6 Nations 2017 Predictions

Some certainties:

IRELAND

1. The team will be hyped beyond belief.
2. Joe Schmidt will be described several times by commentators as "the best home nations coach".
3. John Inverdale will turn purple trying not to publicly disagree with 2.
4. Brian O'Driscoll will rock up in a commentary booth sounding very casual and slightly bewildered.
5. Simon Zebo will retain his status as 'Most Overrated Northern Hemisphere Player'.
6. Paddy Jackson's status as most accurate kicker in the tournament (which it was last year) will be completely ignored.
7. CJ Stander will actually snap an opposing player like a twig.
8. Jonny Sexton will continually do the same face as a toddler who has just dropped his ice cream on the floor.
9. Rory Best and his 'soft voice/concerned face' combination will talk referees out of awarding at least 4 tries against Ireland.
10. Beating the All Blacks will be mentioned 3,458,798 times by match commentators.
11. George Hook will no longer even try to hide his racism and general beligerance towards anyone non-Irish.
12. Connor Murray will stand on one leg like Ralph Macchio at the end of Karate Kid for extended periods of time and point frantically at anyone trying to touch him.

WALES

1. The team will be hyped beyond belief.
2. Jonathan 'Jiffy' Davies will look even more like a ferret who has just woken from a short nap in a barrel of strong cider.
3. Sam Warbuton will play every game. Nobody will be able to understand why.
4. Robert Howley will look more and more slumped until at the end of the tournament, his spine will be an actual 'S' shape.
5. The press will constantly ask for a player under 25 to be chosen. None will be.
6. Gethin Jenkins will actually bring his iron lung onto the field of play.
7. The 'Welsh Way' will STILL be an expression flung around like confetti.
8. Eddie Butler will be unable to get through a game without saying 'But what of England?'. Even though they aren't playing.
9. Shane Williams will be refused entry to a ground for looking under age.
10. Warren Gatland will be seen drunk after a Welsh defeat having a laugh with Andy Irvine.

ENGLAND

1. The team will be hyped beyond belief.
2. Eddie Jones will spontaneously combust with smugness.
3. John Inverdale will spend 90% of the time talking about England in the pre-match analysis. Even if they are not playing.
4. BBC Sport will run a 4 hour special called 'Maro Itoje Night' with in-depth interviews from family, friends, agents and anyone who once shook his hand.
5. Dylan Hartley will have a swear box in the dressing room. By the end of the tournament, he will have donated GBP 598,000 to a local charity.
6. All commentators will continue to ignore how good Chris Robshaw actually is.
7. Mike Brown will officially start a fight in an empty room.
8. Dan Cole will do his 'bewildered' face a lot.
9. Clive Woodward will pop up on commentary teams sounding increasing like a mad homeless man who shouts into bins and talks about 2003 like it was the time of the Great Enlightenment.
10. More and more Scotland fans will come round to the fact that Brian Moore is a great bloke and a hilarious commentator.  

FRANCE

1. In France, the team will be hyped beyond belief.
2. Thomas Castaignede will sit politely as a studio guest for 2 hours without Inverdale thinking to ask him a question.
3. Morgan Parra will be called 'a little general' 48 times without the whiff of racism ever entering the heads of the commentary team.
4. Guy Noves will attend a press conference in a stripy jumper wearing a beret and smoking a Gauloises wrapped inside a Gitanes.
5. Serge Blanco will finally reach 35 stones and start to block out the sun.
6. Jonathan Davies will pronounce Damien Chouly five different ways. All of them will be wrong.
7. Eddie Butler will constantly luxuriate in pronouncing the name 'Sebastien Vahaamahina'.
8. Everyone will try and utterly fail not to ask 'which French side will turn up' 24 times each during a game.
9. Ditto 'Gallic flair'.
10. Everyone in the studio will be an instant expert on Louis Picamole as they've actually seen him play more than twice this season.
11. Inverdale will mention that Jonny Wilkinson now coaches in France. This will have no bearing on any game or anything, ever.
12. Austin Healey will keep his largest and most flamboyant scarf for touchline punditry in Paris.
13. Someone in the commentary team will try an appalling French phrase. Everyone will laugh out of embarrassment. Thomas Castaignede will smile politely.
14. Sky will wheel out a tanned, happy and borderline inebriated Richard Cockerill to talk about how awesome being in France is.

ITALY

1. Sky commentators will continue to nominate Sergio Parisse as man of the match. Even though he is sitting next to them in the commentary booth. 
2. Cameramen will spend an uncomfortable amount of time finding attractive female Italian fans in the audience. 
3. Segment producers will contrast this with a shot immediately afterwards of the ugliest, fattest, oldest, most feral, most sh!tfaced, most tattooed and most ridiculously costumed home nations fans that they can find. Inevitably, the cameramen will be spoiled for choice. 
4. John Inverdale will try an Italian phrase and horribly mispronounce it. Everyone will laugh out of embarrassment. Thomas Castaignede and Sergio Parisse will smile politely.
5. Michele Campagnaro will score at least two astonishing tries. They will be completely ignored in favour of a new studio segment about what Maro Itoje thinks about the international refugee crisis.
6. Castro will come onto the pitch, tw@t someone, gesticulate wildly, look as through someone has shat in his salad and then be red carded. All in the space of 4 minutes or fewer.
7. Andy Nicholl will point out at least 5 times that Tommaso Allan could have played for Scotland. And then say, 'of course, now that we have Finn Russell, we don't really need him'.
8. Classical Italian folk songs will make up about 80% of the puns that the snickering home counties studio team will come out with. The other 20% will relate to food.
9. Lawrence Dallaglio will be asked at least once during the England match about which part of Italy he's from and if he can knock together a decent maranara sauce.
10. Simone Favaro will have at least one MoM performance (as he did against the Springboks). Andy Nicholl will have a stroke trying to ram it into the studio conversation that he plays for Glasgow.

SCOTLAND

1. The team will not be hyped in the slightest.
2. Stuart Hogg will score at least 3 tries that nobody else in the NH could hope to score and make more meters than any other backline player.
3. In one match, he will then miss one tackle in the 79th minute against a newly substituted lock forward and be immediately badged by the fans of all other nations as wholly unsuitable to tour with the Lions.
4. John Inverdale will behave like a smug, condescending **** and be wholly unaware that he is doing it.
5. Andrew Cotter will continue to sound like he's holding his nose and whispering through a toilet roll tube.
6. Jonny Gray will score at least once, make more tackles than any other player and guarantee his own line-out ball
7. In one match, he will then miss one tackle in the 79th minute against a newly substituted winger who has been given a 30m head start and be immediately badged by the fans of all other nations as wholly unsuitable to tour with the Lions. Inverdale will comment afterwards that Gray shouldn't be disheartened as he is very nearly as good as the England understudies to Kruis and Itoje.
8. Scotland will dominate most teams for an hour, fail to score and then lose agonisingly in the last minute against Ireland, England and Wales.
9. Vern Cotter's eyes will actually turn Austin Healey to stone on live television.
10. Tommy Seymour will score at least 3 fabulous tries. They will be completely ignored in favour of an extended studio segment about Maro Itoje's recent statement that Grigori Perelman solved the Poincare conjecture because he told him the answer over a couple of pints of wheatgrass juice. The BBC commentary team will report that this is true and demand that Perelmen be arrested.
11. We will all miss Bill McLaren very badly.
12. Greig Laidlaw will say "BT" before the word "Murrayfield" 38 separate times in interviews. On the one occasion he forgets, he will take a full page ad in the Telegraph apologising for his mistake.

George Carlin wrote:Some certainties:

IRELAND
12. Connor Murray will stand on one leg like Ralph Macchio at the end of Karate Kid for extended periods of time and point frantically at anyone trying to touch him.

Use the crane Danny boy!!!

(which is actually from Karate Kid Part III)

I predict that the real reason Eddie is sporting a shiner will come out before the end of the first week

The Ireland ones are all pretty much spot on.

13. Munster fans will not be happy, win, lose, draw or grand slam regardless of whether Peter from the parish is included and everyone universally agrees how wonderful he is or not. Although if the newspapers in England give him an 8 out of 10 in the match reports a few small chips may fall of some shoulders.

By the way how do you know George Hook? Thought you Brits didnt get RTE?

Gwlad wrote:I predict that the real reason Eddie is sporting a shiner will come out before the end of the first week

We had a teacher in school with a somewhat unfortunate surname, and the first lesson we had with him he said to us to shout anything and everything we wanted to about his name for 60 seconds, and he wouldn't do a thing, but he never wanted to hear anything after that. Obviously everyone obliged.

I think Eddie Jones has done the same with Hartley.

GunsGermsV2 wrote:The Ireland ones are all pretty much spot on.

13. Munster fans will not be happy, win, lose, draw or grand slam regardless of whether Peter from the parish is included and everyone universally agrees how wonderful he is or not. Although if the newspapers in England give him an 8 out of 10 in the match reports a few small chips may fall of some shoulders.

By the way how do you know George Hook? Thought you Brits didnt get RTE?

You still have a thing for POM I see. lol

GunsGermsV2 wrote:The Ireland ones are all pretty much spot on.

13. Munster fans will not be happy, win, lose, draw or grand slam regardless of whether Peter from the parish is included and everyone universally agrees how wonderful he is or not. Although if the newspapers in England give him an 8 out of 10 in the match reports a few small chips may fall of some shoulders.

By the way how do you know George Hook? Thought you Brits didnt get RTE?

Everyone knows RTE's favourite Senile Racist Uncle.

9. Rory Best and his 'soft voice/concerned face' combination will talk referees out of awarding at least 4 tries against Ireland.

He is a smoothie

Peter from the parish is excellent. I also enjoyed Ben from accounts, which someone on here had come up with. Great work.

We should hold a sweep!

How many times will the following be said?

1. Brian Moore shouts "Nooooooooooooo" when England do a boo boo
2. Jiffy shouts "It's on, it's on" when Wales have the ball in the opponents half
3. Clive Woodword say "In 2003"
4. Andy Nicol says "We're improving, we're just not there yet"
5. John Inverdull says "How will this game have effected his Lions chances"

profitius wrote:

GunsGermsV2 wrote:The Ireland ones are all pretty much spot on.

13. Munster fans will not be happy, win, lose, draw or grand slam regardless of whether Peter from the parish is included and everyone universally agrees how wonderful he is or not. Although if the newspapers in England give him an 8 out of 10 in the match reports a few small chips may fall of some shoulders.

By the way how do you know George Hook? Thought you Brits didnt get RTE?

You still have a thing for POM I see. lol

Meant to be a generic name not necessarily POM (maybe a small subliminal nod to POM, don't tell anyone)

Its a pastiche of Munster fans.

George Carlin wrote:

GunsGermsV2 wrote:The Ireland ones are all pretty much spot on.

13. Munster fans will not be happy, win, lose, draw or grand slam regardless of whether Peter from the parish is included and everyone universally agrees how wonderful he is or not. Although if the newspapers in England give him an 8 out of 10 in the match reports a few small chips may fall of some shoulders.

By the way how do you know George Hook? Thought you Brits didnt get RTE?

Everyone knows RTE's favourite Senile Racist Uncle.

Everyone in Ireland knows he is a dithering old fool. They persist with him for entertainment value. Brian Moore used to be quite "racist" in his rants particularly re the French. He seems to be one of the calmest men around nowadays. Great chap altogether.

RTE will always be biased when it is available to the Irish market only. Sky and BBC are both broadcast in the UK and Ireland so probably feel they need to represent their audiences a bit more.

Hook also hates cyclists so I dont like him for that as i cycle everywhere.

GunsGermsV2 wrote:

George Carlin wrote:

GunsGermsV2 wrote:The Ireland ones are all pretty much spot on.

13. Munster fans will not be happy, win, lose, draw or grand slam regardless of whether Peter from the parish is included and everyone universally agrees how wonderful he is or not. Although if the newspapers in England give him an 8 out of 10 in the match reports a few small chips may fall of some shoulders.

By the way how do you know George Hook? Thought you Brits didnt get RTE?

Everyone knows RTE's favourite Senile Racist Uncle.

Everyone in Ireland knows he is a dithering old fool. They persist with him for entertainment value. Brian Moore used to be quite "racist" in his rants particularly re the French. He seems to be one of the calmest men around nowadays. Great chap altogether.

RTE will always be biased when it is available to the Irish market only. Sky and BBC are both broadcast in the UK and Ireland so probably feel they need to represent their audiences a bit more.

Hook also hates cyclists so I dont like him for that as i cycle everywhere.

Sh!t the bed, imagine if an English Cyclist ran over his toe! Imagine the rant he'd come up with next time he was on telly

Id say Hook actually likes English people. He lives in Foxrock (or "leafy Foxrock" as he rather annoyingly insists on calling it) which Im guessing has at least a small population of Anglo-Irish/English people. I wouldnt be surprised at all if he was Brexit supporter too.

He is also from Cork and they love England in Cork.

tigertattie wrote:We should hold a sweep!

How many times will the following be said?

1. Brian Moore shouts "Nooooooooooooo" when England do a boo boo
2. Jiffy shouts "It's on, it's on" when Wales have the ball in the opponents half
3. Clive Woodword say "In 2003"
4. Andy Nicol says "We're improving, we're just not there yet"
5. John Inverdull says "How will this game have effected his Lions chances"

2. Jiffy shouts "It's on, it's on" when Wales have the ball.

Which is usually followed up with "goooo wide!".

And then when the move inevitably breaks down "you've got to earn the right to go wide".

And then Eddy Butler saying, "nurse, he's out of bed again."

I may have made the last bit up.

Scotland
Swinson will come on as a sub. Commit a string of fouls and get a yellow card having been only on the pitch 5 mins

Laidlaw will stand at the base of a ruck for 20 mins with his foot on the ball then will throw a pass like an exocet right into somones hands in space.

Finn Russell will mesmerise the opposition with some delightful deceit then once he only has the fullback to beat throw a pass straight to the aforementioned fullback

The whole team will run away from every restart kick giving the ball to the opposition again

TJ wrote:Scotland
Swinson will come on as a sub. Commit a string of fouls and get a yellow card having been only on the pitch 5 mins

Laidlaw will stand at the base of a ruck for 20 mins with his foot on the ball then will throw a pass like an exocet right into somones hands in space.

Finn Russell will mesmerise the opposition with some delightful deceit then once he only has the fullback to beat throw a pass straight to the aforementioned fullback

The whole team will run away from every restart kick giving the ball to the opposition again

You're not entirely correct with that last part! As our restarts are so horrendous we could actually use the run away tactic and hope the ball goes out for a lineout

Scotland will be described as 'brave' in the headlines in at least three match reports, either in victory or defeat.

Sean Lamont will come off the bench, with a look on his face daring anyone to tell him he's too old.

Huw Jones won't quite live up to the hype, but will do enough to justify a pro-contract with Glasgow.

Commentators will slowly come to learn how to pronounce 'Zan-der Fay-ger-sen'.

I only have a problem with this one:

10. Beating the All Blacks will be mentioned 3,458,798 times by match commentators.

Taking into account that saying 'Ireland bet the All Blacks' takes approximately 2 seconds, it would take around 80 days to say it 3,458,798 times. That doesn't factor in taking a breath between each recurrence of the statement. I just want to know how you came to such an impossible statement George

Personally, I'm all in favour of it being mentioned that many times.

If there was a couch in my office I would jump on it now.

Pete330v2 wrote:I only have a problem with this one:

10. Beating the All Blacks will be mentioned 3,458,798 times by match commentators.

Taking into account that saying 'Ireland bet the All Blacks' takes approximately 2 seconds, it would take around 80 days to say it 3,458,798 times. That doesn't factor in taking a breath between each recurrence of the statement. I just want to know how you came to such an impossible statement George

Here in Dubai, nothing is impossible if you have the cash.

I mean, I don't. But I'm just saying.

Pete330v2 wrote:I only have a problem with this one:

10. Beating the All Blacks will be mentioned 3,458,798 times by match commentators.

Taking into account that saying 'Ireland bet the All Blacks' takes approximately 2 seconds, it would take around 80 days to say it 3,458,798 times. That doesn't factor in taking a breath between each recurrence of the statement. I just want to know how you came to such an impossible statement George

Get the whole crowd in the Aviva saying it simultaneously? Could get it over and done with in a few minutes then.

Now you are talking.

OP updated.

George Carlin wrote:OP updated.

George Carlin wrote:OP updated.

Get your finger out and do us!

Some very good ones for France.

tigertattie wrote:

George Carlin wrote:OP updated.

Get your finger out and do us!

That's what she said.

IanBru wrote:

tigertattie wrote:

George Carlin wrote:OP updated.

Get your finger out and do us!

That's what she said.

I wish

Good job GC.
Did Serge Betsen stopped being a pundit for the BBC?

Presumably around the time Inverdale commented on his 'puffy eyes', one of his many unbelievably obnoxious comments on the appearance of athletes.

Which is rich coming from a man doing a very good visual impersonation of a middle aged lesbian.

miaow wrote:Presumably around the time Inverdale commented on his 'puffy eyes', one of his many unbelievably obnoxious comments on the appearance of athletes.

Which is rich coming from a man doing a very good visual impersonation of a middle aged lesbian.

Or as the Blood and Mud podcast so wonderfully described him: a man with the look of a provincial serial killer.

George Carlin wrote:
6. Jonathan Davies will pronounce Damien Chouly five different ways. All of them will be wrong.

I still chuckle at Harinordoquy once being pronounced as "Harry Ordinary"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aSIJ1hNSBlA

Although Jiffy's still by far the best former player commentating on the game, his knowledge and ability to "see" things that others simply don't comment on puts him above any of his NH peers. That he annoys everyone outside Wales is a bonus.

miaow wrote:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aSIJ1hNSBlA

Although Jiffy's still by far the best former player commentating on the game, his knowledge and ability to "see" things that others simply don't comment on puts him above any of his NH peers. That he annoys everyone outside Wales is a bonus.

Philip Matthews is better. Shame he doesn't commentate more often.

Also he is the only rugby player to appear on both Republic of Turkmenistan and Tadjikistan postage stamps.

Going to be hard to call Morgan Parra the little general when he's not in the French squad but I think your overall post is very good George Carlin.

I can imagine that the commentators will get excited about Bastareaud if he starts or comes off the bench for France.

If I was French it would be tempting to get him to run at George Ford....


My biggest issue with Jonathan Davies is his voice and that's not a great thing that you want from a commentator. Seems to be less high pitched and be more knowledgeable when doing rugby league.


Scotland will of course be called dark horses. Johnny Gray not missing a tackle will be mentioned many times. Russell will be built up before the Scotland-Ireland game thanks to his form for Glasgow.

miaow wrote:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aSIJ1hNSBlA

Although Jiffy's still by far the best former player commentating on the game, his knowledge and ability to "see" things that others simply don't comment on puts him above any of his NH peers. That he annoys everyone outside Wales is a bonus.

Jiffy is far better during League games than Union. Much less excited, shows more knowledge and comments on both teams.

GunsGermsV2 wrote:

miaow wrote:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aSIJ1hNSBlA

Although Jiffy's still by far the best former player commentating on the game, his knowledge and ability to "see" things that others simply don't comment on puts him above any of his NH peers. That he annoys everyone outside Wales is a bonus.

Philip Matthews is better. Shame he doesn't commentate more often.

Also he is the only rugby player to appear on both Republic of Turkmenistan and Tadjikistan postage stamps.

Haha, na. A team could score that BaBas v. All Blacks try and it would elicit "that's terrible defence by Ireland". I have no issue with partisan commentary (Brian Moore and Jiffy are great, as is Justin Marshall, although he is a more balanced foil to the more biased Kiwi commentators when commentating on NZ broadcasts), but he really doesn't offer too much other than a good knowlegde of Irish rugby. Which is fine. But nowhere near Jiffy as a reader and 'explainer' of the game.

In terms of slickness and presentation, then yes, Jiffy goes right down the bottom. But then I don't care about that, and the BBC's continued employment of Inverdale suggests they don't either.

I think Jiffy's still good for international games, but he's got very sloppy on Pro12 games for Scrum V. Then again, the whole Scrum V team is poor. They're all far too comfortable.

I think fans from other countries might not find him so annoying if he was only allowed to commentate on games not involving Wales.

1) Eddy Butler will do his impression of a poor man's Dylan Thomas in the pre-match build-up to each game.
2) I will at that point leave the room to pour myself a beer.

Exiledinborders wrote:1) Eddy Butler will do his impression of a poor man's Dylan Thomas in the pre-match build-up to each game.
2) I will at that point leave the room to pour myself a beer.

I hope they get rid of that 'The Cut' thing they've had the last few seasons. They'd be so much better off just showing brief highlights of the games in real time, instead of fannying around with different angles and special effects.

I fully expect the BBC to keep cutting to the crowd during the anthems at the Millennium Stadium, in the belief that we'd rather see some p!ssed grandmother sing 'Hen Wlad fy Nhadau' than the players.

Luckless Pedestrian wrote:I fully expect the BBC to keep cutting to the crowd during the anthems at the Millennium Stadium, in the belief that we'd rather see some p!ssed grandmother sing 'Hen Wlad fy Nhadau' than the players.

Speak for yourself, Luckless. I'm a bona fide Trumponian Heterosexual. I even went to college to major in the subject! Don't be so intolerant of different beings!

Luckless Pedestrian wrote:I fully expect the BBC to keep cutting to the crowd during the anthems at the Millennium Stadium, in the belief that we'd rather see some p!ssed grandmother sing 'Hen Wlad fy Nhadau' than the players.

When in Paris or Rome the director will cut to an attractive and stylishly dressed women in the crowd. When in Edinburgh they will cut to a man in a Tam O Shanter bonnet with ginger wig attached.

Whether this difference is a function of the director's preferences or the crowd's dress sense I cannot say.

Am pretty sure the BBC shows the occasional French supporter wearing one of those horrible chicken hats.

whocares, has the French squad been named yet?

Great lists, some real gems in there! Are you doing a general list? I reckon ITV cutting to an early ad break and missing a crucial last minute try has got to be worth a bet!

On pundits I think a lot of the more recently retired players make for better pundits. A lot of them are on Sky and BT, but I think they offer much better insight. Maybe its because I've heard Moore's scrum rant (valid though it may be) and Davies scream numbers (I'm sure there is an overlap), but I just feel their coverage is fresher.

Woodward is my least favourite though. Would be happy to never see him on TV again.

eirebilly wrote:whocares, has the French squad been named yet?

Yes just a training squad so far though.
There has been a few injuries following last weekend (the main one being Fofana), the latest group being:
ATONIO Uini (Atlantique Stade Rochelais)
BAILLE Cyril (Stade toulousain)
BASTAREAUD Mathieu (RC Toulon)
BOUGHANMI Mohamed (Stade Rochelais)
CAMARA Djibril (Stade Français Paris)
CHIOCCI Xavier (RC Toulon)
CHOULY Damien (ASM Clermont Auvergne)
DAVID Yann (Stade toulousain)
DOUSSAIN Jean-Marc (Stade toulousain)
FICKOU Gaël (Stade Toulousain)
GOUJON Loann (Union Bordeaux-Bègles)
GOURDON Kevin (Atlantique Stade Rochelais)
GUIRADO Guilhem (RC Toulon)
HUGET Yoann (Stade toulousain)
ITURRIA Arthur (ASM Clermont Auvergne)
LAMERAT Rémi (ASM Clermont Auvergne)
LE DEVEDEC Julien (CA Brive Corrèze)
LOPEZ Camille (ASM Clermont Auvergne)
MACHENAUD Maxime (Racing 92)
MAESTRI Yoann (Stade toulousain)
MAYNADIER Clément (Union Bordeaux-Bègles)
NAKAITACI Noa (ASM Clermont Auvergne)
PALIS Geoffrey (Castres Olympiques)
PICAMOLES Louis (Northampton Saints)
SANCONNIE Fabien (CA Brive Corrèze)
SERIN Baptiste (Union Bordeaux-Bègles)
SLIMANI Rabah (Stade Français Paris)
SPEDDING Scott (ASM Clermont Auvergne)
TOLOFUA Christopher (Stade toulousain)
VAHAAMAHINA Sébastien (ASM Clermont Auvergne)
VAKATAWA Virimi (FFR)