Things that are unlikely to happen this season.

June
Stoke are still struggling to find a replacement for Tony Pulis. Swansea’s Michael Laudrup is initially appointed, but the Dane resigns after his first training session. “I cannot work with these people,” Laudrup complains. “They didn’t even know what a one-two was.” Meanwhile, Jose Mourinho returns to Chelsea, declaring an end to boardroom politics. “I am sick of sending messages through the media,” he says. “I had enough of that at Inter. Which is a club where I am still adored and where I hope to return one day. It is no secret that I dream of managing in Serie A again. Maybe it will happen this season. Maybe not. I am tired of playing games.”
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July
Rio Ferdinand belatedly announces his retirement from football. “I had intended to do it at the end of the season,” he says. “But I’ve got so much on in my life, with my Twitter and my businesses and my little man, that it just slipped my mind. I was in the gym the other day and suddenly remembered I was supposed to be retiring.” Meanwhile, after buying Falcao and Joao Moutinho, cash-rich Monaco make their most audacious signing yet. “I’m delighted to be bringing my own footballing vision to the principality,” says new manager Tony Pulis, who duly forks out €50 million in an audacious triple swoop for Jonathan Walters, Ryan Shawcross and Kenwyne Jones.
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August
The Premier League finally bows to pressure from clubs and introduces a winter break. “Keeping players fresh during the season will give us the best possible chance of reaching the World Cup quarter-finals in 2014,” says chief executive Richard Scudamore.
 
Meanwhile, as Celtic wrap up the Scottish Premier League title with nine months remaining, manager Neil Lennon denies the division has become less competitive without Rangers. “There are no easy games in Scottish football,” he said after his side’s 14-0 win over Partick Thistle. “Now we can concentrate on our vital Champions League play-off against Viking Hafnarfjörður of Iceland.”
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September
England’s preparations for the game against Moldova suffer a setback when Roy Hodgson withdraws from the squad. “Obviously I’m gutted to be missing out, but it’s crucial I give my unspecified injury the rest it needs,” Hodgson says, before flying out to the Middle East to do punditry for Al Jazeera. Meanwhile, there is revolt at Sunderland, with rumours that Paolo Di Canio’s autocratic style is out of control. “We’re not allowed to go home any more,” one player says under condition of anonymity. “We have to sleep at the training ground. Anybody who speaks out gets purged. Carlos Cuellar complained about the gruel last week. He’s not been seen since.”
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October
History is made at White Hart Lane when Tottenham and West Ham play out the first Premier League game in which every single minute of the match is marked by commemorative applause. The latest memorial is to Goldilocks, Kevin Nolan’s late pet budgie, who died at the age of just 89 days. Both sets of fans impeccably observe a minute’s applause during the 89th minute. But West Ham manager Sam Allardyce angrily condemns a minority of Tottenham “idiots” who ruin the tribute by cheering their side’s late winner. “It makes you wonder about our society,” he says.
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November
England are 1-0 up at Wembley in a World Cup qualification play-off against Croatia when Luka Modric strikes a shot that hits the bar and bounces over the line. The referee initially waves play on, but the new technology alerts him to the fact that a goal has been scored. England go on to lose, and the backlash is savage.
 
“Our brave boys have been cheated out of Brazil 2014 by Sepp Blatter’s Fifa cronies,” reads one tabloid editorial. “Nobody in this country wanted goal-line technology. When will the Euro-crats learn to stop meddling with our game?” Roy Hodgson is sacked as manager, only to be swiftly reinstated when Steve McClaren emerges as an early favourite."  
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December
The first ever Premier League winter break sees clubs leaving the country for some much-needed relaxation. Manchester United take a short holiday in the Middle East, punctuated only by occasional lucrative friendlies against Qatar, Kuwait, Yemen, the United Arab Emirates and a Saudi Oil Tycoon XI. Meanwhile, Liverpool’s tour of Latin America hits a snag when Uruguay refuse to let Luis Suárez leave. It takes all of Brendan Rodgers’ powers of negotiation to broker a settlement: Suárez returns to Liverpool, while Jordan Henderson says he is “chuffed” with his new Uruguayan citizenship.
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January
The transfer window sees Tony Pulis’s French revolution continuing apace, with Monaco adding Robert Huth, Peter Crouch and Glenn Whelan to their star-studded squad. QPR sign Kaka, Emmanuel Adebayor, Kolo Toure and Michael Essien in an attempt to haul themselves out of the Championship relegation zone. “We’re still short of quality in one or two areas,” Harry Redknapp says. Meanwhile, after joining Fulham on a six-month loan deal, Robbie Keane announces that he will not be celebrating any goal he scores, in case he happens to be playing a former club. “Ah, I’ve played for so many it’s hard to keep count, you know?” he says. “Who have we got Saturday? Everton? Don’t think I played for them. Did I?”
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February
Things are going from bad to worse for Jose Mourinho at Chelsea. After a series of terse exchanges with the media, Mourinho announces that he will no longer be answering questions at press conferences, and that henceforth all enquiries are to be directed to Yabo, an indigenous Amazonian child seated next to him.
 
Yabo proves an instant hit, despite only knowing one phrase in English (“Demba’s tweaked a hammy, but fingers crossed he’ll train this afternoon”), and lasts just under a month in the job before resigning when a bit of “harmless banter” from John Terry goes badly wrong.
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March
In the early hours of the morning, United Nations special forces storm Sunderland’s Academy of Light training ground and liberate all 38 footballers imprisoned inside. After a stand-off, manager Paolo di Canio is finally apprehended at Durham Tees Valley Airport, trying to board a flight to Mexico. A costly show trial follows at The Hague, where the full scale of the atrocities committed by Di Canio and his henchmen is revealed: 6am starts, all-night video analysis sessions, 15-mile runs in the freezing cold and brandings for lateness. Di Canio is convicted on multiple charges of crimes against footballer comfort, and sentenced to 25 more years as Sunderland manager.
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April
Harry Redknapp refuses to accept blame for QPR’s relegation to League One. “At the start of the season, we had zero points, zero wins, zero goals,” he says. “It was always going to be uphill.” Meanwhile, the PFA is in hot water after its controversial choice of after-dinner speaker. “We regret any offence caused by inviting BNP leader Nick Griffin to speak at the Footballer of the Year ceremony. Mr Griffin was booked on the basis of his charismatic appearance on Question Time. We would like to reassure our foreign members that they are very welcome to remain in this country.”
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May
As Monaco saunter to the French title, Tony Pulis is feted as one of the best managers in Europe. Some critics wonder aloud whether he could reproduce his unique “kick-et-rush” style on a balmy Sunday night at the Nou Camp, but Pulis is given the chance to prove them wrong, when Barcelona appoint him as their new manager on a four-year contract. “I’m determined to get this football club playing my way,” Pulis says while unveiling new signings Steven Nzonzi and Geoff Cameron. “Lionel Messi’s already working on his flick-ons. It’s been a while, but the long ball is finally back in fashion.”