The CSWDW Chronicles

Mike Tenay and Jonathan Coachman welcome us to Catchy, Sexy, Witty and Delightful Wrestling, and tells us about the show in store just one week away from PPV! And we’re straight into action with a match that throws together the feuds between Mankind and Cody Rhodes, and the one that will culminate in the crowning of the CSWD Entertainer’s Champion at PPV – William Shatner and David Hasselhoff.

Match 1 : Mankind & William Shatner vs Cody Rhodes & The Hoff

Mankind and Shatner make their way to the ring, Mankind covering his maskless face with his hand after Rhodes stole it last week. Rhodes and Hoff follow, Rhodes proudly holding the mask aloft. Mankind and The Hoff start the match, with William Shatner reluctant to get involved with Hoff, and Rhodes similarly wary of Mankind. Mankind is quick to dominate the match with his unorthodox offence, heightened by the fury of losing his mask. It’s not until he plants The Hoff with a Double Arm DDT that Shatner offers the tag. Shatner puts Hoff in a Figure Four Leg Lock and Hoff struggles to reach the rope. Cody Rhodes grabs Hoff’s Baywatch red buoy and holds it out into the ring. Hoff grabs it and Rhodes pulls Hoff closer for the tag. Rhodes makes the tag then gets into the ring, stomping an unaware Shatner then hitting Mankind with a Disaster Kick off the apron, to the outside. Rhodes takes the opportunity to hit Shatner with the Cross Rhodes then tags Hoff to make the pin 1….2…..3.

Winners : Cody Rhodes and The Hoff

Rhodes grabs Mankind’s mask from ringside and runs off into the crowd, with Mankind giving chase, whilst The Hoff celebrates in the ring.
………………………………..

Terry Funk is backstage chatting to Serena Deeb about her wrestling, giving her advice. She smiles and nods along as Funk shows her a couple of holds. Suddenly, Kevin Nash attacks Funk from behind! Serena shrieks as Nash stares her away, Nash hits Funk with a lot of punches and kicks, he throws Funk into a steel shutter in the backstage area, and he chokes Funk with his boot.

Nash: Kevin Nash is in the house tonight
I'm just trying to have a good time
I think you've gone and lost your mind
I'm just trying to have a good time
Kevin Nash is in the house tonight
I'm just trying to have a good time
I think you've gone and lost your mind

I just wanna see ya!

Suffer.

Everyday you're hobbling...

…………………………………………………………………

Match 2 : Kofi Kingston & Flo Rida vs Damien Sandow & Heath Slater

Kofi : We gonna stir things up for you right now. We gonna Stir it up. Little darling. Stir it up MASH-UP SELECTA!

Flo Rida jumps out onto the stage Woah-oh-oh, I get a Good Feeling. Yeah! Kinda feeling I never, never, never get before. Woah-oh-oh, I get a Good Feeling…
Kofi : ‘Cos the sun is shining. The weather is sweet.
Make you wanna move. Your dancing feet

Kofi & Flo : TO THE RESCUE…. HERE I AM!

SOS plays, and they both make their way to the ring.

Slater and Sandow are out next and Slater sarcastically applauds, shouting “Nice one Florida”. Sandow has a mic and says that on the contrary, he and his acquaintance Heath Slater are the ones who will be on the rescue tonight, rescuing the unwashed masses from slipping further into their comatose existence, by bringing to an end all this symphonic abuse that they have been subjected to. You’re Welcome.

Sandow and Flo Rida start the match with Sandow having the upper hand.
Sandow attempts his neckbreaker, but Flo struggles free and tags Kofi.
Kofi leaps to the top rope and flying clotheslines Sandow, following up with a Boom Drop.
Kofi gets ready to hit a Trouble In Paradise but Slater runs in and hits Kofi with his running neckdrop.
Flo Rida is in and attacks Slater, dumping him over the top rope to the outside of the ring.
Sandow lifts up Kofi, goes for the neckbreaker, but Kofi ducks out and lands a Trouble in Paradise kick, knocking Sandow back into the referee.
Outside Slater throws Flo Rida into the ring post then grabs a chair, running into the ring and knocking out Kofi.
Sandow makes the pin just as the ref recovers. 1….2……..3!

DAMIEN SANDOW AND HEATH SLATER WIN!

Sandow and Slater make their exit, Sandow dusting his hands clean and Slater excitedly playing his air guitar, to the disgust of Sandow. Flo Rida check on Kofi.

…………………………………………………….

Mike Tenay says we can now have a fly on the wall experience of a wrestler’s everyday life, because we’ve sent a camera to follow Jimmy Uso to Tesco, as it’s his turn to buy the milk. The camera cuts to see Jimmy Uso walking around a Tesco Metro. He picks up two bottles of milk, and does a few bicep reps with them before making his way to the checkout. Jimmy’s eyes light up as he sees the rows of chocolate bars on offer at the checkout, and after much deliberation he picks up a Wispa Gold.

Jimmy puts the two cartons of milk and the Wispa Gold down on the checkout and the woman scans them through. She asks Jimmy if he knows that Wispa Golds are buy one get one free this week. Jimmy says he didn’t know this, but he’ll leave it now, he couldn’t manage two anyway. The checkout lady looks at him confused and tells him again that they are buy one get one free, you might as well pick up the free one. Jimmy says he’s a professional wrestler, and has to watch his weight if he wants to stay on top of his game. The checkout lady gets annoyed and tells him to save one for tomorrow then, or give one to a friend.

This hits Jimmy hard, his lip starts to quiver, and he reaches into his pocket, not for his wallet, but for his folded up photograph of his brother Jey Uso.

And I miss you. Like the deserts miss the rain.
And I miss you, Yeah. Like the deserts miss the rain

Jimmy wipes away a tear and pokes his tongue out Maori style at the photograph.

Jimmy : BLAH!

The checkout lady asks if he’s going to but the Wispa Gold, and Jimmy says he doesn’t want either anymore, just the milk.

………………………………………………………………………..

Match 3 : Spud, Audrey Marie & Rosita v Eric Young, Kelly Kelly & Serena Deeb

All six competitors are in the ring, and it looks like we’re going to start with Eric Young and Spud, when Eric Young, in leather jacket and slicked back, jet black hair turns to face Kelly Kelly.

Kelly : Summer Lovin’ happened so fast
Eric : Summer Lovin’ had me a blast
Kelly : Met a guy crazy for me
Eric : And I’m even a wrestler from TV
Serena : That’s so cool is he WWE?
Kelly : No he’s not but he’s TNA

All : Uh Well Uh Well Uh Well Uh Uh

Serena : Tell me more, tell me more
Audrey Marie : I bet he hardly gets paid?
Serena : Tell me more, tell me more
Rosita : I bet he’s never got laid

Eric Young turns around to remonstrate with Audrey Marie and Rosita, but Spud lays him out and pins him 1…..2……3.

Winners : Spud, Audrey Marie & Rosita

………………………………..

Kermit bounds up to Gonzo excitedly backstage and asks has Gonzo heard the news? The GM of CSWD has had a baby! Gonzo looks confused and says “Vickie Guerrero had a baby, I only saw her 5 minutes ago?”. Kermit says no stupid, the real GM of CSWD… the one who writes these scripts we’re reading off. Kermit and Gonzo look down at their feet to see scripts in a large font. Gonzo kicks his away to try and cover it. Gonzo says he has no idea what Kermit is talking about, but says they should sing a song in honour of the occasion anyway. Gonzo clears his throat then starts to sing;

Long time ago, in Crawley Town, so the Holy Bible says
Kermit : Erm… it wasn’t a long time ago, it was just yesterday
Marky’s boy child, Brodie, was born on Christmas Day
Kermit : Um, Gonzo, It wasn’t Christmas Day… I just said it was yesterday!
Hark, now hear the angels sing, a king was born today
Kermit : Closer Gonzo… it was yesterday
And man will live for evermore, because of Christmas Dayyyyyyyyyyyy

Kermit just stares at Gonzo

Kermit : Well… errrrm… that was nice Gonzo. Really nice of you.

Ron Simmonds appears from behind them.

RS : DAMN!

………………………………..

Match 4 : The Great Khali vs The Great Muta – Sing-Off

Mike Tenay announces that Khali and Muta will face-off in one final showdown before their epic ladder match at CSWDW PPV, and it will be a sing-off, where the winner will be able to elect one more item to put into the briefcase hanging above the ring, to join the rights to the word “GREAT”, and a bakers dozen of Onion Bhajis. Without further ado, Lillian Garcia announces the contestants, introducing first……. The Great Khali Minogue!

Khali makes his way to the ring wearing gold hotpants and a flimsy white shaul, then dances to his music in the ring. Lillian Garcia introduces his opponent… The Great Mutya Buena! Muta makes his way to the ring, with his hair pulled back tight, and wearing a stud on the lip of his mask.

The Great Mutya faces the big karaoke screen straight away and begins a Sugababes medley.

Round Round Khali Round Round
Spinning out on me
I don’t need no man
Get my kicks for free…. ….

I've been waiting patiently for him to come and get it
I wonder if he knows that he can say it and I'm with it
I knew I had my mind made up from the very beginning
To catch this bhaji briefcase so you and me could feel it 'cos
If you're ready for me Khali
You'd better push the button and let me know
Before I get the wrong idea and go
You're gonna miss the word “great” that I control…. ….

Cos I will be a freak until the day
Until the dawn
And we can all through the night
To the early morn
Come on and we'll take you around the hood
On a gangster lift
'Cos we can any time of day
It's all good for me … …

Round Round Khali when I go…
When I go…
WHEN I GO!

The Great Mutya ends with a euphoric spray of green mist into the air, and polite applause.

The Great Khali Minogue snatches the mic and looks up at the big karaoke screen.

La La La. La La La La La
La La La. La La La La La.
La La La. La La La La La.
La La La. La La La La La.
I just ca… … … … … head,
Boy…. …. …. …. think about,
I … can’t ……….my head.
……can’t………… out of my head.
La La La. La La La La La
La La La. La La La La La.
La La La. La La La La La.
La La La. La La La La La.
I am……….. lucky.
Lucky lucky lucky.
Luck lucky lucky.
Luc… La La La. La La La La La
La La La. La La La La La
La… Luck… Locomotion

Lillian Garcia says that the winner is The Great Mutya, because he got all the words right. Khali looks furious then Lillian asks Mutya what he wants to put into the briefcase. Mutya reaches into his pocket and takes out his Tamagotchi and passes it to Lillian.

Tenay : Oh my god. I don’t believe it! When I last spoke to Muta yesterday, his Tamagotchi was 82 days old. I’ve never got mine to that sort of age. How is it going to survive a whole week locked up in that box?

Coach : This shows how serious Muta is taking this match, Mike. Let me tell you what happens when a Tamagotchi is left alone; it poops, and has nothing to eat, and if that poop’s not cleaned up, it starts eating its poop and it could become poisoned – particularly over a full week of neglect. This is huge! Muta’s gonna be so pumped to want to grab that briefcase straight away, and get cleaning the poop and putting food down for that Tamagotchi ASAP.

Tenay : Wow! The stakes… or should that be the Bhajis…. Could not be any higher now!

…………………………………………………………………..

Main Event : Camacho Man v Boogeyman v Christian v Ultimate Warrior

Mike Tenay explains that the winner of this match will be able to select the stipulation for the CSWD World Title match at PPV. The match begins with Boogeyman eating worms in the corner, and the Ultimate Warrior hyping the crowd by running around the ring, and shaking the ropes, allowing Camacho Man and Christian to battle it out in the early stages. After an even exchange, Christian knocks Camacho Man to the outside with a dropkick and Camacho Man falls into the Ultimate Warrior, enraging him. Warrior body press slams Camacho Man over the barrier and into the crowd then slides into the ring. Christian attempts some offence, but Warrior no sells then flattens Christian with a clothesline. Warrior picks Christian up and running powerslams him. Warrior looks to Boogeyman who doesn’t move from his corner, and Warrior pins Christian for the three count.

Winner : The Ultimate Warrior

Mike Tenay says that that was strange behaviour from The Boogeyman, not getting involved in the match once, not even to prevent the Warrior’s victory. Coach says he can’t wait to hear The Ultimate Warrior’s stipulation choice, which will be announced at the PPV. As he says that, Boogeyman smashes his alarm clock over Warrior’s head when his back is turned. Boogeyman stands over Christian and Warrior, as Camacho Man recovers in the crowd, staring into the ring as he is handed his World Title by the referee.

The lights go out and a voice starts to sing;

Lady in Red
Is dancing with me… cheek to cheek
There’s nobody here
It’s just… … … you and me!

The lights come back on and Boogeyman has disappeared. Mike Tenay says that’s all we’ve got time for – CSWD will see you at the PPV on Sunday. Will Boogeyman be disappearing with the World Title?
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The camera pans the arena, and the customary fireworks go off into the air. The stage is surrounded by a heavy red stage curtain and it slowly draws back, as the lights lower.

Jonathan Coachman : It’s Showtime!

Mike Tenay : Welcome ladies and Gentlemen to Catch, Sexy, Witty and Delightful’s Pay-Per-View, which the kind Vickie Guerrero has actually made free to view, in the hope of securing some good ratings. What a sweetener! And what a card we’ve got for you – starting with this battle of ideologies between the musical soul of Kofi Kingston, and the ever so serious intellectual, Damien Sandow.


Match 1 : Kofi Kingston vs Damien Sandow

Damien Sandow’s music hits and he makes his way to the ring with a microphone. Sandow says that tonight he will be the Saviour of the Unwashed Masses, by removing Kofi Kingston from CSWD and restoring some semblance of order to proceedings. Sandow says that the likes of Kofi Kingston are responsible for the systematic destruction of the art of wrestling, and replacing it with nothing more than a culturally devoid musical. Sandow says that just like the stars on Broadway, Kofi will be on his back, looking up at the constellations tonight. You’re Welcome!

The Green and Yellow fireworks go off, and Kofi Kingston jumps onto the ramp. He has a mic and he tells Sandow that if he thinks a little sing song is killing wrestling, then he is wrong. Because…

I Shot the Sheriff.
But I did not kill CSWD.
I’ll destroy Sandow.
But I won’t destroy CSWD!
Yeah all around down in the ring now
Sandow’s trying to bring me down
He say he want to bring me in guilty
For the killing of CSWD.
For the life of CSWD.
But I say…
I Shot the Sheriff
But I did not kill CSWD.
I’ll destroy Sandow
But I won’t destroy CSWD!

Kingston drops his mic and charges down the ramp, sliding into the ring. Sandow jumps Kofi and starts beating him down with heavy forearms. Sandow pulls Kofi up to his feet and whips him into the ropes. Sandow attempts a back body drop but Kofi leapfrogs, then hits a spinning heel kick. Kofi wastes no time climbing to the top turnbuckle, and as Sandow gets to his feet Kofi hits a flying crossbody. Kofi gets a two count before Sandow kicks out. Kofi lifts Sandow and hits a few chops across his chest, then pushes Sandow back into the ropes. Kofi attempts a clothesline, but Sandow back body drops Kofi over the top rope. Kofi lands on the apron and as Sandow turns to face him, Kofi has already leapt to the top rope and lands a flying clothesline with massive airtime. Kofi sets Sandow up for the Boom Drop, and lands the double leg-drop. Kofi retreats to the corner and starts calling for Trouble in Paradise. As Sandow rises, Kofi goes for his finisher, but Sandow ducks and Kofi rolls over the back of him. Sandow quickly trips Kofi with a Russian Legsweep then begins stomping down on him. Sandow hits Kofi with a Curb Stomp and covers for a close two count. Sandow lifts Kofi into a Full Nelson and charges at the turnbuckle, looking to ram Kofi’s head into the corner, but Kofi runs up the ringpost and flips behinds Sandow, dropkicking him into the corner. Kofi retreats to the opposite corner again and starts singing….

Trouble in Para… Para…. Paradise
Para… Para….. Paradise
Para… Para….. Paradise
Woah Oh Oh, Woah Oh Oh Oh Oh

As Kofi sings the final line to the crowd, Sandow has charged out of his corner and hits Kofi with The Illumination Neckbreaker. Sandow pins Kofi…. 1……2……..3!

Winner : Damien Sandow

Mike Tenay says that Kofi Kingston paid the price for choosing to sing a tune rather than finish the match. The Coach says that that is what makes Damien Sandow so impressive – that he doesn’t succumb to those ridiculous distractions here in CSWD.

……………………………………………………..

We cut to a VT of highlights of the CSWD Pre-Show which featured Eric Young and Kelly Kelly vs Spud and Rosita in a car race. They all seemed to enjoy it – and Eric Young and Kelly Kelly were victorious.

……………………………………………………..

Match 2 : Miami Street Fight – Flo Rida vs Heath Slater

Back in the ring and Flo Rida is waiting for Heath Slater. Slater’s music hits and he appears on the stage with a microphone. Slater tells Flo that he’s glad this is a Miami Street Fight. He says it reminds him of that Will Smith song

Party in the City where the heat is on.
All night on the beach, till the break of dawn
Welcome to Miami- bienvenido a Miami
YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT! Heath Slater baby!
Getting Jiggy with it.
Na Na Na One Man Rockband
Na Na Na Na Na Na
Getting Jiggy with it
Na Na Na One Man Rockband
Na Na Na Na Na Na

Slater tells Flo Rida that Will Smith was a proper rapper… much better than Florida. Maybe Florida should learn to be a bit more like Will Smith. But then, Will Smith had big ears, and Florida has only got a big MOUTH!

Slater makes his way to the ring but Flo Rida slide out and meets him halfway down the ramp. Flo Rida unleashes a barrage of punches, forcing Slater back where he came from, until they are as far as the curtain. Flo Rida whips Heath through the curtain into the backstage area and slams his head into a wall then into an equipment crate. Slater fights back with a knee to Flo Rida’s stomach, then throws him over the crate, laying into him with aggressive punches as the rapper lies on top of the crate. Slater leaves Flo Rida there and grabs himself a steel pole, laying into Flo Rida’s ribs with it. Slater sledges Flo as he hits him, but Flo manages to hit Slater with a knee to the face.

Flo Rida drags Slater over to a vending machine and whips him into it, Slater slumps to the floor. Flo Rida asks Slater what he wants to drink then says he’ll get him a Ginger Beer. Flo presses the button and out pops a can of Ginger Beer which Flo Rida pours all over Slater, then throws the can at him. Flo goes back to the vending machine for another can, but Slater is up and slams Flo Rida into the machine. Slater picks up Flo and whips him into the nearest locker room, which belongs to the Muppets. Slater hits Flo with a Neckbreaker then sits Flo down on a sofa. Slater laughs as in the corner of the room is a guitar. Slater grabs the guitar and tells Florida to hear some proper music.

I’m just one ma..a-a-aaaaa….ma..a-a-n.
I’m a one man ba..a-a-aaaa… ba..a-and

Kermit the Frog appears from the toilet and asks what the racket is, but Slater is lost in his song and doesn’t notice. From behind Kermit the Frog low blows Slater and tells him that that was for kicking him across the room two weeks ago. Flo Rida stands up and takes the guitar out of Slater’s hands and slams it over the One Man Rockband’s head. Slater collapses to the floor and Flo Rida pins him 1…..2……..3!

Winner : Flo Rida

Mike Tenay says that Kermit the Frog gained some measure of revenge for Heath Slater’s attack a couple of weeks back. Coach says there is no way Heath Slater is going to let this one lie.

…………………………………………………………………

Backstage, Cody Rhodes is seen viciously attacking Mankind. He opens a door to the boiler room and throws Mankind inside, saying that if Mankind wants to be the Phantom of this Opera, then he can live under the stage like the Phantom. Rhodes slams the door shut and puts a pipe through the handle to lock it shut. The door shakes violently as Mankind tries to get out

………………………………………………………………..

Match 3 : Hardcore Match - Terry Funk vs Kevin Nash

Terry Funk makes his way to the ring with a trash can full of weapons and awaits Kevin Nash.

Nash: Kevin Nash is in the house tonight
I'm just trying to have a good time
I think you've gone and lost your mind
I'm just trying to have a good time
Kevin Nash is in the house tonight
I'm just trying to have a good time
I think you've gone and lost your mind

I just wanna see ya!

Suffer.

Everyday you're hobbling...

Kevin Nash climbs into the ring and Terry Funk immediately picks up a steel chair, looking to hit Nash. Nash Big Boots the chair into Funk’s face and immediately covers. 1…..2…….

Funk just kicks out before 3. Nash takes the chair and starts slamming it across Funk’s back repeatedly. Nash rains down about 10 chair shots on Funk’s back before kicking him over onto his back and covering again. 1…..2…….. Funk kicks out again. Nash angrily grabs the chair and sets it up in the corner of the ring, in between the top and second ropes. Nash picks up Funk and whips him headfirst into the chair. Nash covers again 1……2……………… Funk kicks out on 2 and ¾’s. Nash punches the mat in frustration and climbs to the outside to get a table from under the ring. Nash slides the table into the ring and sets it up as Funk is stirring. Tenay says that Nash has been relentless in this beatdown, how the hell is Funk still fighting on? Nash has the table set up and calls for a Jackknife Powerbomb, setting Funk up between his legs for it. Nash tries to lift him once, but Funk resists. He tries a second time but Funk resists again. Nash beats the hell out of Funks’ lower back then tries a third time, this time lifting Funk up, but then stumbles backwards in agony.
The Coach shouts that Kevin Nash has just blown his quads! Can you believe it? Tenay says he’s never seen anything like it just as Funk, still between Nash’s legs, back body drops him over his head and through the table. Funk falls back in exhaustion and covers Nash 1…….2………3!

Winner : Terry Funk

Funk grabs the mic

Get up
Get on up
Get up
Get on up
Stay on the scene
Get on up
Like a Funk machine
Get on up
Like a hardcore machine
Get on up
Get on the scene
Get on up
I’m F’N extreme
Get on up
Don’t want to cause a scene
Get on up
Like a Funk Machine
Get on up
I like my coffee with cream
Get on up
This feels like a dream
Get on up
I’m F’N extreme
Get on up
Like a Hardcore machine
Get on up
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!

……………………………………………………………….

Lillian Garcia interviews the CSWD World Heavyweight Champion, Camacho Man backstage. She asks him if he feels the odds are stacked against him with having to defend against Christian, Boogeyman AND The Ultimate Warrior, who also gets to choose the stipulation! Camacho man says he does feel handicapped… but that doesn’t matter, because he’s…

Ca-Macho
I’ve got to be Ca-Macho
I’ve got to be big and strong
Enough to turn you on
I’ve got to have – Big Blue Eyes
Be able to sat-is-fy
I’ve got to be big and strong
Enough to turn you on……

CA-MACHO MACHO MAN! YEAH!
I’VE GOT TO BE CAMACHO MAN!
CA-MACHO MACHO MAN! OOOH!
I’VE GOT TO BE…. CAMACHO MAN!

The Ultimate Warrior interrupts and tells Camacho Man that he’s going to have to be Camacho Man and a whole lot more tonight. Because he’s decided on the stipulation. AND IT’S A NO DISQUALIFICATION 28 MINUTE IRONMAN MATCH WARRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIAHHHHHHHHHHHHH STYLE!

WARRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

Tenay : No disqualification…. 28 minute Ironman match! Wow!

…………………………………………………………………

Match 4 : Mankind vs Cody Rhodes

Cody Rhodes makes his way to the ring and waits for Mankind’s entrance. Tenay reminds us that we saw Rhodes attack Mankind earlier tonight and lock him in the Boiler Room. Rhodes cockily spins Mankind’s mask around his finger. After two cycles of Mankind’s music Rhodes tells the referee to start counting Mankind out, and the referee reluctantly begins. Rhodes sits down in the middle of the ring as he waits for the 10 count but is disturbed when the referee gets to 8 by the mat being cut open. Mankind climbs up through the mat, and before Cody can respond he puts him in the Mandible Claw and drags Cody under the ring with him.

Tenay asks how Mankind got out of the boiler room. Mankind crawls back out of the hole alone and Cody has disappeared. Mankind has his mask back on, and this time has Cody’s in his possession too. Mankind tells the referee to start the count-out again, and the referee does so. He gets to 10 and declares Mankind the winner.

Winner : Mankind

The Coach keeps asking where Cody Rhodes has gone. The referee looks into the hole in the mat and says he’s disappeared. Mankind just rocks in the corner, nursing Cody’s mask like a baby.

………………………………………………………………

Backstage in the locker room, David Otunga addresses the talent. He tells them that CSWD has had a terrific first few weeks, and now they need to put their hands together for the woman who made it all possible….

I throw my hands up in the air sometimes
Singing Ay-Oh…. Vickie Guerrero
I wanna celebrate and live my life
With Ay-Oh…. Vickie Guerrero
Cause we gon’ rock this club
We gon’ go all night
We gon’ light it up
Like it’s dynamite
Thanks to Ay-Oh…. Vickie Guerrero

The locker room applaud as Vickie Guerrero appears and thanks them all for their efforts. She tells David Otunga that she has some urgent business to attend to, and goes back into her office. Otunga sighs and touches the door

Because you’re once.
Twice.
Three times a lady.
And I love you.
Said your once.
Twice.
Three times a lady.
And I looooooooooooooooove yoooooooooooooooou…..ooooooooooooh!

Kofi Kingston pats Otunga on the shoulder to comfort him, and Otunga says thanks.

Match 5 : Ladder Match : The Great Khali vs The Great Muta

Lillian Garcia prepares the briefcase with the word “Great” in colourful fridge magnet letters, a baker’s dozen of Onion Bhajis, and The Great Muta’s Tamagotchi. Lillian explains that the winner of this match gets the Bhajis, the Tamagotchi, and has to drop the prefix “Great” from their name for good. Literally…. The winner takes it all. Lillian takes a deep breath, then leaves the ring.

Coachman : Were you expecting Lillian to break into “The Winner Takes it All” there?

Tenay : I was.

The Great Muta makes his way to the ring and looks up at the briefcase. Khali is second to the ring, and when he climbs in it is evident that the briefcase in in easy reach of him even without a ladder. Khali does not notice this.

The match begins and Khali aims a big chop at the head of Muta, catching the briefcase with his hand as he swings. Tenay says that Khali could just grab the briefcase and run. Muta catches the chop and puts Khali in a rear wristlock. Khali is too powerful to be kept there, so Muta forces Khali to one knee by putting his foot into the back of the other. Then Muta starts clubbing Khali’s head with his elbow. Once Khali is on both knees, Muta runs the ropes then flying clotheslines Khali. Muta goes to the outside and grabs a ladder. Muta sets it up over Khali’s body, trying to pin him down and starts climbing. Muta quickly gets to the top but Khali is able to topple the ladder, sending Muta crashing to the outside. Khali sets up the ladder himself and slowly starts to climb. After one rung he is hitting his head on the case, but he still climbs. Tenay asks why Khali doesn’t just grab it and Coach says he doesn’t know. Khali climbs another rung but Muta is up and dropkicks Khali in the back, stopping his ascent. Muta grabs Khali by the hair and pulls him down to the mat with a thud, then lands a leg drop. Muta starts to climb again, but Khali is quickly up. He rolls to the outside and picks up a second ladder, then throws it from the outside of the ring, all the way at Muta on the inside, knocking him from his ladder. Muta rolls from the ring and Khali gets back in and starts climbing again, making slow progress. Muta slowly recovers and rolls back into the ring and starts climbing the otherside. They both reach the top and attempt to grab the briefcase, then Khali grabs Muta by the throat. Tenay says it’s game over for Muta if he gets chokeslammed from here. Muta elbows himself free then gets Khali in a DDT position, trying to pull the 7ft giant over the top of the ladder. Coach screams with excitement, but Khali fights free then headbutts Muta. Muta wobbles at the top and almost loses his balance, and Khali readies a big Chop. Just as he raises his hand, Muta spits Green Mist into Khali’s eyes, and Khali misses the chop, instead hitting the briefcase, and breaking it. The contents spill all over the mat below – except the fridge magnets which stay in place. Muta grabs the briefcase and jumps to the mat.

Winner : The GREAT Muta.

Muta starts to pick up all the Bhajis on the mat, putting one in his mouth straight away, when Jimmy Uso storms the ring. Jimmy Uso looks around and sees the Tamagotchi and dives for it. Muta notices but it’s too late. Jimmy Uso runs back up the ramp with the Tamagotchi. Tenay shouts “What the Hell… What the Hell” as Muta starts to give chase. Khali is back on the mat, wiping his face clean of the green mist, and starts picking up the other Bhajis.

Tenay : Who’s the real winner here tonight? It looks as though Khali’s actually got the lion’s share of those Bhajis… he’s got 7 or 8 of them there. Muta’s got the rest, and the word “Great”. But Jimmy Uso has just kidnapped the Tamagotchi! Muta’s not going to feel much like a winner right now. Why Jimmy Uso. Why?

…………………………………………………………………………………

Statler : What’s this show called again?

Waldorf : It says on the programme that it’s Catchy, Sexy, Witty and Delightful Wrestling.

Statler : Oh yeah… well it’s more like Crazy, Stupid, Waste of Time and Dreadful Wrestling.

They both laugh

………………………………………………………………………………….

Match 6 : CSWD Entertainers Title Match – William Shatner vs David “The Hoff” Hasselhoff

Lillian Garcia tells the crowd that the next match will crown the first ever CSWD Entertainers Champion. Lillian says that CSWD is all about the entertainment, and now two of the finest entertainers around will compete for the honour. So let Us Entertain You!

Lillian takes a deep breath, then announces William Shatner.

Mike Tenay : Were you expecting her to sing Let me Entertain You for a moment there?

Coach : Yes. I was.

William Shatner makes his way to the ring in his Star Trek outfit and awaits the entrance of David Hasselhoff. The iconic drumming of the beginning of the Baywatch theme begins, accompanied by Kane style fireworks, making Shatner jump. Then the ramp turns into a water feature, with water running from the stage down to the ring. Hasselhoff appears at the top in his red trunks and starts to sing.

Some people stand in the darkness
Afraid to step into the light
Some people need to have somebody
With the edge of surrender in sight
Don’t you worry
It’s going to be alright
Because I’m always ready
And I will be Champion Tonight!

Because I’m already
And I will be Champion Tonight!

The music continues as Hasselhoff rides a surfboard down the river-like ramp.

Coach : We spent a lot of the budget on David Hasselhoff didn’t we?

Tenay : He’s big in Germany, Coach. And that’s where the big money is.

Hasselhoff and Shatner square off and Shatner looks worried about the match. They lock up and Hasselhoff wins the power battle easily. He suplexes Shatner then hits an elbow drop. Hasselhoff picks Shatner up and whip him into the ropes, then takes him down with a Lou Thesz press. Tenay says that it’s impressive work from The Hoff. Hoff backs off after a ten count of punches, and waits for Shatner to stumble to his feet, already looking worn out. Hoff goes for a Scoop Slam but Shatner turns it into a roll up pin counter 1…..2…….. Ooooh, Shatner almost stole one there. They both get back to their feet and Shatner starts chopping Hoff’s chest. Hoff manages to block one then hits Shatner with some chops of his own, forcing him back towards the ropes. Shatner leans up against the ropes and Hoff rips his top and starts chopping Shatner’s bared chest until it is red raw. Hoff whips Shatner to the other side of the ring, and Shatner stops himself from rebounding and instead drops to the mat and crawls out of the ring. Shatner holds his hands up and said he’s had enough. He says Beam Me Up Scotty then crawls under the ring. Hoff leans through the ropes to see where Shatner has gone, and almost simultaneously Cody Rhodes appears on the other side of the ring. Cody Rhodes slides in behind Hoff then as Hoff turns, hits him with a Disaster Kick. Rhodes slides back out of the ring and says it’s bad enough that he was under the ring for so long tonight, but then to get flooded by Hasselhoff’s water display was a step too far. Rhodes shakes himself dry then leaves the ringside area. Shatner tentatively creeps back out of the ring, looking around for Hoff, then notices that he’s laid out in the ring. Shatner quickly scrambles in and covers Hoff. 1……2……….3!

Winner : AND FIRST EVER CSWD ENTERTAINERS CHAMPION – WILLIAM SHATNER!

Tenay says Hoff had that won from the off, and it’s only down to Cody Rhodes that he lost.

………………………………………………………………………………

An advert for CSWD’s Greatest Hits Volume 1 is shown, featuring all your favourite hits, such as “Camacho Man”, “The Great Khali Minogue Megamix” and “Kevin Nash Anthem”. Available from Monday on EyeChoons

………………………………………………………………………………

Main Event : CSWD World Heavyweight Championship Match
No Disqualification 28 minute Iron Man Match
Camacho Man vs Christian vs Boogeyman vs The Ultimate Warrior

Lillian Garcia announces the rules of the match, then says that due to the nature of the match, we need a special guest timekeeper, and The Ultimate Warrior has also chosen this peron.

FLAVOR FLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAV!

Flavor Flav makes his way to the ring to “Fight the Power” with his trademark big clock hanging around his neck, and he’s carrying a steel pipe. He tags hands with the fans then takes his seat. Mike Tenay asks Flavor Flav where he got the pipe and Flav tells him that he found it jimmied in the boiler room door earlier. Coach asks Flav to guarantee that he’s not going to use that pipe to screw someone out of this match, as it seems an odd prop to bring to the ring otherwise. Flav says no way. It’s a good looking pipe. He’s either going to keep it, or sell it to a rag and bone man to raise cash to replace his clock, which probably WILL be used to cost someone the match. “I won’t get a good deal, but I’ll get rid of the steel” .Tenay asks how can he be so sure that his clock will be decisive… and Flav answers that Flavor Flav can only have been hired for clock based japes. FLAVOR FLAV!

Lillian introduces the competitors one at a time, with the champion Camacho Man entering the ring last, and the match begins. Flavor winds his clock to 28 minutes and excitedly taps the face to signal time has started. Warrior immediately seizes upon Boogeyman and Christian takes on Camacho Man.

Warrior gets the upper hand on Boogeyman with his smashmouth offence, repeatedly clotheslining Boogeyman to the mat everytime he gets up. After about 6 clotheslines, Warrior shakes the ropes. Christian takes Camacho Man down with a Spear into the turnbuckle. Christian climbs the top rope and goes for a Frogsplash, but Camacho Man gets his knees up. Warrior turns from shaking the ropes and Boogeyman knocks him down with an elbow. Boogeyman keeps Warrior down with a foot across his throat. Meanwhile Camacho Man has gone to the top rope and hits Christian with a Flying Crossbody. Camacho covers for a 2 count. Camacho picks Christian up and whips him across the ring, just as Boogeyman does the same to Warrior, and Christian and Warrior collide. Christian falls to the mat, but Warrior no sells, instead lifting Christian and Gorrilla Press Slamming him. Warrior makes the cover but Boogeyman breaks it up. Camacho Man takes the fight to Boogeyman. Warrior throws Christian out of the ring then helps Camacho take out Boogeyman, launching him out of the ring.

Camacho Man and Warrior have a good battle with some close pinfalls. Boogeyman is looking under the ring. He takes out two alarm clocks. Warrior launches Camacho over the top rope then starts geeing up the crowd, shaking the ropes. As soon as Camacho Man has landed Boogeyman smashes an alarm clock over his head, knocking him out. Boogeyman stalks Christian on the outside and smashes the second alarm clock over his head. Boogeyman looks under the ring, but can’t find anything. Warrior is still distracted in the ring, shaking the ropes. Boogeyman walks over to Flavor Flav who stands up to face him.

Flavor Flav : Don’t you do that to me Boogeyman.
Don’t you do that
Don’t you do that to me Boogeyman
Don’t you do that to me Boogeyman

Boogeyman grabs the clock from around Flav’s neck and tries to take it.

Flavor Flav : Don’t you do that to me Boogeyman
Don’t you do that now.
Don’t you do that to me Boogeyman.

Boogeyman rips the clock away from Flav’s neck and gets in the ring, standing behind Warrior, poised to hit him. Flav follows Boogeyman in and snatches the clock back, then smashes it over Boogeyman’s head. Warrior turns around and hits the Warrior Splash 1……2……..3!

Winner : AND NEW CSWD WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION… THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR!
(Match Time : 32m 08secs. Flavor Flav wasn’t concentrating)

Warrior celebrates with the belt as Flavor Flav gurns at the camera, saying he told you the clock wouldn’t last the night. FLAVOR FLAAAAAAAAAAV!

Mike Tenay : That’s all we’ve got time for. I hope you enjoyed this PPV.

Coach : There were a lot of screwy finishes Mike

Tenay : A lot of screwy finishes!
[/quote]

Vickie Guerrero and David Otunga are stood backstage;

Otunga: All babies together, everyone a seed
Half of us are satisfied, half of us in need
Love's bountiful in us, tarnished by our greed
Oh, when will there be a harvest for the world, yeah
Harvest for the world
A nation planted, so concerned with gain
As the seasons come and go, greater grows the pain
And far too many, feelin' the strain
Oh, when will there be a harvest for the world, yeah

(Vickie squeals in delight!)

Vickie: Come here you!

(Otunga grins but is ashen as Vickie runs past Otunga and into the arms of the Big Show!)

Vickie: David, this is my ex boyfriend Paul, Paul, this is David Otunga!

Big Show: Hey Dave.

Otunga: It's David...

(Otunga turns away as Vickie and Big Show hug, looking sad)

---------------------------------

Camacho Man: Every man wants to be Camacho Camacho man
to have the kind of body, always in demand
Jogging in the mornings, go man go
works out in the health spa, muscles glow
You can best believe that, he's Camacho man
ready to get down with, anyone he can
Hey! Hey! Hey, hey, hey!
Camacho, Camacho man
I've got to be, Camacho man
Camacho, Camacho man
I've got to be Camacho!

Eric Young: Go grease lightning, you're burning up the quarter mile
Grease lightning, go grease lightning
Go grease lightning, you're coasting through the heat lap trial
Grease lightning, go grease lightning
You are supreme, the chicks'll cream for grease lightning
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go

Eric Young and Camacho Man high five and await their opponents.

The Uso's music hits, Jimmy Uso has a microphone and he tells the crowd to give a warm welcome to his brother from another mother, Khali Uso! Jimmy Uso stands there in his Haka pose, as Khali lumbers out in his usual attire. Jimmy beckons Khali to adopt the Haka pose, Runjin Singh is alongside Khali.

Khali: Ka mate! Ka mate! Ka ora! Ka ora!
Ka mate! Ka mate! Ka ora! Ka ora!
Tenei te tangata puhuru huru
Nana nei i tiki mai
Whakawhiti te ra
A upa ... ne! ka upa ... ne!
A upane kaupane whiti te ra!
Hi!

Jimmy: Wow man, I didn't know you spoke Maori!

(Khali whispers to Runjin)

Runjin: Khali says he doesn't speak any Maori and not to mock his Indian accent...

***Khali and Jimmy Uso v Camacho Man and Eric Young***

The match starts off with Jimmy Uso attacking Camacho Man, Jimmy shouts Uso and tags in Khali who doesn't look impressed. Khali chops Jimmy in the head and leaves the ring! Runjin Singh has a microphone;

Runjin: Khali says, he may not be Great anymore, but he isn't an Uso.

Jimmy Uso is flat on his back as Eric Young excitedly tags himself in, EY hooks the leg of Uso, one, two, three!

***Winners by pinfall, Camacho Man and Eric Young***

---------------------------------

Camacho Man and Eric Young are celebrating their victory backstage to the strains of the Village People. They link arms and do a country style barn dance as they sing.

Together! We will go our way.
Together! We will leave some day.
Together! Your hand in my hand.
Together! We will make the plans!

Camacho Man stops dancing and pats Eric Young on the chest. Camacho Man says that he has already made a plan, that he thinks Eric is going to love.

Eric Young : Tell me more, Tell me more.
Tell me what is your plan?
Tell me more, Tell me more
Tell me Camacho Man

Camacho Man says that now he and Eric Young have proved they are the greatest wrestlers in the world by defeating Khali and Jimmy Uso tonight, he thinks that they should go one on one and put on the greatest match of all time… to see who is the undisputed BEST wrestler in CSWDW! Young nods excitedly and they link arms.

Together! We will fly so high.
Together! Tell our peers goodbye.
Together! We will start life new.
Together… this is what we’ll do!

Eric Young stops dancing this time, and pokes Camacho Man. He says THIS is what we’ll do! Because he has an even better idea.

Camacho Man : Tell me more, tell me more.
What’s your better idea?
Tell me more, tell me more.
Shall we fight in Ikea?

Eric Young says they shouldn’t fight in Ikea, that’s ridiculous. But like Ikea, they should give the customers superb value for money… BY FIGHTING IN A BEST OF 5 SERIES MATCH TO DETERMINE THE BEST WRESTLER IN CSWDW!

Camacho Man and Eric Young jump up and down excitedly on the spot, then start to sing together to the tune of “Go West” again!

THE BEST! That is what we are!
THE BEST! We’re the best by far!
THE BEST! That’s what we’ll decide!
THE BEST! When we go best of 5!

They continue to sing and dance as Kelly Kelly watches them nervously from a distance

-----------------------------

***Pee Wee Herman vs The Hoff vs Flo Rida – To determine the Number One Contender to the Entertainer’s Championship***

Hasselhoff is first to come to the ring, and he drives Kit from Knight Rider into the arena, parking up beside the stage like Alberto Del Rio. He makes his way to the ring, tagging hands with the fans. Next up is Flo Rida who runs down the ramp and slides into the ring, going face to face with The Hoff. A whizz bang goes off, and Pee Wee Herman is next. He cycles out onto the ramp on his chopper (bike) but his face lights up as he sees Kit. Pee Wee jumps off his chopper (bike) and goes to look at Kit, saying “Wow. Cooooooool.” Kit says “Hello Pee Wee” which makes Pee Wee excited. “Wow a Talking Car”? To which Kit replies “I know you are, but what am I?”.

Pee Wee is infuriated that Kit stole his line and gets a pot of paint from his bicycle basket. Hoff is shouting up the ramp for Pee Wee to get away from his car. Pee Wee’s tongue waggles all over his lips as he jimmies the lid of the paint off then pours white gloss all over the shiny black car. Hoff puts his hands on his head in disbelief, then turns around to face Flo Rida who nails him with a big Spinebuster. Flo goes up top and lands a flying leg drop, then covers Hasselhoff. 1…..2…….3!

***Winner by pinfall, Flo Rida***

Coach: FLO RIDA WINS AND IS NUMBER ONE CONTENDER TO THE ENTERTAINERS TITLE!

Tenay: Jeez, there's no need to shout...

Tenay says that Flo Rida scored a big victory thanks to that distraction from Pee Wee Herman, who never even entered the match. Coach says that Hoff is going to be peeved with Pee Wee. Matter of fact, Kit is going to be peeved with Pee Wee Herman.

The camera cuts to Kit who is cursing in it’s robotic voice as Pee Wee laughs hysterically.

-----------------------------

David Otunga is sat backstage, he is singing to himself and is pretty upset;

Otunga: You were my sun, you were my earth
But you didn't know all the ways I loved you, no
So you took a chance and made other plans
But I bet you didn't think that they would come crashing down, no
All of these things people told me
Keep messin' with my head
You should've picked honesty
Then you may not have blown it, yeah
You don't have to say what you did
I already know, I found out from him
Now there's just no chance
For you and me, there'll never be
Don't it make you sad about it?
You told me you loved me
Why did you leave me all alone?
Now you tell me you need me
When you call me on the phone
But girl I refuse you must have me confused
With some other guy, the bridges were burned
And now it's your turn to cry
Cry me a river

The crowd erupt as Ron Simmons walks into the room to see Otunga singing, with full hand movements, fists clenched and eyes shut. Ron stares at Otunga in disgust.

"DAMN!"

Otunga jumps then looks sheepish as Ron stares at him.

---------------------------------

The live footage returns to two lecterns set up in the middle of the ring. Flavor Flav is stood behind one, and Boogeyman behind the other. Opposite them is a desk with Kermit the Frog sat behind.

Mike Tenay explains that we are having a debate next, between Flav and Boogeyman - and Kermit is the chair. Flav has his big clock hung around his neck, and Boogeyman has three alarm clocks in front of him.

Kermit welcomes us to the debate and explains the rules. Each man has 30 seconds on each topic then it passes for reply. Both men look pumped. Kermit asks the first question. "Why did Flava Flav attack Boogeyman at CSWDW Free Per View, costing him the World Title"

Boogeyman grabs an alarm clock and frantically winds it up to 30 seconds. Flava says he did it because Boogeyman tried to take his clock, and there aint nobody who takes Flav's clock. Flav stands down from his lectern and Boogeyman goes to speak. Flav cuts him off and says he's got 30 seconds. Boogeyman says Flav had finished but Flav shouts that he had 30 seconds, so they stand in silence for the remaining 15.

Boogeyman's clock rings and he responds. Flav winds his clock to 30 and enthusiatically raps the face with his knuckles. Boogeyman says that Flavor shouldn't have been there, then stands down from his lectern.

Kermit : Erm... You have 25 seconds left Boogeyman.

Flav : Is that all you've got Boog?

Boogeyman tells Flav to shut up, he's got 30 seconds. Flav gurns at his clock until it runs out.

Kermit : OK. Then I guess Boogeyman, why did you try to take his clock?

Flav theatrically winds his clock again, and raps the face of it with his knuckles even harder. FLAVOR FLAAAAAAAAV!

Boogeyman says that he ran out of clocks to hit his opponents with, and he looked over and saw Flav's. So he thought he'd help himself to it. Flav should have been a gentlemen-like fellow timekeep enthusiast, but he was a selfish....

Flav : TIME!

Boogeyman : Let me finish...

Flav : TIME!

Boogeyman picks up one of his alarm clocks in frustration and throws it at Flav.

Kermit : Oh dear.

Flav : Don't you do that to me Boogeyman!
Don't you do that to me Boogeyman!
Don't you do that now!
Don't you do that to me Boogeyman!
Don't you do that!
Don't you do that Boogeyman!
Don't you do that now

Boogeyman : TIME!
Flav : Don't you do that Boogeyman!
Boogeyman : TIME!
Flav : Don't you do that to me now.
Boogeyman : TIME!
Flav : Don't you do that Boogeyman.
Boogeyman : TIME!

Kermit : Erm... Were going to need a real timekeeper out here please?

With that, as Boogeyman and Flav argue, the blind Muppet walks out with a humongous clock.

Coach : What a massive Clock!
Tenay : Wow! A truly massive Clock!
Coach : That's turned heads!

As the Muppet struggles down the ramp with the clock, Flav and Boogeyman break free of their lecterns and both run to try and get the clock.

Coach : They've got clock envy!
Tenay : Can you blame them? His clock is bigger than Flav's and Boog's clocks put together.

Flav and Boogeyman tussle up the ramp, fighting over the clock. We go to an advert break as Flav shouts FLAVA FLAAAAAAAAAAV whilst they roll around on the floor exchanging punches.

---------------------------------

***The Ultimate Warrior, Kofi Kingston and Christian v Heath Slater, Cody Rhodes and Damien Sandow***

The match is mainly dominated by the team of Slater, Rhodes and Sandow as they isolate and beat down Kofi Kingston. They get a few near falls, but eventually Kofi is able to fight back. The turning point is when Kofi tags in Warrior, and all hell breaks loose! Warrior shakes the ropes, he goes berzerk! Warrior clotheslines Sandow, then Slater, then Rhodes, Warrior hits a press slam to Slater and another press slam to Rhodes! Warrior goes to hit Rhodes with the Warrior Splash, but as he runs to the ropes, he accidently knocks Christian off the apron! Warrior stops to check on Christian, who seems to be ok.

Coach: Sandow!

Damien Sandow sneaks up on Warrior as he checks on Christian, Sandow takes the arms of Warrior behind him and hits the Iron Lotus! Sandow pins Warrior, one, two, three!

***Winners by pinfall, Damien Sandow, Heath Slater and Cody Rhodes***

Sandow has a microphone, he says this week, CSWD wont be ending on a singalong, it will be ending with the sweet song that is Damien Sandow sending a message to The Ultimate Warrior. Sandow then thuds the microphone into the head of Warrior, knocking him out cold. Sandow holds up Warrior's CSWDW World Championship to a chorus of boos as the show goes off the air.

The show begins with Vickie Guerrero backstage. She announces that Team Vickie is hiring. She says that while David Otunga is leading Team Otunga into battle, she is a delicate flower, and she will instead have a representative compete on her behalf. The Team Captain of Team Vickie, Big Show! She will be in her office for anyone who wants to join Team Vickie.

……………………………………………………

The crowd boo as Damien Sandow walks out to the ring, he has a microphone and he says he has got what he wants, a one on one match with The Ultimate Warrior, and Sandow says he will become the CSWDW World Champion. Sandow says he is the anti-hero of CSWD, the one person that the management wouldn't want to win the main title around here, and he will disappoint a lot of people when he wins the gold. But as for tonight, he's got a warm up ahead of facing Warrior, so watch and enjoy.
Rosita walks out nervously, wearing Warrior style tassels with trunks and a vest, Sandow smirks as Rosita gets into the ring and even Coach on commentary is displeased.

Match 1 : Damien Sandow v The Ultimate Rosita

Sandow circles Rosita and grins as he goes for a hammerlock, the crowd boo very loudly and a loud "Warrior" chant echoes around the arena as Sandow nonchalantly shoves Rosita to the mat. The crowd erupt as Ultimate Warrior sprints down to the ring! Sandow quickly bails from the ring as Warrior checks on Rosita.

Warrior opens the ropes for Rosita to leave the ring, which she does, she stands on the apron and slaps Warrior across the face! Warrior turns around into a vicious chair shot to the skull from Sandow!

Tenay: Rosita was in on it all along!
Coach: What a setup Tenay, and you fell for it!
Tenay: Everyone fell for it...

***Result, no contest***

Warrior is flat on his back with blood seeping from his forehead, Sandow digs the chair into the ribs of Warrior a few times as the crowd jeer and boo, Sandow drops the chair and he and Rosita embrace! Rosita and Sandow kiss in the ring and Sandow raises his arms as EMT's come out to check on Warrior.

……………………………………………………

Footage cuts to a park, where Jimmy Uso is sat on the grass having a picnic. He has two plates laid out, one for him, and another for his Tamagotchi. The Tamagotchi bleeps and Uso laughs.

Uso : You sound like Ryback. “Feed me more”

Tamagotchi : Bleep Bleep Bleep

Uso : FEED ME MORE!

Tamagotchi : Bleep Bleep Bleep.

Jimmy Uso picks up the Tamagotchi and gives in a loving squeeze, before pressing the necessary buttons to feed it.

Ron Simmonds is jogging around the perimeter of the park and see Uso

Jimmy : Oh… hey Ron! Care to join us for a Tuna Fish Sandwich or two?

Simmonds continues jogging on.

Ron Simmonds : DAMN!

………………………………………………………………………………….

Vickie Guerrero is backstage with Big Show, when Kofi Kingston, Christian and Mick Foley walk in! Foley tells Vickie that he has had a blast in CSWDW and he would be honoured to be a part of Team Vickie. Kofi and Christian both offer their services as well. Kofi, Christian, Foley and Big Show all shake hands as Vickie comments they only need one more member.

There is a knock at the door as Heath Slater walks in. Slater says while he isn't exactly friends with the rest of them, he's not about what Team Otunga wants. Slater says he is the One Man Band, and only in CSWDW can he showcase what he is all about baby! Kofi, Big Show and Christian don't look too convinced but Foley being Foley, suggests Heath has a chance to prove himself, in a match tonight against a mystery opponent from Team Otunga! Vickie agrees and says if Heath beats the Team Otunga representative, he's in!

………………………………………………………………………………….

Match 2 : Camacho Man vs Eric Young – Best of Five Series - Bout II
(Camacho Man leands one to nothing)

We come back from an advert break and the ring has become a sandpit. Lillian Garcia announces that the next contest will be the second fall in the Best of 5 Series to determine the Greatest Wrestler in the World between Eric Young and Camacho Man! And it’s a SANDCASTLE MAKING COMPETITION!

Camacho Man is first out, and Lillian reminds us that he is 1-0 up in the competition after defeating Eric in last week’s Hot Dog Eating Contest. Camacho kicks some of the sand, and tests the consistency in his hand. He looks satisfied as Young’s music hits. Young comes to the ring accompanied by Kelly Kelly who is in a robe. Young gets into the ring, then gets down on his hands and knees, closely inspecting the sand, and he’s satisfied.

Lillian Garcia says that the winner is the man who can build 3 fully formed sandcastles the quickest, starting…. NOW!

It’s obvious from the off that Camacho Man possesses the greater Sandcastle making skill, and he erects his first with ease as Eric struggles. Camacho Man builds his second by time Young has his first up. As Camacho begins to build his third castle, Kelly Kelly whistles and drops her robe, revealing a bikini and thong combination. Camacho Man’s jaw drops as Kelly Kelly leans over the apron, shouting encouragement to Eric Young.

Sitting on the beaches,
Looking at the peaches

Camacho Man is transfixed on Kelly as the organ part of the song plays

Sitting on the beaches
Looking at the peaches

Camacho snaps out of it as Lillian Garcia announces "HERE IS YOUR WINNER….. ERIC YOUNG!"

Tenay : It’s One All in the series! Eric wins the Sandcastle building.

Coach : Camacho Man had it won, but then Kelly Kelly distracted him with her dis-robing. It didn't affect Eric’s concentration because he's seen it all before!

Tenay : Lucky guy.

Coach : Hey – there’s no luck in sandcastle building Mike!

***Result : Eric Young wins to make it 1-1 in the series***

………………………………………………………………………..

Flavor Flav is backstage with Lillian Garcia. Lillian asks Flavor if he plans to get his own back on Boogeyman for smashing him over the head with his clock last week. Flav laughs and says he already has got his own back. Because he played the Boogeyman at his own game, breaking into HIS house in the middle of the night when he was sleeping, and had a little rummage in the dark until he found Boogeyman’s clock, and then he messed that clock up real good. Flav says he changed the time on that clock, and now Boogeyman is going to be late for work, he’s not even going to be here tonight, and that means he’s not going to get paid.

Flav says he knows how expensive worms are these days, about £20 a kilo, and Boogeyman isn’t going to be able to afford any worms this week.

FLAVOR FLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAV!

Flav says that Boogeyman knows where he’ll be next week, and to try and make it on time!

…………………………………………………………………………


David Otunga is in the ring, wearing his cloak. He says that he will now introduce the fans of CSWD to his team that will compete against Team Vickie at the PPV.

Cody Rhodes music hits and Cody makes his way to the ring. Otunga introduces Rhodes, and says that Rhodes was unfairly subjected to a ridiculous “Phantom of the Opera” feud with Mick Foley, which had no basis in the “Phantom of the Opera” or any basis in reality whatsoever, and he was supposed to make that crap work? Rhodes gets in the ring and tags Otunga’s hand.

Terry Funk’s music hits and Otunga introduces the hardcore legend. Otunga tells the crowd that Funk has had enough of seeing Kevin Nash shake his booty at him every week, and that’s not what he became a wrestler for. Funk will WRESTLE at the PPV.

Spud is next out. Otunga says that squashing Eric Young dressed as Danny Zukko every week was about as entertaining as Grease 2 – and Spud says enough is enough!

And finally, Khali walks out to the ring. Otunga says that perhaps Khali has suffered the most. Borderline racist feuds over onion bhajis, and the ultimate dishonour of having to dress like Kylie Minogue. Otunga says that Khali is a beast, that Khali should be the most dominant force in the company, not some karaoke singing joke. And he says Khali will prove that next, against any opponent from out back.

Otunga raises the arms of all the men in the line, and introduces Team Otunga – the team who will be having the last laugh, at Vickie Guerrero’s expense for a change!

Otunga, Rhodes, Funk and Spud jump out of the ring and stand either side of it as Khali gets ready for his opponent.

“One Man Band” plays and Heath Slater steps out onto the stage, mic in hand.

Slater : Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeellllllll. Looky what we have here. It’s usually me who’s calling out anyone from backstage, BUT NOOOO, today its Khali stealing MA GIMMICK!. But lemme ask you David. Wha’m I not on your stoopid team anyway? I’m the One Man Band Baby! WOOOOOOOOOOH! And me and you go waaaaaay back, remember Nexus? Remember The Corrrrrrrrre? But ‘salright. Ah’m sposed to be proving that I’m good enough for Team Vickie by beating a mystery opponent. But I’ll prove it by beating this BIG GUY RIGHT HERE! I’ll prove to y’all what y’all missing now, by BEATING UP KHALI! Then Ah’m gonna be signed up to Team Vickie and I’ll beat YOU ALL! There ain’t anything wrong with a bit of singing anyway. ASK YOUR WIFE!

Match 3 : Heath Slater vs Khali

Slater gets in the ring and the bell goes. Slater attempts some quick offence but doesn’t make any impact on Khali. Khali throws Slater to the otherside of the ring. Khali dominates Slater for a large portion of the match. Slater lands a dropkick to Khali’s knee, grounding him then goes up top. Khali bounces into the ropes to straddle Slater on the top rope, then grabs him by the throat.

Tenay : Looks like Slater is going for a Chokeslam from the top here!

Coach : No! What a move!

Slater breaks free and hits his Neckbreaker finisher from the top rope. Slater covers 1…..2……..3!

Tenay : WHAT A WIN FOR HEATH SLATER!

Coach : Slater wants in on Team Vickie, and he’s just proven his credentials by beating Otunga’s beast!

Slater looks out at Otunga.

Slater : I told y’all I’m good baby. Ah’m the beyst! You got mah digits Vickie. Call me! And David…. I was joking about asking your wife. Whadda she even know about singing anyway? She cayn’t even!

Otunga’s had enough and he, Funk, Rhodes and Spud slide into the ring, but Slater leaps the ropes and scarpers off into the crowd. He sits on top of the fan barrier and plays his air guitar whilst Otunga fumes. Rhodes calls over Otunga and whispers something in his ear, and Otunga smiles and tells the rest. Otunga then leads his men to the back.

Otunga shouts at Slater, and says that he can win tonight, Team Otunga call it a night, but will be back next week!

***Result – Heath Slater wins***

………………………………………………………………………………..

Boogeyman is shown leaving a bait shop in town, empty handed and frustrated

....................................................................

Main Event : William Shatner v Pee Wee Herman v The Hoff

Coach and Tenay mention how all three of these men are after a shot at Flo Rida's Entertainers Championship, and how a win tonight would put them in the frame for a title match.

Hoff and Pee Wee double team Shatner but within seconds of the match starting, all 5 members of Team Otunga have returned to hit the ring, clearly bluffing at the end of Slater vs Khali! Otunga, Cody Rhodes, Terry Funk, Khali and Spud attack the three entertainers with stomps and punches, the crowd are violently booing as blood begins to flow from all three entertainers, David Otunga gets a microphone and begins to speak.

Otunga: Are you not entertained?! The era of entertainment is over in CSWDW, and it begins with the "Entertainers" Division. Flo Rida may be the champion of this joke division but there can't be a division without participants...

Otunga says Team Otunga do not care who is on Team Vickie, because whoever they choose, he guarantees they will not be able to stop the Otunga juggernaut. Otunga ends the show by telling the fans that the days of Kevin Nash dancing to crappy techno music are long gone, the only sweet song anyone will hear in CSWDW is the sound of Vickie Guerrero crying when she is unemployed.