Bit of fun - The Party Upstairs

Too much time on my hands on a sleepy Sunday morning, I began to wonder what's happening with our departed heroes ' upstairs, ' and the more I thought about it, the more it amused me.

Apparently, Jack Johnson has had an Aston Martin, a Lamborghini, two Ferraris and a Morris Traveller, ( for the transportation of his double bass to gigs, ) shipped upstairs, and he is busy terrorizing the neighbourhood by driving far too fast. He is particularly fond of stopping outside Corbett's house in the middle of the night, revving his engine, sounding his horn and playing Duke Ellington as loudly as possible. Corbett, for his part, is lobbying the saints for segregated housing in Heaven. Max Baer has opened a comedy club in the Jewish quarter, and frequent guests include Carlos Monzon and Niccolino Locche who sit in a shady corner, chain smoking and playing cards. Sonny Liston is after St Peter's job, claiming that Pete is too old to be a bouncer, while St Peter himself is dealing with John L Sullivan who, a little worse for wear, is insisting that Pete and he have a bare knuckle punch up on the cobbles to settle a dispute over John L's membership details. Willie Pep, a resident for a couple of years now, is so elusive that he hasn't yet been seen by anybody, and Jake LaMotta's idea of a good time is to invite evrybody to punch him in the face several times a day. Gene Tunney, having requested a transfer to the literary section, is rubbing shoulders with his old mate Hemingway and sipping tea in Shakespeare's kitchen while he reads them his latest and much - anticipated work, ' A Comedy of Terrors ' which is based on the Haye v Wlad negotiations.


The aforementioned Mr Shakespeare, having been commissioned by a couple of mortals named Tysonking and Damon Knight, has just finished a tribute to Mike Tyson, which is reproduced here :


Don't speak to me of Ali
Or slow, flat - footed Louis
Of boring Larry Holmes
Or glass - jawed Lennox Lewis
Of Foreman, or of Frazier
Facts are much too clinical
Just let me tell you all about
Mike Tyson at his pinnacle.

With Atlas in his corner
He'd have whipped them all, I swear
Jeffries, Johnson, Dempsey,
Tunney, Sharkey, Baer
I've even learned to thpeak like him
And tho hath my friend, Dennith
Tho much to we both revere
Mike Tyson at his zenith.

The handspeed and the footspeed
The movement of his head
The lethal combinations
That filled a man with dread
The hooks and jabs and uppercuts
That rendered strong men weak
Belonged to just one heavyweight
Mike Tyson at his peak.

On Friday nights my friends and I
Sit round our TVs
To pay homage to the Iron One
And watch his DVDs
Do we watch his losses ?
Surely, friend, you jest !
The Iron Mike of whom you speak
Was not Tyson at his best.

We get in from our Snooker Clubs
With six packs and with curries
And watch him batter Tony Tubbs
Without a moment's worry
Of course, we skip the Douglas fight
For I've said a hundred times
The Tyson who fought Buster.
Was not Tyson in his prime.

If Cus D' Amato hadn't died
If he hadn't gone to jail
If there hadn't been Desiree
If he hadn't gone off the rails
The Pope would beautify him
There's be statues in the Sistine
And underneath, the plaques would read
Mike Tyson. Perfect. Pristine.


Cus D'Amato, incidentally, has managed to convince Floyd Patterson that Heaven is a very dangerous place in which Floyd is likely to come a cropper. Patterson now wears a false beard and moustache, dark glasses and answers to the name ' Ian. ' Efforts by Harry Greb to help Floyd have been unproductive since Floyd's paranoia has been fuelled by rumours that Greb doesn't actually exist. There was an idea to set up Heaven's equivalent of the Olympic Games, but these plans have been scrapped because it has been decided that any boxing members who were active before 1939 were actually not athletes, whereas those active after 1945 were deemed faster, stronger, bigger, cleaner, to have smelled better and to have had better dress sense. Apparently, this has all been accomplished by television. Even in Heaven, a great deal can happen in six years, by all accounts.

All our dearly departed legends are up there, so what do you fellas reckon the rest of them are up to ?

Over to you.

When did LaMotta die? Personally I think Johnny Owen has done nothing but eat through boredom since he's been there, and now weighs in at the Toney end of the scales...

The raging bull is still going strong, 90 this year, amazing really when of all boxers he would be the one i'd have assumed would have suffered badly because of his style

Yeah, I had to Google him to check he wasn't brown bread. I never realised how few KOs he scored, relatively speaking. Only 30 out of over 80 wins seems like nothing, given the nickname.

imperialghosty wrote:The raging bull is still going strong, 90 this year, amazing really when of all boxers he would be the one i'd have assumed would have suffered badly because of his style

Oops !

Sorry, fellas. For some reason I thought Jake had taken the last count. Probably not the first time he's been prematurely written off, mind.

If he has it seems no-one has told him...

BALTIMORA wrote:If he has it seems no-one has told him...

Ha !

That's him and Keith Richards then. Good to see you've joined and are posting regularly, by the way.

Cheers Windy. Was a bit apprehensive, but seems like a very good continuation of 606. As for the party upstairs, I suspect Valero has been told his name's not down, so he's not coming in, and Gatti is twiddling his thumbs until Mickey arrives.

Corrales has yet to take a seat, as he's just looking for somewhere to park his bike.

I'm sorry.

I dont know about you guys, but I'd rather go to the party downstairs. Seems more fun to me.

Nothing like bumping someone off early windy! I had a right barney with someone the other day about whether Ken Dodd was dead or not, after god knows how long we agreed I was right and he'd fallen off the perch. A quick check on wikipedia has since proven me wrong - not that I'm going to admit it of course!

If Edwin Valero's there he's probably looking for a good lawyer - except they're all in the hot house downstairs! If he needs a character reference I'm sure Alexis Arguello will give him one, he always seemed to find a good word for everyone.

No Balti that's where your wrong, Gatti is busy boxing Canzoneri, Berg, Ross and Locche's ears off

I'm sure Fitsimmons is running a help group for suicidal lions and Archie Moore is yet to be convinced he can't win more titles among the living.

I wouldn't expect anything less from a guy from the age of colour TV...

I just had a horrible image though of Gatti, Forrest, Greb, Sanchez and the like all stood together looking awkward, shrugging their shoulders in a puzzled fashion and commenting on how they 'hadn't planned on being here'.

If Monzon's there then Valero probably is as well.

Jack and Rocky have a thriving restaurant business .Probably a nice Italian.Jack sitting at a table at the front chewing the fat with the guests.Huge cigar and a glass of the finest red always at hand.
Rocky buzzing around the tables welcoming everyone

I would love to see Spring accost them all and ask them why they are "ducking " Hamed, 36

Berbick would probably still be recovering from THAT knockout...

Not sure what the atmosphere would have been like when Valero entered the room.

Depends if he's still wearing his bedsheet necktie...

Tony Galento: "How's the wife, Eddy?"

I Imagine a few of the old timers might enjoy a fight card with Gatti vs Corrales. Also on the undercard I'd like to see Marciano vs Valero. I'd give Valero 30 seconds before he asks for hell instead.

John Bloody Wayne wrote:Tony Galento: "How's the wife, Eddy?"

Sal Sanchez.."Good at beating women Val.."Lets get it on"