PW Torch article "Ghost written" by Ric Flair.

Saw this on the app on my phone and it gave me a few genuine lols, so I thought I would share it with you all.

Taken from PWTorch Iphone App:

Woooo! Ric Flair here, ready to lay some gravy on this baby! It's "The Flair Of It All", written by the one and only, Ric Flair!

Recently I've decided to expand my business venture tenfold: everything Ric Flair must go! Underoos with my signature on them? It can be yours baby, just send the cheque and these lovely babies can be on your wall. Want some hair from the Flair? It's yours! I also leave phone messages to people I've never met. I just call the number, woo a lot, and brother, I'm 5000 dollars richer.

So, this kid calls me up and tells me that he'll pay me to write his Absurdity article. I chuckle at him and say, "Whatever number you've got in your head, make it higher, son." As soon as the cheque cleared, Ric Flair, a god in wrestling, began typing this puppy out.

Which is like taking me an hour. Man, I hate computers. First time I "Tweeted" I ended up doing something else entirely and spent the night in some backwater pokey. And Dimebags cost a dime. Wooo!

So, WWE's doing this thing where Vince McMahon is out of the WWE, baby. He's no longer running the show. Who's the man now? It's my boy, Triple H. Did you catch Vince working the audience by crying? Man stle that from me. All these young guys love my style, and can't help themselves from stealing it from the James Brown of professional wrestling. If Mcmahon cried so hard that he started bleeding profusely, I would have sued for gimmick infringment!

Trips called me up, wanting to run something by me. Hunter has always had a great eye for talent, but the problem with him is that his brain doesn't recognize what his mouth is saying. Get this: He was telling me that his ponytail should talk. He would put the mic up on the ponytail and a high-pitched voice lays down the main event. I said, "Mint, baby. Pure mint."

I was just watching the wall of television s at Best Buy in just my boxers (When it's hot out like this, wooo baby, Flairs gotta cool off!) and the "Hail to the V" commercial came on (Not quite up to the level of "Space Mountain", if you catch my drift!). One thing led to another and I ended up spending the night in the pokey.

And then there's that mouthy kid, C.M. Punk.

ATTENTION TWITTER: CM Punk showed up in an absurdity article by Ric Flair #punkabsurdity

Humpf. You ask me, thats all that good kid does these days: just shows up randomly at places and people go nuts tweeting about it. Back in my time, you had to piledrive the mayor on his front lawn to fill seats for an NWA event. That kid would be nuts to not be in the Summerslam main event. He's about as hot as my prostate.

Hey, why does the WWE keep threatening to fire Cena? Seems they're always threatening to fire that Captain America, but Mark Henry, who eats people in plain sight, gets away scot free. maybe I'll introduce Mark to my third wife.

Trips had this to say to me: "During Mark Henry matches, they take away the steel chairs around ringside so he can't injure anyone, right? They put in plastic patio chairs. And then he begins to use plastic patio chairs..as his weapon! Bingo. Then we turn him face."

I say, "Gold, baby. Love it"

Whatta match that Zack Ryder kid had with the Warrior plush doll and the Michael Cole on RAW. Ric Flair can still go for an hour though, Wooo!

I caught Smackdown while doing an gig at Chucky Cheese. Pretty good show. Smackdown, I mean, not the one I did for Chester's birthday party, although I did juice.

Randy's got his hands full with a serious force: the announcing table. That sucker just won't go down. Randy nearly broke his leg on that thing. I once sold out the Mid-South Coliseum with fighting a bar stool in '79. I even had a sofa submission match for the ages in the old Sam Houston Coliseum joint. Google me, son, and witness the legend.

Jesse wants his laptop back, so its time to wrap it up. Sting! Sting! Your ass is crazy, but I'm crazier! WOOO! WOOO! WOOOO!

*Submits article and struts*

Hahaha.
Anyone actually imagining this in his voice?

Back in my time, you had to piledrive the mayor on his front lawn to fill seats for an NWA event. That kid would be nuts to not be in the Summerslam main event. He's about as hot as my prostate.

That line made me spit my tea back into the cup, thats some funny poopie right there

man if i was a millionaire id pay flair just to hang around at my house and blade all day long

A couple of years back there used to be a tv show called Harry Enfield and Chums. One of the characters was called Mr Dead - basically a dead guy who lived in a coffin that talked (even though his lips never moved - he was dead of course).

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnyway, that is how I would like to package Ric Flair. Just put him in a box and bring him out for special occasions. Or he could just stand in my hallway and terrify anyone who comes in. Even when he dies I can freeze his body and set up a sound system behind him that "woooooooooo's" whenever anyone walks past.

Flair - Hate him as a wrestler, but damn he would be funny to have around.