Is My Friend Right?

1st April 2015

Hallo, I am new to cycling and would appreciate your help on a few things that bother me:

Which side should I mount a bike from? My friend says the left always-it’s the Law.
Which pedal should I push first? My friend says the right if you are right-handed.
Should hand signals be done in the rain?
Can you mix toe clips and “cleats” (whatever they are!)? My friend says that will help in heavy traffic to release one’s foot.
Or is it better to have conventional rubber pedals? My friend says that helps in a fall.
Is it better to pedal in high gears? My friend says he uses no. 5 most of the time as it saves the chain. He says the low gears (is this the small ring at the front?) are for females and must not be used by men.
Is it better to have the tyres on the soft side? My friend says that helps to deflect flints and things and if you do get a puncture it won’t go down so fast. He also says that it gives you more grip going up hills.
Should I change those top gear levers to ones further down? I believe they are called “downtubers”. My friend says they are more efficient because the cables are shorter.
Is it necessary to change brake blocks when the rubber wears down? My friend says that it is a well-known fact that metal-to-metal contact makes for stronger braking (like a train). Though I remember he had a front wheel collapse on him and the repair shop said the rim was “scored through” (whatever that is!) and had overheated.
Can you recommend a cheap wax polish for the pedals, handles and saddle? I think my friend uses expensive Autoglym or is it Meguiar's? He says it helps to preserve the plastic/rubber parts and protects against “UV degradation”. He also uses it on the soles of his shoes. But my other friend swears by ArmorAll Original Gloss. (I’m visiting him tonight in hospital-he had a little crash the other day.)

And lastly-on clothing-has anyone had experience of this range called LIRPA LOOF which I understand uses alpaca wool technology? My friend says that was the best in the early days but the French had it banned because they didn’t want competition to their Lycra factories.

Many thanks.

Ooooh, think I got March 31st fooled.

I was away from the 31st so had to submit it then. Would you believe that this was rejected a few years ago by the old BBC 606 as they feared that new readers would be polishing their pedals and taking their brake blocks down to the metal!

No-one would be that stupid...would they?

The tip about the brakes is complete b0llocks.  I tried it to improve my late-braking as most of my cycling club are a bit more gung-ho than me and have an advantage on tight routes.  Was trying to beat a train to a level crossing to get an advantage during a race when I realised I wouldn't make it so slammed on the anchors and f*ck-all happened except sparks.  Just got out of hospital after two months in intensive care.  My bike's a write-off.

Sorry to hear this...you're not a f*male by any chance RU?