ROG World Cup Diary - hilarious

> RONAN O'GARA'S WORLD CUP DIARY
>
>
> Sunday 28th August - Carton House
>
> Sneak in an hour watching the Rose of Tralee in my hotel room. The lads
> slag me about it but it's very important to my sense of Irishness to
> watch the Rose each summer. I'm very traditional like that. I hope one
> day that my own daughter will be lucky enough to take part in this
> marvellous event.
>
>
> Monday 29th August - Carton House
>
> Not many people know that I have a tattoo of Roy Keane's face on my
> ar$e. It gives me great confidence and self-belief when I turn my naked
> back to the mirror before a match and peer over my shoulder to see my
> fellow Corkman gazing back at me from between my slender, rosy, hairless
> ar$e cheeks.
>
> I even have a little speech bubble emerging from Roy's face to say:
> "Take that you c * nt!" which, like Muslims and their Mecca, I always try
> to keep pointed in the general direction of Jonny S€xton.
>
>
> Tuesday 30th August - Carton House
>
> People often ask me: "Rog, where do you get your incredible
> self-belief?" and I never have to say a word in response. I just turn my
> back and drop my pants and show them Roy.
>
>
> Wednesday 31st August - Flight to New Zealand
>
> F€cking disgusted to find that I've only been given a half-foot of
> leg-room on the plane to New Zealand. I weigh up my options and consider
> taking it on the chin but then I look down at my "What Would Roy Do?"
> wrist bracelet and decide to kick up the most almighty ruckus and get
> the IRFU President down from the front of the plane to apologise to the
> squad in person. Deccie tries to calm things down and
> says: "But sure, Ronan, yer only 5'10" but I wasn't having any of it.
>
> "It's the f€cking principle, Deccie! We're professionals! No more of
> this humble Paddy cr@p!"
>
> I eventually swap with Donncha Ryan. It was important to make a point on
> behalf of the squad. I think the lads appreciated it.
>
>
> Friday 2nd September - Queenstown
>
> Spot young Conor at breakfast and pass on the latest stricture from
> Deccie. "Howya, boy? Deccie says you need to aim at S€xton's ankles when
> yer passin' to him, ok? None of this namby pamby sh!t to his chest,
> alright? And that's straight from the Boss, so don't be disobeying now".
>
> The lad looked a bit confused but it's important for senior players like
> myself to keep the youngsters on the straight and narrow.
>
>
> Saturday 3rd September - Queenstown
>
> Result! Rala's hooked me up with the Racing Channel in my hotel room.
> It's great to see the IRFU pushing the boat out for the players. It's so
> important to be professional in this day and age.
>
>
> Sunday 4th September - In a dark, dark place
>
> Lost 20k on the 3.40 from Uttoxeter. Do these f€cking horse trainers
> know what it does to a fellah when he loses that kind of money just
> before a World Cup? J@ysus you've got to wonder about the
> professionalism of some people.
>
>
> Monday 5th September - Queenstown
>
> Make myself feel better by repeatedly ringing S€xton's room in the
> middle of the night and pretend to be David Poc0ck. "I'm coming for you
> mate!" I whisper into the phone in my best Aussie-African accent.
> S€xton just says "F€ck off, Rog" and puts the phone down but I could
> tell he was shook up by it. No mental strength that fellah.
>
>
> Tuesday 6th September - Queenstown
>
> Rise at 4am to climb the bungee jump pylon before dawn and hack away at
> the rope so that it can no longer support the weight of a grown man. Get
> the shock of my life later that day when I bump into S€xton in the hotel
> foyer.
>
> "I, I - I thought you were going bungee jumping, Jonny?" I splutter.
>
> "Ah no, Rog, I went rafting instead. Sure, Rog, are you ok? You look
> awful white".
>
> "Eh, eh, eh, sure, I'm grand, Jonny".
>
> Return to my room, my mind in bits. Sure, Roy would never have fu *
ked up
> like that.
>
>
> Wednesday 7th September - New Plymouth
>
> The thing people need to understand about me is that I'll never for
> settle for second best. I look at some of these soft Dublin boys and I
> ask myself: "Do they want it as much as I want it? Do they want it as
> much as Roy Keane would want it"?
>
> I think the answer is obvious but if you're not from Cork, you probably
> won't understand.
>
>
> Sunday 11th September - New Plymouth
>
> Sit smirking in the rain as I watch S€xton make a complete hames of it
> against the f€cking USA of all teams. J@ysus, I knew Conor looked up to
> me but he's done me a f€cking big turn there so he has! Try not to laugh
> at S€xton in the dressing room afterwards. I can't help but notice that
> he looks totally crushed. I sit there quietly, a smile playing at my
> lips, and then slowly - oh so slowly! - I turn my ar$e towards him and
> unleash Roy upon his ugly block-head.
>
> Yeah baby! Take that you c * nt!
>
> (To be continued...)
>
>
>
> Day 18
>
> People often come up to me and say: "Hey Rog, what the hell happened in
> Pretoria? Why did you give away the penalty in the last second?" I sit
> them down and I explain very patiently that in any given rugby team -
> even at the very highest level - there will often be a number of players
> who lack mental strength. In fact, often there will be 13 or 14 lacking
> the requisite mental toughness and only 1 fellah who is as mentally
> courageous as a lion and prepared to back himself to earn victory for
> his team by launching an up-and-under in the last minute and then
> charging head-first at the nearest South African like a demented
> wildebeest.
> I encourage you to look at the tape and draw your own conclusions.
>
> Day 19
>
> I drag Fla off of Paddy Wallace. Again. It's the third time this week
> I've had to save the poor lad from a spot of unwelcome attention from
> Fla!
> "But he's a f€ckin Nordie, Rog! He's a f€ckin' Pr0d!"
> "I know, Fla, I know, but Uncle Deccie wouldn't be happy. Here, borrow
> my rebel songs CD and go and enjoy yerself".
> I find him in the team room later with the tape on at full blast and
> tears streaming down his face.
>
>
> Day 20
>
> People sometimes ask me if I'm jealous of Dan Carter's running ability.
> And I always say: "When was the last time Carter spiral punted a ball
> fifty yards into touch off the outside of his right boot during a
> howling gale and then winked at Chris Ashton?"
> I'll say no more.
>
> Day 21
>
> Sidle into the team room and find Heaslip posing in front of the mirror
> with his head-phones on. He hasn't spotted me, so I watch him for a few
> minutes as he mimics getting off a team bus and strolling into the
> stadium as if the cameras are on him.
> "What are you doin' Jamie?" I eventually ask.
> He jumps like a frightened cat and says: "Eh, didn't see you there Rog.
> Nuthin' buddy, just chillin', you know. I'm, like, such a relaxed guy,
> yeah?"
> "Ah Jamie. Yer practisin' lookin cool, calm and collected for the TV
> cameras aren't ya? Don't worry, I won't tell anyone".
> "Eh, thanks Rog!"
> "On one condition, that is"
> "Oh?"
> "You make sure Deccie knows you'd rather play with me than S€xton"
> Jamie reluctantly agrees.
> Selfish? Not at all. I'm the best fly-half in Ireland, so it's all for
> the good of the team. Would Roy Keane be selfish if made sure he was in
> the team ahead of Eric Djemba Djemba? I don't f€cking think so. And
> believe me, Jonny S€xton makes Eric Djemba Djemba look like George
> bl00dy Best.
>
>
> Day 22
>
> People often ask me: "Rog, do you have to be from Cork to have amazing
> mental strength?"
> And I always say: "No, but it definitely helps".
>
>
>
>
> Day 23
>
> Find Donners in the tanning salon and ask him where Deccie is.
> "Eh, I'm not too sure, Rog. I think maybe he's scouring the streets of
> Auckland for a copy of the Lion King".
> "The Lion King?"
> "Eh, yeah. Like, for motivation, y'know? You know how it gets me and
> Paulie up for the match. Sure, there's only the Wind That Shakes The
> Barley that gets us anything like as pumped for a game. It's Braveheart
> for Paddies, that's what Deccie says about the Lion King".
>
> You see what I have to cope with readers? Is it any wonder that Jonny
> f€cking S€xton is ahead of me in the pecking order when the coach is off
> his f€cking rocker? Do you think Roy Keane got himself up for
> marmelising Alf Inge Haaland by watching the f€cking Lion King?
> I don't think so.
> J@ysus Christ Almighty, it's enough to turn a man to drink. Or the
> horses. Ahhh, J@ysus, those beautiful horses!
>
> Day 24
>
> People often ask me about the Duncan McRae incident. They say something
> like: "Oh, Rog, weren't you mortified to have the sh!t kicked out of you
> in front of millions of people?"
> And I'm always like: "Well, why don't you ring Duncan McRae and ask him
> how many Heineken Cup Winners Medals he has?"
> That usually shuts them up.
>
>
> Day 25
>
> Dropped 30k on the 2.50 from Ayr. F€cking fuming. Ring Aidan O'Brien
> from my hotel room and demand to know what he's playing at sending out a
> horse to perform so sh!te.
> "You're supposed to be a f€cking professional!" I scream down the phone.
> "Who's this?"
> "It's Ronan O'f€cking Gara!"
> "The rugby player?"
> "The twice Heineken Cup winning rugby player and Grand Slammer, that's
> right, you f€cking incompetent €€jit!"
> "Eh, Ronan, I think you should call me again when you've calmed down".
> He puts the phone down on me and I sit there in the blackness of the New
> Zealand night staring into space.
>
>
> Day 26
>
> I awaken to the sounds of a pneumatic drill penetrating concrete.
> Someone has cemented breeze blocks to S€xton's door in order to
> barricade him into his hotel room. He was screaming for hours before
> anybody heard him and emerges in such a state that Deccie immediately
> orders his sedation. I watch from the end of the corridor and swivel my
> arse towards the ugly f€cker as he's carried past me on a stretcher.
> Take that you c * nt!
> I find Conor an hour later and, much to his delight, return his Xbox
> controller to him. It really is amazing what depths these kids will
> stoop to nowadays for an hour on the games console!
> I give the lad an O'Gara wink and head off for a snooze, as happy and
> content as a pig in sh!t.
>
> (To be continued...)

Genius, pure, unadulterated genius!

it wasnt me i got it in an email and thought i would share. Its great though, Thing about ROG is i'd say he would have a great laugh to this aswell

excellent.

Brilliant stuff d24 - you'll give Ross O'Carroll Kelly a run for his money

Funniest post not just here but on the old 606 as well, even though it's a hoax i will never watch ROG playing in the same way again!

haha,

laughing lot out at work right now, defo getting weird looks. Thing is they won't get it if I send it to them...

There'll never be another day as funny as 5th September again - totally wee-ed ma keks!

Any diary updates?? I want more!

no new ones but i have the brands diary


And then there were 30. Seriously, I'd better get down to Boots I'm nearly out of hair sculpting moose.

Anyway, got a call from the big man himself. He was practically in tears, begging me to come on tour with him. You know what? I was flattered. Well, I'm always flattered, usually by everyone. But I had to say no. I mean, he's not ever the president of Stade anymore. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, though, so I went into DOMINATION™ mode, which Max totally loves, and said, "Not this summer, honey. I've got other fish to fry..." [Note to self, check if a Kiwi is actually a fish, otherwise, cut the line.]

So, anyway, I was talking to my agent and he was going on about the need to spread the BRAND™, which got me worried since Max used to call it that, but he explained that I was going over to Japan to DOMINATE™ the Chinese next season. I can't pretend I'm not looking forward to it, Donncha is always telling my that I love Jap's eyes but I'm not sure what he's talking about so this'll be the perfect time to find out.

And then I got another call. I know what you're thinking: does my iphone ever stop ringing? And the answer is no. If it does, I ring myself on the landline. Anyway this time it was Martin Johnson. We chatted the **** for a while and basically talked about the HASK™ and other important stuff. Then he asks me, "Jamie, how do you fancy yourself in black?" And I had a think about it, then pull out some of my tester shots we did for the last HASK™ calender. There I was, in all my glory, in a black silk dressing gown, open just enough for the curve of my leg to be visible. I had to swallow down the urge to DOMINATE™ myself, and said, "Yeah, I look pretty good in black." Johnno hung up. The next morning, the story was all over the papers. England have a new second strip, and its all black.

So, the flight over to New Zealand was pretty exciting. We all played pranks on each other. For instance, when I went to the toilet, Delon Armitage hid my book. It was ****ing funny. You should have seen his face when he got back to his seat to find that I hadn't used the toilet at all and instead **** on his seat. You should have seen the size of it. I had to put the seat belt on it just to stop it destabilizing the plane if there was turbulence. It was all a bit of school boy tom foolery, in the best spirit of team bonding.

So, Johnno stands up during the flight and tells us all to be quiet, that he wants to talk. Once Delon stopped sobbing, he begins, telling us about what this World Cup is all about. He's won one with Johnny before, so we all have to listen to him. He reminds us that the rioting in Tottenham was all our fault for losing to the Welsh, and that it stopped when we beat the Irish and that if we loose again, then England will probably loot itself to death, and do you want to kill England? Do you?

My mind must have wondered off a bit because the next thing I know he's talking about being adults and that he trusts us and I'm thinking here we go: its like pre-season with Max again, all boys-only sauna's, towel fights and not a word to the press, just us guys together, working hard and playing harder and I can feel the camaraderie building already, when I tune back in and he's saying that wives and girlfriends will be welcome in camp. My world cup dream shattered in a second. How am I supposed to be able to concentrate on the man next to me when there's some hosefaced bint sat between us, talking about her granny the Queen? How am I meant to know, instinctively, that he's got my back when I don't even know what his back looks like, glistening with sweat in the firelight?

Anyway, putting aside my disappointment, Johnson starts talking about the Haka. Apparently, people in New Zealand use the Haka a lot. To say hello. To say goodbye. To order dinner. To threaten to cut open someones chest and rip out their heart. And when ever you see one, you have to stop and give it the maximum attention, without any emotion at all other than humble acceptance, otherwise you will be seen as disrespecting the Haka, and will be killed. Well, you know me. I don't do humble acceptance. I do DOMINATION™.

Johnno shuts up and sits down and I look over at Dylan Hartley. He's punching his anger monkey. I nudge him and he immediately punches me. "Sorry. It's automatic." I told him not to worry then asked him, "Listen. Your a Kiwi right? What's the deal with this Haka thing? I don't like the sound of meek acceptance?" He got this look on his face and sort of smiled. "You're right. You know the only thing us Kiwis respect is violence. Look at our women. When they Haka at you what does a Kiwi do? He Hakas right back." "You think I should Haka?" When he stopped laughing he said, "No you're not a Kiwi. That'd be disrespecting it, bro. Me and Shaunie will do mind Hakas at them. What you've got to do is get up in their faces, dominate them whilst they're dancing." "DOMINATE™ them? I could do that..."

So anyway, how was I supposed to know he only meant on the pitch? We got off the plane and there was some school kids there Hakaing away... Look, I got carried away, but it'd been a long flight and I only know of one way to DOMINATE™... So I hope the kids get well soon and that Johnno stops looking at me like I'm the Irish President.

Epic read.

Absolutely brilliant! Where are you finding these?

"Take that you c*nt" -

Yeah, we need more, more, more ,more!

Off to get my arse tat........................right now!!

biltongbek wrote:Yeah, we need more, more, more ,more!

+1000000000000

Awesome D24. Absolutely brilliant

Glad to see he's not still the flat broke gambling addict that he was at the 2007 WC then! Sure his missus is happy after all the 000's of Euros worth of therapy.....

D24, tears streaming down my face as I read - crapping on Armitage's seat - too funny

I had to put the seat belt on it just to stop it destabilizing the plane if there was turbulence

Know exactly what he's talking about!



Brilliant

D24,did you write that? It was great! A lot of Cork bashing but we're used to it.

very funny indeed!

Oh man!!

Can't take credit lads got them in an email

D24tress wrote:it wasnt me i got it in an email and thought i would share. Its great though, Thing about ROG is i'd say he would have a great laugh to this aswell

If that assuages your conscience then fine.

And some more from the Brand's secret diary (courtesy of Saints unoffy site):

Well, the Quarter Finals are in front of us. I’m not much of a wagering man, but even I couldn’t call some of these match-ups.
Because I can’t resist microphones, video cameras, or attractive Kiwi hotel managers, I’ve reluctantly given another interview. I kept it to the point, as I’m already in hot water with Dark Overlord Jonno over the whole video incident the other night. In my defence, I was DOMINATING the team entertainment, and who would have thought that Freddy Got Fingered wasn’t porn and would receive such a stringent negative response. Grandpa Simon actually threatened me with physical violence if, in his words, “you don’t turn that unfunny Poopie starring that cretin off.”

I don’t understand all the hatred, personally, I thought it was comic genius and really relate to Tom Green’s character. Still, they’ll forgive me when I break out Catwoman, which promises to be a saucy affair indeed.

Nevertheless, the BBC is our national media outlet, so I was obliged to reply, but I kept it all very low key. My only complaint is that they again didn’t quote me properly, and wouldn’t let me DOMINATE all the questions.

I was very respectful. When asked about how I rated the French, I’m quoted as saying:

You always have to respect the French. Individually they have great talent, and having played in France for two years I know that if they get the mental side right they can turn up and beat anyone in the world

This is a complete bastardisation, but it did slightly get me out of the soup with Dark Overlord Jonno. What I actually said was (and it’s just as well they didn’t report me accurately, although Foden does seem to be allowed to say what he likes, which is a bit unfair):

Flip the French. They’re a bunch of lily-livered cowards, and when they see me, THE BIG BRAND, in my full enraged glory preparing to lay down the DOMINATION on them, well, they’ll Poopie it and run quicker than Usain Bolt after someone’s spiked his coffee with laxatives. Seriously, I’ve lived in Paris for a few years, and they’re Flip poofs to a man. Mental side, my arse, and who the Flip has seen this mythical world-beating French side since 1999? I sure as Flip haven’t and I’ve got perfect (amongst other things) vision. They’re more elusive than Easter when the chips are down, and less often spotted than rocking horse Poopie. Flip them, I’m looking forward to rampaging across the line then treating all the Kiwi chicks to the splendour of THE GUN SHOW. They’ll be wetter than the South Island in rainy season once they get a look.

When asked to elaborate, I’m quoted as saying:

They might have lost to Tonga, but you never know which team is going to turn up.

They’re waiting for a big performance, and they’re always enormously prickly during a World Cup. It’ll be a big challenge for us.

This is a gross inaccuracy. What I actually said was:

They may have lost to Tonga, Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha, what a bunch of pussies.

There’s no Flip challenge here. Bring on the sheep shaggers or the potato chompers in the Semi Final.

Why can’t they get it right? It’s merely an example of my rapier wit and cutting WORLD CLASS BANTER TM.

Jonny was a bit cross with me afterwards. He mentioned something about some Greek chicks he’d once dated called Hubris and Nemesis, but I’d zoned out by then, and honestly, his action with the lay-deez is not really up to the standards that I set (be still Little James). Although he does have better hair, and a much nicer tan. Still, that’s what you get poncing around in the tropics at Toulon. Anyway, I’m not fussed about what any fancy Dan back says. Not until he fixes his kicking, anyhow. I did try to show him the other day, but he told me to “Flip off”. I’m not sure how he manages to square this with Buddha, as it didn’t sound very karmic to me.

Still, the squad announcement is coming soon, and I’m sure that Dark Overlord Jonno will forgive me and entrust me to be PACK Flip LEADER against the French.

Best stop now, I’ve got an appointment with the weight machine and have to make sure I look my best for the trip to the countryside we’ve got coming. I’ve got to try to repair our image a bit, as although Jonno is all very keen on circling the wagons, I’m starting to wonder if perhaps we aren’t looking a bit stupid at home. Delon is sulking about his ban (which is fair enough, it wasn’t even a decent piece of DOMINATION, and you may as well get hung for shagging a sheep as a lamb, as I understand the saying goes round here) and even little Manu was fined the other day for some crap about BRANDING. Silly bugger should have asked me, because everyone knows that I DOMINATE BRANDING in these parts. He invited me to a prayer session after we hit the weights, but I’m not too keen on the idea of kneeling down. I don’t do kneeling, as it’s a bit submissive. I do DOMINATION. Why don’t people understand this about me?

Nothing to do with rugby, but i thought you guys mght enjoy this.

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......

8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with my people! My favourite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!

++++

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary ...

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed
hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless
must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to
disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I
had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending
comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. bar stewards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed
in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could
hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due
to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it
to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this
again tomorrow - but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The
dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be
more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the
guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors
have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is
safe. For now.......

Awesome


Were there any other Brand Haskell ones made ?

Very good.

The full Haskell series: The Brand

I'd forgotten how good some of these were - the one where he thinks that Ben Youngs has suggested he has a good chance of becoming a C*u*ln*t hero in Japan still makes me cry with laughter

*EDIT
This Haskell one is BRILLIANT, I never knew the guy could be so funny: http://artofdomination.wordpress.com/2011/10/10/the-secret-diary-of-james-haskell-iq-25-12-date-10th-october-2011/