It's a funny old game

Suffering from a touch of insomnia tonight, so I thought I'd while away the early morning hours by starting a thread dedicated to the numerous funny stories and quips that have eminated from the wonderful game of cricket. Few other sports have such a plethora of humerous tales or witty one liners, and we're not only talking about sledges, although they too certainly add to the amusement which cricket provides.
So I'll start the ball rolling by noting a few of my favourite stories and quotations. I apologise if these have been told before, and would welcome any additions.

My first tale involves the Hon. F.S. Jackson, doughty all-rounder and captain of England during the late 19th and early 20th centuries. As his title suggests, Jackson was not a child of the working class, and after his cricket career ended he embarked upon a career in the army and in politics. Eventually he ended up as Governor of Bengal and, while serving in that capacity in 1932, was the victim of an attempted assasination attempt when he was shot at from close range but escaped unhurt. When asked after the event whether being shot at was unnerving, he replied "Not as bad as facing Ernie Jones in '99. Deuced fast!"

My second story centres around Archie McClaren, another English captain who, in 1902, caused a major sensation by picking the then unknown S.F. Barnes as part of his touring party to Australia. The relationship between the two deteriorated however, and during a patch of rough weather on the sea voyage down under for a later tour, McClaren is recorded as saying "One compensation. At least if we sink that b*gger Barnes will sink with us."

Another quote that always made me smile was made by 'Bert' Ironmonger during the tension of the 'Bodyline' series in 1932/3. Ironmonger, whose batting was so poor that he was reffered to as a 'ferret' ('cause he went in after the rabbits), was just going out to bat against Larwood and co. when he was informed that his wife was on the phone for him. "Tell her to hang on" was his classic reply.

Another funny story about an Australian spinner revolves around Cec Pepper, who spent a large part of his career as a professional in the Lancashire Leagues. Pepper, a large man known for his raucous appealing, was bowling one day when he struck the batsmans pad, turned toward the diminutive umpire and let out one of his patent appeals, to which the umpire quietly said 'not out'. Mumbling to himself Pepper carried on bowling, only to strike the batsman's pad again a few balls later. Pepper let out an even louder appeal which the umpire again quietly declined. This time Pepper let rip with a tirade of expletives and reference to white sticks and guide dogs. At the end of the over though, he thought he might have gone too far and apologised to the umpire for going over the top. To his surprise the umpire said that he wasn't upset and that he liked a man who spoke his mind, a statement with which Pepper wholeheartedly agreed. Encouraged, Pepper again struck the pad in his next over, and let out an appeal that could be heard in Yorkshire, to which the umpire replied "Not out, you fat Australian b*stard"

Finally, a couple about another ex-England captain, Mike Gatting. Of course most people know of Graham Gooch's famous comment after Gatting had been beaten by Warne's 'ball of the century' that "He wouldn't have let him get past him if it'd been a cheese roll", but Gatting's rotund physique was a butt of joes well before that. On the 1986/7 Ashes tour, an Australian batsman complained that Bill Athey was fielding too close at silly point and that his shadow was getting on the pitch. Graham Dilley shouted that "It's a good job Gatts isn't fielding there or we'd be off for bad light". On the same tour David Gower also made a quip at Gatting's expense when he was asked by a mischevious Ozzie journo whether Gatting knew any words of more than two syllables. Gowers reply? "Of course. Hamburger"

So those are just a few of my favourites. How about yours?

Great post, love the Cec Pepper story.

Just a few quotes and sledges:

Are you Bangladesh in diguise. Barmy Army - Ashes 2005.

Mark Waugh : F**k me, look who it is. Mate, what are you doing out here, there's no way you're good enough to play for England.
James Ormond : Maybe not, but at least I'm the best player in my family.

Don't bother shutting it, son, you won't be there long enough.
Fred Truman to incoming Aussie batsman as he opened the gate on his way out to the middle at Lord's

If you're playing against the Australians you dont walk.
Ian Botham

A cricket tour in Australia would be the most delightful period in one's life, if one was deaf.
Harold Larwood

The Aussies try to present a tough guy image, but this present generation are a bunch of cissies.
Tony Grieg

Shane Warne is thicker than a complete set of Wisden yearbooks.
Matt Price

Trueman bowls. Batsman is trapped plumb LBW. Trueman appeals. Not out.
Next ball. Trueman ever-so-slightly irritated. Trueman bowls. Audible snick, ball deflects and sails upward, caught behind. Trueman appeals. Not out.
Third ball. Trueman a little more irritated now. Trueman bowls. Through the gate, stumps spread-eagled, middle stump uprooted and cartwheeling. Trueman turns to the umpire and says with a wry smile, 'We nearly had him that time, didn't we?'


The Great Sir Vivian Richards

It was a county match in England between Somerset and Glamorgan. An unknown batsman with unknown talent, named Vivian Richards was at the crease. Greg Thomas, the Glamorgan fast bowler thundered in and beat the great man's bat.

'It's red and it's round. Can't you see it?', the bowler taunted Richards.

The next ball was an action replay. The ball pitched three quarters of length on middle and off, seamed away, and once again Richards was all at sea and comprehensively beaten.

'It's red and it's round and it weighs four-and-a-half ounces. Can't you see it?', Greg Thomas quipped.

Richards took a stroll, summoned his powers of concentration, swung his arms around, took a fresh guard and got ready for the next ball.

Greg Thomas came running in. The delivery was right in the slot, and Viv launched into one of his trademark shots and smashed the ball out of the ground and straight into the river that flowed around it.

The maestro told the hapless bowler who almost died watching the ball go, 'You know what it looks like... now go and get it!'

The story of Gower and Morris taking a tiger moth plane on a joy ride in Australia on the 90/91 tour amuses me, especially as the England captain was Mr Discipline, Graham Gooch.

http://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=gower%20and%20morris&source=web&cd=1&sqi=2&ved=0CBwQFjAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.guardian.co.uk%2Fsport%2F1991%2Fjan%2F20%2Fashes2005.ashes&ei=tzHfTrTIOIGL8gOy2vXJBA&usg=AFQjCNHvVcujOP37ZZk2DUFCEbys08VxTg

Brilliant article, and some excellent contributions.

Heard of one or two of them, but the majority are new to me and have lightened my mood this morning!

An obvious one, but the (McGrath I think it was, and I forget who to) "Why are you so fat?" comment must be mentioned, to which the response was "Because every time I **** your wife, she gives me a biscuit". Timeless.

That was to Eddo Brandes.

The best comeback since Sinatra.

Flintoff killing himself laughing when Tino Best is swinging and missing and then getting out after telling him to 'mind the windows' is another classic.

A couple relating to the inimitable Keith Miller. Once, when captaining NSW the bowler was taking a bit of stick and asked Miller to adjust the field. Miller looked round and shouted "Spread out"
Again, when skippering NSW, the team was going out for a match when Miller's vice captain informed him that, for some reason, they had 12 men on the field, Miller simply replied "Well tell one of them to b*gger off then".

There is a book devoted to funny stories in the nothern Leagues. Cec Pepper features quite prominently. If I can find it, I will write up some of the best.

That'd be great LT, cheers.

Regarding Gatting's busted nose after being hit by Marshall on the '86 tour to the West Indies and the interviewer asking where the ball hit him.

Another classic Miller story is related by Michael Parkinson.
Apparently, shortly after his career had finished, Miller was doing some work in England for some paper or other and ended up playing a charity match in the same press team as Parkinson. So that he didn't miss the racing results, Miller had hired a tic tac man to stand on the boundary and relay the results out to Miller in the middle.
So Miller was standing next to Parkinson in the slips, the batsman edged the ball, and Miller dove full length in front of Parky, taking an amazing catch inches off the ground. He got up, brushed himself off, casually tossed the ball back to the bowler, turned to the boundary and shouted "What did you say won the 2.30 at Wincanton?"

Coolness personified.

excellent

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XfcopZnr5DY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g7GRDKq8JBA&feature=results_main&playnext=1&list=PL5509EDEDB9018BFA

hahahah

I always think of this when threads of this nature are brought up

More Tales of the Bank Clerk who went to War

I've recently mentioned my admiration for David Steele who at the age of thirty-three was plucked from the obscurity of county cricket with Northants to bat at number three for England against the full force of Lillee and Thomson in the 1975 Ashes series.

If not a book, you could write a good chapter about his test debut. Some snippets:

* Leaving the Lord's changing room to bat, Steele walked down a flight of stairs too many and ended up in an underground toilet!

* Having found his way to the wicket, the grey haired and bespectacled Steele received this greeting from fast bowler Thomson: ''It's Father F**king Christmas!''.

* Showing characteristic determination although with language not expected of a timid bank clerk, Steele said to Aussie wicketkeeper Rod Marsh: ''Get used to this arse. You're going to be looking at it a lot this summer!''.

* Steele could have dined out on these stories but didn't really need to. He persuaded a Northampton butcher to sponsor him a lamb chop for every run he scored in his benefit season - he ended up with 1,756 of both!

Hoggy - brilliant article. Great if we can keep it running.

guildfordbat wrote:
* Showing characteristic determination although with language not expected of a timid bank clerk, Steele said to Aussie wicketkeeper Rod Marsh: ''Get used to this arse. You're going to be looking at it a lot this summer!''.

Darryl Cullinan

Q: Darryl, who are your favourite actors?
Cullinan: Dustin Hoffman and some Aussie bowlers in the act of appealing.

During the 1985 India v England Test in Calcutta - David Gower: Do you want Gatting a foot wider? Chris Cowdrey: No. He'd burst.

On being asked what he looked forward to most upon returning from a long tour of India - A dry fart!
Phil Edmonds

Shane Warne got Darryl Cullinan out so many times that Cullinan ended up seeing a psychologist to try and deal with the effect that Warnie was having on him.

Warne to Darryl Cullinan as he took his mark at the crease and looked around towards the slips cordon:

"Lets see if we can't get you back on that couch mate"

"So what colour is your psychologist's couch?"

He didn't last long...

What do you call a world-class Australian cricketer?
Retired.

What do you call a world class English cricketer?
South African

Linebreaker wrote:What do you call a world class English cricketer?
South African

Touche

Let's draw the line there mate... it's been a long day; and a wee bit longer for you I gather!

Dennis Lillee once commented that the arrogant natured Yorkshireman Geoff Boycott was, 'The only fellow I've met who fell in love with himself at an early age and has remained faithful ever since.'

skyeman wrote:Dennis Lillee once commented that the arrogant natured Yorkshireman Geoff Boycott was, 'The only fellow I've met who fell in love with himself at an early age and has remained faithful ever since.'

Agnew - if you are wondering what that spontaneous burst of applause is for - its to mark Ted Dexters resignation


Botham - I don't ask my wife to bat against michael holding - I dont think I should be forced to change nappies

I think it was Trueman or one of Englands old fast bowlers who said - what a six - the ball was still in the air when it went over the boundary line

This one's been around a while....

The one most amusing anecdote about Jack Crapp involves, as you may have guessed, the nature of his name. Alec Bedser and Jack Crapp turned up to join the other England players at their Leeds hotel prior to a Headingley Test, in 1948.

They had been playing against each other in a county match, and so travelled to Leeds together, but as the rest of the England team had already checked in, the hotel receptionist did not realise who they were. She turned to Jack. "Bed, sir?" she said.

"No, Crapp," he said, thinking she'd confused him with Bedser.

"Ah," she said, not batting an eyelid. ''Through those doors and second on the left."