A Day In The Life Of Jim Ross

Posted this on the original 606, and at the request of King Beer I'm going to post it here too.

Hope you enjoy it.

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7:00am – Good Ol’ JR Jim Ross awakens with a start to the sound of glass shattering and Steve Austin’s theme music. I start yelling “STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD!” and inadvertently wake the missus. “It’s just your alarm clock Jim” she tells me. A tap on the noggin of the toughest SOB in the WWF…uh WWE calls a halt to proceedings. When the glass breaks, you know business is about to pick up, and now it’s time for Jim Ross to get up.


7:02am – Time for some exercises. I turn my head to the left. Then to the right. Then I look up. Then down. Exercises over, and sweating like a hog, I jump in the shower. The blood starts pumping. Out on the street the traffic is jumping.


7:15am – Breakfast time in the Ross household. 4 slabs of babyback ribs, 2 BBQ roasted chickens, three 18oz ribeye steaks, 9 cornbread muffins and a tub of coleslaw. All washed down with some of Good Ol’ JR’s Chipotle Ketchup and 12 Steveweisers. The wife has cereal, whatever in the hell that is. The doctor tells me I need to work on a healthier diet, but you can’t barbecue a lettuce leaf. BAH GAWD KING, IT AIN’T RIGHT!


9:30am – Breakfast over, I leave the missus to wash the dishes. I’m on fire with these rhymes today! First the one about the pumping and the jumping, now this one about the missus and the dishes. I need to write these down, maybe I can use them on air once Vince calls me about becoming an announcer again. It’s only a matter of time. I brush my teeth with some of Good Ol’ JR’s Hot Bar-B-Q Sauce and then I’m ready to face the day!


9:35am – I make a call to the Texas Rattlesnake himself; Stone Cold Steve Austin. Once again, I only get through to his voicemail. That’s been happening a lot lately, I can’t remember the last time I actually spoke to Steve. Maybe it’s because he’s so busy filming movies. He sure does have a lot of time to post on Twitter though. I decide to phone the Blue Chipper, the People’s Champion; The Rock. Once again, I only get through to his voicemail. That’s been happening a lot lately, I can’t remember the last time I actually spoke to Dwayne. Maybe it’s because he’s so busy filming movies. I wonder what Shawn Michaels is up to right now, I think I’ll give him a call…..


10:02am – Shawn Michaels can’t take my call right now, or so his voicemail told me. Same with Bret Hart. And Brock Lesnar. And Goldberg. And Batista. And Chris Jericho. And Bobby Lashley. And Sting. And Mick Foley. And Terry Funk. I guess they’re all busy filming movies or whatever it is they’re up to these days, I haven’t spoken to any of them in so long. I think I’ll pop round to see my mentor ‘Cowboy’ Bill Watts. That’ll cheer me up, talking about the good ol’ days in Mid-South.


11:46am - Before I can leave, the window cleaner shows up. He pulls out what must be a 75 foot ladder and starts climbing. “GO ON! CLIMB! MAKE A NAME FOR YOURSELF KID!” I holler at him as he ascends the rungs. He looks at me like I’ve just farted in church. I decide to make my exit, hoping that the poor kid doesn’t fall. I mean how do you learn to fall off a 75 foot ladder?


12:15pm – Make it to Watts’ house in a solid half hour. Even though he lives next door. It would take a normal man about 30 seconds to get here from my house, but Jim Ross ain’t no normal man BAH GAWD!


12:47pm – The ‘Cowboy’ doesn’t appear to be at home, although I coulda sworn I saw someone ducking behind the sofa as I made my way to his front door. I waited a couple of minutes and shouted through his letterbox but I didn’t get a response. He must be filming a movie or peeing in a trash can somewhere. I head for home.


1:29pm – I take the truck into town - listening to some DMX on the way - and run into Oklahoma’s own Jack Swagger, who’s on his 1 day off from WWE this month. He looks tired. We get to talking and I tell him he’s a blue chipper, a stud who has a world of potential, but potential don’t buy the groceries. Speaking of which, I need to get some, we’re down to our last 18 carcasses.


1:37pm – I’ve ordered another 59 carcasses plus 48 chickens. That should keep us going till next week. I head for lunch; 36lbs of pulled pork, 19 slabs of ribs, a vat of barbecued beans, a bucket of creamed corn and – taking some of the doc’s advice - a diet soda. They didn’t have any Steveweisers anyway.


2:12pm – I get a call from Matt……sorry Jeff Hardy. I’ve followed Jeff’s career since he played linebacker at North Carolina State. He’s got some heinous charges levelled against him and wants Good Ol’ JR to act as a character witness. I tell the ‘Rainbow Haired Warrior’ that I’d be honoured. He’s a unique individual is Jeff Hardy. He dresses in a unique way and lives his life uniquely. And that’s what makes him unique. Plus the fact he’s goofier than a pet raccoon* I mean he paints his fingernails for cryin’ out loud! If the Junkyard Dog had painted his nails in the Mid-South days then the ‘Cowboy’ would have slapped the yellow off his teeth!
* Couldn’t put the actual Jim Ross quote in here because it gets modded!


2:16pm – I return to my truck to find that I’ve been issued with a parking ticket. DAMN YOU TRAFFIC COPS! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!


2:51pm – My good friend, fellow Hall of Famer Jerry ‘The King’ Lawler calls. Always good to hear from ‘The King’. He yelps something about puppies and then starts breathing heavily on the phone. I have no idea what he means, maybe he wants me to barbecue some puppies for him? I tell him that I ain’t no damn Korean and hang up the phone.


3:13pm - I see an advertisement for Brock Lesnar’s new book. Apparently, Paul Heyman helped write it. That Heyman’s a pimple on the ass of life I tell ya. I’d like to stomp a mudhole in him and walk it dry. Where's Jim Ross going next? WHEREVER HE WANTS TO GO BAH GAWD!


3:40pm - See HHH in the street. He says he misses me & wishes I’d come back. Then, thinking I can’t hear him, he says under his breath “Actually you suck. I hate you. I’m glad you’re gone”. I call him the greatest wrestler of all times. Because a voice in my ear told me to.


4:01pm - Get approached by a fan who would like an autograph & a photo with Good Ol’ JR. Unfortunately, she’s bowling shoe ugly. Like a lot of my fans seem to be. Why can’t some of them be hot like Stacy Keibler? Or Trish Stratus? Or the hottest of them all Stephanie McMahon? There’s that damn voice in my ear again! Proving that there’s no school like the old school, I summon up the pride, guts and intestinal fortitude to pose for a snap with her. My mentors Leroy McGuirk and ‘Cowboy’ Bill Watts would be so proud. As she leaves I tell her to buy some damn BBQ sauce from the website.


4:19pm - I run into the Miz. He’s wearing one of those replica WWE titles with his nameplate on it. I tell him that’s cute and I hope he got a discount from the WWE shop. He explains to me that he actually IS the WWE champion. I nearly choke on the beef jerky I’m snacking on. Miz as champion?! ‘Cowboy’ Bill Watts must be rolling in his grave. Except he ain’t dead. But BAH GAWD if he was…..


4:52pm - Edge……sorry Christian sends me a tweet. He asks if I could put in a good word for him with Vince because he doesn’t appear to be returning Christian’s calls regarding a main event push. I send one back telling him not to worry, that he’s still a young buck and unproven at the top level. With a few more years hard work, dedication, ass kissing and playing politics maybe he can one day become European champion. He tweets back the European title is now defunct, he’s already won it anyway, he’s 37 years old and he was a 2 time World champion in TNA. I tell him to ride his wagon of lies right on out of here. Good day to you sir! I SAID GOOD DAY!


5:07pm - I ask my wife what’s for dinner. She tells me she’s going out with her friends, and that she’s been reminding me about it for the last 3 weeks. GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY! IT WAS A SET UP ALL ALONG! That Jezebel has turned her back on Good Ol’ JR! Well she can kiss my Oklahoma ass if she thinks that Jim Ross can’t fend for himself. I contemplate hitting her with a Stone Cold Stunner but she runs like a scolded dog and is out the door before I can get my hands on her. Instead, I make my way to our walk-in fridge. 18 sirloin steaks will do for starters, plus there are a few chickens I can roast and barbecue. SUCCESS!


6:30pm - Settle down to watch my beloved Oklahoma Sooners take on their bitter rivals the Texas Longhorns on the grandest stage of them all; The Gaylord Family Oklahoma Memorial Stadium. Home field advantage will surely pay off for the mighty Sooners. I got a crate of Steveweisers and 3 buckets of spare ribs to keep me company. This is going to be a knock down, drag out slobberknocker of an affair if ever there was one!


6:34pm – BOOMER SOONER! BOOMER SOONER! BOOMER SOONER! Oklahoma takes the lead with a 15 yard field goal after a series of scintillating plays. That kicker has a damn educated foot. I text Stone Cold, the Undertaker, Shawn Michaels and JBL to let them know that the Sooners are gonna wipe the floor with the Longhorns. You can’t stop the Oklahoma stampede!


8:24pm – The Sooners lose 56-3. Damn Longhorns.


8:25pm – Heartbroken, I head to the john. What follows is a hellacious 2 hour struggle and with a “GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY! GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY! AS GAWD IS MY WITNESS, HE IS BROKEN IN HALF!” I’m done. It takes 4 flushes and a coat hanger but eventually I get rid of it. Exiting the bathroom, Good Ol’ JR now has a John Wayne walk to match his ‘Wrestlemania only’ John Wayne cufflinks. Maybe a little more fibre in the diet is required.


10:38pm - Get a call from Satan himself Vince McMahon. He wants me to do angle on this Monday’s RAW where Michael Cole beats me up, Mae Young sits on my face and Vince himself takes a dump on me. He says it will be good for ratings. I tell him I’ll think about it.


10:46pm - TNA call offering me the role of lead announcer, $2 million a year and freedom to take part in any outside ventures that I want to. Plus they’ll heavily feature adverts for my website and push my BBQ sauce on their TV shows and website. I tell them I’ll think about it.


11:00pm - I decide to do the RAW angle and phone that damn Vince McMahon to tell him I’m in. Jim Ross is coming back to RAW baby!


11:28pm - Get a bunch of emails from fans telling me I’m an idiot for not accepting the TNA offer, and that I don’t get any respect from Vince or the WWE. I tell them they’re all jackasses. What in the hell do internet fans know anyways? They’ve never laced up the boots. Neither have I for that matter, I wore slip-ons in the few matches I took part in. But that’s not the point dammit! I head for bed.


11:34pm – The wife decides she want to go one-on-one with Good Ol’ JR, so I decide to engage her in some hanky panky. 30 seconds later, following a cry of “STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD! THE RATTLESNAKE! THE RATTLESNAKE!” and still wearing my Black Resistol hat, I roll off her and get ready for some shut eye.


11:35pm – For Mrs. Jim Ross, this is Jim Ross saying ‘Goodnight everybody!’ Now buy the damn pay per view!


11:39pm – Zzzzzzz…..TATSU! TATSU! BAH GAWD TATSU!.......Zzzzzzzz.

Genius....

I stayed late at work to read that all the way through. Brilliant.

Super stuff Y2. Just super (Bah Gawd!)

Hahahahaha thats genius mate just genius

Best post by far on v2.
Y2, take a bow son!

This is why I love you more than KB or Miky.

Much, much more

But not as much as Dex, right DT?

I'm aching from concealing my laughter at work and there's a tear in my eye, genius!

8:25pm – Heartbroken, I head to the john. What follows is a hellacious 2 hour struggle and with a “GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY! GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY! AS GAWD IS MY WITNESS, HE IS BROKEN IN HALF!” I’m done. It takes 4 flushes and a coat hanger but eventually I get rid of it. Exiting the bathroom, Good Ol’ JR now has a John Wayne walk to match his ‘Wrestlemania only’ John Wayne cufflinks. Maybe a little more fibre in the diet is required.

Excellent!

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Thats bloody hilarious mate!
Did you make it all up yourself?

great y2 do a day in the life of santino