Pre-season Query - What is your best clean joke?

I'm bored, there is no rugby to talk about and I have a series of dinners coming up next week with various senior legal people from around our network.

It occurred to me that I haven't heard a good, clean(ish) joke in ages - certainly not one suitable for sharing in quasi-polite company. 
Then again, to be honest, when lawyers get hammered it often makes a Nicholas Pileggi movie sound like a gardening seminar in a convent. 

Best previous clean joke:

Q. Where did Saddam Hussein keep his CDs? 
A. In Iraq. 

Er, you need to say it out loud. 

I know that you can all do better. 

Extra marks will be given for topical lines about Brexit, Boris Johnson, the England football team and the Rio Olympics.

Thanks very much.

I'm guessing they wouldn't know who NWA were?

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walked into a bar.

The Englishman wanted to go so they all had to leave.

funnyExiledScot wrote:An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walked into a bar.

The Englishman wanted to go so they all had to leave.

Reminds me of a post BREXIT Bill Baily joke.

An Englishman, an Englishman and an Englishman walked into a bar....

TomTom have sent all users updates to their European road maps:

What did Batman say to Robin before he got in the bat mobile....?
Get in Robin!

Funny how 8 cups of water a day seems impossible, but 8 pints and 4 shots in 3 hours goes down quicker than a chubby kid on a seesaw....

An African lady called betty came in to my restaurant and asked "is there any chicken on the menu"
I replied " No black betty its ham or lamb"

Whats Orange and sounds like a Parrot...?
A Carrot

I went Fly fishing the other day...caught a 10lb bluebottle.

Went to the zoo at the weekend, all it had was one dog....
It was a sh1tzu

Archaeologists in Egypt have discovered the remains of a mummy covered in nuts and chocoloate. They think its the remains of Pharoah Roche

Im very sorry......My favourite types of jokes
Woeful sense of humour....

funnyExiledScot wrote:An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walked into a bar.

The Englishman wanted to go so they all had to leave.

100% stolen

• My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’ That wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive.
• I like Jesus but he loves me, so it's awkward.
• My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child. Well, maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
• Standing in the park, I was wondering why a Frisbee gets larger the closer it gets. Then it hit me.
• I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'.
• I got an odd-job man in. He was useless. Gave him a list of eight things to do and he only did numbers one, three, five and seven.
• I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
• I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.
• A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought 'That's a turtle disaster'.
• I’ve decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.
• You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.
• So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.
• I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!
• I could tell my parents hated me, my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
• I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already

Sounds like Tim Vine

Lots of good Stewart Francis stuff:

- Is my wife dissatisfied with my body?… a small part of me says yes.
- Regarding my family, I’m the youngest of three; my parents are both older.
- My father is schizophrenic, but he’s good people.

LondonTiger wrote:Sounds like Tim Vine

Was going to say Milton Jones

lostinwales wrote:

LondonTiger wrote:Sounds like Tim Vine

Was going to say Milton Jones

Just found the site they were "stolen" from. Quite a few were Tommy Cooper.

Some good ones from the Fringe this year:

- Joan Rivers got exactly what she wanted from that last surgery – to stop ageing.
- Maybe Hitler wouldn’t have been so grumpy if people hadn’t left him hanging for high-fives all the time.
- I was vegan for a while. I lost 6lb, but most of that was personality.
- Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.

Which Knight of Camelot built the round table?

Circumference

How does Bob Marley like his sandwiches?
With jam-in

What is Bruce Lee's favourite beverage?
Wah-Tah

Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side

Why does Rupert The Bear wear yellow checked trousers?
Because he is a fool.

Q: Why was George Michael's face covered in chocolate?

A: Because he was careless with his wispa.



Q: What's the difference between people from Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

A: People from Dubai don't watch The Flintstones, but people from Abu Dhabi do.

George Carlin wrote:- I was vegan for a while. I lost 6lb, but most of that was personality.

Saw this in a buzz feed article;

Nigel Farage has resigned as leader of UKIP after taking us out of Europe. He has claimed he needs more time to focus on his day job; representing the UK in the European Parliament.

Notch wrote:

George Carlin wrote:- I was vegan for a while. I lost 6lb, but most of that was personality.

Saw this in a buzz feed article;

Nigel Farage has resigned as leader of UKIP after taking us out of Europe. He has claimed he needs more time to focus on his day job; representing the UK in the European Parliament.

You had to go and ruin it!

I was considering getting a Farage tattoo on my arse, with his gurning mouth appropriately positioned. The thought of poo coming out of his mouth several times a day tickled me slightly. Then I realised that it would have been merely a drop in the ocean.

Sorry RDW

Notch wrote:

George Carlin wrote:- I was vegan for a while. I lost 6lb, but most of that was personality.

Saw this in a buzz feed article;

Nigel Farage has resigned as leader of UKIP after taking us out of Europe. He has claimed he needs more time to focus on his day job; representing the UK in the European Parliament.

I think I heard one for the EU members use that one on the news yesterday, so I guess he must be a member/visitor of these boards

Here's some awesome non-political but not always clean jokes to make up for the political one

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGczCl6_L_o

Notch wrote:

George Carlin wrote:- I was vegan for a while. I lost 6lb, but most of that was personality.

Saw this in a buzz feed article;

Nigel Farage has resigned as leader of UKIP after taking us out of Europe. He has claimed he needs more time to focus on his day job; representing the UK in the European Parliament.

I liked the one that went
'Nigel Farage has resigned as leader of UKIP, mainly to spend time with his German wife before she's deported.