The Azzrentice! Task 1

First topic message reminder :

This is the main page for your Apprentice competition. We'll work out prizes tomorrow, but for now, here are the teams:

Team Scholes
Olly - CAPTAIN
Marky
Trebs
Tooze - FIRED
Russ/Fan - FIRED
Nando - FIRED
Soddy

Team Wilshere
Viva - CAPTAIN
Zebs
Hero
CF - FIRED
Cherries - FIRED
Gregers
GSC - FIRED
Afro

The first task - DEADLINE 2359 ON THURSDAY 22 NOVEMBER - is very simple. England played Sweden on Wednesday night - I want you to tell me what each of the England starting XI would be doing if they weren't footballers. To be clear: this isn't a test of what did Joe Hart get in his Art GSCE, but a test of character assessment. You tell me what each player would be suited to in the real world, and the winning team will get a luxury prize. And from the losing team, one of you will be FIRED!

Viva, you are the Captain of Team Wilshere, and Olly, you are the Captain of Team Scholes. Please ask questions if you need any clarity.

Lord Azzy Mahmood

GSC wrote:I got an idea for a task

Good for you.

Nowt wrong with True Blood, Jessica mmmmmmm

Its all about Breaking Bad tho. Hero you got to watch more, it gets so good its better than playing FIFA

Hero wrote:Nowt wrong with True Blood, Jessica mmmmmmm

Nah, I prefer Soooooooooooooooooooooookie.

Team Scholes submission

England's starting Xi vs Sweden:

01 Joe Hart - Trains as a Professional Wrestler and joins a new version of The Hart Foundation, where he is taught the Sharpshooter submission and how to immensely dislike Shawn Michaels.
02 Glen Johnson - Glen Johnson takes up a career as a barrister, but retires the year later after realising he can't defend.
03 Leighton Baines - Leighton Baines joins a mod revival gang and buys an Everton coloured vespa while touring the country in a suit, listening exclusively to the Jam and the soundtrack from Quadrophenia.
05 Gary Cahill - Opens up an insurance company with his fellow club centre backs, but is left horribly exposed when one wonders off to get his haircut like Sideshow Bob and the other heads to Africa for a course in "How racist are you John? Lets find out"
06 Steven Caulker - Caulker obviously went into DIY with his trusty Caulking Gun, he would go from site to site filling holes in the wall with his similar-to-his-surname sealant. It came to an end however, when poor Steven developed an addiction to Caulking, causing his windpipe to be filled and he suffocated. It's not the happiest story, but Wickes have a memorial Steven Caulker range of Caulking Guns, so it has a happy ending.
04 Steven Gerrard - Due to his career long ability to carry 10 men on his back for 90 minutes, Stevie G opens up a long distance cargo company. "Stevie G-Mail" specialises in transporting Scousers to parts of the world where no-one wants them.
07 Raheem Sterling - Opens a sperm clinic in his Dad's garage called "Raheem's Rascals". He only takes clients who give him a packet of Haribo Starmix and promise not to tell his parents about it.
08 Leon Osman - Grows his hair out and becomes the 5th member of The Kings Of Leon. He rewrites all their hits and replaces them with northern English dialect. Unable to cope with his fame and fortune, he hits drugs and returns to football with Juventus, who really don't mind what their players take..
10 Tom Cleverley - Ends up in a mental institute, sat on the floor wearing a strait jacket, repeating one phrase over and over in a poor John Motson impression; "Cleverley done by Cleverley"
11 Ashley Young - Left wing extremist who throws himself to the floor crying when gets told he's being deported for breaching the peace and trying to get the country to implement Fergie Law
09 Danny Welbeck - Danny Welbeck opens a hair salon in Central Manchester offering only one cut - the ponce. It looks strikingly similar to his own hair.

Bit of extra amusement if you want Azzy. The rest of the squad:

Spoiler:

The England XI Alternative Job Roles

Joe Hart Runs A Dating Agency



After watching the first few Twilight movies alone Joe became a Lonely Hart and wanted a companion for the latest instalment. With the numerous generic dating sites out there in the world Joe had little success.

This gave him the idea to set up a specific dating site targeting those lonely Twilight fans. TwilightWithMe.co.uk in over 1 year now has over 1 million members. They offer a 1 month free trial to satisfy your blood lust. After 18 month they have a 92.7% "Vampire" or "Werewolf" connection rate, one of the highest around for a dating site. Recently expansion of the company has reached out across Europe & the United States in order to help all those Lonely Hart's before it Breaks Dawn.



Glen Johnson Become a gangsta drug dealer



After leaving school with no qualifications to follow his dreams of becoming a professional footballer, Glen Johnson had his contract terminated from his teams youth academy due to his inability to defend as a Fullback. Being on a downer Johnson starts hanging around with his Gangsta friends again. Needing money to support himself & pay child benefits Johnson bumps into an ex chemistry teacher of his, Mr Heisenberg, from Secondary School who has just been diagnosed with a fatal dieses and wants to make money to support his treatment costs. With the ex-teachers chemistry knowledge and Johnsons street smarts the former starts cooking up the best Crystal Meth Greenwich has ever seen while the latter distributes it on the streets. With such high demand for their meth the business expands distributing further into London. With the purest meth in London the pair of Johnson & Heisenberg stepping on other dealers territory word on the street is Johnson is a wanted man by the people of the underworld. As for Heisenberg no one has actually seen him which has led to the rumours he is a myth.



Gary Cahill Road works for Severn Trent



After growing up in the midlands all young Gary wanted was to help people to reach their goals and defend them against potholes on the road. After an apprenticeship under the best that Ireland had to offer he was shipped off to help resolve the issues of the people of Bolton. Young Gary was soon seen as a leader of the group and he won many plaudits despite his growing fascination with Greggs. It wasn't long before this road worker was on the radar of the big boys. Out of the blue Severn Trent approached him for a lucrative contract in London. Gary's boss wasn't happy at him leaving but he certainly made sure the move was made as quickly as possible. At Severn Trent Gary went onto meet Fat Frank with whom he shared a love of the wonderful food found in Greggs. Even better for Gary he was spending less and less time in the field and more and more time on the Benches outside his favourite food chain. Little does Gary know that his long term girlfriend is currently shacked up with his supervisor Mr Terry.



Steven Caulker Handyman builder



Despite his young age Steven learnt many lessons, the first of these being that he can do whatever anyone around him is doing. Whether it’s in the Bathroom, Kitchen, Bedroom or Conservatory - Steven really is the handyman that can plug any gap. He dreams of making it at a successful repair firm but for the moment is stuck as a part-time DIY man surrounded by idiots who he knows he can do a better job than. He regularly has to repair the work of the French Cowboys William and Younes. Never seen without his Caulking Gun. His biggest job to date involved attempting to figure out Ikea furniture, unfortunately this proved a stumbling block.



Leighton Baines Bane impersonator



After watching the third Batman, Leighton is impressed by the villain Bane and decides to follow in his lead. After taking 40kg of muscle growth and shaving his hair, ripping out his voice box and replacing it with an Android app voice replacer making it sound robotic and rusty he wonders around Liverpool town centre beating up anyone that resembles a bat.



Raheem Sterling Runs the Anfield branch of the BNP



Realises that he has a big future on the right wing, so takes over control of the BNP party stationed in Anfield, Liverpool. Spurred on by the support of a renowned Uruguayan racist who attends his weekly meeting, he is rumoured to be looking at joining forces with other leading party members, a Mr J Terry of West London and the population of Serbia.



Tom Cleverley Marmite Salesman for North West region



With the slogan of "You either love it or hate it", Tom seems destined for this job from a young age, taking over the role from Michael Carrick. He is particularly successful in Salford area, where there is a lot of love, and also in London, where many Marmite lovers claim they like Marmite "because my Grandad used to like it".



Steven Gerrard Owns security firm



Steven Gerrard, with the assistance of some un-nameable investors rumoured to be the Liverpudlian Mafia, set up and runs an usher and bouncer agency. They do all the usual private parties to bar doors in the Liverpool area. After a successful first year Steven was commanded to expand the business to bring more money in mainly to cover up the vast amounts of laundering the Scouse Mafia are involved in.

Protect Me Stevie G now specialises in personal protection for high profile & in demand Scousers. After a 3 month trial period the company excelled in protecting DJ's from footballers who wanted to punch them for not playing their song request. There most recent project is protecting Desperate Scousewives from attacks.





Leon Osman Joins the family business and eventually runs a mobile kebab van just off Goodison Road.



After an unsuccessful trial at Everton, Leon returns to work in his family business of mobile kebab vans. He is a hard worker and puts in a lot of graft, but his effort is widely ignored by the senior family members. Eventually at the age of 31, he gets the recognition he deserves and earns his own kebab van outside the Everton ground, where supporters hail him the unsung hero of the local catering, no longer getting overshadowed by the more regarded outlets - Felli's Felafel, Jelly Vic and Baines' Burgers.



Ashley Young Runs Scuba Diving schools around the country.



Unable to make the grade at Watford, Ashley takes advantage of his greatest asset - his ability to dive in any situation and under any level or pressure. He is snapped up by a wannabe American to set up a school in the Midlands with aspirations to match the bigger foreign owned Scuba companies in Manchester. Things go well and he is headhunted to be part of the American company in Manchester.



Danny Welbeck Take on the lead role in the Bill Kenwright production of Bambi in the West End.



Danny stumbles (literally) upon the Manchester auditions and as he takes to the stage, his legs get tangled and he falls to the floor. He instantly gets offered the lead role. The judge, Louis Walsh claims "you remind me of a young Carlton Palmer"

Good morning ladies and gentlemen.

Morning Lord Mahmood

Your task was a simple one. To come up with alternative jobs for the England football team. If it was up to me, some of these over-paid players would be working down a coal mine. So I'm going to look at your proposals and see who I think has given the most thought to the task.

The winning team will be given a treat, and from the losing team at least one of you will be fired.

So...Team Wilshere. I assigned Viva to be your Team Captain. I want to hear by 1005 what you thought of his leadership and how you went about the task. And also who you thought contributed the most to your team's submission.

Viva is awsomez he haz sooo much swagggggggggggg

Morning Lord Jesus Christ Azzy xx

I can't talk about my own leadership. What I will say is Afro, Hero, Zidane and Greggers put in a great deal of effort and work into the task. They listened to what I said but also put thier own thoughts in aswell. If I had to pick one person out who contributed to our task the most it has to be Afro. He was immense, put in great performances in for each part he was doing and didn't drop his high standards.

Viva's leadership was good, he assigned tasks well and kept the task moving along.

We started by listing the starting XI out. That seemed like the most sensible start. We then discussed what we thought was required from the task and decided that it stood out as being one that you wanted us to make you laugh.

We initially thought about dishing out the players and going off to do our own, but quickly realised that we were better off brainstorming ideas. We all fired in suggestions, fed back what we liked and didn't like and came to a consensus of the best one for each player. We then divvied it up and each did a narrative on a handful of players, wioth the exception of Hero who was assigned the secret role of providing visuals to compliment our narrative. Viva then brought them all together in the final presentation you see.

I think you can say that it was a fairly even contribution from Viva, ZZZ, Gregers, Hero and myself, with particular to Hero on his pics. The rest of the team, the less that is said, the better their input is reflected

Morning Lord Jose Azzymat

Morning Lord Jesus Christ Azzy xx

NOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! The Wilshere is the Lord Jesus Christ!!!!!!!!!!!!

hey i was the offical supplier f swag, swag won us dat task hopefully

Okay, thst's enough from Team Wilshere.

Team Scholes, I want to hear from you. Olly was your captain, I want to know what you thought of his leadership, how you went abou the task, and who you thought put the most effort into it. You have until 1018.

Hello Azzy

Olly was a bit slow to get off the mark, it took Marky to make a page for us, but when he got going he improved a bit, he assigned us all players. I think maybe as a team a few people didn't pull their weight which didn't help Olly out but he divided up the players. We maybe could have been a bit more innovative with the task.

Okay, so a disappointing response from Team Scholes. (it's okay lads, I know you can't be online all the time)

Now you're going to hear from me what I thought of your submissions.

It'll be an interesting boardroom if I'm the only one in it

Okay, thst's enough from Team Wilshere.

Nooooooo. I though Viva was a poopie TL. He seemed to hide away from doing anything himself and just "Overseeing". Two member of our team, Cherries & CF, did not contribute one thing. Did our TL Viva do anything about this, NO. Terrible, just Terrible!!
Also im pretty sure half way through the task Viva went off to battle Tiny horses and left us, his team, with everything to do.
On his return he asked if anyone wanted to play FIFA as hes the "Teflon Don" when really we were supposed to be focusing on the task in hand.

oi i gave us swag

Cherries gave us nothing, even less than Viva which is truley astonishing!

Im off for a minute, gotto pop out the office.

my sway was awsoem an we

ftr viva was amazing TM

Team Wilshere - you clearly put a lot of effort into the task. Detailed descriptions, funny, as well as the added level of detail with the photos. However I did not like the way that certain members of your team have been disrespectful to Team Scholes, which is very disappointing.

Is this the same Zidane that cried and bitched about other memebers not pulling thier weight, so instead of rising to the challenege like Afro and Hero he decided to have a strop. Seems to me he forgets that I bailed him out doing th Baines task. Also he had a go at Hero not doing any work when I clearly told him that Hero is away to do special James Bond missions. Dissapointed by Mr Zidane he is the type to do ok when everything is going for him but when the wind slightly brushes against him he'll fall to pieces.

If Zidane had a look he will see that I messaged both of them on thier page but they did not get back to me. It is pointless me begging them and wasting crucial time knowing very well that they wont get back to me you can see my great managerial skills there. A managers job is to slip in without causing any issues and letting everyone get on with thier jobs without and helping here and there. I trust my fellow apprentice that they can work without me but maybe I was wrong about Zidane who needs a lolly and someone to hold his hands.

Team Scholes - you also have put in a good effort. While it lacks the panache of Team Wilshere's submission, I actually found some of your anecdotes funnier than theirs. What I feel has let you down is a lack of creativity and your efforts in providing the rest of the England squad were pretty lethargic.

Team Wilshere - I am talking. Any more nonsense from you and I will fire those interrupting me

So I have to make a decision. It's a tough one.

Team Wilshere, you have the better quality submission. But your attitude is not what I expect from people in my Boardroom.

Team Scholes, you tried your best, and God loves a trier.

However...

Team Wilshere...

You have won this task. The deciding factor was the images.

Let me tell you that I was this close to choosing Team Scholes, purely over your behaviour. But the images added a level of quality above and beyond what I expected, so off you go back to the chatbox.

Your treat is to watch YouTube videos of Philippe Mexes's overhead kick, as it was much better than Zlatan Ibrahimovic's one.

Team Scholes, at 1100 I will begin the examination of what went wrong in your task and, with regret, at least one of you will be fired.

Thank you Lord Azzy.

But before Team Wilshere leaves, I need to say this:

CF, Cherries and GSC - You're Fired. If you don't contribute you don't go through to the next round.

(sorry had RL work to do)

Thank you Lord Azzy, may I say I very much enjoyed that task.

I DID CONTRIBUTE IN THE BEGIINING LOOK AT THE PAGE!!

Thanks Lord Azzy. I think the praise of Hero's pictures is very well deserved

I REFUSE TO LEAV EON UNFAIR GROUNDS AS I DID CONTRIBUTE

cherriesfan wrote:

LOSERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If I was considering relenting, this just cost you your place in the next round. You're Fired Cherries.

NO WAY I CONTRIBUTED AND AM ALLOWED TO CELLEBRATE, I RETRACT THAT POST IMMIIATLY

Well played

IM SOOO SORRY BUT I DID CONTRIBUTE, NOT THAT MUCH WBUT I DID AND WE WON SO I DID HELP, I APPROVED ALL OF THE IDEAS WHICH HELPS AS I GAVES MY OPINIONS AND I HELP PLZ PLZ PLZ PLZ PLZ PLZ PLZ PLZ

I think Cherries deserves to stay, he was very important to the side when we wanted to change our name and he has extra swag so we get the extra girls for that extra stuff.

Had you changed your team name I would have fired every member of your team, so be glad you didn't listen to Cherries.

My reasons are as follows:

1. There is no noticeable contribution to the task on the team page
2. The name change fiasco
3. Not being mentioned by any of his team members for his 'contributions'
4. Gloating at the other team when in fact he'd done nothing
5. Posting in caps lock, which infuriates pretend Lord like myself

Cherries, you did nothing to help your team. You are fired, and I am now ignoring anything you post with regards to the Azzrentice. Get out of my Boardroom.

#CHERRIESFORJUSTICE

Team Scholes, you did well, but the other team outthought you. It's difficult to have to fire at least one of you.

I'm going to start by asking who didn't contribute anything at all to the task - please tell me who they were. (Tooze is one I'm guessing?)

From my knowledge, tooze and russ both didn't do anything. Russ has quit the site altogether though. The other five of us all contributed

Lord Jose Azzymat.
Do our teams stay the same for the next task? I'd be happy if they did.

Zebra, clear off, you are no longer in the boardroom. you should be watching the Mexes goal in an endless loop.