friends with an ex

Hi guys was just wondering what ur thoughts are on being friends with an ex? I recently broke off my relationship with gf of 5 years. She still loves me and whilst I obviously love and care about her I don't want to be with her anymore. She still wants to speak to me and see me as a friend, which I do as well but is that being selfish of me? My instincts are that even though I would happily still be friends maybe I should say no at least for a while so that she can get over me( I know I sound like a dik but don't know how else to put it). I'm sure everyone situation is different but would appreciate any advice as I am snookered at present. Cheers.

It's ok to remain good friends with an ex. Better that than enmity. Actually, it shows a great deal of maturity on both your parts.

I remained good friends with a former girlfriend for many years, until she died. Going to her funeral was one of the saddest things in my life, but I was glad that we'd had something special.

We broke up because I joined the armed forces and she didn't want a long distance relationship. But she wanted to "keep in touch" and I was glad about that. I sent her letters and postcards from places I went to and it was always good for me to hear from her, too.

In time, we both married other people, both raised families and led completely separate lives, keeping in touch through correspondence. Both my wife and her husband knew that we were corresponding but it wasn't a problem. We all met, as couples, on a few of social occasions. I thought her husband was nice bloke. He made her happy and that's what mattered.

So I would say yes, it is possible to remain good friends with an ex. In my experience, it was a warm, sharing thing. Many attachments in life can be fraught with emotional risk though, and this might be for you too. I can't advise you on whether you should do it or not. I can only relate my own experience. At the end of the day, it's your call.

If you do decide to stay in contact, there's no guarantee that you'll both want to do it forever. But if you go for it, then let it run it's course and if you both think it's not working, then agree to part for good and leave each other on good terms. At least you won't die wondering.

Good luck.

I can share my past experience too if you like.

I had been with my ex for 7 years when she left me (basically I left town for my studies, she found the long-distance relationship a strain, then went to India for three months and fell out of love with me to cut a long story short). i was devastated at the time, being very much still in love with her. We did decide though to try and stay friends. However, this didn't really work out at first, as I still had too many feelings for her and simply didn't want to let go, so she decided that we should break off contact for a bit and let me "get over her" as you put it.

And you know what? It worked. We didn't speak for three months, and by then I was ready to move on with my life. So I called her, we got back in touch and became friends again. A few things probably helped in this case: that we live in different cities, and that we were good friends for a few years before going out together. Anyway, we're now in touch, pretty good friends (not particularly close, but fond of each other) and it's all fine. I'm happily married to a wonderful woman, and she's happy in her life too (though single at the moment as far as I know).

So while it's hard in these cases to give any definitive advice (as you say each case is different) I would say it's perfectly possible to be good friends with an ex (my brother's also good friends with a couple of his exes), and that your idea of breaking things off for a while to give her time to "get over you" has some merit (in that it worked for me...), but...

I don't think it's a good idea in truth. Personal experience is that feelings linger between people after things have gone (or at least they linger for one person of the two...) and that isn't healthy.

It sucks, and it may be hard to face up to completely losing someone so close to you from your life altogether, even for a short while, but it's really the best thing.

I'd say to her that you both need a period of no contact, even if it sounds harsh. It's the smart thing to do and probably the best thing by her, too. After that period, just see how you feel and how contact between you feels.

Personally speaking, I'd say NO. However, the reason for this is that I'm something of a git and have, one numerous occasions, wheedled my way into the affections (and beds) of a number of ex-girlfriends for nothing more than physical gratification at the expense of playing with their emotions. I have also it done to me and didn't like it however, when it came to being the bigger man and not inflicting a small amount of needless heartache on another human being, it transpires I'm little more than a moral coward, bottom feeder and scumbag (they think I'm even worse and I can't argue).

I take my hat off to those who do manage to maintain a genuine friendship with an ex without doing so in the hope that one day they may be able to exploit it. I wish I had the maturity to do the same.

It depends on the ex. My ex who I have a child too was great when we split. Then I started moving onto a better life, booked a trip to europe, met a new girl etc then the truth came out. During all this I heard stories about how she was being mucked about by a few fellas she met. So because I was getting it good and she wasn't then I had to get the venom.

I have joint custody of our son so for the court order to work, we have to be civil. After about a year I just began blanking anything that was irrelevant to the kid. Anytime she asks me "hows it going" I just change the subject. I want her knowing nothing about me because she is as bitter and twisted as they come.

So just be careful mate.

Thanks for the replies. Mad for it sounds a bit like my situation but opposite, was also good friends for few years before the relationship. Think giving it couple of months sounds best, that was what my gut told me anyway. Just hard to tell her that having already hurt her so much. Cheers guys.

Bit ironic I'm asking for advice on 606 when one of the main causes of arguments was the time I spent ignoring her to follow sport.

I can't share experiences, I'm always falling into the friendzone pre relationship. One girl who I fancy the pants off, well I'm so far in the friendzone she tells me about her failed dates with other guys, her ex-boyfriends antics, and one time she actually asked me who was hotter. I'm king of the friendzone there

But the few that have been mental enough to go out with me, well I'm only on speaking terms with one.

Olly wrote:I can't share experiences, I'm always falling into the friendzone pre relationship. One girl who I fancy the pants off, well I'm so far in the friendzone she tells me about her failed dates with other guys, her ex-boyfriends antics, and one time she actually asked me who was hotter. I'm king of the friendzone there

But the few that have been mental enough to go out with me, well I'm only on speaking terms with one.

There is the opportune time to pounce Olly. Offer yourself in a good light by giving reasons    And no im willing to share my sister is not a pro to her anyway.

My ex was Chief Bridesmaid at my wedding.

Hero wrote:My ex was Chief Bridesmaid at my wedding.

Was his name Simon?

Clean break.

You broke it off, in all likelihood being friends won't end well for you.

meh.

Olly wrote:I can't share experiences, I'm always falling into the friendzone pre relationship. One girl who I fancy the pants off, well I'm so far in the friendzone she tells me about her failed dates with other guys, her ex-boyfriends antics, and one time she actually asked me who was hotter. I'm king of the friendzone there.

Stamp your foot down and tell her how you feel. Or show her how you feel.

One of the two.

Always best to stay in touch. If times are hard it can be a welcome guaranteed bang with little groundwork necessary.

Olly and sean are on different planets   

One the seasoned pro, the other, the young rookie.

Seems Sean has the same idea as me but lacks the crucial elements of remorse at his lack of empathy or respect both for himself and his ex.

DAVE667 wrote:Seems Sean has the same idea as me but lacks the crucial elements of remorse at his lack of empathy or respect both for himself and his ex.

it is a dog eat dog world son. Women are far worse for it.

Michaels is our answer to feminist militants, love to see a televised debate about women's rights with him in an audience full of howling, crew-cut c0ck-haters.

Galted wrote:Michaels is our answer to feminist militants, love to see a televised debate about women's rights with him in an audience full of howling, crew-cut c0ck-haters.

I'd love that. I once convinced a mate it would be funny at one of our uni seminars (mostly made up of howling, crew-cut c0ck-haters) to propose that you could only get AIDS if you were gay. The reaction was better than I had hoped for.

Glad to see that the taxpayers money is being given to those who would use it for the purpose of enriching their lives as opposed to p!ssing about annoying Winkle-clippers

DAVE667 wrote:Glad to see that the taxpayers money is being given to those who would use it for the purpose of enriching their lives as opposed to p!ssing about annoying Winkle-clippers

You're public service aren't you Dave? Busy day???

seanmichaels wrote:

DAVE667 wrote:Glad to see that the taxpayers money is being given to those who would use it for the purpose of enriching their lives as opposed to p!ssing about annoying Winkle-clippers

You're public service aren't you Dave? Busy day???

Always busy mate, thankfully I'm really f*****g good at my job so I can still find time to have a pop at others who lack my diligence and expertise in role.

Hate the game and all that.....

Get on great with all my ex girlfriends

They are all 3,000 miles away......

What you gonna do about the Didsbury Dragon or is their no escaping that one?

kingjohn7 wrote:Bit ironic I'm asking for advice on 606 when one of the main causes of arguments was the time I spent ignoring her to follow sport

Same reason me and my current girlfriend are on and off   

Personally I would not try to stay friends if one still has feelings for the other

I have always found it headwork and you you both end up making sneaky passive aggressive comments which lead to arguements with someone your not even involved with anymore

With my last girlfriend I thought it'd be a good idea to stay "friends" because I didn't want to lose her. Every time I'd see her those feelings would reappear but she didn't feel the same way. So I stopped full contact with her and I feel much better. 

It depends on each person and how you broke up. It's not for me, I've said before I can't be friends with a girl.

Yes. Seeing your ex's husband is still a bartender, while you have a two week orgy, I mean cruise around Some small islands in two weeks!

VDT wrote:Is there a better feeling than seeing the girl who broke up with you because of "your lack of ambition" sitting in the benifits office with 3 screaming kids?

Yes there is. Actually, there are many, and when you join the human race you may discover some of them.

If the scenario you describe gives you pleasure, then frankly, I'd say being in a benefits office with three screaming kids would be a better option than being in a relationship with you.

The moment any woman leaves a man who has those kind of attitudes, she improves her life immeasurably.

As the father of daughters, I've only wanted what's best for my girls and although they, quite naturally, gravitated towards their mother when they were younger for advice on.... erm... matters of the heart, my advice for them was always to look for partners with the qualities of fortitude, strength, stoicism, and honesty rather than looks or flash cars or other superficial characteristics.

Fortunately, they've both done well for themselves in relationships and my youngest is, actually, on good terms with an ex and I'm glad about that.  It shows maturity and good grace on both their parts.

I feel sorry for anybody who holds a grudge.  The person they broke up with may have had their faults, but a grudge only festers and causes more pain in the long run to the person who holds it, than the other party.   I wonder if the angry, malevolent and spiteful know when they are being pitied..?  Do they realise their lack of genuine manliness actually denigrates them... makes them lesser men..?  

I doubt it.  They're often consumed by their spite and even sometimes carry it over into subsequent relationships, treating a new partner badly for no reason other than for having somebody to take it out on.  

A clean break can be a good thing if both parties want that.  So long as the break is amicable and no rancour remains behind.  If you can part with a smile and the things you remember are the good bits, then you've done pretty well for yourself.

Life's too short to bear grudges.

The Fourth Lion wrote:

VDT wrote:Is there a better feeling than seeing the girl who broke up with you because of "your lack of ambition" sitting in the benifits office with 3 screaming kids?

Yes there is.  Actually, there are many, and when you join the human race you may discover some of them.

If the scenario you describe gives you pleasure, then frankly, I'd say being in a benefits office with three screaming kids would be a better option than being in a relationship with you.

What a pathetic, patronising and pernicious reply, even for you - 4th 'getting my message out there' Lion.

I'd say get off your high horse, but you couldn't do that safely even with Felix Baumgartner's parachute!

Ah TopHat, please don't ever leave this forum.

Duty281 wrote:Ah TopHat, please don't ever leave this forum without first posting an online video of your efforts at DIY castration.

Fixed that for ya, Duty

Meany

DAVE667 wrote:

Duty281 wrote:Ah TopHat, please don't ever leave this forum without first posting an online video of your efforts at DIY castration.

Fixed that for ya, Duty

El oh el

kingraf wrote:

DAVE667 wrote:

Duty281 wrote:Ah TopHat, please don't ever leave this forum without first posting an online video of your efforts at DIY castration.

Fixed that for ya, Duty

El oh el

 

Made me laugh too.

TopHat24/7 wrote:

The Fourth Lion wrote:

VDT wrote:Is there a better feeling than seeing the girl who broke up with you because of "your lack of ambition" sitting in the benifits office with 3 screaming kids?

Yes there is.  Actually, there are many, and when you join the human race you may discover some of them.

If the scenario you describe gives you pleasure, then frankly, I'd say being in a benefits office with three screaming kids would be a better option than being in a relationship with you.

What a pathetic, patronising and pernicious reply, even for you - 4th 'getting my message out there' Lion.

I'd say get off your high horse, but you couldn't do that safely even with Felix Baumgartner's parachute!

  

hampo171 wrote:

TopHat24/7 wrote:

The Fourth Lion wrote:

VDT wrote:Is there a better feeling than seeing the girl who broke up with you because of "your lack of ambition" sitting in the benifits office with 3 screaming kids?

Yes there is.  Actually, there are many, and when you join the human race you may discover some of them.

If the scenario you describe gives you pleasure, then frankly, I'd say being in a benefits office with three screaming kids would be a better option than being in a relationship with you.

What a pathetic, patronising and pernicious reply, even for you - 4th 'getting my message out there' Lion.

I'd say get off your high horse, but you couldn't do that safely even with Felix Baumgartner's parachute!

  

In fairness I wouldn't want to see three kids missing out because they are with a worn out Mother struggling to bring them up on the poverty line either..

As George Clooney said...I may be a b*****d but I'm not a F*****g b*****d..

TRUSSMAN66 wrote:

hampo171 wrote:

TopHat24/7 wrote:

The Fourth Lion wrote:

VDT wrote:Is there a better feeling than seeing the girl who broke up with you because of "your lack of ambition" sitting in the benifits office with 3 screaming kids?

Yes there is.  Actually, there are many, and when you join the human race you may discover some of them.

If the scenario you describe gives you pleasure, then frankly, I'd say being in a benefits office with three screaming kids would be a better option than being in a relationship with you.

What a pathetic, patronising and pernicious reply, even for you - 4th 'getting my message out there' Lion.

I'd say get off your high horse, but you couldn't do that safely even with Felix Baumgartner's parachute!

  

In fairness I wouldn't want to see three kids missing out because they are with a worn out Mother struggling to bring them up on the poverty line either..

As George Clooney said...I may be a b*****d but I'm not a F*****g b*****d..

My point was sitting in the benifits office with 3 screaming kids doesn't show much ambition considering the reason she broke up with me!

VDT wrote:

TRUSSMAN66 wrote:

hampo171 wrote:

TopHat24/7 wrote:

The Fourth Lion wrote:

VDT wrote:Is there a better feeling than seeing the girl who broke up with you because of "your lack of ambition" sitting in the benifits office with 3 screaming kids?

Yes there is.  Actually, there are many, and when you join the human race you may discover some of them.

If the scenario you describe gives you pleasure, then frankly, I'd say being in a benefits office with three screaming kids would be a better option than being in a relationship with you.

What a pathetic, patronising and pernicious reply, even for you - 4th 'getting my message out there' Lion.

I'd say get off your high horse, but you couldn't do that safely even with Felix Baumgartner's parachute!

  

In fairness I wouldn't want to see three kids missing out because they are with a worn out Mother struggling to bring them up on the poverty line either..

As George Clooney said...I may be a b*****d but I'm not a F*****g b*****d..

My point was sitting in the benifits office with 3 screaming kids doesn't show much ambition considering the reason she broke up with me!

If you knew anything about women, you'd know they'll happily cut their nose of to spite their faces but not as much as they'd happily cut YOUR nose off to spite YOUR face!

Luckily my Wife never cooks so she's no good with knives....

She's good at the silent treatment though......

The excruciating-long guess what I haven't done game ??... Because she isn't going to tell me...