tna impact 14/4 results

Dark Match:

* Ricky Reyes vs. Shawn Daivari. Winner via Death Valley Driver, Shawn Daivari

Impact (Airing 4/14 on Spike TV):

* The show starts with Immortal of Eric Bischoff, Hulk Hogan, Jeff and Karen Jarrett, Gunner, Murphy, Rob Terry, Ric Flair, Abyss, Bully Ray and Matt Hardy. Hogan says it's obvious to him and the Immortalmaniacs this is the top talent in the ring. There's a stench of rotten rudey poo though so Mr. Anderson get out here brother. Anderson joins Immortal in the ring. Hogan says welcome to the big show. For the last six weeks he gave him the chance to do the right thing. He had two choices: do things the hard way, the Anderson way, or do things the easy way, the Immortal way. Instead he spit in Immortal's face so he spit in his face. Anderson says bull. Anderson insults Hogan with his standard gimmick. Hogan punches Anderson and Immortal swarms him and begins a beat down. They hold Anderson up and Hogan says Anderson has disrespected him for the last time. He's going to regret doing this and probably won't make it to Lockdown. Because, gay boy, you don't mess with Immortal. Bully Ray gets in Anderson's face and Anderson spits on him. Ray beats Anderson down as he's held back. Immortal leaves while a beaten down Anderson is left in the ring.


* Douglas Williams w/Magnus vs. Orlando Jordan w/Eric Young vs. Jesse Neal w/Shannon Moore vs. Crimson w/Scott Steiner. Shannon Moore started trouble with Steiner during the match and Jesse Neal ran after them as they fought to the back. As the referee was distracted by Magnus and Young fighting, Abyss attacked Crimson and took him out of the match. Winner via a Roll the Dice to Williams, Orlando Jordan.
I didn't see what Abyss did to Crimson but the crowd popped hard for it and Crimson was helped to the back by security and trainers.

* Matt Hardy w/Bully Ray, Abyss & Ric Flair vs. Kazarian w/Beer Money & Christopher Daniels. Before the match started, Hebner ejected Immortal and Fortune from ringside. Winner via new submission move, Matt Hardy. He grabbed Kaz like he was going to do a butterfly suplex and then locked his legs around Kaz's waist.

* Madison Rayne and Tara make their way to the ring. Madison says she hasn't been able to sleep the last 7 days. All she does is lie in bed and rethink last week over and over again. If she had the opportunity to do things over again what would she do? If she could do it over again she'd back that bike up and run Mickie over again. However Tara has forgotten her role and she needs to remind her. Tara is supposed to do what she says. Mickie is why Tara has a job. If she continues to give her the slightest attitude she'll make sure Tara is behind the makeup counter stocking lip gloss for minimum wage. Does she have something to say about that? Tara says she does. Mickie James's music hits and she comes out wearing a sling. She says if Madison thinks a dislocated shoulder is going to stop her from beating Madison she has another thing coming. At
Lockdown she's going to finish this. Since Mickie has joined TNA Madison has been making her life a living hell. At Lockdown, inside the cage where there's no way out, she's going to show her how hardcore country she can get.

* Hernandez w/new guy, Rosita & Sarita & "The Pope" D'Angelo Dinero & Jeff Jarrett w/Karen vs. Matt Morgan & Samoa Joe & Kurt Angle. Jeff sent Karen to the back at the beginning of the match. Angle chased Jarrett to the back towards the end of the match. Winner after a brass knux shot from The Pope to Samoa Joe, The Pope, Hernandez and Jeff Jarrett. Hernandez hit Morgan with brass knux after the match as well.

* Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff are in the ring. Hogan says the rubber's hit the road, things are heating up and Immortal is taking care of business. So Rob Van Dam, get out here. RVD joins EB and Hogan in the ring. Hogan asks RVD not to make the same mistake Anderson did. Remember when he brought Rob in in March of 2010? The attitude he had only got him so far. Now with his new attitude he's showing RVD takes a back seat to no one. When an opportunity presented itself RVD took it and pinned the world champion Sting and it was awesome. Sting makes his way to the ring to respond. Sting says that is a lie because Rob never saw what Anderson did. He didn't see Anderson lay him out and Rob wouldn't take a win like that. Sting says he's not taking his eye off the issue and that's getting rid of Hogan and Bischoff. At Lockdown if RVD is the better man he could win the world title. If he decides to join these jabronis then the only way he's getting the title is over his dead body. RVD leaves without saying as Hogan does the RVD pose. Bischoff says Sting has had a great career but Hogan has been outplaying him his whole career. And soon, there's going to be a checkmate for him. Sting says maybe, but the checkmate is mine. Sting boots Bischoff in the stomach and hits a Scorpion Death Drop as Hogan begs him not to. Hogan begs off Sting and points to the back brace he's wearing. Sting says he's going to take a move from Hogan's playbook and take care of him on his time, not Hogan's.

* Abyss vs. James Storm. Winner via Black Hole Slam, Abyss. Ric Flair, Matt Hardy and Bully Ray come down and celebrate with Abyss after the match. They get ready to beat Storm down but Kazarian, Robert Roode and Christopher Daniels run down for the save.

* Mr. Anderson vs. Immortal in a gauntlet match announced as the main event.

* Velvet Sky is out and she looks angry. She gives Angelina one last chance to talk to her face to face and explain her actions as of late. If she doesn't like what she has to say she has no problem whooping that butt. Angelina comes out to Winter's music. Velvet shoves her twice. Angelina spears Velvet and delivers some blows. Love then grabs a chair and brings it into the ring. She DDTs Velvet on the chair and then Winter comes out and motions for Angelina to come to her. Love leaves with Winter as referees check on Velvet.

* Gauntlet match, Mr. Anderson vs. Immortal. Gunner, Murphy, Rob Terry and Bully Ray are the members of Immortal in the match. Murphy is out first. Anderson beats him with a Mic Check. Rob Terry is up next. Anderson also beats Terry with a Mic Check. Gunner is next. Anderson also eliminates Gunner with a Mic Check. Finally we have Bully Ray. Ray knocks the referee out during the match and then drags Anderson up the ramp. He drags him onto the stage and grabs his chain. Hulk Hogan comes out and mocks Anderson. He takes his brace off and gets ready to powerbomb Anderson off the stage. Sting comes out with a bat to stop him. Abyss comes up behind Sting but he eats a bat shot. Ray tries to get Sting but he gets a bat shot too. Sting surveys the carnage left on the stage and leaves as his music
plays.

Xplosion:

* Jay Lethal vs. Chris Sabin vs. Sangrieto from Mexico. Winner via springboard ace crusher, Sangriato. Sangriato looks like Amazing Red under a hood in a new black, purple and yellow outfit.

What a complete and utter mess.

How many times is there an immortal/fortune run in on this show? Its getting really stale now, even for me who hasnt minded the past few months...

Every wrestler is accompanied to the ring by about 8 people.

I just do not believe people write this sort of drivel thinking it will attract viewers or make any money. I think they write it thinking "we'd better make Hulk and Eric happy".

I think TNA is now so damaged it may be impossible to recover, even with a whole new management and booking team.

Why did Hogan and EB need 2 segments?

Sounds like a poor show.

"Immortalmaniacs"? :huh: sounds more like egomaniacs...as in Hogan and Bishoff are egomaniacs!

Seriously, Hogan was planning on powerbombing Anderson? Has Hogan ever powerbombed anybody in his life?

Obviously he never would have and that it was a set up for the Sting segment but really the fact that Hogan is still taking an active role on TV is getting beyond a joke. It just strikes me that he has this overinflated opinion of his own importance and drawing power and believes he's the only one who can carry TNA. TNA need to cut those ties because Hogan is now dead wood. He's not relevant to wrestling anymore; he's one dimensional and he's not doing anything for the younger talent in TNA just massaging his own ego.

Because they are Hogan and Bischoff.

Surely that needs no further explanation...

I watched last weeks show but can have no confidence in a show that feels the need to use the "the network told me to" angle - it is the kind of bull someone thinks up because they have no authority figure / creative department to be able to action that decision, so it is left up to a mysterious other.

Plus, Anderson seems to be a really good mic guy, but why the hell does he have to constantly go on about being an bumhole? I mean it is getting boring now when it could be a good segment... good by TNA standards I mean.

Would be have a future back with the WWE? Why was he sacked / released / quit?

On next week's Impact:

Immortal open the show by walking to the ring. Hogan gets on the mic and cuts a promo about how Immortal and all the of the ImmortalNation are changing the face of professional sports wrestling entertainment forever brother. And you're either with them or not with them or pretending to be with them only for you to not be with them or one week finding yourself standing in the ring with them wondering how you got there and just generally having everybody, including yourself, assume that you are with them.

Stone Cold Ken Anderson then comes out driving a roadsweeper and smashes into the side of the ring. Immortal then beat him up. And the roadsweeper. Anderson then hits the Mic Check on the roadsweeper signifying he's turned heel. He then turns face by kissing a baby. Only to turn heel again by Mic Checking the baby. Only to turn face again by giving money to charity.

Jeff Jarrett comes out to cut a promo only to be chased away by Kurt Angle. Then Jarrett comes back out again. Where he's chased off by Angle. Samoa Joe kills a man. But then gets low-blowed by the Pope who was hiding in the crowd disguised as Lindsay Lohan. Matt Hardy is shown backstage, he's standing in a mysterious dark patch on the floor, which is revealed to be Jeff Hardy's shadow. He tries to convince Christy Hemme that he's not an insignificant turd. She leaves and Matt starts crying out for Lita. Shannon Moore shows up and throws a hissy fit. Jesse Neal comes along and tries to get people to care.

Tommy Dreamer cuts a promo where he cries, then he gets destroyed by Rhino who's been rehired. Rhino is then fired. Raven shows up only to leave again without saying a word. Ric Flair is shown backstage in the wardrobe department, swinging at suit jackets with a baseball bat. It goes without saying that he is bleeding. Abyss dresses up Brian Kendrick as himself and makes Kendrick hump a mannequin. He then unmasks to reveal that he has no hair and was never burned in the fire that his brother the Undertaker started.

Dixie Carter is shown in the crowd. By the look on her face she's sad. Or possibly constipated. Or maybe just hungry. Ric Flair's 16th wife is shown ringside. Flair cuts a promo backstage, bleeding obviously "WOOOO! MEAN BY GOD GENE! 16 TIMES! 16! THE NAITCHA BWAAAAH! 16 TIMES! 16 TIMES MARRIED! WOOOO! STYLIN' & PROFILIN'! MARRYIN' & DIVORCIN'! ME! WOOOO! YES! 16 TIMES! I AM A MARRYIN' GOD! WOOOO! THAT'S RIGHT! RIC FLAIR! YOU! NOT MARRIED 16 TIMES! ME! I AM! YES! WOOOO!" Following the promo, Ric's 16th wife divorces him.

RVD is shown in the backstage area, with a confused look on his face. Apparently he's searching for Sabu. "Dude, he was here like a second ago dude". The next 15 minutes are spent with a crew member trying to explain to RVD that Sabu was fired months ago.

The first match of the evening is Velvet Sky versus Tara. Tara wins the 48 second match after a low blow and a shot to the boob with a size 12 Nike Air Jordan.

Immortal come out again. Hogan cuts a promo about how for over 50 years Immortal have been the revolutionary force in sports wrestling professional entertainment brother. He then says that Mr Anderson is next, and that's the bottom line if you smell what Immortal are cookin' brother. He then calls Immortal the Holocaust of entertainment sports wrestling professional brother.

Stone Cold Ken Anderson is shown backstage driving a cement truck. He stops beside Brooke Hogan and tells her to look up with her mouth open. He then fills Brooke with cement. He looks at the camera and says "If you want Mr Anderson to come out there and whoop Immortal's ass gimme a hell yeah!" A fat guy in the front row shouts "HELL YEAH!" Dixie Carter is shown in the front row too. She's either happy or jonesing for a Pop Tart. The Texas Rattlesnake Ken Anderson comes out and is beat up by Immortal. Sting comes out and says how he's had enough of Immortal and he's going to do something about it. He then leaves.

Jeff Hardy falls onto the stage. He's shaved half his head and is eating a Subway. He takes off his shirt and throws it to what he thinks is the crowd. It's actually a soda machine. He then takes off his trousers and throws it to what he thinks is the crowd but is actually his own arm. Ric Flair comes out starkers, peed off that someone was allowed to get naked before he was. Jeff thinks that Ric is Black Beauty and tries feeding him an apple. Ric elbow drops the apple.

They then start running an angle involving John Cena, Randy Orton, CM Punk and Vince McMahon, despite none of them being signed to TNA. Once they figure this out, TNA turn it into an angle revealing the return of Paul Roma, which they claim was the plan all along.

To close the show, Immortal come to the ring. RVD is now standing in the ring with them. He thinks it's One Night Stand all over again and is wondering where the bWo are. Hogan cuts a promo saying that Immortal is the best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be, and that they will NEVER RETAAAH because they're that damn good brother. He then says Immortal are the potato famine of wrestling entertainment professional sports brother. And if you ain't down with that he's got 2 words for ya: Oh you didn't know? Your ass better call somebody brother!

The Toughest SOB in TNA Ken Anderson comes out with a bow and arrow. He kidnaps Eric Bischoff and holds a gun to his head. As Immortal plead with him not to pull the trigger, Anderson hits Bischoff over the head with a bedpan. Impact goes off the air with Immortal beating up Anderson.

That was funking brilliant Y2!

theundisputedY2D2

=========================================

a) that was hilarious
b) that was still better than anything on TNA in a long while
c) don't forget Matt Hardy still claiming he is part of Team Xtreme and being able to do all those crazy stunts from TLC... only to see him break the ladder when he stepped on it

That is fantastic and really funny, the only thing that wasn't for me was the mic check on the baby part.

The rest made me laugh though!

Mic check on the baby made me laugh the most!

Jeff Hardy falls onto the stage. He's shaved half his head and is eating a Subway. He takes off his shirt and throws it to what he thinks is the crowd. It's actually a soda machine. He then takes of his trousers and throws it to what he thinks is the crowd but is actually his own arm. Ric Flair comes out starkers, peed off that someone was allowed to get naked before he was. Jeff thinks that Ric is Black Beauty and tries feeding him an apple. Ric elbow drops the apple.

That had me in tears!

Y2D2, you are a genius. That's all.

King Beer wrote:

Jeff Hardy falls onto the stage. He's shaved half his head and is eating a Subway. He takes off his shirt and throws it to what he thinks is the crowd. It's actually a soda machine. He then takes of his trousers and throws it to what he thinks is the crowd but is actually his own arm. Ric Flair comes out starkers, peed off that someone was allowed to get naked before he was. Jeff thinks that Ric is Black Beauty and tries feeding him an apple. Ric elbow drops the apple.

That had me in tears!

I have to agree with that bit. I had some funny looks in the office after laughing at that.

I actually laughed out loud at that, brilliant stuff