6 Nations 2017 Predictions

First topic message reminder :

Some certainties:

IRELAND

1. The team will be hyped beyond belief.
2. Joe Schmidt will be described several times by commentators as "the best home nations coach".
3. John Inverdale will turn purple trying not to publicly disagree with 2.
4. Brian O'Driscoll will rock up in a commentary booth sounding very casual and slightly bewildered.
5. Simon Zebo will retain his status as 'Most Overrated Northern Hemisphere Player'.
6. Paddy Jackson's status as most accurate kicker in the tournament (which it was last year) will be completely ignored.
7. CJ Stander will actually snap an opposing player like a twig.
8. Jonny Sexton will continually do the same face as a toddler who has just dropped his ice cream on the floor.
9. Rory Best and his 'soft voice/concerned face' combination will talk referees out of awarding at least 4 tries against Ireland.
10. Beating the All Blacks will be mentioned 3,458,798 times by match commentators.
11. George Hook will no longer even try to hide his racism and general beligerance towards anyone non-Irish.
12. Connor Murray will stand on one leg like Ralph Macchio at the end of Karate Kid for extended periods of time and point frantically at anyone trying to touch him.

WALES

1. The team will be hyped beyond belief.
2. Jonathan 'Jiffy' Davies will look even more like a ferret who has just woken from a short nap in a barrel of strong cider.
3. Sam Warbuton will play every game. Nobody will be able to understand why.
4. Robert Howley will look more and more slumped until at the end of the tournament, his spine will be an actual 'S' shape.
5. The press will constantly ask for a player under 25 to be chosen. None will be.
6. Gethin Jenkins will actually bring his iron lung onto the field of play.
7. The 'Welsh Way' will STILL be an expression flung around like confetti.
8. Eddie Butler will be unable to get through a game without saying 'But what of England?'. Even though they aren't playing.
9. Shane Williams will be refused entry to a ground for looking under age.
10. Warren Gatland will be seen drunk after a Welsh defeat having a laugh with Andy Irvine.

ENGLAND

1. The team will be hyped beyond belief.
2. Eddie Jones will spontaneously combust with smugness.
3. John Inverdale will spend 90% of the time talking about England in the pre-match analysis. Even if they are not playing.
4. BBC Sport will run a 4 hour special called 'Maro Itoje Night' with in-depth interviews from family, friends, agents and anyone who once shook his hand.
5. Dylan Hartley will have a swear box in the dressing room. By the end of the tournament, he will have donated GBP 598,000 to a local charity.
6. All commentators will continue to ignore how good Chris Robshaw actually is.
7. Mike Brown will officially start a fight in an empty room.
8. Dan Cole will do his 'bewildered' face a lot.
9. Clive Woodward will pop up on commentary teams sounding increasing like a mad homeless man who shouts into bins and talks about 2003 like it was the time of the Great Enlightenment.
10. More and more Scotland fans will come round to the fact that Brian Moore is a great bloke and a hilarious commentator.  

FRANCE

1. In France, the team will be hyped beyond belief.
2. Thomas Castaignede will sit politely as a studio guest for 2 hours without Inverdale thinking to ask him a question.
3. Morgan Parra will be called 'a little general' 48 times without the whiff of racism ever entering the heads of the commentary team.
4. Guy Noves will attend a press conference in a stripy jumper wearing a beret and smoking a Gauloises wrapped inside a Gitanes.
5. Serge Blanco will finally reach 35 stones and start to block out the sun.
6. Jonathan Davies will pronounce Damien Chouly five different ways. All of them will be wrong.
7. Eddie Butler will constantly luxuriate in pronouncing the name 'Sebastien Vahaamahina'.
8. Everyone will try and utterly fail not to ask 'which French side will turn up' 24 times each during a game.
9. Ditto 'Gallic flair'.
10. Everyone in the studio will be an instant expert on Louis Picamole as they've actually seen him play more than twice this season.
11. Inverdale will mention that Jonny Wilkinson now coaches in France. This will have no bearing on any game or anything, ever.
12. Austin Healey will keep his largest and most flamboyant scarf for touchline punditry in Paris.
13. Someone in the commentary team will try an appalling French phrase. Everyone will laugh out of embarrassment. Thomas Castaignede will smile politely.
14. Sky will wheel out a tanned, happy and borderline inebriated Richard Cockerill to talk about how awesome being in France is.

ITALY

1. Sky commentators will continue to nominate Sergio Parisse as man of the match. Even though he is sitting next to them in the commentary booth. 
2. Cameramen will spend an uncomfortable amount of time finding attractive female Italian fans in the audience. 
3. Segment producers will contrast this with a shot immediately afterwards of the ugliest, fattest, oldest, most feral, most sh!tfaced, most tattooed and most ridiculously costumed home nations fans that they can find. Inevitably, the cameramen will be spoiled for choice. 
4. John Inverdale will try an Italian phrase and horribly mispronounce it. Everyone will laugh out of embarrassment. Thomas Castaignede and Sergio Parisse will smile politely.
5. Michele Campagnaro will score at least two astonishing tries. They will be completely ignored in favour of a new studio segment about what Maro Itoje thinks about the international refugee crisis.
6. Castro will come onto the pitch, tw@t someone, gesticulate wildly, look as through someone has shat in his salad and then be red carded. All in the space of 4 minutes or fewer.
7. Andy Nicholl will point out at least 5 times that Tommaso Allan could have played for Scotland. And then say, 'of course, now that we have Finn Russell, we don't really need him'.
8. Classical Italian folk songs will make up about 80% of the puns that the snickering home counties studio team will come out with. The other 20% will relate to food.
9. Lawrence Dallaglio will be asked at least once during the England match about which part of Italy he's from and if he can knock together a decent maranara sauce.
10. Simone Favaro will have at least one MoM performance (as he did against the Springboks). Andy Nicholl will have a stroke trying to ram it into the studio conversation that he plays for Glasgow.

SCOTLAND

1. The team will not be hyped in the slightest.
2. Stuart Hogg will score at least 3 tries that nobody else in the NH could hope to score and make more meters than any other backline player.
3. In one match, he will then miss one tackle in the 79th minute against a newly substituted lock forward and be immediately badged by the fans of all other nations as wholly unsuitable to tour with the Lions.
4. John Inverdale will behave like a smug, condescending **** and be wholly unaware that he is doing it.
5. Andrew Cotter will continue to sound like he's holding his nose and whispering through a toilet roll tube.
6. Jonny Gray will score at least once, make more tackles than any other player and guarantee his own line-out ball
7. In one match, he will then miss one tackle in the 79th minute against a newly substituted winger who has been given a 30m head start and be immediately badged by the fans of all other nations as wholly unsuitable to tour with the Lions. Inverdale will comment afterwards that Gray shouldn't be disheartened as he is very nearly as good as the England understudies to Kruis and Itoje.
8. Scotland will dominate most teams for an hour, fail to score and then lose agonisingly in the last minute against Ireland, England and Wales.
9. Vern Cotter's eyes will actually turn Austin Healey to stone on live television.
10. Tommy Seymour will score at least 3 fabulous tries. They will be completely ignored in favour of an extended studio segment about Maro Itoje's recent statement that Grigori Perelman solved the Poincare conjecture because he told him the answer over a couple of pints of wheatgrass juice. The BBC commentary team will report that this is true and demand that Perelmen be arrested.
11. We will all miss Bill McLaren very badly.
12. Greig Laidlaw will say "BT" before the word "Murrayfield" 38 separate times in interviews. On the one occasion he forgets, he will take a full page ad in the Telegraph apologising for his mistake.

11. Inverdale will mention that Jonny Wilkinson now coaches in France. This will have no bearing on any game or anything, ever.

Funniest one yet!

miaow wrote:

GunsGermsV2 wrote:

miaow wrote:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aSIJ1hNSBlA

Although Jiffy's still by far the best former player commentating on the game, his knowledge and ability to "see" things that others simply don't comment on puts him above any of his NH peers. That he annoys everyone outside Wales is a bonus.

Philip Matthews is better. Shame he doesn't commentate more often.

Also he is the only rugby player to appear on both Republic of Turkmenistan and Tadjikistan postage stamps.

Haha, na. A team could score that BaBas v. All Blacks try and it would elicit "that's terrible defence by Ireland". I have no issue with partisan commentary (Brian Moore and Jiffy are great, as is Justin Marshall, although he is a more balanced foil to the more biased Kiwi commentators when commentating on NZ broadcasts), but he really doesn't offer too much other than a good knowlegde of Irish rugby. Which is fine. But nowhere near Jiffy as a reader and 'explainer' of the game.

In terms of slickness and presentation, then yes, Jiffy goes right down the bottom. But then I don't care about that, and the BBC's continued employment of Inverdale suggests they don't either.

I always experience what the Danish call Hygge when Matthews commentates. A warm cosiness, happiness inside me (dont say that in your head in a French accent). There is a narrator of wildlife programmes on Japan on the BBC called Michelle Dockery that gives me a similar sensation. Her voice is like lyrical valium for the soul. Beautiful programme if you haven't seen it.

Commentators who were former players that are better (at commentating) than Jiffy

Scott Hastings
Chris Paterson
Brian Moore
Phillip Matthews
Bob from Ayr RFC's 3XV

I find Moore and interesting case. When he first started commentating his bias was laughable and his hatred of Scotland obvious ( following defeat that cost england the grand slam IIRC). However as time moved on he became one of the best. the only "expert" who is able to say "I got that wrong" I now enjoy his commentary. Jiffy annoys me and Andy Nichol makes me want to break the telly.

The best of course remains Hugh Dan the man - so good on alba he is now sometimes used on BBC scotland to commentate in English.

TJ wrote:I find Moore and interesting case.  When he first started commentating his bias was laughable and his hatred of Scotland obvious ( following defeat that cost england the grand slam IIRC).  However as time moved on he became one of the best.  the only "expert" who is able to say "I got that wrong"  I now enjoy his commentary.  Jiffy annoys me and Andy Nichol makes me want to break the telly.

The best of course remains Hugh Dan the man - so good on alba he is now sometimes used on BBC scotland to commentate in English.  

I have the same impression of Moore. He used to be insanely biased and excitable but very easy going now. Great commentator.

I think Andrew Cotter is very good.

john inverdale will slouch

Tattie Scones RRN wrote:I think Andrew Cotter is very good.

Cotter is by far the best commentator but he's not an ex player.

He's the closest we can get to the Great Bill McLaren (God love him)

Anybody else remember that day Cotter fell ill and Jiffy had to stand in as commentator (with wee Shane in the Jiffy role)?

That was a difficult listen. Almost as bad as Big Phil Vickery in the 2011 World Cup.

Who is the Irish commentator who shouts 'Tommeeee Boowwwwe!!!'? He annoys me.

Thats Ryle Nugent. He is the worst commentator in the world. He only got the job because he appointed himself. He is head of sport at RTE.

GunsGermsV2 wrote:Thats Ryle Nugent. He is the worst commentator in the world. He only got the job because he appointed himself. He is head of sport at RTE.

Cheers, Guns.

When I win the lottery I'm going to buy shares in the Beeb and force them to let me commentate. You'll love it. I'll also control the replays so Irish tries are replaced with a montage of Chris Ashton splashdowns. Give the fans what they want.

beshocked wrote:

I can imagine that the commentators will get excited about Bastareaud if he starts or comes off the bench for France.

If I was French it would be tempting to get him to run at George Ford....

I'll be happy if they do. George Ford's defence has been excellent under Eddie Jones. If France's game plan is simply to truck it up the middle then we have nothing to fear.

beshocked wrote:
Johnny Gray not missing a tackle will be mentioned many times.

If that is said it won't be true.

Id expect Buttler to get so carried away with his Frenach pronounciations that he also says O'Connors name in the style of Officer Crabtree at some point.

He will also voice over a long winded pointless montage of stuff with great gravitas whilst saying absolutely nothing of meaning at all. Hes been practising this skill on the NFL coverage.



Someone will use the phrase "by the book" when discussing the first Welsh red card for a high tackle

Cyril wrote:

GunsGermsV2 wrote:Thats Ryle Nugent. He is the worst commentator in the world. He only got the job because he appointed himself. He is head of sport at RTE.

Cheers, Guns.

When I win the lottery I'm going to buy shares in the Beeb and force them to let me commentate. You'll love it. I'll also control the replays so Irish tries are replaced with a montage of Chris Ashton splashdowns. Give the fans what they want.

Haha. Go for it. Thankfully Ashton has never splashed down against Ireland.

If I owned the BBC I'd hire Ryle Nugent and Brian O'Driscoll as head commentators. The punditry team would be Sean O'Brien, Cian Healy and Neil Francis. Clare McNamara would obviously do the interviews and George Hook would be head of ethics at the station.

tigertattie wrote:Commentators who were former players that are better (at commentating) than Jiffy

Scott Hastings
Chris Paterson
Brian Moore
Phillip Matthews
Bob from Ayr RFC's 3XV

Chris Paterson's very good.

GunsGermsV2 wrote:

If I owned the BBC I'd hire Ryle Nugent and Brian O'Driscoll as head commentators. The punditry team would be Sean O'Brien, Cian Healy and Neil Francis. Clare McNamara would obviously do the interviews and George Hook would be head of ethics at the station.

The Begorrah Band of C**ts.

sadly one we wont hear is will Billy Vunipola last 80 minutes, conveniently forgetting hes played every minute of England's campaigns in the last 2 6N

GunsGermsV2 wrote:

miaow wrote:

GunsGermsV2 wrote:

miaow wrote:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aSIJ1hNSBlA

Although Jiffy's still by far the best former player commentating on the game, his knowledge and ability to "see" things that others simply don't comment on puts him above any of his NH peers. That he annoys everyone outside Wales is a bonus.

Philip Matthews is better. Shame he doesn't commentate more often.

Also he is the only rugby player to appear on both Republic of Turkmenistan and Tadjikistan postage stamps.

Haha, na. A team could score that BaBas v. All Blacks try and it would elicit "that's terrible defence by Ireland". I have no issue with partisan commentary (Brian Moore and Jiffy are great, as is Justin Marshall, although he is a more balanced foil to the more biased Kiwi commentators when commentating on NZ broadcasts), but he really doesn't offer too much other than a good knowlegde of Irish rugby. Which is fine. But nowhere near Jiffy as a reader and 'explainer' of the game.

In terms of slickness and presentation, then yes, Jiffy goes right down the bottom. But then I don't care about that, and the BBC's continued employment of Inverdale suggests they don't either.

I always experience what the Danish call Hygge when Matthews commentates. A warm cosiness, happiness inside me (dont say that in your head in a French accent). There is a narrator of wildlife programmes on Japan on the BBC called Michelle Dockery that gives me a similar sensation. Her voice is like lyrical valium for the soul. Beautiful programme if you haven't seen it.

That I can agree with. He has a lovely, lovely voice.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bewRkfxIx4

"Poor missed tackle". Cut him some slack, Phillip.

OP completed.

SecretFly wrote:

GunsGermsV2 wrote:

If I owned the BBC I'd hire Ryle Nugent and Brian O'Driscoll as head commentators. The punditry team would be Sean O'Brien, Cian Healy and Neil Francis. Clare McNamara would obviously do the interviews and George Hook would be head of ethics at the station.

The Begorrah Band of C**ts.

George Carlin You should put money on Hogg scoring 3 tries in a 6 nations, if he does it will be the first time he ever has....

Only needs to score 2 tries to be named 6 nations player of the year.... 3 would probably get him named world player of the year!

Your posts were funny till you got to Scotland. It seems as if you don't think anyone rates Scotland or their players.

Hogg and J.Gray are good players just a bit overhyped because they are the best 15 and 2nd row Scotland have had for some time.

You say Scotland won't be hyped, I disagree. I think commentators would be foolish to ignore the form of Glasgow and Scotland's overall change in approach - you've become a more exciting team under Cotter.

Cotter has turned Scotland into a better side. Scotland IMO have the potential to do well. Just have to believe and turn those tight losses into wins.

The way Scotland will earn more respect is simple - more victories, follow the example of Glasgow.

One thing I forgot to predict is that in the week before the Six Nations JimTelfer would make an arse of himself with some rant or other aimed at the English team and its supporters. He didn't fail to live down to his previous record.

I am an English but I live in Scotland and love Scotland and Scots and as such I find him a total embarrassment. What must it be like for Scots?

Exiledinborders wrote:One thing I forgot to predict is that in the week before the Six Nations JimTelfer would make an arse of himself with some rant or other aimed at the English team and its supporters. He didn't fail to live down to his previous record.

I am an English but I live in Scotland and love Scotland and Scots and as such I find him a total embarrassment. What must it be like for Scots?

‘I don’t like Twickenham; a concrete jungle, nothing attractive about it at all’

I kind of agree with him on that. It is a bit of a dump of a stadium.

Exiledinborders wrote:One thing I forgot to predict is that in the week before the Six Nations JimTelfer would make an arse of himself with some rant or other aimed at the English team and its supporters. He didn't fail to live down to his previous record.

I am an English but I live in Scotland and love Scotland and Scots and as such I find him a total embarrassment. What must it be like for Scots?

Isn't Telfer just doing the bit of 'colour' to promote what's coming? After all, the Great 6N is a slinging match by name and nature, thus why all involved seem to think it the bestest thing that ever happened Planet Earth since the end of the dinosaurs.

George Carlin wrote:OP completed.

Have to say I'd trust Itoje to talk more sensibly about those issues than the average politician

That bit about Scotland not being hyped...

Hmmm... They're hyped every year about being 'dark horses' and 'one to watch' in every news outlet going.

That Gray bloke is probably hyped more than Itoje on here.

Not a fan of Inverdale but Nicol makes him look impartial.

As you were

Cyril wrote:That bit about Scotland not being hyped...

Hmmm... They're hyped every year about being 'dark horses' and 'one to watch' in every news outlet going.

That Gray bloke is probably hyped more than Itoje on here.

Not a fan of Inverdale but Nicol makes him look impartial.

As you were

Point 1 - that is a view that is few years old now - we are very much of a mindset - lets hope we can get wins and a real achievement will be 3

We never mention dark horses (since about 2013)

Point 2 - I think we defend Gray a bit much, as some of the complete double standards of players means that anything Scottish players do - has a huge * that is designed to define them as average

I am not sure there is a next level of hype beyond Itoje - he has already been classed as potentially the best player to ever live (in second row AND 6) - and the amount of man juice spread on the airways about him really takes some giant soggy biscuit to mop up - (he is a very good player though :-) )

ITALY

1. Sky commentators will continue to nominate Sergio Parisse as man of the match. Even though he is sitting next to them in the commentary booth.
2. Cameramen will spend an uncomfortable amount of time finding attractive female Italian fans in the audience.
3. Segment producers will contrast this with a shot immediately afterwards of the ugliest, fattest, oldest, most feral, most sh!tfaced, most tattooed and most ridiculously costumed home nations fans that they can find. Inevitably, the cameramen will be spoiled for choice.
4. John Inverdale will try an Italian phrase and horribly mispronounce it. Everyone will laugh out of embarrassment. Thomas Castaignede and Sergio Parisse will smile politely.
5. Michele Campagnaro will score at least two astonishing tries. They will be completely ignored in favour of a new studio segment about what Maro Itoje thinks about the international refugee crisis.
6. Castro will come onto the pitch, tw@t someone, gesticulate wildly, look as through someone has shat in his salad and then be red carded. All in the space of 4 minutes or fewer.
7. Andy Nicholl will point out at least 5 times that Tommaso Allan could have played for Scotland. And then say, 'of course, now that we have Finn Russell, we don't really need him'.
8. Classical Italian folk songs will make up about 80% of the puns that the snickering home counties studio team will come out with. The other 20% will relate to food.
9. Lawrence Dallaglio will be asked at least once during the England match about which part of Italy he's from and if he can knock together a decent maranara sauce.
10. Simone Favaro will have at least one MoM performance (as he did against the Springboks). Andy Nicholl will have a stroke trying to ram it into the studio conversation that he plays for Glasgow.


Absolutely nothing uncomfortable about that at all.

Most people wear superman pants. Superman however wears Chuck Norris pants. Chuck Norris wears Maro Itoje pants!

Maro Itoje once challenged Chuck Norris to a roundhouse kicking contest. Chuck Norris remains in hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity twice. Maro Itoje did it before he started shaving.

*marinara

Cyril wrote:*marinara

Hey Cyril. Who do you think will win the six nations?

GunsGermsV2 wrote:

Cyril wrote:*marinara

Hey Cyril. Who do you think will win the six nations?

England. In this order I reckon.

England
Wales
France
Ireland
Italy
Scotland

Cyril wrote:

GunsGermsV2 wrote:

Cyril wrote:*marinara

Hey Cyril. Who do you think will win the six nations?

England. In this order I reckon.

England
Wales
France
Ireland
Italy
Scotland

Wow- that is some bold list - in so many ways

I reckon England will lose two games.

You knew it last week.

No 7&1/2 wrote:You knew it last week.

The only things that anyone knows for certain are death, taxes and that you are a pest.

Ah. That'll just be the ego.

No 7&1/2 wrote:Ah. That'll just be the ego.

Its not your fault that you are English.

True dat.

George Carlin wrote:

SCOTLAND

13. Finn Russell will get injured in the first minute of the first match, ruling him out for the tournament. Duncan Weir will step up to the plate (pun intended) but be found wanting (more food).

Luckless Pedestrian wrote:

Chris Paterson's very good.

Only when he has Dan Parks to field the difficult questions for him

Luckless Pedestrian wrote:Chris Paterson's very good.

He only answers very short questions though...

Ha, I see Gooseberry has already made a similar joke.

I was getting my coat anyway...

Exiledinborders wrote:One thing I forgot to predict is that in the week before the Six Nations JimTelfer would make an arse of himself with some rant or other aimed at the English team and its supporters. He didn't fail to live down to his previous record.

I am an English but I live in Scotland and love Scotland and Scots and as such I find him a total embarrassment. What must it be like for Scots?

I kind of agreed with him on the disdain that ENG show towards other teams. I think it's true but I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. Obviously it can go too far and there's a breed of fan that is less than pleasant. That being said I'd rather we focused on ourselves than become obsessed with the opposition.

If teams want to be respected more than they need to win more.

Scotland haven't got a good record in the 6 nations. If the Scots win then they'll get the credit they deserve.

Scotland are a side that on so many times, show promise but haven't delivered. Maybe this year will be different. If they beat Ireland first up then they'll get kudos for it.

There are certainly signs that it could happen but doing it is another thing.

Underestimate a side too much and you could come unstuck though.

No 7&1/2 wrote:True dat.

Wow...

What's up munk?

beshocked wrote:If teams want to be respected more than they need to win more.

Scotland haven't got a good record in the 6 nations. If the Scots win then they'll get the credit they deserve.

Scotland are a side that on so many times, show promise but haven't delivered. Maybe this year will be different. If they beat Ireland first up then they'll get kudos for it.

There are certainly signs that it could happen but doing it is another thing.

Underestimate a side too much and you could come unstuck though.

In 2005 Wales won a grand slam. They had been dog waste for a good few years before that. No one thought they would do that if I remember correctly. Strange things can happen.

No 7&1/2 wrote:What's up munk?

Just shocked by your casual cultural appropriation.

You'll have to explain how that is cultural appropriation and why you feel that's a bad thing I'm afraid. Guessing this is more to do with your upset at getting challenged.

No 7&1/2 wrote:You'll have to explain how that is cultural appropriation and why you feel that's a bad thing I'm afraid. Guessing this is more to do with your upset at getting challenged.

Just pointing out your BS fake outrage fam