The tale of Calcutta Bob and Suntan Jim

Funny story I read recently. I’ll bet a certain gentleman in Vermont knows the author…

It’s time for the annual member-guest at our club and it will be good to see Calcutta Bob and Suntan Jim again – if they are still alive that is. They made a big impression on a lot of us last year. We found it hard to believe that Calcutta Bob turned up and shot 69 followed by a 71 gross, despite his 18 handicap. We were equally perplexed when Suntan Jim shot a gross handicap of 68 and 69 off a handicap of 16. They won the overall competition by 18 strokes.

It was a remarkable performance by two high-handicappers, although some of the cynics around the club had the temerity to suggest that Calcutta Bob and Suntan Jim did not love the game of golf quite as much as they loved silver trophies and the $25,000 dollars in first-place Calcutta money.
Calcutta Bob was an out of state club member and Suntan Jim was his guest. But their handicaps were evidently honest, because they were certified by the head pro at Crime Spree Country Club in their hometown of Bird’s Nest, Carolina.

They both remarked that it was the luckiest 2 days of golf in their entire lives. Calcutta Bob and Suntan Jim got a fair amount of sympathy when they arrived at the club, having entered the carpark with the tyre on their pick-up truck down to the rim. Calcutta Bob was sporting a neck brace and Suntan Jim had his arm in a sling.

It was very easy for Calcutta Bob and Suntan Jim to buy their way into the Calcutta pool for a mere $50. I wasn’t going to bid on them. I was far too busy paying $400 for half of the team of the two doctors and $500 for half of the team of two dentists and $250 for half of the team of two bankers. Besides I had witnessed Calcutta Bob and Suntan Jim in a practice round. Calcutta Bob developed a severe hook off the tee and a severe shank with his irons, whilst Suntan Jim sliced everything off the tee and topped all his fairway shots. They carded 105 and 113 respectively in the practice round.

My carpet-salesman partner and I were paired with them in the first round. Calcutta Bob was as surprised as me when he nailed his first drive 280 yards down the fairway. Then Suntan Jim was equally bemused when he battered his drive 275 yards straight down the middle. They both kept apologising all the way around the course. Calcutta Bob apologised with tears in his eyes as he hit a 2-iron 240 yards off the fairway to land within 3 feet of the hole. Suntan Jim was equally apologetic after he reached the signature 600 yard par-5 hole with a driver and a 3-iron – it was a touch downwind of course. ‘I’ll probably 3-putt that 20-footer’ he demurely said after casually slotting the triple breaking downhiller for a net 2.

It was truly unfortunate that my partner and I were in the tough tenth flight. Not only did we have Calcutta Bob and Suntan Jim to contend with, but also the pairs of doctors, dentists, lawyers and bankers. It was they who complained loudest and longest about Calcutta Bob and Suntan Jim. The doctors shot nett 30 under for two days, the dentists shot net 24 under for two days, the lawyers were net 21 under for two days and the bankers were 19 under for two days. Despite playing and practicing every day, none of them could come close to Calcutta Bob and Suntan Jim who were 48 under for 36 holes. My partner and I played our guts out and even got a few lucky breaks. We shot even par off our 11 and 9 handicaps.

And I was reminded once again that the thing I like best about member-guest tournaments is shooting your handicap and still finishing last. It’s all part of the charm….

Dead Solid Perfect!

NST - Been there. Done that. Read the book and still came last!

Nice one NST.

I suppose they have to return to defend their championship, perhaps if they win it three times on the trot it could be renamed the 'Calcuttta Cup' although the 'Suntan Salver' has a bit of a ring or is it ringer to it.

My question is; did old Calcutta and Suntan get cut after the first round? If so, it was an even more impressive achievemnt!

Remember, It's not the winning that counts - It's the taking part and being swindled that matters