Why Your Team Sucks AFC West

Denver

Your coach: John Fox. He played for overtime. I don't give a crap if he coaches thirty more years. He's the guy who played for overtime. You had 31 seconds, two timeouts, and one of the greatest QBs in history going your way, and you took a fricking knee? BS. Once you cross the line into Denny Green territory, there's no going back. You get a permanent suck branded on you that never fades. The Broncos will crush this division, cruise into the playoffs, and promptly urine it all away because Fox will play Martyball at the worst possible time. 10 years from now, Fox will be coaching in Arizona, giving angry postgame tirades that get retrofitted into crappy beer commercials.

But hey, at least he doesn't drive while wasted.

(I had to edit this one. Quite a lot.)

Kansas City

Your coach: Andy Reid. And if Andy Reid chooses a black jacket for winter home games, I will feel beyond cheated. I want that man rocking a bright red puffy coat and looking like a tomato blimp on the sidelines.

Anyway, Andy Reid is an experienced coach with an excellent reputation for building an organization from the ground up and a terrible reputation for freezing up at the exact wrong moment of an important game. It's a good thing Kansas City has never had a coach like that! I hope you fans enjoy watching Jamaal Charles (already hurt, by the way) inexplicably get fewer than 14 carries a game. Todd Haley certainly approves of that strategy.


Oakland

Your 2012 record: 4-12. I bet the people at NFL Films seriously considered doing the season highlights video using sock puppets just to spice things up. They know a lemon when they see it. In the past 10 years, the Raiders have lost 11 or more games eight times. The Tom Cable/Hue Jackson Years represent the apex of your past decade. Having fans who dress up like a third-tier ECW tag team does nothing to mask this team’s suck.

By the way, that was the team’s first full season under new management. I keep waiting for Mark Davis to pull his scalp off and reveal that his father’s brain was transplanted into his skull upon death.

San Diego

Your coach: Mike McCoy, who could go 2-14 and blow up a church this season and still be liked by Chargers fans simply for not being Norv Turner. It's like the grace period after winning a Super Bowl. No team that fires Norv Turner has ever come to regret it. Norv was the coach of this team for six seasons, but six seasons under Norv feels like 38. You poor, poor bar stewards.

Anyway, McCoy comes to the Chargers after a stint in Denver in which he milked all of the Magic Jesus Powers out of Tim Tebow. He'll need to pull that trick off one more time, because his new quarterback is...

Your quarterback: Neo-Promise Keeper Philip Rivers, aka Marmalard, aka King Laserface. I watched the Chargers game last night and within three seconds of tuning in, Marmalard had already thrown a pick and was in the ref's grill with his arms outstretched in his best THE HELL, BRO?! stance. I'd give anything for someone to post a Vine of Rivers getting redassed at his local Walmart clerk. It would be a thing of majesty. His temper is like clockwork. I want him to retire, join the Monday Night Football booth, and spend the entire broadcast yelling, "Well, that is just crap, right there. THAT IS A CRAP PLAY."

Rivers is now 31 years old. He has 26 children and no functional knees or shoulders. He is done. So very done. Every game this season will feature him turning the ball over three times in the first 57 minutes of play, then furiously racking up 200 yards in the final three minutes of a blowout to help get his fantasy score out of negative integers. His receiving options include a healthy stable of #4 wideouts and Antonio Gates' two club feet.