The Perfect Driver....

Dug this article out the other day and it made me chuckle, so I thought I'd share it with you.....

'Being a MAN of ACTION, I finally got fed up one day with watching stooped-over, wheezing seventy-three-year-old golfers outhit me off the tee simply because they had better equipment than I did. That's when I started my quest for the Perfect Driver.

I already owned a stockpile of 20 drivers, but most of them had been purchased for accuracy. I might add that a great many of them did not furnish any accuracy, which is why they wound up in my golf museum, or as my wife refers to it - the garage.

In any case, it was time to solve this length problem. If I could find the Perfect Driver, made of space-age materials that would frighten an extra-terrestrial, I was absolutely convinced that I'd no longer have to witness a stooped-over, wheezing seventy-three year old man outdrive me by 40 yards.

First I decided to buy a PowerClout Widebody Launcher. I apologised to my wife for the fact that it was so expensive (£980.00) primarily because it is constructed from Flutorium-X, an extremely rare metal found only in the volcanoes near Bali and blended with the stomach lining of killer whales.

At first the PowerClout added an impressive 6 yards to my driving distance, but then it lost interest in my swing and then started hitting dripple-doppers.

That's when I noticed my playing partner's new club the 9-degree SuperMass Frequency Impact Big Bouncer. The Big Bouncer had a head on it the size of an astronaut's helmet and the sound it made when it struck the ball was somewhat reminiscent of five hubcaps being dropped onto a marble porch from a fourth storey window. I made a beeline for the club shop to see the pro. He confirmed that the Big Bouncer achieved incredible distance because it was constructed from Tatranium-Z, a metal which could only be sourced from sunken Japanese aircraft carriers near Medway and blended with particles of dust collected from underground nuclear tests near Smolensk. These were the reasons for the cost of £1,350.00 less the usual £10.00 discount.

Naturally I discussed it with the good lady over breakfast. She was reading something trite about full-scale war in the Middle-East. I'd like to discuss something important, I don't have sufficient thickness in the face of my PowerClout, I need a Big Bouncer. I think you should have one dear she said, I'll drive you over to the shop right now in my new Mercedes. I'm sure the Big Bouncer would have done the trick.... that is if only I could get the damn thing in the air.

That's when I met my 80 year-old neighbour Roy the next day on the course. He can hardly get the club back and his follow-through is a lunge, but he could still bust it past me some 90 yards with his odd looking club, which doesn't even have a name. I'm looking for one right now. It's made of something called PERSIMMON'

NST

You must have heard him incorrectly, PERSIMMON hasn't been invented yet. According to an old version of Tomorrows World that I found on an old Phillips 2000 video cassette, it's not due to be invented until 2035.

But rest assured, once it is available, it will totally revolutionise golf club technology. I've even heard rumours that Bernhard Langer will be coming out of retirement as he'll be able to keep up with the flat belly's once again

Love the reference to japanese carriers sunken in medway. The only carriers your likley to find sunken there though are carrier bags with empty bags of Tenants Super!

Medway as a war grave?

Possibly the 3rd world traveller war? The sunken caravans being off limits to the scuba community?

Easy.....LJ I grew up in the Medway towns! Hence why i served in the army to escape, Afghanistan and Iraq were far less dangerous and delapidated!

It's ok. I grew up in Tower Hamlets. I'd have killed for the peace and tranquility of medway towns.

Noshankingtonite,

Nice one; five star from me – err…… if only I could award one! This is my sort of daft humour and brightened up a dull day.

Noshankingtonite wrote:

Naturally I discussed it with the good lady over breakfast. She was reading something trite about full-scale war in the Middle-East. I'd like to discuss something important, I don't have sufficient thickness in the face of my PowerClout, I need a Big Bouncer. I think you should have one dear she said, I'll drive you over to the shop right now in my new Mercedes. I'm sure the Big Bouncer would have done the trick.... that is if only I could get the damn thing in the air.

That's when I met my 80 year-old neighbour Roy the next day on the course. He can hardly get the club back and his follow-through is a lunge, but he could still bust it past me some 90 yards with his odd looking club, which doesn't even have a name. I'm looking for one right now. It's made of something called PERSIMMON'

It just so happens, I've got an 80 yr old neighbour too

Nice story NST - As it happens, I have utilised my time travel machine and fast forwarded to 2035 as per D4S and I purchased one of them there Persimmon gizmos. Nice looking piece it is, with a lovely clicking sound when used, as opposed to the frying pan CLANG of my hopelesly outdated 460. But you do have to be accurate and it looks titchy, even the oversized ones have a very small sweet spot. Mind you, I saw Elefsis there and he was buying another set, so some people can start them up!

Having read this thread, I now have no idea whether it was a typo, ignorant mistake or wind up. Medway! Honestly, you'll be talking about the Battle of the Cinque Ports next, all seven of them.

Maverick wrote:Love the reference to japanese carriers sunken in medway. The only carriers your likley to find sunken there though are carrier bags with empty bags of Tenants Super!

yeah yeah typo - noboby likes a smart@rse

Guess I mustve missed the typo thing in there! Could be because I'm taking my prescriptions with JD! Instead of water, do ice cubes count though

Depends on how big your cubes are Mav!

Mav - I'll let you off just this once. It's not just the JD and coke though is it, being surrounded by all those gorgeous nurses is enough to make anyone get their wucking murds fuddled

Depends how big my cubes are isn't that a personal question!

I'm now being nursed by mrs Mav but I'm not complaining at that!

Nothing wrong with the occasional personal question I've always thought.

More importantly, either I have missed it, or you haven't posted it, how did Mavette do in the medal at the weekend?

Will post MAvette update on the how did your game go now, got side tracked with the nurses