When two Hemispheres go to war!

The summer tours will soon be upon us and the Northern Hemisphere teams will be coming at their Southern Hemisphere counterparts in full force. England vs South Africa is a little like old tiger tanks being replaced with some newer more mobile versions who promises something new and yet may fail completely to deliver a new age methodology to rugby union warfare.

When comparing styles you could say South Africa and England over the years have had very similar styles of engaging the enemy and overall South Africa has had a slight edge over their counterparts. In 104 years of warfare South Africa has won 19 battles and England 12 with one battle petering out into a puff of dust and a whiff of smoke.

Surprisingly the first England invasion only took place on the 3rd of June 1974, the infamous battle of Ellispark where the English were victorious and managed to put a 4 howitzers through the posts and managed to breach the trenches once, whereas South Africa only manage 3 Howitzers.

Twenty two years later and a few upgrades brought the next victorious battle to the English as they managed to breech the Trenches twice, once with the medium size Clarke Tank version and the howitzers of Andrew managed to find the target numerous times and once managed to breech the trenches himself. The most famous victory for the English on SA soil to date.

On 24 June 2000 the all-conquering English went on to register their third victory on South African soil with a master class display of the new and improved accurate Wilkinson lazer guided missile launcher who managed to put 9 accurately guided missiles through the posts, even though South Africa managed to breech the English trenches, this new age launcher was too much on the day.

Australia and Wales have battled 32 times in a war raging since 1908 whereby Wales has been on the receiving end of defeat 21 times, claiming victory 10 times and one battle petering out into a nothingness of threats to dominate but ending into something akin to kissing your sister.

Wales made their first attempt at invading Australia on 29 June 1969 and celebrated their only victory on that famous day. It was a battle where both teams succeeded in breaching each other’s defences successfully, but the Welsh defence was more effective and managed to repel the Australian attack more effectively.

Ireland have battled the mighty New Zealand All Black core, 24 times in a 107 years of war, only once managing to withdraw their troops unscathed even though the battle ended in a peaceful treaty by both forces.

So the Northern hemisphere invasion will commence this June and after 28 attempts, with 4 successful battles as a collective will try to overrun the Southern hemisphere Countries again.

Will South Africa use their more modern Elephant tanks, their lazer guided Morne Missiles, or go for the more modern gorilla type warfare by engaging the enemy with the cut and thrust, quick release Mechanised infantry of Lambie, Frans Steyn and Joe Petersen.

Will England exchange their Churchhill series tanks for more new age equipment, will they bring their new and improved Farrel howitzer or still get bogged down in slow trenches and high mortars?

Can Wales Circumvent the cut and thrust of Australia to record their second victory on Australian soil with their new young guns and inspirational Infantry captain Warburton?

Will Ireland find a way to trade up their Tanks for a more robust and heavy duty clash, or will New Zealand’s Hit and run, patience in attack and meticulous planning be too much when they release their NZLAV’s at will?

Try to keep this thread in military terms if you can please, we are talking warfare, and this ain’t no wendyball.

great article biltongbek.

I think Selection is going to be a major factor in the SA v Eng series. Both have lots of quality in the backs but have been guilty of not using them/picking them.

If England pick Flood and play a wide game they might just sneak two tests. On the other hand if Lambie plays 10 steyn 12 and Joe Petersen at 15 South Africa may have a better back line than England and win the series.

I am not sure if either Coach will pick the more exciting fly half though and if Farrell is up against M Steyn then SA will win all 3 tests

ieuan, I think for both countries the jury is still out as to who the respective generals Lancaster and Meyer will employ.

Meyer has been busy with some contridicting intell by way of first saying he will be using mostly veterans and recalling some of them from deployment in Europe, and then he came back a week later saying he is excited about the newer recruits.

As for Lancaster he seems to have had some casualties at war, so in his case deployment is still in the air.

Following the recent English Uncivil War and defenestration of the king, things have been a bit chaotic. eg using management consultants to pick our Chief of the Imperial General Staff...

However, Lancaster's New Model Army seems to be taking shape, though lacking a perhaps a bit in experienced officers. Whether they will turn out to be Ironsides is yet to be seen, but they acquitted themselves well enough in their first engagements against greedy neighbours keen to take advantage of our domestic problems, losing some territory to Wales, but maybe nicking a bit off the Irish.

In contrast the Boks have just removed a rather political general - something of an issue for them in recent times, but sheer warrior pride seems to make up for it. The worry is they have found someone really good at last to take charge of the army, but he too is very new, and certain intelligence intercepts suggest he too is looking for more eager young recruits.

The consequence should be some cracking good battles.

It is suggested that civilians intending to ride out and view this event bring parasols and a good picnic.

I worry for Ireland,we have Napoleon as our general but he doesn't knoow how to use modern weapons and unless he gets his ideas up to speed we'll be slaughtered.

Our master tactician is helping Argentina to draw up battle plans against France. We are left with a general who many suspect to have greased his way up the army hierarchy through his gruff manner and well connected friends. Although battle hardened he has never been effectively in full command and many suspect his adjutants are not seasoned enough veterans to be taking on international forces.

Despite this, morale among the troops is sky high. One or two casualties remain from the last campaign and Japan's raid has claimed two high ranking NCOS. The captain has piled on a bit of weight behind the lines but he is able to call on his battle honed and equally capable Lt Read if need be to rally the troops. Howitzer Nonu is short on firepower at the moment but has the potential to bust the Irish lines.

The NZ Corps comes up against some heavy Irish artillery particularly in the rear of both frontlines but spies are confident that a head to head battle might favour the Kiwis who would then be able to engage the Irish in more open warfare. The Irish though, if able to hold the line, must see attack as their best method of defence and cannot hope to catch the enemy off guard by trying to engage them in a war of attrition. As an invading force, the Irish will not have the advantage of home terrain but they have studied their enemy well in previous campaigns and know what is needed of them to succeed.

Some predict a massacre but I am expecting a hard fought battle and an odd surprise attack to startle the home force and have them rattled. To err is to be human, to war is to die for. Let me say that someone will die but I will not err in my undying loyalty to the NZ Army Corps. kia kaha aotearoa

Nicely done Kia.

In the event of an Irish rugby Army (IRA) victory over New Zealand forces,then one can only imagine the collateral damage to not only Chiefs of staff but also ground troops that will ensue from local unfriendly fire.

Fantastic article Biltong...best I've seen this year...

To coin a phrase I recall from somewhere...

We shall go on to the end.
We shall fight at Eden Park, we shall fight on the halfway and goal-lines, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our line, whatever the cost may be.

We shall fight in the breakdowns, we shall fight on the muddy grounds, we shall fight in the scrum and in the mauls, we shall fight in the press conferences, we shall never surrender.



Sorry English posters but you're a little too slow...

biltongbek wrote:Will South Africa use their more modern Elephant tanks, their lazer guided Morne Missiles, or go for the more modern gorilla type warfare by engaging the enemy with the cut and thrust, quick release Mechanised infantry of Lambie, Frans Steyn and Joe Petersen.

That made me laugh

aucklandlaurie wrote: In the event of an Irish rugby Army (IRA) victory over New Zealand forces,then one can only imagine the collateral damage to not only Chiefs of staff but also ground troops that will ensue from local unfriendly fire.

Er...maybe you should choose a more appropriate acronym.

"Is life so dear or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of near losses and missed opportunities? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take, but as for me, give me rugby glory or give me death!"

An adaptation from a Patrick Henry speech at Saint John's Church in Richmond, Virginia, in 1775.

Ah, two rival hemispheres, something which is unique in sport and sets rugby apart. A strange time as well, as I finding myself supporting the Irish and the Welsh against those dastardly southerners! If I had to predict results for the 'big 3' tours taking place (excluding Argentina and France plus Scotland):

South Africa 1-2 England
Australia 1-2 Wales
New Zealand 3-0 Ireland

SH 5-4 NH

Duty281 wrote:Ah, two rival hemispheres, something which is unique in sport and sets rugby apart. A strange time as well, as I finding myself supporting the Irish and the Welsh against those dastardly southerners! If I had to predict results for the 'big 3' tours taking place (excluding Argentina and France plus Scotland):

South Africa 1-2 England
Australia 1-2 Wales
New Zealand 3-0 Ireland

SH 5-4 NH

I am surprised to read that you predict Wales and England to do so well, what with history and stats etc...?

Duty281 wrote:Ah, two rival hemispheres, something which is unique in sport and sets rugby apart. A strange time as well, as I finding myself supporting the Irish and the Welsh against those dastardly southerners! If I had to predict results for the 'big 3' tours taking place (excluding Argentina and France plus Scotland):

South Africa 1-2 England
Australia 1-2 Wales
New Zealand 3-0 Ireland

SH 5-4 NH

Me thinks you are a tad optimistic there mate.

biltongbek wrote:

Duty281 wrote:Ah, two rival hemispheres, something which is unique in sport and sets rugby apart. A strange time as well, as I finding myself supporting the Irish and the Welsh against those dastardly southerners! If I had to predict results for the 'big 3' tours taking place (excluding Argentina and France plus Scotland):

South Africa 1-2 England
Australia 1-2 Wales
New Zealand 3-0 Ireland

SH 5-4 NH

Me thinks you are a tad optimistic there mate.

I think he may have got the Australia results correct Bill...!!!

maestegmafia wrote:

biltongbek wrote:

Duty281 wrote:Ah, two rival hemispheres, something which is unique in sport and sets rugby apart. A strange time as well, as I finding myself supporting the Irish and the Welsh against those dastardly southerners! If I had to predict results for the 'big 3' tours taking place (excluding Argentina and France plus Scotland):

South Africa 1-2 England
Australia 1-2 Wales
New Zealand 3-0 Ireland

SH 5-4 NH

Me thinks you are a tad optimistic there mate.

I think he may have got the Australia results correct Bill...!!!

I am sure you would love that result Maes.

biltongbek wrote:

maestegmafia wrote:

biltongbek wrote:

Duty281 wrote:Ah, two rival hemispheres, something which is unique in sport and sets rugby apart. A strange time as well, as I finding myself supporting the Irish and the Welsh against those dastardly southerners! If I had to predict results for the 'big 3' tours taking place (excluding Argentina and France plus Scotland):

South Africa 1-2 England
Australia 1-2 Wales
New Zealand 3-0 Ireland

SH 5-4 NH

Me thinks you are a tad optimistic there mate.

I think he may have got the Australia results correct Bill...!!!

I am sure you would love that result Maes.

It would be fantastic, only three nil to Wales could possibly be better. Onwards and upwards for our young team, good RWC followed by a GS, next thing we have to do is win a series down South mate...!

Maes, I would be very happy for you if you did, it would probably mean more than the slam you got this year in terms of achievements for wales.

Duty281 wrote:Ah, two rival hemispheres, something which is unique in sport and sets rugby apart. A strange time as well, as I finding myself supporting the Irish and the Welsh against those dastardly southerners! If I had to predict results for the 'big 3' tours taking place (excluding Argentina and France plus Scotland):

South Africa 1-2 England
Australia 1-2 Wales
New Zealand 3-0 Ireland

SH 5-4 NH

That's a bit too optimistic there!

Ireland and Wales will comfortably lose 3-0. England could get one win but will probably lose the series.

biltongbek wrote:Maes, I would be very happy for you if you did, it would probably mean more than the slam you got this year in terms of achievements for wales.

Cheers Bill,

Your correct we have won plenty of Grand Slams over the last decade. But progress on and beyond that is what we want.

Let's hope they can do it. I hope they can but we haven't seem what the Aussies have got. Luckily they play the Scott's first and we can evaluate them pre series.

To be honest if you asked me in the beginning of the Super XV I would have said you have a very good chance as the Australian Franchises weren't doing well at all, but now they are starting to gain momentum and the individuals are starting to perform.

Very difficult to call at the moment.

I noticed, they have plenty of players to fill the boots of the injured... will be a great challenge for wales and scotland

I'll be honest, at this stage of our development I'd settle for 2-1 Australia. One win is something to build on.

Duty281 wrote:
New Zealand 3-0 Ireland

I am going to my cold and silent grave: my lamp of life is nearly extinguished: my race is run: the grave opens to receive me, and I sink into its bosom! I have but one request to ask at my departure from this world--it is the charity of its silence! Let no man write my epitaph: for as no man who knows my motives dare now vindicate them. let not prejudice or ignorance asperse them. Let them and me repose in obscurity and peace, and my tomb remain uninscribed, until other times, and other men, can do justice to my character; when my country takes her place among the nations of the earth, then, and not till then, let my epitaph be written.

Feckless Rogue wrote:

Duty281 wrote:
New Zealand 3-0 Ireland

I am going to my cold and silent grave: my lamp of life is nearly extinguished: my race is run: the grave opens to receive me, and I sink into its bosom! I have but one request to ask at my departure from this world--it is the charity of its silence! Let no man write my epitaph: for as no man who knows my motives dare now vindicate them. let not prejudice or ignorance asperse them. Let them and me repose in obscurity and peace, and my tomb remain uninscribed, until other times, and other men, can do justice to my character; when my country takes her place among the nations of the earth, then, and not till then, let my epitaph be written.

Declan Kidney? Naw, its far too intelligable.

Gibson wrote:

Feckless Rogue wrote:

Duty281 wrote:
New Zealand 3-0 Ireland

I am going to my cold and silent grave: my lamp of life is nearly extinguished: my race is run: the grave opens to receive me, and I sink into its bosom! I have but one request to ask at my departure from this world--it is the charity of its silence! Let no man write my epitaph: for as no man who knows my motives dare now vindicate them. let not prejudice or ignorance asperse them. Let them and me repose in obscurity and peace, and my tomb remain uninscribed, until other times, and other men, can do justice to my character; when my country takes her place among the nations of the earth, then, and not till then, let my epitaph be written.

Declan Kidney? Naw, its far too intelligable.

Robert Emmet before they dragged him to the Gallows?

Yeah! Robert Emmet would make a great coach. The fact that hes dead would only help improve our win-ratio.

Gibson wrote:Yeah! Robert Emmet would make a great coach. The fact that hes dead would only help improve our win-ratio.

Maybe with Michael Collins as assistant coach?

James Joyce as manager?

Brendan Behan as motivational coach?

I think we may have something here Maesteg.

Gibson wrote:Brendan Behan as motivational coach?

I think we may have something here Maesteg.

Im sure thats a gang that would put Paul O'Connell's motivational speeches to shame...

Guinness asked Brendan Behan to come up with a slogan for them. He only wanted a case of Guinness as payment. He drank them all and sent them back the slogan, "Guinness gets you drunk".

His suggestion was turned down by the company.

Ah "The Laughing Boy"

I am cautiously optimistic about a good showing from Ireland in NZ. I know we finished badly in the 6 nations but I think everyone knows we're not as bad as that.

The last tour there was marred by experienced players getting a bit over-excited turning the first test a turkey shoot. It didn't help that we were missing a host of front(and second)-line players. They aquitted themselves really well against Oz though.

I know the Kiwis won't take us lightly. There is always pressure on both teams in this fixture, with no NZ side wanting to go down in history as the first to lose to Ireland. Ireland know that they have to do something about this statistic as it is a blight on our rugby history.

Although Kidney has produced teams that have been frustratingly inconsistent more recently, he retains an ability to pull big one-off games out of the hat and his players are certainly capable. If he can achieve that elusive win, in whatever manner, he will be forgiven a lot of past indiscretions. Going on current form, we haven't got a prayer, but since when was form an accurate guide?

I think the Kiwis will be well aware of this. But here's hoping we can still spring a surprise or two.

mankiaow wrote:I am cautiously optimistic about a good showing from Ireland in NZ. I know we finished badly in the 6 nations but I think everyone knows we're not as bad as that.

The last tour there was marred by experienced players getting a bit over-excited turning the first test a turkey shoot. It didn't help that we were missing a host of front(and second)-line players. They aquitted themselves really well against Oz though.

I know the Kiwis won't take us lightly. There is always pressure on both teams in this fixture, with no NZ side wanting to go down in history as the first to lose to Ireland. Ireland know that they have to do something about this statistic as it is a blight on our rugby history.

Although Kidney has produced teams that have been frustratingly inconsistent more recently, he retains an ability to pull big one-off games out of the hat and his players are certainly capable. If he can achieve that elusive win, in whatever manner, he will be forgiven a lot of past indiscretions. Going on current form, we haven't got a prayer, but since when was form an accurate guide?

I think the Kiwis will be well aware of this. But here's hoping we can still spring a surprise or two.

I agree mate. I think Ireland's reputation slipped unnecessarily at HQ.

I really don't think Ireland's reputation has slipped, not in my view anyway, but it is more a case of how strong New Zealand would be

biltongbek wrote:I really don't think Ireland's reputation has slipped, not in my view anyway, but it is more a case of how strong New Zealand would be

I disagree. I think their reputation slipped. I dont think they actually did though, Ireland are a very good side, definitely Wales' toughest opponents in the Six Nations and the match we were closest to losing.

They will be a lot tougher with BOD back, and with a first choice scrum firing on all cylenders...!

It is also a case of how good the ABs are, I agree with that for sure Bill. Can Hansen weave magic? Will Carter and McCaw hit their best form? Who will make up the rest of the team out of the plethora of talent on show for the kiwi S15 teams.

Ireland are the constant, the All Blacks the variable in this equation.

The Irish are the new French.

Consistently inconsistent.

I would like to see a 'Leinster' Irish performance against the All Blacks.

When two hemispheres go to War...they create a perfect sphere. And we don't want promoting that game!!!!

well methinks two halves of an oval still gives you an egg...

When two Tribes go to war
A point is all you can score
When two tribes go to war
A point is all you can score

By William "Holly" Johnson May 1984

two halves of an oval gives you an oval - methinks.

An egg is more a conglomerate of oval and sphere... and we don't want promoting a world shape like that!

ok, how about an oval bulging out in the centre then? They would make an egg then when joined together......