V2 Golf: ball marker of shame

First topic message reminder :

The talk of Nalbandians little episode and of course the constant complaining about Tiger and others on course antics got me thinking. Surely we have all had some pretty unsavoury moments on the course that have brought nothing but shame and embarrassment?

On another thread I admitted to one of my rather distasteful moments on the course;

“I remember once in a junior competition I “abused” a volunteer who could not find my ball, despite the fact it practically landed in his flask. I think I may have called him a bad word or something. I proceeded to receive a real dressing down back in the clubhouse and my dad had to try very hard to smooth over the situation.

The guy had the cheek to claim I should have shouted four and he would have known it was coming. But what the hell was he doing if he was not watching the balls!!!”


Not one of my finer moments, so let’s share with the rest of the board some on course behavior that we wish we could take back or at least that we now feel some pangs of guilt about?

This will become particularly juicy if someone admits to cheating.

super_realist wrote:I don't think though that club membership makes you a better golfer. Most golfers are truly terrible, whether they play competitive or not or whether they play at a club or muni.

competition makes better golfers- but offcourse some public courses do have a strong membership base as well.

however in my area the quality variance is massive (private to public)- obviously surrey is a very strong county mind. and maybe not reflective of the rest of the country.

And what you get at many private clubs in terms of facilities that you can use whenever is what makes the better golfer- being able to play a few after work , being able to have a put after school , going on the range etc etc- is what makes better golfers. But that is offcourse more about being a member.

When i think of private v public- I am actually thinking more member over non member

Not too sure that I have too much naughtiness on my golfing escutcheon though, not to do with golf anyway.

Possible exception was the cardinal sin of cracking an hilarious very rude joke and causing those around to roar with laughter just as Eric Axley was starting his downswing at Turning Stone a few years ago. Bollocking from his caddie followed and Eric hasn't really been heard from since. Sorry mate!

anyone using the word escutcheon in a golf forum should immediately be awarded the ball marker of shame

Slowride wrote:anyone using the word escutcheon in a golf forum should immediately be awarded the ball marker of shame

Have to say I second that Kwini!

Mind you, I hope he's not referring to the medical term....

back to the dictionary . . . . . .

Escutcheon may refer to:
Escutcheon (heraldry), a shield or shield-shaped emblem, displaying a coat of arms
Escutcheon (furniture), an item of door furniture that surrounds a keyhole or lock cylinder
Escutcheon (firearms), a piece of metal inlet into the wood on the wrist of a gunstock between the tang and the stock comb as decoration and/or engraved for identification.
a decorative plate that surrounds a faucet in a bathtub or shower
(in medicine) the distribution of pubic hair
(in veterinary medicine) the shield-like pattern of distribution of the haircoat in the area below the vulva, down to the top of the udder, in the cow
a plate on the stern of a ship inscribed with the ship's name
A protective cover over circuit breakers in electrical distribution boards.

Wow, this is getting educational!!

mystiroakey wrote:well i have hit a few over 400 ..well over in fact on a couple of holes

what do you average Mysti?
would love to see a youtube clip if you have one!
i think fader and a couple of others self included posted links a while back!

Carry on driver 279(average) swing speed 111

6 iron is 92.5 mph 182 yards.

i will get a you tube up next week- i have a massive overswing. lol

However sometimes i really go all out! i can swing much faster and put alot of weight through impact. I never do that in medals mind. Matches alot though

This is a game with which I am unfamiliar!!

you have pretty similar stats to me though havent a clue what my swing speed is. ill have to dig out that video i had before!

golfermartin wrote:This is a game with which I am unfamiliar!!

Me too mate, without a gale behind I struggle to get it past 250 but still tapped it round in 72 this morning to regain my category one status and Long John Mystirioakey is a very average 7 so all is not lost.

mystiroakey wrote:Carry on driver 279(average) swing speed 111

6 iron is 92.5 mph 182 yards.

i will get a you tube up next week- i have a massive overswing. lol

ninety two...and a half(!) mph...brilliant
i used to get he ball out a long way regularly - but can't carry a driver much more than about 230 now

i can hit the ball miles but i cant hit the green with a wedge to save my life at the moment!
nothing worse than playing matchplay and everytime you walk up the fairway to reach your ball you opponent is already on in regulation!

mystiroakey wrote:Carry on driver 279(average) swing speed 111

l

How do you know this? Over what period of time was this measured? How did you measure your average carry?

My last session on flightscope(launch monitor system). Its really the only way to get stats like the above. Its kinda common to use that for your stats

Hibbz wrote:

golfermartin wrote:This is a game with which I am unfamiliar!!

Me too mate, without a gale behind I struggle to get it past 250 but still tapped it round in 72 this morning to regain my category one status and Long John Mystirioakey is a very average 7 so all is not lost.

not average hibbz pal- i was a cat 1 at 15!! Just dont get the time any more...

but its not about length offcourse- every golfer that is lower than me at my club at present is shorter than me bar one- but in all fairness my stats are not that long. I have a player at my club that has a swing speed of over 130 on his drives- ok he has played a few euro pro events- but that is on another planet(and even if you was a top pro , its equal to tigers). My length wouldnt be out of place amongst tour pros. but trust me that means zip

mysti

Not since the days of bbc 606 have had such preposterous claims of length. There is no way some hacker 7 handicap hits it as far as you claim.

McLaren wrote:mysti

Not since the days of bbc 606 have had such preposterous claims of length. There is no way some hacker 7 handicap hits it as far as you claim.

Disagree with that slightly insulting comment Mac. There a chap at my club that's built like a brick poopiehouse, he gets his drives out over that distance and plays off 6. His peoblem is he has no wedge game and is an atrocious putter. I played him in the pairs matchplay and was like Bubba v's Sorenstam literally. I get my driver out to on average 250-255 but I'm accurate, on every hole I was at least 30-40 yards shorter than him. The difference being I was playing from the fairway and he from Tiger country.

ive similar stats to Mysti,probably slightly behind him, and im not even the longest in my regular fourball.... and the longest guy plays off 6.

Mac, stop being such a fruit, deal with it.

You will find a few at every club in my county with my length- it really isnt uncommon.

However i did consider lieing and under stating my length just so someone like you wouldnt jump on it. But whats the point- I was asked a question and i answered it based on my last flightscope stats

I dont go that far on my holidays.

Whats your handicap Fader/hend?

what we need to do is get a 606 golf day sorted out- then we shall see who is lieing and who isnt!

time and a place boyos!!

Currently off 9 but coming downwards hoping to get down to 6 by end of year

Mysti if your surrey based not all that far from kent, I could do a meet after mid july if your up for a bash so to speak!

I have actually just moved to chislehurst mate so i am in kent again..

My club and work is in surrey though.

And yeah why not

im 5. ticking up last couple of comps though!

good handicaps..

Mysti would be handy in the texas scramble team.
I think most clubs have one or two to be fair

About a year ago I was granted the opportunity to play a few holes on a sunday afternoon that had been booked off weeks in advance to "spend some quality time with the girlfriend". I have to do this every so often and I was delighted to get 9 holes in after a mundane morning shopping in town. As it was a nice day she volenteered to walk round with me, which I was apprehensive about as she constantly talks garbage, puts me off my game and has an attention span of less that half a hole. As it was, lucky enough she was there...

One the first tee I had the unmistakable feeling in my bones (or bowels) that a big jobby was on the way. I looked over my shoulder and spotted four women members approaching the tee so made the concious decision to tee off instead of going back for a dump as I didn't wan't to be stuck behind the slow-coaches, plus if my girlfriend had seen how bad these women were it may have put a notion in her head that she should take up the game; all in all it was a gamble I wasn't prepared to take at this stage in our fledging relationship.

Anyway, for the first two holes I played like the white, bald twin brother of Mr Woods and the girlfriend was suitably impressed. Two pars, a bogey on the third and a cracking tee shot on the fourth - I had forgotten about my bulging bowels until a pain started in my stomach, a wrenching, clenching twisting pain and the sweat started pouring from my brow, It was time and there was no going back - the toilet was situated in two holes time and I prayed to the Lord that i would be able to hold out until that magical bog in the trees, even the oh so typical "OUT OF ORDER" sign would not put me off this time. I found myself in a greenside bunker and the clamber down to the sand trap only weakened my resistance further, the medication I had been taking to lose a few pounds before holiday and the boiled-egg madras from the drunken night before had worked their wicked charms - a perfectly executed escape from the bunker was the highlight of this sordid episode but the follow through was two fold a high follow through with the 60deg wedge and a messy follow through in my pants. It just kept coming out like an out of control brown Mr Whippy machine - I stumbled coming out of the bunker and begged my disgusted but concerned girlfriend to throw me the new nike golf towel she had got me for christmas - I hobbled into the trees as my shorts were filling up like an inflatable nappy and finsished off in the trees behind the green. I done the best I could with the towel but I was covered from the waist down in schit. The towel and the schitty pants remained dicarded where the fell and I got the girlfriend to drive the car round near the hedge on the sixth - I was like a commando trying to escape unseen through the forest to the safety of my car.

This tale was rounded off about 4 months later when my playing partner over shot the same green into the trees and shouted at the top of his voice that some dirty b4stard had used a golf towel to clean his arse. Oh how I laughed but it brought the trauma of that fateful day right back to me

haha- dump or behind 4 women!!! what a choice

good one- that is one classic story..

tarka wrote:About a year ago I was granted the opportunity to play a few holes on a sunday afternoon that had been booked off weeks in advance to "spend some quality time with the girlfriend". I have to do this every so often and I was delighted to get 9 holes in after a mundane morning shopping in town. As it was a nice day she volenteered to walk round with me, which I was apprehensive about as she constantly talks garbage, puts me off my game and has an attention span of less that half a hole. As it was, lucky enough she was there...

One the first tee I had the unmistakable feeling in my bones (or bowels) that a big jobby was on the way. I looked over my shoulder and spotted four women members approaching the tee so made the concious decision to tee off instead of going back for a dump as I didn't wan't to be stuck behind the slow-coaches, plus if my girlfriend had seen how bad these women were it may have put a notion in her head that she should take up the game; all in all it was a gamble I wasn't prepared to take at this stage in our fledging relationship.

Anyway, for the first two holes I played like the white, bald twin brother of Mr Woods and the girlfriend was suitably impressed. Two pars, a bogey on the third and a cracking tee shot on the fourth - I had forgotten about my bulging bowels until a pain started in my stomach, a wrenching, clenching twisting pain and the sweat started pouring from my brow, It was time and there was no going back - the toilet was situated in two holes time and I prayed to the Lord that i would be able to hold out until that magical bog in the trees, even the oh so typical "OUT OF ORDER" sign would not put me off this time. I found myself in a greenside bunker and the clamber down to the sand trap only weakened my resistance further, the medication I had been taking to lose a few pounds before holiday and the boiled-egg madras from the drunken night before had worked their wicked charms - a perfectly executed escape from the bunker was the highlight of this sordid episode but the follow through was two fold a high follow through with the 60deg wedge and a messy follow through in my pants. It just kept coming out like an out of control brown Mr Whippy machine - I stumbled coming out of the bunker and begged my disgusted but concerned girlfriend to throw me the new nike golf towel she had got me for christmas - I hobbled into the trees as my shorts were filling up like an inflatable nappy and finsished off in the trees behind the green. I done the best I could with the towel but I was covered from the waist down in schit. The towel and the schitty pants remained dicarded where the fell and I got the girlfriend to drive the car round near the hedge on the sixth - I was like a commando trying to escape unseen through the forest to the safety of my car.

This tale was rounded off about 4 months later when my playing partner over shot the same green into the trees and shouted at the top of his voice that some dirty b4stard had used a golf towel to clean his arse. Oh how I laughed but it brought the trauma of that fateful day right back to me

And she is still your girlfriend ? Im not sure too many relationships would survive that kind of carnage.

best story on here- love it - read it 3 times

part 2:
As I was soiling myself two juniors appeared on the tee - I gave them the look not to say a f*ing word and ushered my girlfriend to give them the nod to play through. I used the rain protective hood from the bag as a kind of makeshift skirt to cover the filthy shorts and set off through the woods to the car. I remembered that I had a towel in the car and a change of clothes in the boot so made a detour back to the clubhouse for a shower. The pro seen me getting out of the car with my hidious ensemble and cuts all over my face thanks to the detour through the woods to avoid the walk of shame back to the clubhouse. I felt like a new man having a luxurious shower in the spartan surroundings of the changing room, but for me this was better than the Ritz. I can still remember the feeling of radox on chapped ar5e skin, stung like hell at first but it felt like I was clensing away all past sins. The club pro was surprised to see me upon entering the clubhouse from the car and gave one of those knowing smirks that sent a shiver down my spine. As far as i know nobody else knows about the story in the club, but it has probably been discussed behind my back. My girlfriend was disgusted at first but has grown to accept it over time, anyway it wasn't as bad as schitting myself at the bus stop outside the cinema so it ain't all bad.

i remeber scitting myself when i was 6 at school- it brings me nightmares- and scitting myself in my sleep with my GF in bed with me when i had what felt like some type of tropical disease

I was playing in a club knockout tournament, and was 2 down after 9, my opponent, was having a bad attack of the wind (frating all over the place, loud and smelly ones).
On the 10th tee as he had the honour, he teed up his ball, made a few practice swings, he then stopped looked at me then, pulled a face, I was then expecting a loud noise followed by an awfull smell, as the loud noise came out, it was followed by his shout of "O that's a wet one", he apologised conceded the match and made his way to clubhouse, it took me about half an hour before I stopped laughing and left the tee.

I never saw him again for the rest of that year

haha

And the winner is Tarka.
The nike towel was a bit stingy for chrimbo

Tarka

If that is true, it is one of the best on course pooping incidents I have ever heard. And seriously funny.

The reason I am not sure if it is true is that there is no way your girlfriend would still be your girlfriend after that.






I have played with two people who have pooped themselves in the middle of a round so it must be more common than you would hope.


One guy just seemed to let it happen and continued to walk from the tee down the fairway as if it would be fine. He stopped after about 50 yards, looked like he was starting to cry and hobbled off into the woods. We asked what he wanted to do and he said “just stay in the woods for a bit”, so we just continued. No idea how he got home but I saw him around the club a few times after the incident.


The second guy tried to run back to the clubhouse as it was a course where hole nine went back towards the club and we were on 7. He just bolted for what seemed like no reason. The rest of the group were left seriously confused. From witness accounts he came up agonisingly short in the car park. The odd thing is that it was apparently just a normal poop and not any sort of curry or illness induced runs. You would think he could have held on for 20 mins. I guess he must already have been desperate when we teed off.

Just spotted something-your mate only found the discarded towel.that implies that someone had removed the affected trousers.

Mac much better post - however the para cat part of you just wont leave you alone..

I've never really understood the irresistible urge for bowel evacuation at any point. I've been known to keep the Jackson five indoors for days if necessary, resulting in a diamond like substance being eventually extruded.

SR you will break the toilet pal- Your the really thin fit lad as well arnt ya- How the heck to do it with that type of matabolism!!!

I don't eat a great deal so don't lay a lot of cable.

Can't believe how this thread has deteriorated into ablutionary habits. Funny though.

Nice.. Its all clockwork for me- In the morning after 3 coffees and 4 fags

Mysti: isn't that known as a prostitutes breakfast!


Ok, ok... I think I'm about to earn a Ball Marker of shame when I admit to this, but in my defence, my pace is now pretty dialed in every time. My average numbers are improving each round, and I'm holing many more 10footers.

Ok I admit it!..................... I've converted to a "belly putter". There I said it, the truth is out there.

haha- wrongon