Why Your Team Sucks AFC North

Annual Deadspin piece ripping on every team. Just have the AFC North, South and NFC South for now.

Baltimore
Why your team sucks: No Lewis. No Ed Reed. No Matt Birk. No Anquan Boldin. No Dennis Pitta (out for the year). No Paul Kruger. No Cary Williams. No Vonta Leach. Oh, but the team DID sign Rolando McClain to pick up some slack in the Get Arrested And Then Retire Department. This team was gutted in record time. And the worst part is that, even though they're destined to go 8-8, I'm still gonna get more Ray Lewis than I ever wanted because ESPN is gonna put him in front of a camera for 23 hours every day. Just one constant live stream of Lewis praising Jesus and fake-smiling as if he's never been complicit in the stabbing death of another human being. PUKE.

Cincinnati
Your coach: Marvin Lewis. If you're gonna be too cheap to fire a coach before his contract is up, you could do worse than having Marvin Lewis hang around for a million years. Sure, he goes through timeouts like they come out of a Kleenex box.

Cleveland
Your 2012 record: 5-11. FUN FACT: the Browns have won either four or five games every year for the past five years. OOOOH WHICH ONE WILL IT BE THIS YEAR?! My money is on four!

Why your team sucks: Only in Cleveland. ONLY in Cleveland would the new owner be a minority Steelers owner who turned out to be a Frak crook. Not only is Jimmy Haslam a crook, but his company of truck driver handjob emporiums is a whopping FOUR BILLION DOLLARS IN DEBT. Oh my Frak God! Are his truck stops built out of Frak platinum? This man isn't even an effective crook. The feds are so far up Haslam's ass that his dad might be called in to run the team. Jimmy Haslam's father, you should note, is 82 years old. You get a crook AND you get Ralph Wilson all in one!

Pittsburgh
Your quarterback: Ben Roethlisberger, still down to Frak after all these years! Yes, it's another season of Big Ben getting sacked three dozen times after holding the ball for 50 seconds or more. The best part is when they show Big Ben walking through the stadium garage before the game and he looks like he weighs 70,000 pounds. How much Xanax do they stuff in that guy's face to keep him from groping the PR staff?