Stupid screenwriters

First topic message reminder :

In honour of Galted and his slightly deranged alternative film universe, what would happen if you got two incredibly stupid screenwriters and an even more stupid studio that managed to splice two remakes together and come up with a very different film? The premise being that both screenwriters send in their efforts at the same time before the hopeless producers mix them up and send them to a rather dim director. I'll start.

A Fistful of Willy: An attempted remake of the classic Eastwood western and the family friendly Orca film get mixed up to produce something entirely different.

One flew over the River Kwai: What could have been interesting re-workings of the Nicholson classic and the WWII drama is turned into a rather dull short film of a man, almost certainly played by Tom Hanks, flying a glider over a body of water in Southern Asia.

The Silence of the Taxi Driver: The expected re-writes of the Hannibal Lector and Travis Bickle stories are actually spliced into a slightly boring silent movie in which a man gets picked up by a cab driver at Kings X who doesn't utter a single word all the way to Canary Wharf.

Over to you.

Galted wrote:

JuliusHMarx wrote:

Galted wrote:

JuliusHMarx wrote:

Galted wrote:Easy Whale Rider - stoned hippies embark on the ultimate "road" trip. Then they drown.

Easy Pale Rider - Clint Eastwood rides into town, trips on acid, leaves town.

Pale Whale Rider - Clint rides whale. Whale p1sses Clint off. Clint shoots whale.

The Outlaw Josey Whale Rider - Clint rides whale. Whale p1sses Clint off. Clint shoots whale

Fast Times At Ridgemont High Plains Drifter - Clint is made hall monitor at high school. Clint finds graffiti. Clint scowls at graffiti. Stoned senior sees Clint scowling and says to Clint "what's up, dude?". Clint shoots stoned senior.

In The Line of Firefox - Clint steals a Russian fighter plane and sets out to kill the President. His twin brother, also played by Clint, foils his plan. Clint shoots Clint.

JuliusHMarx wrote:

Galted wrote:

JuliusHMarx wrote:

Galted wrote:

JuliusHMarx wrote:

Galted wrote:Easy Whale Rider - stoned hippies embark on the ultimate "road" trip. Then they drown.

Easy Pale Rider - Clint Eastwood rides into town, trips on acid, leaves town.

Pale Whale Rider - Clint rides whale. Whale p1sses Clint off. Clint shoots whale.

The Outlaw Josey Whale Rider - Clint rides whale. Whale p1sses Clint off. Clint shoots whale

Fast Times At Ridgemont High Plains Drifter - Clint is made hall monitor at high school. Clint finds graffiti. Clint scowls at graffiti. Stoned senior sees Clint scowling and says to Clint "what's up, dude?". Clint shoots stoned senior.

In The Line of Firefox - Clint steals a Russian fighter plane and sets out to kill the President. His twin brother, also played by Clint, foils his plan. Clint shoots Clint.

The Good The Bad And The Ugly Duckling - Clint takes kids to picnic near to pond in park. Duckling swims by. Kids say "look, Daddy, a duckling". Clint shoots duckling. Kids cry. Clint shoots kids.

Galted wrote:

JuliusHMarx wrote:

Galted wrote:

JuliusHMarx wrote:

Galted wrote:

JuliusHMarx wrote:

Galted wrote:Easy Whale Rider - stoned hippies embark on the ultimate "road" trip. Then they drown.

Easy Pale Rider - Clint Eastwood rides into town, trips on acid, leaves town.

Pale Whale Rider - Clint rides whale. Whale p1sses Clint off. Clint shoots whale.

The Outlaw Josey Whale Rider - Clint rides whale. Whale p1sses Clint off. Clint shoots whale

Fast Times At Ridgemont High Plains Drifter - Clint is made hall monitor at high school. Clint finds graffiti. Clint scowls at graffiti. Stoned senior sees Clint scowling and says to Clint "what's up, dude?". Clint shoots stoned senior.

In The Line of Firefox - Clint steals a Russian fighter plane and sets out to kill the President. His twin brother, also played by Clint, foils his plan. Clint shoots Clint.

The Good The Bad And The Ugly Duckling - Clint takes kids to picnic near to pond in park. Duckling swims by. Kids say "look, Daddy, a duckling". Clint shoots duckling. Kids cry. Clint shoots kids.

Bronco Billy Elliot - Clint plays a ballet-dancing cowboy. Everyone shoots Clint.

JuliusHMarx wrote:

Galted wrote:

JuliusHMarx wrote:

Galted wrote:

JuliusHMarx wrote:

Galted wrote:

JuliusHMarx wrote:

Galted wrote:Easy Whale Rider - stoned hippies embark on the ultimate "road" trip. Then they drown.

Easy Pale Rider - Clint Eastwood rides into town, trips on acid, leaves town.

Pale Whale Rider - Clint rides whale. Whale p1sses Clint off. Clint shoots whale.

The Outlaw Josey Whale Rider - Clint rides whale. Whale p1sses Clint off. Clint shoots whale

Fast Times At Ridgemont High Plains Drifter - Clint is made hall monitor at high school. Clint finds graffiti. Clint scowls at graffiti. Stoned senior sees Clint scowling and says to Clint "what's up, dude?". Clint shoots stoned senior.

In The Line of Firefox - Clint steals a Russian fighter plane and sets out to kill the President. His twin brother, also played by Clint, foils his plan. Clint shoots Clint.

The Good The Bad And The Ugly Duckling - Clint takes kids to picnic near to pond in park. Duckling swims by. Kids say "look, Daddy, a duckling". Clint shoots duckling. Kids cry. Clint shoots kids.

Bronco Billy Elliot - Clint plays a ballet-dancing cowboy. Everyone shoots Clint.

you win

Around the World in 80 Planes, Trains and Automobiles.

A man with a morbid fear of water, played by Tom Hanks, gets around the globe without ever boarding a ship. He does a lot of flying though.

MediaCat wrote:Around the World in 80 Planes, Trains and Automobiles.

A man with a morbid fear of water, played by Tom Hanks, gets around the globe without ever boarding a ship. He does a lot of flying though.

Snakes on Planes, Trains and Automobiles. This time, they're everywhere!

Around the World in 28 Weeks Later.

Unfortunately Tom's character makes the mistake of starting with the rail network, and then there's a summer strike in the airports.

Cloverfield of Dreams - idiot builds baseball diiamond because he hears voices. Gets smashed up by alien monster.
Sexy Beasts of the Southern Wild - can't begin to wonder how the plot would work
Magdalene Sister Act - disgraced Irish women overcome their dehumanizing struggle in Magdalene laundries by singing sh1t songs and dancing as they work
It's a Wonderful Life of Brian - just as he's about to die on the cross Brian's guardian angel appears and shows him the difference his life made to those around him. Turns out it wasn't much of a difference & Brian dies anyway.

the passion of the ghost - though i think this was made as "The Entity"

Das boot de soufflé - French and German cinema collide - on a u-boat!

Masters of the Island of Dr Moreau - How She-man became He-man