Fast Forward Raw Review

Raw.

My throat is raw.

I have man flu but that hasnt stopped me watching both the PPV and WWEs flagship Monday night show.

In fact, I am such a trooper, I am typing as I fast forward. The only disappointment is that I can't hit the speed up button as I type. Now where was I? Ah yes!

PARACETAMOL! Will someone please get me something to numb the pain of this. And the man flu too.

So lets get going.

We kick off with Eve talking to Baby Belle twins. They are actually wearing Baby Bell coverings as there outfits. I am sure they are only being used in this segment, as they are the only thing on this planet that can make Eve look less wooden in her acting. They make Eve look like the Meryl Streep of the squared circle. They make her look like the Dame Judy Dench of Titan Towers.

Together, they invoke the spirit of the forest gods. The acting is so wooden, I was expecting a beaver to make a damn from their legs.

Anyway, what was Eve saying? Well I did watch it as its still dark and I couldnt find the remote this early. Apparently she has admitted that she is a floozy. She was using Zach and he didnt even get to first base. Poor Zach. Not only could he not pull off the Flair in a chair gimmick, he now gets dumped by the Ed Wood of the Divas. She tells Brie And Cheddar that she is now going to ride Cena to the top.

How she plans to keep this secret with the cameraman there, I dont know. Does she think that Cena doesnt watch raw? Maybe he doesnt, maybe he reads my fast forward reviews.

Hi John!

Anyway, Cena says something and.....I found the remote! Thank God! x12 here we come.

Cena is in the ring and is interrupted by Eve who says she is misunderstood. Cena acts all face and runs her down as a skank. He even uses the word "bitch" - ooh edgy! He even acknowledges the edginess by looking at the camera and gurning. All he needed was a black pudding around his neck and he could have come first in the Wakefield Marstons Gurn competition. John mentions the Rock - remember that feud? Seems like creative have just remembered too. God this is going slow! Even in fast forward.

Anyway, Eve leaves distraught, John gets cheers. Heel turn? Someone promised me a heel turn. And we got one - from Eve.

Hi John! Can you say poopie for me next week please - you know we all love that.

What next?

Henry vs Sheamus. Sheamus wins clean after a fairly good x6 match.
Big Johnny and Otunga backstage. Interrupted by Theo. Holla holla playas. Looks like Theo just graduated from Ethnic Lingo 101 and finished top of the class in Eve Torres Acting 101.

Big J and Otunga are class as always and Theo has to pause after every insult to remember his line. Maybe Hornswoggle was down there feeding him lines. Every insult was met with complete indifference by the crowd due its timing. His timing is so off, its screwing up my fast forward. Anyway, he makes a tag match. Not really. But he does make a match for Otunga against a Smackers superstar.

He also announces that there will be a battle royal for to Face punk at Mania. 5 Raw and 5 Smackers stars.

What next - Y2J moans and says tonight will be the end of the world as we know it. I thought that was a month ago. When is the end of the world actually going to happen? If this segment goes on, I hope its soon.

Otunga vs Big Zeke. Otunga wins out of nowehere with a move akin to the Low Down. Can it get better than this? Ottunga + Bow tie + coofee mug + D'lo Brown move set + push = win

What next?

Tag match - R Truth and Kofi are now a face tag team apparently and beat the tag champs in a non title match. Looks like RTruth and Kofi are back to midcard. Little Jimmy is holding them back. No mic time for Truth - scandalous. And why diod he get no air time?

Because Cena has another segment later (just advertised) and we now have to face another HHH v Undertaker staredown for 30 minutes. Boy does this drag. Apparently all Undie had to do is say that HHH isnt as good as HBK. Wish he would have said it 4 weeks ago and not stretched out this turd of a promo.

HHH finally agrees but only to a Hell in a Cell match at Mania.

I never thought I would get bored of these two but I am. What I really need is a Eve Torres acting promo. Instead I get Bryan vs Santino in a match.

So the biggest/ hottest surprise from the EC PPV against the champ - surely only one outcome! Yep - a squash match for Bryan. Take that Santino for being popular! I can hear creative writing as we speak. "Santino is so over against our wishes. Lets make him the Funkasaurus sidekick! Santinosaurus Rex"

I need a break - why do I watch this guff anymore? Because I love you people and I know you cant live without my reviews.

Back in a little while.

Part 2.

You know what - its getting better! Spoilers - I actually ended up enjoying the show!

Anyway, where was I?

Switching the Sky+ back on it looks like I was in the middle of a Divas tag match between The Baby Belles versus KK and what appears to be Jessie J. Strange but hey ho. Edam picks up the win off Jessie J after switching twin magic with the legal lump of cheese, Gouda.

Yay! Another Cena promo.

He comes out to address the Rock/ Dwayne. And to be fair to him, its a brilliant promo. He even takes the mickey out of his own films (12 rounds could have done with being 3 rounds for example. By Gawd - business just picked up - Cena is electrifying. I even put down the remote. Maybe I will have to start a new subject called the "normal speed Raw Review". This is very good. Come on John, embrace the hate.

Wait a minute.

Wheres the hate?

The Black Eyed Peas told me where the love is but surely WWE creative are not going to lose the hate angle? Surely? Hello John - I know you are reading this. Where is the hate? Embrace the Hate!

Whats that - Eve embraced the Ho in her and thats it? Well my cup sucketh over. No mention of Kane, hate, Jefferson Impact (trending at number 3 in the world people). Looks like we aint getting our heel turn after all.

So the Rock is back next week we learn after that promo.

Up next - the 10 man battle royal. And we have already had Kofi, Truth and Santino work tonight. I hope they get overtime. Or at the very least a day in lieu. Thats a funny word isnt it? "lieu". I wonder if its French? John? Ask next week for me will ya?

Anyway, Punk on commentary and he is gold. 24 carrot. Spandau Ballet sing songs about Mr Punk. He's wasted as a wrestler.

Anyway Battle Royal (Truth/Barrett/ Rhodes/ Santino/ Y2J/ hali/ Show/ Miz/ Kofi/ Ziggler)- Khali is eliminated by the other 9 within minutes. Another great showing from the Dehli Diva. Cant remember who went next (I think it was Miz, double teamed by the hottest new tag team to be thorwn together on Raw, Kofi and Truth) but I do know that Santino is getting a huge pop and eliminates Barrett and Truth. then Show manhandles Ziggler and tosses him over into Truth and Barrett on the floor. At first it looks like Ziggler takes a nasty bump onto the announce table, however, it looks like that its Barrett who has the legit injury. The commentators and medics are describing it as a broken arm. I actually think its for real as he stays there, not moving for the rest of the show as medics tend to him.

So who is left? Santino, Y2J, Cody, Kofi and Show.

Kofi goes after Jericho pushes him off the turnbuckle. Cole announces that "Kofi Rhodes" has been eliminated to which Punk takes the mickey. Good work guys

Santino continues to get pops and is thrown over by Y2J. Santino skins the cat and comes back to hit the cobra on Jericho. Cody gets rid of Santino - the crowd fave is gone. What is funny about this is that Cody throws Santino over the ropes on top of Barretts broken arm! Good shot Cody!

Rhodes is taken out of the match by Show.

Show tries to take Jericho over but he grabs him and drags him too. They are grappling on the edge before Cody comes back and pulls Show off. And thats not a euphemism.

Jericho wins and a stare down with Punk. The end folks.

Poopie first half, great second half. No hate. Too much Diva crapness. Overall - better than last week.

This has been the FFRR - join me and John Cena next week.

Full results up

great read once again
The Game- uhhhhhh vs Taker in Hell in a Cell then?

Live Smackdown aswell tonight for anyone who cares
headlined by Bryan vs Punk

It really was a game of two halves.

Firt half awful, second half very good.

The HHH/ Undie segment was the same regurgitated smeg from the last 3 weeks.

Two awful parts of raw last night:

1) the crowd doing the what chant to the undertaker. No one yet no one does that to him! Stone cold killed wrestling!

2) wade has suffered a legitimate dislocated elbow from where show chucked Ziggler onto him. No news yet on time he will miss.

So it's all been revealed then that the whole Cena/Kane/Ryder deal then was for an Eve Torres heel turn - I really did LOL at that

I just don't know if Haitch and the Unbearabletaker could make me any less interested

Cena delivers his best ever promo that doesn't rely on rap

Someone jobs to Otunga, that's gotta hurt, Zek should just look for labourinhg jobs ASAP

Predictable battle Royal, I don't really get this, they have Royal Rumbles for the winner to go to WrestleMania, now they have short ones on RAW for the exact same prize

Does Cena/Kane/Orton/Mark Henry/Christian/Del Rio not want a shot at the title? At least those participants would have made it less predictable, do it next week and Rock could have cost Cena instead of Cody costing Show

Wade wasn't too PG when he broke his arm, nasty bump, Show launched Ziggler as if he was trying to pap him out the building, looks like Dolph's knee crushed his arm when they landed

I guess there is more to come from Eve, right? Like she'll pursue Cena and somehow this will all lead to a turn from him...right?

Because otherwise it makes the whole thing seem pointless, and I can't believe the WWE would ever feature something that was so pointless so prominently on their number one show. Right?

I really don't see how Cena can turn heel now, I'm not that fussed now either, I just don't want him to be cheesy, he was as good as he'll ever be last night, the attitudehe displayed is all that most people want to see, although it was a shameless steal from CM Punk when he started talking about being a Professional Wrestler

I actually really enjoyed the Taker promo, it just isn't the same when he's playing a video. Was expecting him to show off his cut hair but it didn't happen. Looking forward to the HIAC match, that way it doesn't have to be a carbon copy of last years match.

Hi John!

Hope you are well!

[I just tweeted the link to him which I am sure he is reading right now)

apparently the plan is for Undertaker to reveal his blad head for the first time at Wrestlemania 28, according to nodq

Is he actually still bald?

yeah I think so KB, on Raw it was obvious that he had cut all or nearly all of his hair off? Im not sure tbh

I know he shaved it off, but it could be shorter.

I still think the swerve here is that he's returning as the American Bad Ass.

true KB true. IMO the music they are using for the match is by Metallica, which could signify a return of the Bad Ass!

It does sort of hint at that. But then again, he returned last time with Johnny Cash?!

You could also say that 'The Memory Remains' implies that whilst the streak will be gone, it will never be forgotten.

yeah I suppose that is true, they could just be swerving us, if I remember correctly, Survivor Series 08, they swerved everyone with Jeff Hardy and the attack in hotel thing. I know that isn't as huge as the streak, which of course it isn't but maybe?

Miz Came To Play wrote:yeah I suppose that is true, they could just be swerving us, if I remember correctly, Survivor Series 08, they swerved everyone with Jeff Hardy and the attack in hotel thing. I know that isn't as huge as the streak, which of course it isn't but maybe?

No that was different.

The reason that changed was because the IWC got wind that Christian was going to be revealed as the attacker and Vince got peed off and had Matt Hardy turn.

ahh ok KB, didnt know that!ah then that is different ...

For me, the biggest factor on the whole outcome will be Takers physical shape. After the last WM he was beat up and had previously had surgery. Rumours are that he was looking at a hip replacement in a few years.

If he's got enough in the tank for another run, then perhaps the ABA is the best way to go. It would kind of be like when Mick Foley went back to the Cactus Jack character against Hunter. He couldn't beat him in one guise, but he can in another.

Would also work given that the ABA has already beaten HHH convincingly, whereas Taker didn't.

If he's still shot, i can see both men struggling to walk out, and Taker being even.