Some pre-test series humour from South African coaches

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15. ZANE KIRCHNER

-Jake White: “Lambie is very unlucky not to make the starting team. Big call from Heyneke.”

-Nick Mallett: “Bad selection. He tries to join the backline too much, he can’t kick with his left foot and he clearly doesn’t use Lambie’s shampoo enough.”

-Andre Markgraaf: “I hate him.”

-Peter de Villiers: “Most of us were expecting him to pick Lambie, but it seems Heyneke has pulled a bull out of a hat. But Heyneke must be careful, because pulling a bull out of a hat is not magic. That is why God made rabbits.”

14. JP PIETERSEN

-White: “Has been the classiest, most consistent right wing in the country for years.”

-Mallett: “Bad selection. He’s been playing at centre too much this year, he doesn’t communicate enough and sometimes he wears coloured boots that puts his teammates off”.

-Markgraaf: “I hate him.”

-De Villiers: “Hopefully he’ll get some ball that will enable him to attack, because attack is the best form of defence. Except tackling, of course. That’s much better defence.”

13. JEAN DE VILLIERS (Captain)

-White: “Was one of my most trusted senior players and he fully deserves to be captain.”

-Mallett: “Too much of a maverick to be captain and even though I haven’t seen him play outside centre for 10 years, I know he’s too slow for the position.”

-Markgraaf: “I like him.”

-De Villiers: “I’m happy for him. He has the same surname as me and people often ask if we are related. That makes Jean laugh. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I’m much shorter than he is.”

12. FRANCOIS STEYN

-White: “Heyneke’s just copying my World Cup selection.”

-Mallett: “Bad selection. What if he tries one of those huge drop kicks that hits the post, bounces back so far it lands in our 22 and puts us under pressure? Liability.”

-Markgraaf: “I like him.”

-De Villiers: “We had our differences when he wanted to stay in France. I told him that if God wanted us to live in France, why can you buy croissants at Checkers on a Sunday?”

11. BRYAN HABANA

-White: “I taught him everything he knows about wing play.”

-Mallett: “His peripheral vision is not up to scratch, he doesn’t cover his fullback on defence and he eats too many carbohydrates on match day.”

-Markgraaf: “I hate him. Wait…I like him. Wait…ag, I don’t know. They must bring back the Race Classification Council because some of these ohs are bladdy confusing.”

-De Villiers: “People have been critical of him in the past because they expect so much of him. I told him not to worry, because people also expected us to win the World Cup, and look how that turned out. It just goes to show that sometimes people are wrong.”

10. MORNE STEYN

-White: “He’s been playing well and has a history of kicking well under pressure.”

-Mallett: “His defence is shocking, his distribution’s appalling and I’ll bet that if you tell him his faults, he’ll cry just like Gaffie did.”

-Andre Markgraaf has been forcibly removed due to his inappropriate outbursts

-De Villiers: “People say that the way he plays isn’t pretty. But beauty is only skin deep. Ugly goes right down to the bone.”

9. FRANCOIS HOUGAARD

-White: “Can’t find any fault with his play.”

-Mallett: “I can. His box kicks aren’t effective enough. One day he’s going to drop the ball during one of his ’swallow dives’ over the tryline. Too many tattoos.”

-De Villiers: “Has had to bide his time, but good things come to those who wait, and if you wait long enough for delivery, the pizza will be free.”

8. PIERRE SPIES

-White: “Magnificent athlete.”

-Mallett: “His tackling is weak, his running with the ball is mindless and he gets homesick.”

-De Villiers: “I treated him like a bull in a china shop. He didn’t understand why we were talking about Bulls in China when he wants to talk about the Bulls playing in Japan. He has a lot to learn.”

7. WILLEM ALBERTS

-White: “Has all the attributes fill the void left by Juan Smith.”

-Mallett: “He’s too slow, he doesn’t link with the backs and the players don’t know whether to speak English or Afrikaans to him.”

-De Villiers: “He was disappointed that I kept picking Schalk Burger ahead of him. I told him that if he wanted to play in a Springbok team without Schalk in it, then he better buy a tutu and play in a ballerina outfit. Then he understood, and told me that he didn’t like the Bulls away strip either.”

6. MARCELL COETZEE

-White: “Sorry, I didn’t hear you. Who’s the other flank? I was too busy asking Heinrich to fetch me a beer.”

-Mallett: “Earlier I said he would be my pick, but it’s different now that he’s actually been picked. Bad selection.”

-De Villiers: “Heinrich is very unlucky. That’s the way the ball bounces sometimes. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but it doesn’t make the ball rounder. That’s why he’s been dropped.”

5. JUANDRE KRUGER

-White: “I hope they’ve updated the line-out calls. ‘Een, twee, drie, Victor!’ isn’t going to work any more.”

-Mallett: “Doesn’t do enough in the tight loose, isn’t strong enough in the scrums and he doesn’t understand why South Africa has three capital cities.”

-De Villiers: “On debut, you must put your hand up and come to the party. The coach must tell him that even if the fans are expecting him to turn water into wine, he must relax because everyone’s drinking Powerade.”

4. EBEN ETZEBETH

-White: “Awesome physical power.”

-Mallett: “It’s wrong to have two locks on debut. His work at the line-outs is weak and he’s too young to remember when I was coach.”

-De Villiers: “He’s a huge lock, like the tower of Babel, which is why the coach must speak different languages to him. At first you speak English, and he’ll understand. Then you speak Afrikaans, and he’ll understand. Then you speak to him in Xhosa, and then he won’t understand. That’s when you say ‘That is why I am the coach.’.”

3. JANNIE DU PLESSIS

-White: “I only picked tighthead props with initials instead of first names.”

-Mallett: “His discipline is poor, he should get murdered at the scrums and there’s a risk he’ll undermine the team doctor.”

-De Villiers: “I used to tell him that even though he’s a doctor, laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have a headache, then laughter is just a moersa lotta kak.”

2. BISMARCK DU PLESSIS (VICE-CAPTAIN)

-White: “They should have brought back John Smit.”

-Mallett: “Him and his brother are a 5-penalty package. I would never have picked a hooker with such bad discipline. James Dalton was a saint.”

-De Villiers: “He would always get upset that I didn’t start him. I told him that there’s no difference between starting and being on the bench, except that starting feels better. It didn’t cheer him up.”

1. TENDAI ‘BEAST’ MTAWARIRA

-White: “On track to being the new Os.”

-Mallett: “He’s not lifting his jumpers at the kick-offs properly. He’s doing it just to show off his strength to the crowd. When the crowd shouts his name it makes me jealous…I mean, it makes the players jealous.”

-De Villiers: “He was always my first name on the teamsheet, because I started the team with ‘Number 1′.”

RESERVES:

16. ADRIAAN STRAUSS

17. COENIE OOSTHUIZEN

18. FLIP VAN DER MERWE

19. KEEGAN DANIEL

20. RUAN PIENAAR

21. PATRICK LAMBIE

22. WYNAND OLIVIER

-White: “Well, I hope he’s got the team right. If he hasn’t and we lose the series, I’d like to coach South Africa again. If he gets it wrong and they give England a hiding, I would like to coach England. We’ll see, because I’d also like to coach Australia, but my loyalty is with the Brumbies.”

-Mallett: “There’s not enough positions covered on the bench. Wait, I’m getting an sms from Andre Markgraaf… it says ‘I like the whole bench.’”

-De Villiers: “It’s not the team I expected. Fool me once, and shame on me, but if the little boy who cried wolf leads the horse to water, I shall not drink. For I am not a sheep. I am the walrus.”