Office Conversations

Okay, I work in an office. I hear the most mundane nonsense ever....daily. There is one person in particular that spouts nothing but verbal diarrhoea. So I'm setting up this thread for conversations you have either over heard, or had the mistfortune of partaking in.

(I have a blog about my work life...linked in my profile...but I use that for my more vitriolic assessments).

It's lunch time. C has just cooked a baked potato and is sitting at her desk eating it...

Gosh, you know, it's strange the way this potato has cooked. It's hotter in different places, you know? That last piece I had was boiling compared to the piece before it.

Thanks. I will now sleep better this evening knowing that your baked potato didn't cook evenly.

She was also discussing the way you cook them. She has "always wrapped them in kitchen paper before putting them in the microwave" but she was informed by KM and T that you didn't need to do that. Gosh, Unbelieveable, you know. I wouldn't have thought that would have worked.

I'm sensing some serious sexual tension DT

But this thread isn't about us Dex...

This happened yesterday: -

T asked if I'd seen the movie "Due Date". I said no. K then said that she'd seen it...so they started discussing it. After about 3 minutes of them chatting C interupted mid sentence..."That's the one with the dog isn't it?"

Now I haven't seen the movie, so I couldn't comment on that. I quickly received an email from T mentioning that he forgot there was a dog in it...that's how involved the dog is with the story line. It turns out that she did a Google search, found the movie poster (which has a dog in it) and made a connection that it must be "the one with the dog". Good work Columbo.

That's not the first time she's Googled something we've been talking about so that she could try and feel involved. T and I have devised a plan based around this. We're going to mention Lemon Party or Blue Waffle. Let's see if she'd keep at it after that.

I sit next to 'A' at work and we have been having a feud all year on who's item of stationery makes the weirdest noise.
This is something that will go on for months to come yet.
He's convinced his hole-punch wins, but my staple remover is pretty freaky.

I've been trying to rally support from the office for the staple remover but so far, it's been to no avail.
Another exciting day in the office............

We always end up talking about food, we could talk about anything as far away from food as possible and we always end up getting back onto it, we have some people who are mad about cooking in our office, fair play to them though.

One of the girls here is engaged to a chef. One is fat. So that's a common theme here too.

Generally though the conversation is disjointed and doesn't really flow naturally. It will jump from one nonsensical conversation to another.

I've just been asked if I want to invest in a community windfarm scheme, despite the fact that I live 30 miles from said community.

In my office we spend most of the day talking about random stuff, or making sexual innuendos about everything that is being said. Childish, but fun

Ahh so C is called Columbo DT?

My office conversations are terrible, thank god I sit next to someone the same age as me because the rest of the team is 30+

That is what it will mean from now on Dex.

C is actually for the unedited/unfiltered version of Kumquat

I learn sooooo much in the office off of people wheather it be work related or not, its brilliant.

In my office, we don't talk.............


We wait.

King Beer wrote:In my office, we don't talk.............


We wait.

??????????

Holymiky wrote:

King Beer wrote:In my office, we don't talk.............


We wait.

??????????

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There are 16 of us in our section, and 6 of us are in the coffee round.
There was a new starter about 2 months ago who sits on the other side of me.
Since he started we have included him in the coffee round, but he hasn’t made us one yet.

So for the past couple of weeks ive been dropping hints about him making the coffee's and getting his round in.

Success!
He's declared its his round and just made the coffee's!!

But only mine and his.

If you could see the look on the girls faces, they aint impressed.

Y I Man wrote:If you could see the look on the girls faces, they aint impressed.

This sums up my sex life.

There is 4 of us.

My boss and 2 schedulers. It's pretty good banter.

When i joined, everyone made their own tea, however, i soon changed that and now only make 1 cup a day instead of 4! Bonus.

That was something that annoyed me the other day too YI.

I hadn't been drinknig coffee....therefore I was not involved in the "tea rounds". Yet they still expected me to make them one.

Good 'Een! Not happening.

Fools the lot of you.

The hot girl from accounting makes most of my cuppas, only drawback being that I occasionally have to drink green tea.

David Tails wrote:That was something that annoyed me the other day too YI.

I hadn't been drinknig coffee....therefore I was not involved in the "tea rounds". Yet they still expected me to make them one.

Good 'Een! Not happening.

I'd spit in 'C's tea.

King Beer wrote:

David Tails wrote:That was something that annoyed me the other day too YI.

I hadn't been drinknig coffee....therefore I was not involved in the "tea rounds". Yet they still expected me to make them one.

Good 'Een! Not happening.

I'd spit in 'C's tea.

Just spit KB? You're getting soft in your old age!

theundisputedY2D2 wrote:

King Beer wrote:

David Tails wrote:That was something that annoyed me the other day too YI.

I hadn't been drinknig coffee....therefore I was not involved in the "tea rounds". Yet they still expected me to make them one.

Good 'Een! Not happening.

I'd spit in 'C's tea.

Just spit KB? You're getting soft in your old age! :laughing:

Did i not mention i'd rimmed the cup?

King Beer wrote:

theundisputedY2D2 wrote:

King Beer wrote:

David Tails wrote:That was something that annoyed me the other day too YI.

I hadn't been drinknig coffee....therefore I was not involved in the "tea rounds". Yet they still expected me to make them one.

Good 'Een! Not happening.

I'd spit in 'C's tea.

Just spit KB? You're getting soft in your old age!

Did i not mention i'd rimmed the cup?

Oh dear!

I can see this thread becoming my new haven for ranting.

I think I'd rather staple her head to the white board. That could be amusing.

Set her on fire and hand her a rubber stable remover.

Smash her face into the photocopier and take copies of it.

booby trap her chair DT for pure comedy one morning? Better still, do it once a week!

Just walk up to her and throw a cup of paint in her face.

Smash her back door in!

Lull her into a false sense of security then tar and feather her?

I was thinking of building a fort around my desk with box file folders and then sound proofing it with empty egg cartons. Maybe have a removable section for the coffee rounds...

I could do with building a fort. We've got a fair few offices in our building that weren't being used, so if I ever got bored or fed up I'd go into one of them and just chill out for 10/15 minutes but we're so busy just now that they're all occupied.

Got really lucky today because I thought one of them was free and just as I was about to open the door some dude came out!

"Uh.....is Peter in there?"

"No"

"Alright! Thanks!"

I've actually asked my boss if he'll let me move to the empty offices downstairs.

He's reluctant to break the team up. He doesn't seem to realise that the team is breaking by having us sitting all together (as is my fragile grasp of sanity).

Tell him you're a peacock and you need to fly!

So she's annoying me already.

She's just said, out of nowhere, "Oh I don't want to tell you all what I ate last night"

Silence. No one in the office asked her or even acknowledged her. I was actually sitting thing "Then don't..."

She carried on though. "J? Fish & Chips"

So she actually prompted someone to get their attention to tell them what she didn't want to tell us. Moron.

This will be a long day...

Kill her.

What's her email address? Let me have my way with her!

She'd ruin you.

She reminds me of Zsa Zsa. Older, blonde and clueless.

***Adopts David Attenborough whisper***

And here. We see. David Tails. Wanting to keep 'C' all to himself. By trying to put off. King Beer. What David Tails. Doesn't know. Is that King Beer. Cannot be put off. Any woman. Ever.

*Smacks Y2*

He's welcome to her!

We've just had another....

“Ooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh the Joy’s of life...”

Are not to be found in this room...

“Eh J? I’m SO looking forward to my holiday”

Followed by an obligatory mention of the weather.

Only kidding DT, love ya really!

Think you should stand up, tip over your desk with a roar and then cut a WORYAH! style promo on her:

"YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BREATHE THE SAME AIR AS I & HUL KOGAN DO! MERE MORTALS CAN NEVER UNDERSTAND THE WAYS OF WORYAH WILDNESS OR HUL KOMANIA! WHEN ALL THE PLANETARY FORMS COLLIDE ON THE HIGHEST PLAINS OF THE SPECTRUM ONLY WORYAHS WILL STAND TALL! YOOOOOOU WILL BE LEFT BEHIND, COWERING IN THE FAECAL MATTER OF YOUR INEPTITUDE! SKELETONS WILL RISE AND BURN YOUR FACE OFF WITH BLOWTORCHES! AND IN THE DUST OF THE STAMPEDE YOU WILL KNOW THAT I AM WOOOOOOORYAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Then you run out of the office humming WORYAH'S theme music to yourself.

theundisputedY2D2 wrote:Only kidding DT, love ya really!

Think you should stand up, tip over your desk with a roar and then cut a WORYAH! style promo on her:

"YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BREATHE THE SAME AIR AS I & HUL KOGAN DO! MERE MORTALS CAN NEVER UNDERSTAND THE WAYS OF WORYAH WILDNESS OR HUL KOMANIA! WHEN ALL THE PLANETARY FORMS COLLIDE ON THE HIGHEST PLAINS OF THE SPECTRUM ONLY WORYAHS WILL STAND TALL! YOOOOOOU WILL BE LEFT BEHIND, COWERING IN THE FAECAL MATTER OF YOUR INEPTITUDE! SKELETONS WILL RISE AND BURN YOUR FACE OFF WITH BLOWTORCHES! AND IN THE DUST OF THE STAMPEDE YOU WILL KNOW THAT I AM WOOOOOOORYAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Then you run out of the office humming WORYAH'S theme music to yourself.

Y2. That ^^^ is why I love you!

It needs to be done DT!

Please.

For me.

And let's face it, the world.

I'll see if I can get someone to film it for me...

Screw that.

Go up to her and tell her you wanna show her something, then blade and bleed all over her and her desk. Then grab her jacket and launch it to the floor and elbow drop the shizzle out of it. Get up and Woo uncontrollably before delivering knife-edge chops to the water cooler. Do the Flair strut and then sit back at your desk quietly.

King Beer wrote:Screw that.

Go up to her and tell her you wanna show her something, then blade and bleed all over her and her desk. Then grab her jacket and launch it to the floor and elbow drop the shizzle out of it. Get up and Woo uncontrollably before delivering knife-edge chops to the water cooler. Do the Flair strut and then sit back at your desk quietly.

Another amazing option.

Another classic. I wish I was dumb enough to get away with comments like this: -

"I like that one song that goes....do do dooo do do do...Ah they must have been such innocent times, eh J?

Or not. Whichever the case may be"

Reminds me of Dennis Waterman in Little Britain!

"I'll write the theme toon, sing the theme toon....doo doo doo doo"

Just end her DT.

FALCON PUNCH!

I really created this thread to find out if I'm over reacting or if she is actually as annoying as I think.

Remember I'm not putting every statement she puts up either. I'm just picking some of the classics...

So is it just me? or am I justified in wanting to strangle her with a phone cable?

Over-reacting?

I'm up in 2 weeks and i'm already planning to visit her with my hockey mask, wheelchair, sports coat and selection of the finest metal razor blades i can find.