Office Conversations

First topic message reminder :

Okay, I work in an office. I hear the most mundane nonsense ever....daily. There is one person in particular that spouts nothing but verbal diarrhoea. So I'm setting up this thread for conversations you have either over heard, or had the mistfortune of partaking in.

(I have a blog about my work life...linked in my profile...but I use that for my more vitriolic assessments).

It's lunch time. C has just cooked a baked potato and is sitting at her desk eating it...

Gosh, you know, it's strange the way this potato has cooked. It's hotter in different places, you know? That last piece I had was boiling compared to the piece before it.

Thanks. I will now sleep better this evening knowing that your baked potato didn't cook evenly.

She was also discussing the way you cook them. She has "always wrapped them in kitchen paper before putting them in the microwave" but she was informed by KM and T that you didn't need to do that. Gosh, Unbelieveable, you know. I wouldn't have thought that would have worked.

Yeah it's definitely not just you DT.

I feel like travelling back in with her time and standing her right in front of the wall the Shockmaster crashed through.

Does having one of you're work colleagues flash her Batgirl knickers at you count?

Jammy31 wrote:Does having one of you're work colleagues flash her Batgirl knickers at you count?

I think I have to excuse myself for a few moments...

Davie wrote:I think I have to excuse myself for a few moments...

Dont get me wrong...I was stood with a face like this But really, I was like this

wheelchair? the rest i can understand

The worst offender in the office is on holiday!

So it is unlikely that I will have anything to put on this thread until Tuesday next week.

Okay, so I was off Thursday - Monday.

C was also off all of last week and Monday.

I think she has been storing up her nonsense comments and chat for the entire work. She is in absolute over drive right now.

I'm definitely losing the will to live.

I got a work order through yesterday for 65 vacancies. It's a huge international client and we really need to do some work with this one. I worked almost 3 hours over time last night and will be doing the same for the next few weeks. Yet I STILL come in to her throwing vacancies in my direction because she can't be bothered doing it. The boss has made everyone aware that this is my focus and told them to assist me if they can. I don't think palming other vacancies on to me counts as helping.

I'm on my own in the office today, so I'm talking to myself...

I am usually the anti social guy in the office that cannot be bothered to humour the banal office chat with a response. It seems not reading tabloid newspapers or watching ITV thankfully renders you useless when it comes to communication with work colleagues.

McLaren wrote:I am usually the anti social guy in the office that cannot be bothered to humour the banal office chat with a response. It seems not reading tabloid newspapers or watching ITV thankfully renders you useless when it comes to communication with work colleagues.

I try that. They still include me.

I wish they would take the hint.

David Tails wrote:

McLaren wrote:I am usually the anti social guy in the office that cannot be bothered to humour the banal office chat with a response. It seems not reading tabloid newspapers or watching ITV thankfully renders you useless when it comes to communication with work colleagues.

I try that. They still include me.

I wish they would take the hint.

You know.... you could just tell them?

I also refuse to wear deodorant.

McLaren wrote:I also refuse to wear deodorant.

Brilliant!

King Beer wrote:

David Tails wrote:

McLaren wrote:I am usually the anti social guy in the office that cannot be bothered to humour the banal office chat with a response. It seems not reading tabloid newspapers or watching ITV thankfully renders you useless when it comes to communication with work colleagues.

I try that. They still include me.

I wish they would take the hint.

You know.... you could just tell them?

I have tried telling them. I think if I tried again it would go something like this: -

C. I hate you. I really do. Down to my very core, I despise you. You are ruining my day with your nonsensical drivel. You never stick to one line of argument because you are too stupid to follow through with your convictions. I really, honestly, hate you.

Gosh, I mean, you know, I know that, you know, I sometimes, uhm, you know, it’s just, you know, I know that you, uhm it’s what have you. Gosh I really, you know, just think that, I know, uhm, that, you know, you know?

At which point she would go crying to the bosses wife and that would land me in hot water.

David Tails wrote:

King Beer wrote:

David Tails wrote:

McLaren wrote:I am usually the anti social guy in the office that cannot be bothered to humour the banal office chat with a response. It seems not reading tabloid newspapers or watching ITV thankfully renders you useless when it comes to communication with work colleagues.

I try that. They still include me.

I wish they would take the hint.

You know.... you could just tell them?

I have tried telling them. I think if I tried again it would go something like this: -

C. I hate you. I really do. Down to my very core, I despise you. You are ruining my day with your nonsensical drivel. You never stick to one line of argument because you are too stupid to follow through with your convictions. I really, honestly, hate you.

Gosh, I mean, you know, I know that, you know, I sometimes, uhm, you know, it’s just, you know, I know that you, uhm it’s what have you. Gosh I really, you know, just think that, I know, uhm, that, you know, you know?

At which point she would go crying to the bosses wife and that would land me in hot water.

I love her. She is brilliant.

King Beer wrote:I love her. She is brilliant.

I agree with Beer, you just need to bed her and get it out of your system DT, stop living in denial!

Dexter Morgan wrote:

King Beer wrote:I love her. She is brilliant.

I agree with Beer, you just need to bed her and get it out of your system DT, stop living in denial!

Absolutely.

Worst case, film it POV style and bribe her with the tape. Either she leaves or you expose her.

I'd rather wax my crack using electrical tape and dig my eyes out with spoons.

Ah come on now DT, giving her a good pumping might help you see her in a different light.

The dark, that is.

Can't wait for today's installment, you know

If you've ever read my blog (Linked in my profile) or have looked at my profile here...you will know that I am a Recruitment Consultant. I got a work order through from one client for 65 vacancies. That is a lot. Add that to the 100+ I have elsewhere and I'm somewhat swamped. My MD has said I should focus on this order of 65 vacancies....he has made the rest of the team aware of that.

K, our administrator, just asked who a specific vacancy should go under. I knew before she'd even finished her first sentence what was going to happen.

C Piped up with "Oh anything like that goes under Dave on the system".

I've had enough. I replied with: -
It's not going under me if you want someone to actually work on it. I've been given a work order for 65 positions that you ALL know about. I've been told to focus on that and nothing else. So it can go under me on the system, but I will NOT be dealing with it.

So C reluctantly agreed to get the vacancy added under her. Turns out it is her vacancy anyway.

My MD has also annoyed me. He's asked me to focus on this order...but keeps sending me through other things to do. If I don't fill the target number of positions that he has set, I will be hung out to dry...yet I won't make it because of all the side things he's giving me.

So if you will excuse me, I'm going to rip of C's head and take a dump on the MD's desk...

Never mind that DT, you need to focus on this order.

Once you've gone out and bought everybody chocolate eclairs.

I've been told I can do "as much overtime as" I "want for the next couple of weeks".

Gee thanks. I'll be staying a couple of hours late but charging him for more. I have to make this worth my while somehow.

The only way to make it worth your while is if he buys you Jeff Hardy and a lifetime's supply of crystal meth.

Crazy shenanigans guaran-damn-teed.

I'd accept it if he hired Daffney as my personal assistant.

Hell, he could probably buy you TNA.

Then you rehire Daffney, she's forever in your debt, bish bash bosh job's a good 'un!

And quote of the day (so far) goes to "C" who was discussing wedding dresses with J (J is getting married)

"you know…your wedding day is the only day you can get away with wearing something … you know… ‘bridey’"

Well done captain obvious.

You should go down Gregs at lunchtime and buy some brideys to dump on her head.

"there you go - your now wearing something bridey"

David Tails wrote:And quote of the day (so far) goes to "C" who was discussing wedding dresses with J (J is getting married)

"you know…your wedding day is the only day you can get away with wearing something … you know… ‘bridey’"

Well done captain obvious.

She sounds like a complete and utter kumquat!

She sounds hot

DT your blog is pretty damn funny. I'm quite interested to see what will happen when you finally snap, I think it may be worth putting in favourites just to see the headline of: Well before the cops come a quick update.

I'm glad you enjoy it Derby...it's a very cathartic experience. It's about the only thing keeping me from a headline like that!!

David Tails wrote:And quote of the day (so far) goes to "C" who was discussing wedding dresses with J (J is getting married)

"you know…your wedding day is the only day you can get away with wearing something … you know… ‘bridey’"

Well done captain obvious.

DT, I've been reading your blog for a few months now.
Is "C" have any similarities to Kelly capoor from the us office?
She sound like it

You do need to update it though DT.

I know. It's been too long.

I'll no doubt have cause for it next week.

Derby - You'll be pleased to know I have updated!

Cheers for telling me DT, I look forward to hearing about the team building exercise.

I might be done for assault. You can do a lot of damage with a bowling ball...

How can I get on your blog to read mate?

Cheesehead its next to the view user profile, and send private message button click on the picture of the earth, thats DTs blog.

Only just found this thread but it's brilliant.
You see I am the boss and can't get involved in any office chat/banter, my team sit there in absolute silence while I'm in, it's mind blowing and depressing but then I think of what the mugs who employ me pay me.
Keep up the installments Dave....

I'll do my best Grizzly. If you click on the Globe icon on my profile you will get a link to my Blog - it's basically an uncensored version of this thread.

On to todays installment...

A story from yesterday. STOP PRESS!! C took the wrong lunch to work!! She picked up her husbands sandwiches. She called him to tell him. He obviously couldn't care less - the call lasted less than 1 minute.

It actually unfolded that it was her sons sandwiches and not her husbands! Can you believe it? How will the 18 year old ever cope without his lunch?!?

We're having a "team bonding" event tonight. Wonderful.

As a result we are all in casual dress so we can go straight from work. "Oh I keep thinking it's Friday because we are casual". She's started at least 4 phone call with that same story. I highly doubt the people you are talking to care. Actually I would wager that they care about our "team bonding" evening as much as I care about the fact you took the wrong lunch to the office yesterday.

Not. One. Bit.

Team Bonding ? Smash her up in the disabled toilets.

Just out of interest, if she's able to have a conversation with her old man lasting less than 60 secs, why does her inane drivel extend when at work ?
You may want to challenge her on this....

To be fair, if I was married to someone that spoke such a vast amount of BS and she called me during the day, I would hang up pretty quickly. I wouldn't want her talking down the phone at me and stealing the only peace I get during the day. I can't say I blame him.

Part of the evening is bowling - I could do a lot of damage with a bowling ball...

That's a fair shout, her old man sounds clued up, I adopt a similar approach with my missus who thinks I've worked in the only part of London with no mobile mast for 7 years....

Since it is now known by a few that I am David Tails I'm digging out my former favourite thread.

I can see this, once again, becoming my haven.

So "C" was leaving early yesterday. She had a funeral to go to. (Don't worry, even I'm not complaining about that) She told us on Monday that she would be leaving at 2. So I thought That's fine, I'll still get my lunch at my normal time and be back in time for her leaving.

So colour me surprised when i'm sitting at 12:20 yesterday and I overheard her saying "Gosh I'm going to a funeral today, you know, so I'll be leaving at 1:45..."

C, did I just hear you say you were leaving at 1:45?

"I'm leaving at 1:40, you know."

Right, well I better go for lunch at 12:40 so I'm back in time. (We have core hours to cover where there has to be at least one person in the office, and thanks to holidays and recent leavers, we are a little light on cover.)

"Gosh, if you wouldn't mind, you know?"

I was then copied in on an email that said "I'm leaving at 1:30"

She's just a kumquat.

Ha, just discovered this thread. One of the best on here I have to say. Keep us posted CW! Brilliant stuff.

Although KB's (where is he these days?) suggestion of lighting her on fire sounds a good'un.

That's a suggestion he pitches almost weekly.

The rope tethering me to sanity is fraying.

I'm fed up of having to put up with nonsense every day at work. I get much more hassle for things despite doing more work than anyone else in here (and considering how much time I spend on here, it shows you how little the rest are doing!)

I've been sent something from the company Director to review (The first in a line of emails he has just sent for my attention.) While I'm trying to do this, I have the radio playing in the background (their choice of music = shocking.) The worst of it is that J and C are having a full blown conversation over the office.

I need to concentrate on this document because the Director is expecting a report back. I need to concentrate, but I can't. They are discussing human trafficing and child labour. How about you 2 shut up and do some work?

C has been at her annoying best this morning too. She is such a drama queen. Making major issues out of little things. She was late. She called in and said she would be late because she had an appointment. So the person she spoke to sent an email to the rest of us to let us know she would be late. When she came in, she was fuming because an email had been sent. My personal opinion is she's annoyed because she will now be expected to make that time up. As I've discussed on this thread previously, she doesn't make time up. So why she's getting pissy about it is beyond me.

She's also received an email from a guy. Apparently the tone of the email is all wrong. He's requested a bit of documentation that we should have on file. But she's taking it that he's demanding it. "You know, gosh, if he had, you know, just asked for it...We all would have been, you know, looking for it, you know?"

Speak for yourself. I've got enough of my own stuff to be dealing with.

Oh and I'm fully aware that the above message is less coherent than usual, but I'm busy and just needed to rant to get it out of my system!