Funniest Thing You've Heard Today

I wouldn’t called him Andrew, I’d refer to him as Reverend as he is a bit of a Tw*t

Gary Lineker ‏@GaryLineker Feb 18:
That's what happens when you push forward against Barca @piersmorgan . I hope you are paying attention, student.

Gary Lineker completing destroying Piers Morgan on Twitter!

You got a tight ass you know that? has anyone ever told you, you got a tight ass?

"I'm a Catholic, but I don't believe in God or anything."

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/article-2561686/LITTLEJOHN-Jolly-Jihadi-Boys-Outing-Legoland.html

I've changed my mind!

In response to some fascist hiring out Legoland for a day. here's a delightful piece of politically incorrect satire from, of course, the Daily Mail on how the day might go.

i know this guy has done a lot like this but this is funny

http://www.tickld.com/x/i-wish-i-worked-with-this-manhes-hilarious

Littlejohn is a proper bell end.

rick_dagless wrote:i know this guy has done a lot like this but this is funny

http://www.tickld.com/x/i-wish-i-worked-with-this-manhes-hilarious

Can guess without even reading it's David Thorne, right?

His one about the lost cat posters had me crying with laughter.

"It's symbolic, the cat is 'lost' in the white space".

TopHat24/7 wrote:Littlejohn is a proper legend

Bit of a typo TopHat - all fixed now!

Duty281 wrote:http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/article-2561686/LITTLEJOHN-Jolly-Jihadi-Boys-Outing-Legoland.html

I've changed my mind!

In response to some fascist hiring out Legoland for a day. here's a delightful piece of politically incorrect satire from, of course, the Daily Mail on how the day might go.

This is my favourite bit, "The theme park in Windsor,  Berkshire, has accepted a booking from a man said to be among the top 25 hate preachers in Britain."  How the hell do you get to be in the top 25 hate preachers, does it go by number of audience members?  Maybe Tino should change his birthday mix thread to a no 1 hate preacher on your birthday.

TopHat24/7 wrote:Can guess without even reading it's David Thorne, right?

yes mate it is indeed, My personal favourite is the spider and the overdraft

I won't read that muppet Littlejohn..

A bit like that anything for a reaction Jon Gaunt

It's a bit long but someone sent me this today.  Some of it reminds me of TopHat, don't know why.

TWO COWS

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows.
You sell them and retire on the income

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why
the cow has dropped dead.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three
cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...

The Greek and Chinese versions are my favourite.

I got that via FB today Tino

You have not gone over to the Dark Side have you?

rick_dagless wrote:I got that via FB today Tino

You have not gone over to the Dark Side have you?

Don't push me, Rick. Coxy pushed me.

Someone e-mailed it to me. No doubt they got it from Nerdbook but it wasn't me.

Mind the windows Tino wrote:Someone e-mailed it to me. No doubt they got it from Nerdbook but it wasn't me

Hmmm...

You get a pass... this time

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them

-----------

Haha that did make me chuckle!

Greek, Chinese and, of course, French ones are my favourite there.

Christians against Slipknot possibly the funniest page in the old facebook today!

"A support group for those who feel slipknot have had a negative influence on their. Salvation is only an inbox away. Rid yourself of metal today!"

Not a fan of Christians or Slipknot and think that I'd probably sign up to be with the God Botherers on this one.

Love Slipknot, them and Metallica are my favourite band

I campaigned for Metallica to have the word "Metal" removed from their name such are the depths to which their credibility has plummeted. I first saw them in Bradford in 1988 back when they were, as I like to call it, good....two years later in Birmingham, they we cr@p.

If they played in my back yard, I'd close the curtains and that's only so my daughter is frightened by the sight of her dad kicking the living sh!t out of a bunch of blokes who should have given up years ago (or gone back to their roots)

There's more people in Slipknot so I'd probably have to roll my sleeves up but they suck too....ironically, I don't mind some StoneSour tunes...weird huh?

Best thing i've heard today

"I'm not a smack head, i'm a ex crack head"

Mind the windows Tino. wrote:
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows.
You sell them and retire on the income

Surely this should read
You have no cows - you convince the state to set-up legislature which allows you to take others' cows, and make them work on the farm to be able to afford to buy the milk their cows produce?