The banter thread

[tigertattie]

Ladies, Gentlemen and George Carlin,

It's friday, it's after lunchtime, it's passed the time where my brain feels like functioning and decides to pack up early for the weekend!

So, banter, funny stories, jokes, amusing ditties, limericks, or anything else to pass the time will be appricated!

only funny jokes though. Not sad jokes like Edinburgh Rugby!

[George Carlin]

Oi.

Let's start with the 30 best jokes from the Edinburgh fringe this year:

“I did a gig in a fertility clinic. I got a standing ovulation.”
Tim Vine: Timtiminee Timtiminee Tim Tim to You
(Pleasance Courtyard, One, until Aug 24)

“Dogs don’t love you. They’re just glad they don’t live in China.”
Romesh Ranganathan: Rom Wasn’t Built in a Day
(Pleasance Courtyard, Beneath, until Aug 24)

“Miley Cyrus. You know when she was born? 1992. I’ve got condiments in my cupboard older than that.”
Lucy Beaumont: We Can Twerk It Out
(Pleasance Courtyard, That, until Aug 24)

“I lost my virginity very late. When it finally happened, I wasn’t so much deflowered as deadheaded.”
Holly Walsh: Never Had It
Assembly George Square Studios, Five, until Aug 24

“The past is another country. Property is cheaper there.”
John-Luke Roberts: Stnad-Up
Voodoo Rooms, Free Fringe, until Aug 24

“I used to think an ocean of soda existed, but it was just a Fanta sea.”
Bec Hill in... Ellipses
Gilded Balloon, Turret, until Aug 24

“There are very few people at the Fringe these days doing Roman-numeral jokes. I is one.”
Chris Turner: Pretty Fly
Pleasance Courtyard, Bunker Two, until Aug 25

“Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. I hardly ever visit Syria.”
Alex Horne: Monsieur Butterfly
Pleasance Courtyard, Two, until Aug 24

“I’m not sexist – I’m not! That’s why I let my female workers work longer than the men so they can make the same money.”
Al Murray: The Pub Landlord’s Late Lock In
One-off gig on Aug 12

“Fun fact: did you know that HIV is actually Roman for “high five”? Pass it on – or, rather, don’t.”
Rhys James: Begins
Pleasance Below, until Aug 24

“The other day, I went to KFC. I didn’t know Kentucky had a football club.”
Nick Helm’s Two Night Stand at the Grand
Pleasance Grand, until Aug 12

“I’ve got nothing against teachers now. I’ve got friends that went to schools that were full of teachers.”
Dane Baptiste: Citizen Dane
Pleasance Courtyard, Bunker Two, until Aug 24

“Wetherspoons? They’ve all got character. They’ve all got the same character.”
Liam Williams: Capitalism
Free Fringe: Laughing Horse@The Cellar Monkey, until Aug 25

“You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.”
Sara Pascoe vs History
Assembly George Square, Studio Two, until Aug 15

“I thought Benefits Street was a budget box of chocolates that you could buy at Lidl.”
Imran Yusuf: Roar of the Underdog
Underbelly, Wee Coo, until Aug 25

“Giving up smoking for 27 years is like wrestling a polar bear, in that it can make you quite tense.”
Dylan Moran, in Comedy Sans Frontières
Pleasance Grand, one-off gig

“You have to be careful in my country because we have bad cars and good wine, a dangerous combination.”
Francesco De Carlo: Italians do it Later
Pleasance Courtyard, Bunker One, until Aug 25

“I’m Clive Anderson, in case you were thinking so that’s what happened to William Hague these past years...”
Clive Anderson, in What Does the Title Matter Anyway?
Underbelly, McEwan Hall, until Aug 19

“The reason I was never that scared of the enemy fighters in Star Wars is they look essentially like flying brackets.”
Will Adamsdale: Borders
Underbelly, Belly Button, until Aug 24

“In advertisements, there are just two types of women: wanton, gagging for it; or vacuous. We’re either coming on a window-pane, or laughing at salads.”
Bridget Christie: An Ungrateful Woman
Stand One, until Aug 25

“That song ends flatly. It’s like a sniper at Riverdance.”
Chris Turner: Pretty Fly
Pleasance Courtyard, Bunker Two, until Aug 25

“A funny German comedian? For you, that’s like a Russian human-rights commission.”
Michael Mittermeier: Das Blackout
Gilded Balloon, Nightclub, until Aug 25

“There’s only four things you can be in life: sober, tipsy, drunk and hungover. Tipsy is the only one where you don’t cry when you’re doing it.”
James Acaster: Recognise
Pleasance Courtyard, Cabaret Bar, until Aug 24

“Like most liberals, I will do anything for the working classes, anything - apart from mix with them.”
Kevin Day: Standy Uppy
Gilded Balloon, Billiard Room, until Aug 25

“I’ve got type 1 diabetes. Diabetes is the only disease where I’ve had to stop half way through having sex to have a Kit Kat.”
Ed Gamble: Gambletron 5000
Pleasance Courtyard, Cabaret Bar, until Aug 24

“I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg. I said, I bet I know what your favourite Christian festival is. He said, You have to love Easter, baby.”
Tim Vine: Timtiminee Timtiminee Tim Tim to You
Pleasance Courtyard, One, until Aug 24

“Due to the size of my social circle, a lads' holiday would resemble a romantic getaway.”
Phil Wang: Mellow Yellow
Pleasance Courtyard, Bunker One, until Aug 24

“My dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.”
Mark Watson: Flaws
Pleasance Courtyard, One, until Aug 24


“There’s only one thing I can’t do that white people can do, and that’s play pranks at international airports.”
Nish Kumar: Ruminations on the Nature of Subjectivity
Pleasance Courtyard, Beside, until Aug 24

“When my wife and I argue, we’re like a band in concert: we start with some new stuff, and then we roll out our greatest hits.”
Frank Skinner: Man in a Suit
Assembly George Square, Theatre, until Aug 24