A Day in the Life of John Cena

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8:00am – BRRRRR SHABADOOO! I get woken up by my trademark John Cena alarm clock – retail price $28.00 (of which I get 25%) - and hurl it at the wall. It shatters into a thousand tiny pieces, leaving a kaleidoscope of fluorescent colours on my bedroom floor. The housekeeper can throw it in the garbage later and replace it with a new one, there’s plenty more where that John Cena alarm clock came from.

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8:03am – After taking a few minutes to clear the fog from my mind I look over to see Nikki Bella laying face down on the bed. At least I think it’s her, I really can’t tell the Bellas apart which is why I convinced Nikki to get that boob job. Not only does John Cena love the boobies, but it helps me keep track of which twin is mine. The twin I think is Nikki stirs and turns to face me. HELLO BOOBIES! Yep, it’s Nikki alright. “Good morning baby” she mumbles. “Good morning booby....umm I mean baby” I reply. She goes back to lying on her front and I can’t resist slapping the STF on her. For some reason she doesn’t tap out immediately despite being placed in the most excruciating submission hold known to man.

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8:06am – Annoyed and slightly disturbed that Nikki somehow withstood the STF, I release the hold and throw back my trademark John Cena bedding – retail price $133.99 (of which I get 25%) - and head for the shower. I’ll have to ask Michael Cole if the STF is indeed the most excruciating submission hold known to man. Seeing the remains of my alarm clock on the floor reminds me that I need to get in touch with Vince about sending another truckload of my merchandise round to the house.

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8:21am – I return to the bedroom and check my cellphone. I have 46 missed calls from Vince McMahon, all within the last 15 minutes. I call him back:

“Hey Vince”.

“John? Oh my God John! You’re alright! I was so worried about you! I called and you didn’t answer so then I called again and you STILL didn’t answer and I was so worried! I was just about to call the police, the FBI, the CIA, Interpol and the Thunderbirds when you called back!”

“Yeah Vince I was in the shower”.

“In the shower! He was in the shower! ~ LINDA! HEY LINDA! LINDA IT’S ALRIGHT! JOHN WAS JUST IN THE SHOWER! HE’S OKAY! LINDA? LINDA! LINDA GET OUT OF THE LIQUEUR CABINET DAMMIT IT’S 8 IN THE MORNING! ~ So how are you John? Did you sleep well? I was thinking about you last night. Were you thinking about me? I miss you. Do you miss me?”

“Umm... sure Vince, I miss ya”.

“I MISS YOU TOO JOHN! Are you going to be at RAW tonight? I will be I hope you are too”.

“Yes Vince, I’ll be there. See you later”

“Bye John, see you tonight. I can’t wait to see what you’re wearing. I love you”.

“....... Bye”.

“GOODBYE MY LOVE!”

I hang up.

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8:30am – I make my way downstairs for breakfast dressed in my trademark John Cena t-shirt, baseball cap, dogtags and sweatbands – retail price $68.96 (of which I get 25%) - topped off with a pair of jean shorts and Reebok pumps. I’m also wearing knee pads despite not actually having to wrestle yet. I’m reminded of the time I turned up for my grandmother’s funeral wearing my merchandise. The rest of the family weren’t too happy about it but Vince wants me wearing my gear in public at ALL times and he’s the boss so I do what he says. I have a meeting with the marketing department later about some new merchandise they’re bringing out for me. It’ll probably look atrocious but whatever man; just give me my damn money.

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8:55am – I finish my breakfast of Pop Tarts, spaghetti hoops and Sunny Delight just as Nikki makes her way downstairs. I stare at her and think to myself that maybe I got the ugly twin. She mentions something about an engagement ring and this confirms it. Curse you Daniel Bryan! Why can’t I be with Brie? She’s so hot. She does have small boobies though, it’s her one flaw. A thought occurs to me: Imagine Brie’s face on Nikki’s body! I break out into a huge grin and Nikki picks up on it. “What are you grinning about honey?” The grinning stops immediately. I stare at her coldly. I reply “Nothing babe” but I really want to tell her to shut her hole and mind her own business. WHY CAN’T YOU BE BRIE DAMN YOU?!

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9:00am – I trudge back upstairs to brush my teeth as Nikki makes a phone call. I hear her whisper “I think today’s the day! He was grinning away to himself so I think he’s going to ask me today!” Great, she thinks I’m going to propose. That’s all I need. Will I never hear the end of her incessant whining about getting married? Daniel Bryan put this notion in her head when he proposed to my beautiful Brie. He will pay. But that’s for later, I gotta hit the gym.

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9:05am – As I’m making my way out the door I receive a picture message from Vince. I know I probably shouldn’t open it but I’m intrigued as to what he’s sending this time.

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9:06am – I wish I hadn’t bothered. It’s a nude picture of Vince covering his modesty with a trademark John Cena Brawlin’ Buddy – retail price $34.99 (of which I get 25%) – with the caption “Don’t you wish your girlfriend was hot like me? How’d you like to be this Brawlin’ Buddy? x x x x x”. No Vince, I wish my girlfriend was hot like Brie. A dark funk envelops me as I picture my darling Brie frolicking with that bearded midget.

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9:15am – I pull up at the gym and get the guy at the door to park my Dodge Challenger SRT8 round the back. He holds his hand out expecting some kind of tip. As if bub! I whip out a Sharpie and autograph his hand. “Now you can sell it on eBay!” I yell as I walk away laughing. That’s cheered me up no end; I can’t even remember what I was depressed about.

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10:30am – I finish my workout early and head back home. I’m expecting a special delivery so I want to make sure I’m at the house when it arrives. I turn up the stereo and my award winning album “You Can’t See Me” blares through the Harman/Kardon speakers. This sh*t never gets old; it still sounds as fresh now as it did back in 2005. It’s times like this that I miss my days as the world’s leading rapper. That rap I did about Stephanie McMahon being so hot was probably my finest hour as an artist. Even if it was Stephanie who wrote it.

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10:39am – I make it home to find two packages waiting for me. One of them is expected, the other not so much. It’s huge whatever it is. I open the first package and - as anticipated - it’s a special delivery of ster.....umm vitamins from Vince. There’s a handwritten note inside from the man himself: “Here are your vitamins to go along with your training and saying your prayers! Hope you don’t have to take a Wellness test any time soon !!! x x x x x”. Ha! Vince can be a funny guy when he’s not worshipping me incessantly.

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10:42am – I turn my attention to the mystery package, a giant wooden crate. I manage to open it and I’m astounded by what I see: It’s a 9 foot tall ivory statue of me and Vince McMahon coiled in a lover’s embrace. I’ve never seen anything like it in my life. I mean..... what the hell?

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10:56am – After sitting and staring at the statue for a few minutes I try to figure out what I’m going to do with it. It can’t stay here, Brie might come round to visit Nikki and if she sees it then I’ve got no chance to woo her and win her heart from that scraggly vegan barsteward. I’ll stick it in one of the garages for the moment.

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11:11am – After a hell of a struggle I’ve put the statue out of sight under lock and key. At first I welcomed Vince’s attention but it’s all getting to be a bit too much. Then again, he is the boss so I have to do what he says. When he asks about the statue I’ll tell him I love it.

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11:12am – I’m feeling a bit uncomfortable so I decide to head round to Randy Orton’s house. He’s my best friend in the world so he’ll find a way to cheer me up. As I open the gate to the Orton estate, he comes running out wielding a shotgun: “GIT OFF MAH PROPERDY!” he yells. “Randy it’s me! It’s John Cena!” Randy’s face breaks out into a toothless grin “Well hell Johnboy, git your ass on over here! How the hell ya bin?” In real life, Randy is nothing like how he appears on TV. He’s dressed in a stained wife beater vest, ripped denim shorts that are being held up by twine and he’s barefoot. His feet are filthy. His hair is snow white and unkempt and he’s got a straggly white beard. Every time I go round to see him at his home I’m amazed at the job he does to get himself presentable for TV. I enter Randy’s shack.

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11:42am – I’ve been at Randy’s for half an hour now and he’s managed to completely turn my mood around; I’m laughing like a loon. Although it could be the pure moonshine and crack cocaine that Randy keeps plying me with that’s pulled me out of the doldrums. I catch the end of Randy’s anecdote “....then he dragged me out of the creek, cracked open the bourbon and we sang every Willie Nelson song we could think of! HEE-HEE!” I envy Randy and his happiness, although there’s a serious matter I need to address.

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11:58am – I’ve waited a few minutes for the effects of the moonshine and crack to wear off slightly, although I’m still buzzing like Lightyear. Get it together John! “Randy, I need to talk to you”. Recognising the serious tone in my voice, Randy puts down the rattlesnake he was playing catch with and listens intently. “Randy, you’re on two strikes already so you need to be really careful before the Wellness Policy catches you out again. Three strike and you’re out pal”. Randy sits silently and nods. I’ve obviously struck a chord. Suddenly the silence is shattered by Randy leaping off his beer crate hooting and hollering and dancing a jig! “HOO-HOO JOHNBOY! I’LL BE A GODAMNED SONOFAGUN! HEE-HEE! WELLNESS POLICY?! I’VE FAILED THAT DANG WELLNESS TEST MORE TIMES THAN YOU’VE BROUGHT OUT T-SHIRTS DAGNABBIT! THEY AIN’T NEVER GONNA GIVE ME THREE STRIKES! HOO-HOO!” I’m overjoyed. Randy is in the same boat as me, he can never be fired. We’re untouchable. We’re untouchable but we’re forcing you to feel us! I down some moonshine whilst Randy lights up the crack pipe.

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1:30pm – I leave Randy’s as he cackles on the porch and fires his shotgun into the air. God love him. I get back to the house to find Nikki trying on wedding dresses. I pretend that I don’t see her and shout to her that I’ve got to make some appearances so she’ll have to make her own way to RAW. In truth, I can’t be bothered with her constant screeching about weddings and the like. I bet Goatface never had this much trouble with my lovely Brie.

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1:45pm – Vince calls. “So did you get my package John?” then he starts giggling.

“Yes Vince, I got your package”.

“.... I wish I could get your package....”

“What?!”

“What? Oh.... umm.... nothing! So what did you think of the statue?”

“I.....”

“You hate it don’t you?! I knew you’d hate it! I told Triple H whilst we were posing for it that you’d hate it!”

“You posed for the statue with Triple H?”

“Well of course, the sculptor needed a guide and I couldn’t ask you to pose with me, it’d ruin the surprise dammit! That’s why I made him cut his hair, so he could more closely resemble you!”

“Uhh...... okay. I love the statue Vince, thank you”.

“You do? You’re not just saying that?”

“No Vince, I really do love it”

“HAHA! HE LOVES IT! I KNEW YOU WOULD LOVE IT! LINDA! HEY LINDA! JOHN LOVES THE STATUE! LINDA? LINDA! GODAMMIT LINDA! John I’ve got to go, Linda’s trying to drink my cologne! Goodbye John. I love you”.

“Umm..... bye Vince”.

Well he bought it; he thinks I love the statue. Must be down to my superior acting skills which made ‘The Marine’ and ’12 Rounds’ such raging successes.

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3:11pm – I’ve spent the last hour and a half or so doing appearances. A couple of radio stations, 5 magazine interviews and a TV spot for the Susan G. Komen Foundation. Every October WWE goes pink to raise awareness about breast cancer. All the WWE Superstars and Divas have some form of pink on their merchandise for the month and proceeds from sales go to the Komen Foundation. Except mine that is, I keep all the money from my sales. Hey, I don’t got breast cancer.

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3:30pm – I show up for my meeting to find Vince, Stephanie and Triple H already there. An uncomfortable looking Steph and a pleased as punch Hunter are sitting on Vince’s lap but as soon as I enter the room he pushes Hunter to the floor and pats his knee “Here John, take a seat”. I decline as he’s dressed only in Speedos and appears to be somewhat aroused. Triple H dusts himself down and goes to sit glumly in the corner. The rest of the attendees show up and Steph jumps off Vince’s knee and sits at the table. Just as the meeting is about to get underway, a secretary walks in to tell Vince that his son Shane is here to see him. Vince looks up to see Shane standing in the doorway. “TELL HIM I’M NOT HERE DAMMIT!” bellows Vince. The secretary goes over to tell Shane and he starts jumping up and down yelling “Dad! Hey Dad! DAD! DAD! DAD!” before he is promptly escorted off the premises by security.

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3:34pm – After that interruption the meeting gets underway. The first point of business is Vince wanting to change the name of the company to World Cena Entertainment. The motion doesn’t carry, and judging by the look in Vince’s eyes, heads are going to roll. Next on the agenda is the plans for TLC, specifically my match with Randy Orton. “So what are we going to do?” asks Vince. Triple H pipes up in the corner: “How about Randy wins at TLC then John beats him in a rematch at the Royal Rumble? It’ll be unexpected and it might pop a buyrate for the next pay per view”. A hush descends over the room.

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3:55pm – Well this is awkward. Vince exploded at Hunter’s suggestion, threw a chair right across the room which hit Trips smack dab on his massive schnozz. Vince then leapt across the table and started pummelling Triple H around the head with a John Cena skateboard – retail price $119.99 (of which I get 25%). It’s now 20 minutes later and Vince has returned to the table whilst Hunter whimpers in the corner. “So...... I’ll ask again; what are we going to do about TLC?” Vince asks with menace in his voice. Steph pipes up “Umm...... Cena wins?” Vince explodes with joy “GREAT IDEA STEPHANIE! I LOVE IT! I LOVE IT!” Steph looks pleased with herself, with no thought to her husband who appears to be losing a lot of blood.

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4:08pm – The plans for TLC are locked and loaded, Triple H has dragged himself off to the emergency room and now it’s time to talk merchandise. After a brief interlude so we can all eat protein bars and toast (Vince LOVES toast, he’s a total toast fiend), a team of around 20 people enter the room. Following the introductions they get right down to business. The colour scheme for my new merchandise is luminous yellow and brown with the usual slogans “The Champ is Here!” and “You Can’t See Me”. Meh.

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4:21pm – So we’ve been through the designs for the t-shirts, caps, sweatbands etc. and now it’s time for the more ‘out there’ merchandise. First up is a John Cena torch. It comes with the blurb: “You can’t see John Cena, but now you CAN see everything in the dark with this fantastic John Cena torch!” Next up is a John Cena chess set, with a replica figurine of me as the king. Suck on that Jerry Lawler! I jokingly tell one of the marketing people that you’d better be able to win with 5 moves but she looks at me like I STF’d her puppy. Ha! That’d show her! Mental note: find out if this chick has a puppy and if she does STF it.

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4:33pm – The merchandise goes on; a John Cena potty (Tag line: “The Dump is Here!”), John Cena pyjamas, a John Cena blankie, a John Cena plastic dining set, a John Cena lunch box, John Cena crayons and John Cena Stickle Bricks. Vince wants to release replica figures of that statue he sent me earlier but fortunately the marketing people point out the fact that it won’t correspond with our target audience. Thank f**k for that!

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4:57pm – We’re almost done when Vince pipes up “What about a toaster? A John Cena toaster that toasts John’s face onto bread!” After a brief confab comes the reply “Sure, we can do that Vince”. “OUTSTANDING!” roars Vince. He’s happy because now he gets to combine two of his favourite passions: me and toast.

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5:01pm – The meeting is over and on the way out I bump into Michael Cole. We haven’t seen each other in a week or so and he asks me how I’m doing. I tell him I had a cold earlier in the week but I’m over the worst of it now. He shouts that it’s incredible that I prevailed against all odds to defeat the cold. I tell him that I took some Lemsip and it seems to be working. “Ladies and gentlemen, John Cena has SINGLE-HANDEDLY conquered the cold! Vintage Cena!” I ask him who he’s talking to and he yelps something about the WWE Universe and tells them to download the app. I make my excuses and leave. Cole continues shouting himself hoarse about my triumph over the cold.

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5:14pm – Nikki calls me on my cellphone. She’s moaning that she’s not Diva’s Champion and says I should do something about it. I ask her what she expects me to do, AJ Lee deserves to be champion. “The Undertaker got a title created for HIS other half!” comes the reply. Damn, I was hoping she wouldn’t bring that up. I tell her I’ll see what I can do.

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6:00pm – I get to the arena and am met by one of the backstage staffers carrying a bunch of new merchandise. “They want you to put this on!” I eye up the new t-shirt: it’s a fluorescent blue and burnt orange number with “NEVER BACK UP! NEVER GIVE DOWN!” written on it. Now they can’t even get my catchphrases right. The lackey runs off. These people always seem to be running. I find out later that the poor guy got fired for perving at Stephanie McMahon. Vince caught him at it, incidentally whilst he was doing the exact same thing. Better her than me, although I know he’ll be undressing me with his eyes soon enough.

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6:09pm – I take a wander down to ringside, where I find my darling Brie practicing with that beardy weirdy Daniel Bryan. She’s trying to improve her in-ring skills. I admire her willingness to improve. And also her ass. You could crack an egg on that butt. I’m snapped out of my daydream by Daniel, who shouts a greeting. “F**k you Bryan!” I shout back. He laughs. Brie laughs too. A laugh that sounds like a thousand angels singing. It’s glorious. I hear her say “That John, he’s such a kidder” and Daniel nods in agreement. They get back to their training, with Daniel showing Brie a move I’m later told is called a Small Package. Ha! One day I’ll show her my small package..... I mean big package. Huge package. ENORMOUS package! Yeah that’s it, enormous.

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6:14pm – I meet Linda McMahon in the hallway. She’s holding a bottle of gin in one hand and a huge cigar in the other. She’s swaying from side to side so it’s safe to say she’s had a few. “Hi Linda” I say. “Who shaid that? John? John Shena ish that you? Well hallo John! Mmm you look good! I can shee what Vinsh shees in you! He friggin lovesh you John! He won’t even look at me anymore! But thash okay! I got my gin and I got my shigars. And I got the 70 million dollarsh he shpent on my Shenate campaign!” I look at her in stunned silence. “Oh you didn’t know? Your ash better call shomebody! Wait that’sh the other guy. Yeah I told Vinsh to give me money for my Shenate campaign but I actually kept the money for myshelf! I’m gonna run away with Josh Matthewsh! We’re in love! Sho you can have Vinsh all to yourshelf John Shena! I.... am.... outta here!” Linda then keels over.

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6:25pm – I have to go and meet one of those Make a Wish kids and his parents. I arm myself to the teeth with John Cena merchandise; folks are always willing to fork out top dollar for their sick kid. I think they think it makes them look like good, caring parents. Whatever man, it bumps up my royalty cheque.

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6:30pm – So the kid’s name is Tommy and he’s got terminal explosive diarrhoea. Seemingly it’s incurable and the doctors say he hasn’t got long left. He’d better be around long enough for his parents to buy my stuff. They approach me with nervous smiles. “Thank you so much for doing this, he’s your biggest fan!” they say. I’m wary. “Yeah? How many of my t-shirts does he own?” “Oh, he’s got them all!” This pleases me. “HEY TIMMY! HOW YA DOIN’ BUDDY? YOU KEEP FIGHTING PAL! NEVER GIVE UP!” The kid smiles weakly. What gets me is that these kids can wish for ANYTHING and they decide they want to meet ME. How about wishing for a cure for explosive diarrhoea instead?!

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6:32pm – Having done my duty and met the kid, I leave him and his parents and head to catering to get a sandwich. I made an absolute killing off them, they bought ALL the merchandise! Suckers. I bump into Dolph Ziggler, who I’ll be facing tonight on RAW. He wants to go over some ideas he has for our match. I decide to humour him. He proceeds to outline an intense back and forth battle, full of intricate twists and turns. He finishes with a “So whaddaya think?” I pause, as a wolfish grin slowly spreads across my face: “Yeah we could definitely do that” – he starts beaming – “OR.... we could have you beating me up for 10 minutes before I make the comeback and win with the Attitude Adjustment”. He looks crestfallen. “But.... but..... that won’t do anything for me!” he whines. “Sorry kid, you got the wrong guy. Go talk to Vince if you don’t like it”. He claims that’s exactly what he’s going to do and runs off. Good luck with that one Douche Ziggler.

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6:41pm – I get informed that Vince wants to see me in his office. I march in to find Vince sitting at his desk and Dolph looking visibly upset. “Dolph....~ that is your name right?... ~ Dolph here tells me that he wants to have an intense back and forth match-up and you nixed the idea?” I can sense where this is heading. “I’m just doing what I thought you’d want Vince”. “YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT THAT’S WHAT I WANT! WHO THE HELL IS THIS JOBBER?! YOU WANT TO HAVE A BACK AND FORTH MATCH WITH JOHN CENA?! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? JOHN NEEDS TO LOOK STRONG DAMMIT! SO HE’S BEATING YOU! AND BECAUSE OF YOUR INSUBORDINATION HE’S KICKING OUT OF YOUR FINISHER, WHATEVER IT IS! GET OUT OF MY SIGHT! AND BE THANKFUL YOU’RE NOT FIIIIIAAAAUUUURGHED!” Dolph leaves the office in a flood of tears. I feel kinda bad for him but as the other guy said he’s got to know his role.

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6:46pm – I’m lying on a couch in Vince’s office, with my head resting in his lap. He spends the next 20 minutes trying to placate me for the unpleasantness with Dolph Ziggler. He offers me a bumper new contract, a bigger cut of my merchandise sales (YES!) and he says I’ll be winning all of the current WWE titles at Wrestlemania 30. He even says he’ll bring back some old titles for me to win plus he’ll revive WCW just so I can put it out of business again single-handedly. I tell him that’ll do for starters. Vince then proceeds to stroke my hair and sing “When We Dance” by Sting softly into my ear.

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7:11pm – I’ve got 49 minutes to get ready before RAW goes on the air. It shouldn’t be a problem seeing as I’m wearing all my gear already. A gopher runs up cradling some new merchandise. They want me to wear it tonight. “But I’ve already brought out 2 t-shirts today!” I tell the dogsbody. “I know, but they told me they’ve just designed this stuff and want you to wear it!” The colour scheme is plum and lime green. It’s f**king hideous. I look at the slogan on the shirt: “HUSTLE. LOYALTY. THE OTHER THING”. They’re not even trying anymore. I sigh. “Whatever man, just give me my damn money” I reply to the minion as he runs off. I find out later that the guy got fired for NOT perving at Stephanie McMahon.

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7:21pm – Decked out in my new trademark John Cena t-shirt, baseball cap, dogtags and sweatbands – retail price $79.99 (of which I now get 50%) – I go over my 20 minute promo that will open RAW. I toy with the idea of going old school and walking out in the local team’s colours for the cheap pop, but veto that idea for two reasons: Number one, the fans will see right through it and boo me anyway. And more importantly, if I’m not wearing one of my t-shirts then people might not buy it. And that is simply unacceptable. Plum and lime green it is!

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7:37pm – I’ve got the promo down pat. I’ll go out and shout a bit then talk quietly then shout again then whisper a few words before ending on a lot of shouting. I must remember to throw in something about never giving back and never downing up..... dammit now I’m at it! THAT’S why these merchandise people need to get my catchphrases right! Any time I get lost for words I just look down and yell whatever’s written on my t-shirt.

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7:54pm – I’m waiting for the red light to hit and Randy Orton sidles up to me. “Hey John, how ya doin’?” He’s using his TV voice just in case anyone hears us. I turn to face him. He looks immaculate. His hair is trimmed, he’s had a shave and his body is tanned and glistening with nary a hair on it. He flashes me a diamond white smile; he’s got his teeth in. My God, this man is pristine! “Hey Randy, sup?” “Nothing much man. Just been winding up Kofi Kingston, saying that I’m gonna get him fired”. Ever since we teamed up to get rid of Ken Kennedy this has been our favourite game; threatening the mid-carders with getting fired. Randy’s the master at it. The other day he reduced the Miz to tears with his threats, had him calling up TNA looking for employment and everything! Kofi walks past, so Randy and I just glare at him mouthing the word “Fired!” over and over again. Kofi is so distracted by us he ends up tripping over Linda McMahon. She’s lying on the ground in a pool of her own vomit, alternating between throwing up and swigging from a bottle of hooch in a brown paper bag, whilst slurring the words to Demolition’s entrance theme.

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8:00pm – Showtime! My Grammy award winning (at least that’s what Vince told me, although I’ve never actually seen the award) entrance theme hits and the crowd goes apesh*t. With the once again prestigious World Heavyweight Championship around my waist I enter the arena to a chorus of boos. Maybe I should have worn the local colours after all. I make my way down the ramp and check out all the signs; the usual suspects of “FU Cena”, “Cena Sucks”, and “Cena Nuff” are out in force. Yeah like I give a sh*t. A fat slob yells “You suck Cena! You suck!” Hmmm yeah, I guess I’ll go home tonight and cry into my millions thinking about how much I suck, eh fatso? Jackass.

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8:20pm – I get backstage after my brilliant promo and I’m met by a standing ovation from everyone. Vince always makes sure there are plenty of people applauding me after I’ve been out to the ring. It’s one of the perks of my job I guess, although I can’t remember Vince ever arranging something like this for anyone else, not even Triple H. Maybe that’s why Hunter always looks at me with murder in his eyes. Then again, maybe he found out about Steph coming onto me a few weeks ago. I turned her down though, something wasn’t quite right. I mean she had awfully broad shoulders. And I know she’s been working out recently but her arms were HUGE. And she looked kinda old. You know the more I think about it the more I think it may have been Vince in a wig.

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8:35pm – I’m chilling in the locker room with a beer in one hand and my junk in the other when CM Punk walks in with a young girl. Spotting an opportunity, I leap from my seat and start scrambling around trying to gather together as many John Cena t-shirts as I can. Breathless, I eventually turn to face Punk, who has a quizzical look on his face. Then it dawns on me that the girl in question isn’t a potential merchandise buyer, it’s AJ Lee. With a sheepish grin I drop the t-shirts and sit back down. It’s not the first time this has happened.

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8:46pm – I find a monitor backstage to watch Brie’s match. Unfortunately Nikki’s in the match too, along with another 10 Divas. I’m sure it’ll be an absolute classic.

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8:47pm – The match is over. Brie won it for her team with this Small Package I’ve been told about. It seems complicated. Nikki looked brutal in the 13 seconds she was in the ring; all she did was scream and pull her opponent’s hair. And people say I can’t wrestle!

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9:10pm – I’m talking with Rey Mysterio and all I can think of is that he must make an absolute fortune from those masks. I’ll have to get onto Vince about incorporating a mask into my act. We did the whole ‘Juan Cena’ thing a few years back but it never made it to TV. If I wore a mask I could capitalise on the Latino market. I could be the new Latino Heat! I’ll have to remember to learn some Spanish.

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10:16pm – I decided to have a nap but I’ve woken up with an ominous feeling. I open my eyes and look down to see Vince McMahon sucking on my big toe. I ask him what he’s doing and he backs away and out of the room without saying a word. It’s not the first time this has happened.

= = = = =

10:23pm – I need something to take my mind off Vince’s shenanigans so I wander around backstage until I see Big Show talking on his cellphone. I run up behind him and push him over. He starts crying. Before he can turn around and see who pushed him, I’m gone.

= = = = =

10:27pm – Big Show comes into the locker room, blubbering. He asks if I saw who pushed him over. I tell him it was the Miz. Show stops crying and gets an angry look on his face. “SONOFABITCH!” he yells before stomping away. If he finds the Miz, I don’t like Miz’s chances.

= = = = =

10:38pm – I exit the locker room to the sound of a commotion. Big Show has thrown the Miz through a wall and is currently standing on his face. The Miz tries to plead his innocence but Show’s having none of it. 8 men are trying to move the giant but he ain’t budging for no-one. All of a sudden, the two most respected men in the WWE arrive on the scene and quietly tell Show to get off the Miz’s face. Apologising profusely, Show does so. Their work here done, Yoshi Tatsu and HUNICO leave almost as soon as they arrived. Badass.

= = = = =

10:50pm – I make my way out for the main event of the evening; my match with Douche Ziggler. He pouts in the corner whilst I raise the most prestigious title in sports entertainment – at least until I win the Unified/Undisputed/Undoubted/Indubitable WWE Championship at TLC – over my head. The bell rings and we’re underway. After a few minutes I attempt to add a sixth move to my repertoire. Get ready motherf**kers!

= = = = =

10:53pm – After grazing Dolph Ziggler’s nuts with my dropkick I conclude perhaps that won’t be the sixth move of doom after all. The crowd has stopped booing for the time being so they can laugh at my dropkick attempt. God I hate them. It’s times like this I wish I could go full Benoit on an entire arena.

= = = = =

11:01pm – Dolph hits his finisher – the We Comin’ For You Ziggah! or something like that – and I kick out at one. Vince wants me looking strong after all. I get to my feet and hit the Attitude Adjustment to pick up the win. Michael Cole is incredulous at the announce table, he can’t believe the odds I’ve overcome to win that match. He’s ripped off his jacket and shirt and is literally wailing my name. Jerry Lawler looks like he’s having a nap. Cole is openly weeping now, exclaiming that it’s some sort of miracle. The crowd start hurling bottles and cans and other assorted garbage into the ring. I think it’s time to leave. Michael Cole sacrifices a lamb at ringside in tribute to me as RAW goes off the air.

= = = = =

11.03pm – I get backstage and Vince has organised a guard of honour for me. Every employee in the company lines up on either side and applauds as I walk slowly past. It feels like overkill but I like it. Vince is at the end of the line sporting a huge smile. He wraps me up in a bear hug and with tears streaming down his face thanks me for my efforts. Michael Cole dashes through the curtain and embraces us both.

= = = = =

11:13pm – Vince and Michael finally release me and I turn around to find that everyone has gone. Everyone except Randy that is. He’s sitting on a packing case whittling a stick with a huge jug of moonshine balanced on his knee. He grins a toothless grin and beckons me over. Now that everybody has left he can be himself and we neck the moonshine between us. It’s strong, like the bond Randy and I share. It will never be broken. Unless he starts selling more t-shirts than me.

= = = = =

11:35pm – After a quick shower and change I meet up with Randy and we hit the town. We walk into our usual haunt to find CM Punk in a private room surrounded by hookers and booze. He’s built himself a fountain of champagne glasses which has Old Inverness whisky flowing down it. He sees us and yells “Straight Edge means I’m better than you!” and we all start laughing, even the hookers. Silly, silly hookers. If only they knew that at the end of the night Punk will kill them all. He’s fiercely protective of his Straight Edge gimmick and can’t afford to have anyone blabbing about his true sordid self. That’s what we call respecting the business.

= = = = =

1:28am – The night has taken a bit of a bad turn. Everything was going great until we started doing wrestling moves on the hookers. We’d just left the bar and I slapped the STF on one of them but she completely no sold it. Infuriated, I told her in no uncertain terms that the STF was the most excruciating submission move known to man. Or hooker. Randy then hit an RKO on her out of nowhere (it ALWAYS comes out of nowhere) and followed it up with a punt. She’s not moving and the other hookers are hysterical. Punk is nowhere to be found. I think it’s time to leave.

= = = = =

1:49am – Punk has pulled up in a van and gets out armed with a baseball bat and a shovel. He’s unfathomably calm, almost like he’s experienced this kind of situation before. Then I remember that he HAS experienced this kind of situation before. “Guys, I got this. Get out of here and I’ll see you tomorrow”. Randy and I decide it’s time to make like a banana and leave.

= = = = =

2:07am – After parting ways with Randy, I jump in my Ford Mustang Shelby GT500 and head for home. I’m so drunk I’m seeing triple but I’ll be okay, I’ve driven home in worse condition. I make it most of the way but instead of pulling into my drive I crash through my next door neighbour’s kitchen. Normally this would be a cause for alarm but I can just phone Vince and he’ll get everything sorted, he knows people.

= = = = =

2:19am – Nikki is waiting up for me when I walk in the door. “Did you talk to Vince about creating a new title for me?” Well hello to you too! “I haven’t had a chance yet babe, but I will”. I try to focus but I’m seeing 3 Nikkis, which is some kind of unimaginable hell. Now 3 Bries would be an entirely different story! But I’d settle for one of her. If only she wasn’t with that hairy little troll. Channelling the spirit of Captain James T. Kirk I let out a roar of “BRYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!” It’s time for bed.

= = = = =

2:35am – Just as I’m finished getting ready for bed I get a phone call from Vince. He always calls just before I go to sleep.

“Hi John!”

“Hi Vince”.

“I thought you were great on RAW tonight! You were amazing!”

“Thanks Vince”.

“Are you all tucked up and ready for bed?”

“Yes Vince”.

He then proceeds to sing Enya’s Greatest Hits to me down the phone whilst making ocean noises in between songs to try and relax me. I have to pretend I’ve fallen asleep otherwise he won’t hang up. After a few minutes of Vince’s attempt at “Only Time” I start making snoring sounds and I hear him whisper “Goodnight John Cena. Sleep well my love. See you in my dreams” before he puts the phone down. I always feel awkward about this nightly ritual but Vince is the boss and I have to do what he says.

= = = = =

2:43am – Having earlier showed the crowd my ‘5 Moves of Doom’ it’s now time to show Nikki my ‘2 Moves of the Bedroom’. After I’m done - having pictured Brie the whole time – I’m lying on my back when I feel Nikki snuggling up to me. Ugh! Her hand drapes across my chest and I manage to kick out at 2 before AA-ing her off the bed. Vintage John Cena! Nikki clambers back into bed and I get her to raise my hand in victory before we fall asleep. Goodnight everybody, drive safe.

And don’t forget to buy a John Cena t-shirt on the way out!

= = = = = = = = = =

Brilliant, that last paragraph in particular was tops

 

 

Brilliant work sir, just as good as the jr one if not better.

7:54pm – I’m waiting for the red light to hit and Randy Orton sidles up to me. “Hey John, how ya doin’?” He’s using his TV voice just in case anyone hears us. I turn to face him. He looks immaculate. His hair is trimmed, he’s had a shave and his body is tanned and glistening with nary a hair on it. He flashes me a diamond white smile; he’s got his teeth in. My God, this man is pristine! “Hey Randy, sup?” “Nothing much man. Just been winding up Kofi Kingston, saying that I’m gonna get him fired”. Ever since we teamed up to get rid of Ken Kennedy this has been our favourite game; threatening the mid-carders with getting fired. Randy’s the master at it. The other day he reduced the Miz to tears with his threats, had him calling up TNA looking for employment and everything! Kofi walks past, so Randy and I just glare at him mouthing the word “Fired!” over and over again. Kofi is so distracted by us he ends up tripping over Linda McMahon. She’s lying on the ground in a pool of her own vomit, alternating between throwing up and swigging from a bottle of hooch in a brown paper bag, whilst slurring the words to Demolition’s entrance theme.

10:27pm – Big Show comes into the locker room, blubbering. He asks if I saw who pushed him over. I tell him it was the Miz. Show stops crying and gets an angry look on his face. “SONOFABITCH!” he yells before stomping away. If he finds the Miz, I don’t like Miz’s chances.

11:35pm – After a quick shower and change I meet up with Randy and we hit the town. We walk into our usual haunt to find CM Punk in a private room surrounded by hookers and booze. He’s built himself a fountain of champagne glasses which has Old Inverness whisky flowing down it. He sees us and yells “Straight Edge means I’m better than you!” and we all start laughing, even the hookers. Silly, silly hookers. If only they knew that at the end of the night Punk will kill them all. He’s fiercely protective of his Straight Edge gimmick and can’t afford to have anyone blabbing about his true sordid self. That’s what we call respecting the business.

1:28am – The night has taken a bit of a bad turn. Everything was going great until we started doing wrestling moves on the hookers. We’d just left the bar and I slapped the STF on one of them but she completely no sold it. Infuriated, I told her in no uncertain terms that the STF was the most excruciating submission move known to man. Or hooker. Randy then hit an RKO on her out of nowhere (it ALWAYS comes out of nowhere) and followed it up with a punt. She’s not moving and the other hookers are hysterical. Punk is nowhere to be found. I think it’s time to leave.= = = = =1:49am – Punk has pulled up in a van and gets out armed with a baseball bat and a shovel. He’s unfathomably calm, almost like he’s experienced this kind of situation before. Then I remember that he HAS experienced this kind of situation before. “Guys, I got this. Get out of here and I’ll see you tomorrow”. Randy and I decide it’s time to make like a banana and leave.

2:43am – Having earlier showed the crowd my ‘5 Moves of Doom’ it’s now time to show Nikki my ‘2 Moves of the Bedroom’. After I’m done - having pictured Brie the whole time – I’m lying on my back when I feel Nikki snuggling up to me. Ugh! Her hand drapes across my chest and I manage to kick out at 2 before AA-ing her off the bed. Vintage John Cena! Nikki clambers back into bed and I get her to raise my hand in victory before we fall asleep. Goodnight everybody, drive safe. And don’t forget to buy a John Cena t-shirt on the way out!

Oh My Freaking God hahahahaha I'm buckled. Absolutely Hilarious bud hahaha

Genius

  

This is undoubtedly the greatest piece of wrestling satire I've ever read, we're lucky to have you on the board

Bries head on Nikki's body hahaha


My mates going out with a twin and at 5s tonight I just keep thinking of him sticking her head on her sisters body, wish I could have told them what was so funny

Unbelieveably good. Brilliant stuff.

The 11.01pm entry had me in stitches!!

"Michael Cole sacrifices a lamb at ringside in tribute to me as RAW goes off the air."

couldnt stop laughing enough to read the rest of it because of this line

This is hands down the greatest topic there has ever been on this board. I'm can't even get passed certain bits because I'm laughing too much

Bravo sir

"11:01pm – Dolph hits his finisher – the We Comin’ For You Ziggah! or something like that – and I kick out at one. Vince wants me looking strong after all. I get to my feet and hit the Attitude Adjustment to pick up the win. Michael Cole is incredulous at the announce table, he can’t believe the odds I’ve overcome to win that match. He’s ripped off his jacket and shirt and is literally wailing my name. Jerry Lawler looks like he’s having a nap. Cole is openly weeping now, exclaiming that it’s some sort of miracle. The crowd start hurling bottles and cans and other assorted garbage into the ring. I think it’s time to leave. Michael Cole sacrifices a lamb at ringside in tribute to me as RAW goes off the air."

Nearly choked from laughing so hard reading this part. Comedy gold, this is actually so unbelievably good.

  Nearly choked from laughing so hard reading this part. Comedy gold, this is actually so unbelievably good.[/quote]

yeah, i wonder where he copied it from
either that or the OP has far too much time on his hands and needsto get a life

  This is the best thing I have read all year!

Brilliant!      

Ian2307 wrote:  
yeah, i wonder where he copied it from
either that or the OP has far too much time on his hands and needsto get a life  

Shut up, dick!

Kay Fabe wrote:

Ian2307 wrote:  
yeah, i wonder where he copied it from
either that or the OP has far too much time on his hands and needsto get a life  

Shut up, dick!

wow... a keyboard warrior... nice 1   

Or perhaps Y2D2 is genuinely funny and wanted to share his wit with others, considered that?

  

Hero wrote:Or perhaps Y2D2 is genuinely funny and wanted to share his wit with others, considered that?

no  

It's 100% Y2D2's work. You only need to see his use of Tatsu and HUNICO to see that.

Ian2307 wrote:

Kay Fabe wrote:

Ian2307 wrote:  
yeah, i wonder where he copied it from
either that or the OP has far too much time on his hands and needsto get a life  

Shut up, dick!

wow... a keyboard warrior... nice 1   

When you act and sound like a dick don't be offended when you get called a dick

  

Kay Fabe wrote:

Ian2307 wrote:

Kay Fabe wrote:

Ian2307 wrote:  
yeah, i wonder where he copied it from
either that or the OP has far too much time on his hands and needsto get a life  

Shut up, dick!

wow... a keyboard warrior... nice 1   

When you act and sound like a dick don't be offended when you get called a dick

who is offended??  

im not the one who got all abusive

I think you were pretty abusive to Y2D2 actually.  Well done in winding people up within your first 10 posts on a forum.  Not a great way to start.

MIG wrote:I think you were pretty abusive to Y2D2 actually.  Well done in winding people up within your first 10 posts on a forum.  Not a great way to start.

ive posted on here and given genuine opinions before and been ignored.

this way obviously works better   

Y2D2 has been one of the wittiest writers on the 606 wrestling forums for years. You're needlessly abusing one of the guys people come on here to read. Change your name and start again, or create a new profile. You're finished on here before you've even started.

Ian2307 wrote:  

Kay Fabe wrote:

Ian2307 wrote:

Kay Fabe wrote:

Ian2307 wrote:  
yeah, i wonder where he copied it from
either that or the OP has far too much time on his hands and needsto get a life  

Shut up, dick!

wow... a keyboard warrior... nice 1   

When you act and sound like a dick don't be offended when you get called a dick

who is offended??  

im not the one who got all abusive

Your first post was filled with contempt so you got treated as such

Kid Vicious wrote:Y2D2 has been one of the wittiest writers on the 606 wrestling forums for years. You're needlessly abusing one of the guys people come on here to read. Change your name and start again, or create a new profile. You're finished on here before you've even started.

at no point whatsoever did i say it was a poor or badly written article, in fact i said i wonder where he copied it from, thus suggesting that it was actually a very good read.

i also said he must have too much time on his hands, which to be fair is probably true if he had the time to sit and type all of that out.

if you found it abusive then so be it, but it was more tongue in cheek than anything, hence the wink smiley at the end.

Ian2307 wrote:

MIG wrote:I think you were pretty abusive to Y2D2 actually.  Well done in winding people up within your first 10 posts on a forum.  Not a great way to start.

ive posted on here and given genuine opinions before and been ignored.

this way obviously works better   

Thats how my 6 year old son gets attention.

Ian2307 wrote:

Kid Vicious wrote:Y2D2 has been one of the wittiest writers on the 606 wrestling forums for years. You're needlessly abusing one of the guys people come on here to read. Change your name and start again, or create a new profile. You're finished on here before you've even started.

at no point whatsoever did i say it was a poor or badly written article, in fact i said i wonder where he copied it from, thus suggesting that it was actually a very good read.

i also said he must have too much time on his hands, which to be fair is probably true if he had the time to sit and type all of that out.

if you found it abusive then so be it, but it was more tongue in cheek than anything, hence the wink smiley at the end.

Ah, the ol' "wink" makes everything ok excuse. The literary equivalent of "no offence mate"
I'm bored of this exchange already. No offence mate.   

Welcome to the board Ian!

Kid Vicious wrote:

Ian2307 wrote:

Kid Vicious wrote:Y2D2 has been one of the wittiest writers on the 606 wrestling forums for years. You're needlessly abusing one of the guys people come on here to read. Change your name and start again, or create a new profile. You're finished on here before you've even started.

at no point whatsoever did i say it was a poor or badly written article, in fact i said i wonder where he copied it from, thus suggesting that it was actually a very good read.

i also said he must have too much time on his hands, which to be fair is probably true if he had the time to sit and type all of that out.

if you found it abusive then so be it, but it was more tongue in cheek than anything, hence the wink smiley at the end.

Ah, the ol' "wink" makes everything ok excuse. The literary equivalent of "no offence mate"
I'm bored of this exchange already. No offence mate.   

none taken   

Francis wrote:Welcome to the board Ian!

thanks Francis   

Y2D2. As always delivering a fantastic read. I even came out of my self imposed time away from here because someone sent me the link.

Top class and I would be forced to say better than the JR one...which is an achievement in itself.

Ian do not upset the holy grail that is y2d2 or his pals

I'm with Ian. Y2D2 is a douche and he blates copied this from somewhere! And don't listen to KayFabe, he's just bitter that ADR has more charisma than him.

Wah wah wah.

Pffffft....me and the other 99.73% of anyone ever associated with WWE


ALLLLLLLLLBERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTTOOOOOOOO DEEEELLLLLLLL RRRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIOOOO


   

Fab stuff Y2D2, keep up the good work and more random thoughts :-)

If anything I think Y2D2 doesn't have ENOUGH time on his hands, correct me if I'm wrong but I thought there hasn't been a random thoughts for a while because he's been spending a lot of time on this.
If it was up to me this would be his full time job.
I really appreciate the time and effort that goes into his posts.

'We’re untouchable but we’re forcing you to feel us!'

ahahaha missed that line on the first read, it sums up their position in WWE so well

you should do one for vince russo or hogan or maybe do a poll on the board