Rugby jokes

Right lads and lasses, get your jokes out. The filter will keep them clean but don't take the urine. The rugby can be central or a tenuous connection but must be there. Dreamer and Ospreylian will be keeping an eye out.

I'll start the ball rolling.

As part of the Ospreys community outreach programme recently, Alun Wyn Jones visited a primary school in Merthyr Tudfil. He was introduced to the class and he started talking to the boy closest to him.

"what's your name"

"Charlie"

"have you got any brothers or sisters Charlie"

"yes I've got 8 brothers"

"and what are they called"

"Charlie"

"no, what are they called?"

"Charlie, we're all called Charlie"

At this point the teacher changes the subject, but when Charlie's mother came to fetch him she thought she'd check things out.

"are you Charlie's mother"

"yes"

"have you got nine boys all called Charlie?"

"oh, yes"

"why?"

"well it's easier. When I want them to come in I shout 'Charlie' and they all come"

"how do you tell them apart though?"

"oh, that's easy. They all have different surnames!"

The other day I was in an empty pub having a quiet beer by myself.

The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top.

I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sitting down.

She said 'Hi', and I said 'Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.
'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked. ..

'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'

'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.

'How do you feel now,' she purred.

'OK' I replied.

Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'

Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it... I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a Try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'till full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and......... '



"Ahhh....." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt.



My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton , and she was wet !!!!



She whispered, 'Well tell me this, Mr. Rugby Man: Have you ever felt such a perfect f@nny?'



'I certainly have,' I answered, 'I missed the conversion.'

Couldn't have been a dirtier joke eve if you had

Oi Glas, we are more dignified than that in Merthyr, although they might all have different surnames it is only to share the burden from the CSA. Anyway all my kids are mine, my missus told me.

DOC and ROG were in a bar. ROG was having a lot more luck with the Ladies. So DOC asks him how it did it. Simple ROG says, "go up to them and say 'tickle your bum with a feather?' if they say yes you're in! If they say 'i beg your pardon!' say 'awfully nasty weather' and move on"

Right says DOC and approaches a stunner

"shove a feather up your bum?"

"I beg your pardon!"

"it's pissing down outside..."

A famous rugby player (who shall remain unnamed due to fear of a super-injunction) woke up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen putting a saucepan on the stove. She turned to him, whipped off her nightie and said "I need you to make love to me, now!". After he finished she pushed him off and went back to the stove. "What was that all about?" he said. "The egg timer's broken"

When Barry John died, St Peter under God's instruction gave him a personally guided tour of heaven as rugby was his favourite game and Barry John his favourite player. After seeing the celestial pitches and Clubhouse, they were making their way to see God himself as he was quite curious about about how John could make English players fall over just by swaying his hips, they saw a high walled stone built enclosure. Sounds of avid training and weight lifting, barked commands in a strange accent could be dimly heard coming from inside. "What's that place then" asked John "sssssh! not so loud" said St Peter "it's the New Zealanders, they think they're alone!"

Dylan Hartley

Chris Ashton

A greater comeback than Lazurus...

Northampton's half time team talk?

Thomond wrote:Northampton's half time team talk?

"...Right lads, we've got this one in the bag. Couple of Ash Splashes in the next 10 and then start thinking of ideas for the post match booze-up. Oh, and don't forget to stop scrummaging"

Unbiased Radio 5 live coverage of HC Final.Pseudo-Englishman was almost beside himself for the first 40 minutes:second forty he seemed to be audtioning for the Shipping Forecast!Brilliant!

WillyGilly writing Leinster off after 40

Hi guys, as we know our rugby sportsmen don't take drugs but there are some facts they should know!

All drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name

Example... Tylenol (trade name) is Acetaminophen (generic name) Aleve is also known as Naproxin
and Advil is known as Ibuprofen.


The FDA is looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration the Government settled on the generic neme of
Mycoxaflopping.... Also considered were Mycoxafailing, Mydixadrupin,
Dixafix, and Ibepokin.

Also the government department announced that Viagara will soon be made in liquid form
and in partnership with Pepsi Cola. This will be marketed as a power drink and suitable as a mixer

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously, it cannot be marketed as a soft drink but it will give a new meaning to the terms
Pour me a stiff one , Highballs, and of course Cocktails.

Walking in the park I saw an envelope nailed to a tree. No one about so I had a quick look and inside were two season tickets for the Scarlets. First thought was am I being watched - then I thought sod it I'll have that -

after all you can't have too many nails can you........

Cardiff Blues is a regional team!

Wales coaching tactics reminds me of a type writer, ding hit the left hand touch line now go right, ding back left again etc!

Plan B, there is no plan B.

Scrum-half: 'How many kids have you got?'
Full-back: 'Fourteen-all boys.'
Scrum-half: 'One more and you'll have your own rugby team!'
Full back: 'How many kids have you got?'
Scrum-half: 'Seventeen - all girls.'
Full back: 'One more and you'll have your own golf-course!'

Whats the difference between Gareth Edwards and a pint of Guinness?

When they're good they're good, and if they're bad you're ar$he will be in a state come the morning

Did you mean Gareth Thomas?

Did you hear they drafted Warburton into Dale Farm riot? Who better to clear Irishmen out of a ruck?

Warren Gatland: "Sam I said tip the clerk, not tip tackle Clerc!"

Gavin Henson goes to see his doctor
Gavin: "doctor, I've been playing rugby and now when I touch my leg it hurts, and when I touch my arm it hurts and when I touch my belly it hurts. Whats wrong with me?"

Doctor: "you've broken your finger Gavin"

(I know its not a very credible joke, whoever heard of Gavin Henson playing rugby!)

It's repetitive strain injury from all the 'fart' tricks.

@ Cymroglan - you'd only need 9 as a golf course consists of a front 9 & a back 9

Isn't that a snooker joke?

"well he's got the choice between an easy pink or difficult brown"

england...
(yes i went there!!!!)

Jonny Sextons kicking

How's your marriage to that Munster player going?

Terrible, whenever I start to play with him he just lies on me.

Q. What have the Magical Circle and all of Danny Cipriani's girlfriends got in common?

A. One has a cunning array of stunts and the other has a...

How's your marriage to that Osprey player going

It was OK till he went out on their Christmas bash last year and he hasn't been the same since.

How's your marriage to that Edinburgh player going?

Well you know how I'm into dogging, well it's so quiet up here we can't get anybody to watch us.

Two 90 year lads, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played together for so many years. Please do me one favor, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you".

Shortly after that, Joe sadly passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike -- Mike."

"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike -- it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice.

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven," replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired."

That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

"You're starting at fullback on Tuesday."