Golf humour
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kouchi
puligny
lorus59
pedro
GPB
beninho
Davie
McLaren
I'm never wrong
raycastleunited
BlueCoverman
incontinentia
16 posters
The v2 Forum :: Sport :: Golf
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Golf humour
Folks, I have written a book and am quite proud of the results and, in order to market the publication, I'm asking friends and family to spread the news about this essential read.
This book on golf gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I have gained through my 40+ years of golfing experience.
Highlights include:
Chapter 1) How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt
Chapter 2) How to Hit a Maxfli ball from the Rough When You Just Hit a Titleist from the Tee
Chapter 3) How to Get More Distance off the Shank
Chapter 4) When to Give the Curator the Finger
Chapter 5) Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 am
Chapter 6) How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water
Chapter 7) How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three off the Tee
Chapter 8) How to Relax When You Are Hitting Five off the Tee
Chapter 9) When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent
The book also includes some GOLF TERMINOLOGY
Ø A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole
Ø A Diego Maradonna - a nasty 5 footer
Ø A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read
Ø A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't
Ø A Cuban - needs one more revolution
Ø An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim
Ø An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker
Ø A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand
Ø A Kate Moss - bit thin
Ø A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional
Ø A Brazilian - Just shaved the hole
Ø A Rodney King - over clubbed
Ø An O. J. Simpson - got away with it
Ø A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver
Ø A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver
Ø A Lady boy - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems
Ø An Elephant's arse - high and Poopie
Ø A Condom - safe but didn't feel real good
Ø A Sister-in-law – you’re up there but you know you shouldn't be
I have copies in stock but I anticipate a rush so be quick and ensure you don't miss out!
Please pass this information to anyone who you feel may benefit from my expertise
This book on golf gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I have gained through my 40+ years of golfing experience.
Highlights include:
Chapter 1) How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt
Chapter 2) How to Hit a Maxfli ball from the Rough When You Just Hit a Titleist from the Tee
Chapter 3) How to Get More Distance off the Shank
Chapter 4) When to Give the Curator the Finger
Chapter 5) Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 am
Chapter 6) How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water
Chapter 7) How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three off the Tee
Chapter 8) How to Relax When You Are Hitting Five off the Tee
Chapter 9) When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent
The book also includes some GOLF TERMINOLOGY
Ø A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole
Ø A Diego Maradonna - a nasty 5 footer
Ø A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read
Ø A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't
Ø A Cuban - needs one more revolution
Ø An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim
Ø An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker
Ø A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand
Ø A Kate Moss - bit thin
Ø A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional
Ø A Brazilian - Just shaved the hole
Ø A Rodney King - over clubbed
Ø An O. J. Simpson - got away with it
Ø A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver
Ø A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver
Ø A Lady boy - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems
Ø An Elephant's arse - high and Poopie
Ø A Condom - safe but didn't feel real good
Ø A Sister-in-law – you’re up there but you know you shouldn't be
I have copies in stock but I anticipate a rush so be quick and ensure you don't miss out!
Please pass this information to anyone who you feel may benefit from my expertise
incontinentia- Posts : 3977
Join date : 2012-01-06
Location : Ireland
Re: Golf humour
Remarkably similar to a book I read about 10 years ago inco
BlueCoverman- Posts : 1223
Join date : 2011-04-19
Location : Essex
Re: Golf humour
You've forgotten...
Saddam Hussein
Kate Winslett
Sally Gunnell
Russell Grant
Douglas Bader
Vinnie Jones
Saddam Hussein
Kate Winslett
Sally Gunnell
Russell Grant
Douglas Bader
Vinnie Jones
raycastleunited- Posts : 3373
Join date : 2011-03-22
Location : North London
Re: Golf humour
There are a load of others. Click here for example But the one that made me laugh was a "David Beckham" - when you chose the wrong club.
I'm never wrong- Posts : 2949
Join date : 2011-05-26
Location : Just up the road, and turn right at the lights.
Re: Golf humour
I don't get that, given that Beckham played for Man Utd and Real Madrid in his prime then AC and PSG in his later years it would seem like he often played for the right club. Even with his galaxy stint he had a good career.
McLaren- Posts : 17630
Join date : 2011-01-27
Re: Golf humour
I hate to be a pooper but I really don't find golf jokes funny. And this one doesn't even make sense anymore.
"a Bin Laden
When you hit a golf shot that is driven out of bounds and never to be found again."
"a Bin Laden
When you hit a golf shot that is driven out of bounds and never to be found again."
McLaren- Posts : 17630
Join date : 2011-01-27
Re: Golf humour
McLaren wrote:I hate to be a pooper but I really don't find golf jokes funny.
No sh!t Sherlock
Must confess I hadn't heard the "David Beckham" before but like INW I found it pretty funny too
Davie- Posts : 7821
Join date : 2011-01-27
Age : 64
Location : Berkshire
Re: Golf humour
or maybe "buried at sea".McLaren wrote:I hate to be a pooper but I really don't find golf jokes funny. And this one doesn't even make sense anymore.
"a Bin Laden
When you hit a golf shot that is driven out of bounds and never to be found again."
the Paris Hilton one was pretty funny, eh Mac?
incontinentia- Posts : 3977
Join date : 2012-01-06
Location : Ireland
Re: Golf humour
The David Beckham one, does not make much sense, when did he choose the wrong club?
and why is Paris Hilton an expensive hole? I would understand it if it was Sophie Anderton, an ex model who took up whoring. 15k a pop! That is a very expensive hole!
and why is Paris Hilton an expensive hole? I would understand it if it was Sophie Anderton, an ex model who took up whoring. 15k a pop! That is a very expensive hole!
beninho- Posts : 6854
Join date : 2011-01-28
Location : NW London
Re: Golf humour
beninho wrote:The David Beckham one, does not make much sense, when did he choose the wrong club?
Over-analyzing jokes is never a good thing. Accept it for what it is. If you want to analyze it, look at it from the point of view of anyone but a ManUre fan. Or if you ARE a ManUre fan, take solace in the fact that non fans consider your club unworthy of a player like him but he chose them anyway
Or better still just don't analyze it at all. Much easier that way. I suppose the Sally Gunnell joke isn't funny to those who don't think she's ugly either. Or Maradonna when he isn't really 5 foot at all. Get over it
Davie- Posts : 7821
Join date : 2011-01-27
Age : 64
Location : Berkshire
Re: Golf humour
FEDEXed- Air Mailed a green.
Thurman Munson - A Dead Yank (for the Baseball Fans) Perhaps a little dated.
Thurman Munson - A Dead Yank (for the Baseball Fans) Perhaps a little dated.
GPB- Posts : 7283
Join date : 2012-02-10
Location : Midwest, USA
Re: Golf humour
A Robert Allenby - The round you forgot all about.
pedro- Posts : 7353
Join date : 2011-01-27
Re: Golf humour
I'm never wrong wrote:There are a load of others. Click here for example But the one that made me laugh was a "David Beckham" - when you chose the wrong club.
That link is shocking. I'm finding difficult to understand how someone could sit down and spend time trying to invent so many unfunny gags, and then put them on a website.
Linda Ronstadt? Therman Munsun - what kind of shot is a dead yank anyway?
I'll have a go and make up my own...
An Adebayor: when you can't decide what club to pick
An Aaron Ramsey: a putt with a double break
A John Terry: when you play all your friends' holes
A Nick Clegg: a shot that leans both ways
A Sczesny: when you smoke one down the middle after a bad result on the previous hole
A Jamie Oliver: a golf shot that cooks you breakfast in a mockney accent.
any suggestions?
raycastleunited- Posts : 3373
Join date : 2011-03-22
Location : North London
Re: Golf humour
Might as well up the ante as I am pretty bored;
A Madeleine McCann - When you keep looking but everyone else knows its lost.
A Madeleine McCann - When you keep looking but everyone else knows its lost.
McLaren- Posts : 17630
Join date : 2011-01-27
Re: Golf humour
an MH370 - when it's lost and you're looking in the wrong place
raycastleunited- Posts : 3373
Join date : 2011-03-22
Location : North London
Re: Golf humour
A ukip. When it's to far right.
A George Michael if it's to high.
A George Michael if it's to high.
beninho- Posts : 6854
Join date : 2011-01-28
Location : NW London
Re: Golf humour
Emma Watson . Looked promising early.
beninho- Posts : 6854
Join date : 2011-01-28
Location : NW London
Re: Golf humour
The Emma Watson is PERFECT
I confess I half laughed and half grimaced at the McCann one though - far too un-PC for Mac I think
I confess I half laughed and half grimaced at the McCann one though - far too un-PC for Mac I think
Davie- Posts : 7821
Join date : 2011-01-27
Age : 64
Location : Berkshire
Re: Golf humour
A Jason Dufner - when your score is better than deserved
pedro- Posts : 7353
Join date : 2011-01-27
Re: Golf humour
Laughing at it and liking it are two different things Mac. I have laughed at far worse things than that but doesn't make them right
Davie- Posts : 7821
Join date : 2011-01-27
Age : 64
Location : Berkshire
Re: Golf humour
A Shane Lowry - Always hits it fat.
lorus59- Posts : 997
Join date : 2011-07-14
Location : Thailand
Re: Golf humour
Anyone had a choirboy round?
Nothing dropped!
Nothing dropped!
puligny- Posts : 1159
Join date : 2011-01-27
Re: Golf humour
A Dustin - signing for a wrong score
kouchi- Posts : 142
Join date : 2014-01-03
Location : The Netherlands
Re: Golf humour
Golf humour?
Mac and Super walk into a bar...
Super asks for a black russian
Mac storms out in disgust at Super's racism.
OK not golf.
Or humour.
Mac and Super walk into a bar...
Super asks for a black russian
Mac storms out in disgust at Super's racism.
OK not golf.
Or humour.
Roller_Coaster- Posts : 2572
Join date : 2012-06-27
Re: Golf humour
Super probably stands outside bars anyway, as it is easier to get served from so far away.
McLaren- Posts : 17630
Join date : 2011-01-27
Re: Golf humour
I have to add, a Harrison Ford - A very low flight but still managed to hit the fairway.
lorus59- Posts : 997
Join date : 2011-07-14
Location : Thailand
Re: Golf humour
A group of golfers, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses all had big breasts and wore very short mini-skirts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the golfers once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the golfers again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet, and it was good value for money.
Ten years later, at age 70, the golfers discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.
Ten years later, at age 80, the golfers discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.
Ten years later, at age 50, the golfers once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the golfers again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet, and it was good value for money.
Ten years later, at age 70, the golfers discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.
Ten years later, at age 80, the golfers discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.
BlueCoverman- Posts : 1223
Join date : 2011-04-19
Location : Essex
Re: Golf humour
incontinentia wrote:or maybe "buried at sea".McLaren wrote:I hate to be a pooper but I really don't find golf jokes funny. And this one doesn't even make sense anymore.
"a Bin Laden
When you hit a golf shot that is driven out of bounds and never to be found again."
the Paris Hilton one was pretty funny, eh Mac?
Had me in stitches. Good one
westisbest- Posts : 7932
Join date : 2011-05-31
Location : Bournemouth
Re: Golf humour
Weatherspoon in Uxbridge is pretty grim. Though it has cheap beer.
beninho- Posts : 6854
Join date : 2011-01-28
Location : NW London
Re: Golf humour
BlueCoverman wrote:A group of golfers, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses all had big breasts and wore very short mini-skirts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the golfers once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the golfers again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet, and it was good value for money.
Ten years later, at age 70, the golfers discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.
Ten years later, at age 80, the golfers discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.
I didn't realise you were head of marketing at Wetherspoon's Blue?
raycastleunited- Posts : 3373
Join date : 2011-03-22
Location : North London
Re: Golf humour
Probably wouldn't be able to spend as much time on the golf course if I was Ray!
Feel free to choose your own group, establishment and location for the purposes of the joke of course!
Feel free to choose your own group, establishment and location for the purposes of the joke of course!
BlueCoverman- Posts : 1223
Join date : 2011-04-19
Location : Essex
Re: Golf humour
Have I posted this one before?
A couple were invited to play a friendly golf tournament at a new course for them. In the competition they were drawn against a very charming and helpful couple who assisted them in navigating them around the course. The competition was alternate shot matchplay.
Come the 8th hole, the visiting lady of the partnership drove, and hit a wild slice off into the rough. However, on When both groups got to the where they thought the ball was, they found it was lying nicely on a rogue piece of smooth grass.
The male prepared to play his shot when his noticed that his route to the green was blocked by a greenkeepers hut some way ahead of him, in direct line with the green. Disheartened, he prepared to chip the ball out sideways.
His generous opponent suggested that there was an alternative.
"Send your wife to the hut. It has barn doors front and back. They're not locked, and if you hit a low punch shot you might be able to play it through the hut."
So the man sent his wife off, and true enough, the doors were not locked. His wife opened the doors and stood to one side.
The male hit an almost perfect shot. It was - as demanded - a low punch shot, but the ball rose just a little too high and hit the lintel of the doors, bounced back and struck his wife on the head killing her instantly.
The male returns to the course several years later to see if he can get over the incident. On the 8th tee, he stands there addressing the ball. He is obviously nervous, and shaking like a leaf. His playing partners, not aware of the previous incident, ask him if he is OK. The man replies "Not really. I have bad memories of this hole"
Concerned, his playing partners ask what happened. The man replies "Oh, it was so bad. The last time I played this hole I scored a nine."
A couple were invited to play a friendly golf tournament at a new course for them. In the competition they were drawn against a very charming and helpful couple who assisted them in navigating them around the course. The competition was alternate shot matchplay.
Come the 8th hole, the visiting lady of the partnership drove, and hit a wild slice off into the rough. However, on When both groups got to the where they thought the ball was, they found it was lying nicely on a rogue piece of smooth grass.
The male prepared to play his shot when his noticed that his route to the green was blocked by a greenkeepers hut some way ahead of him, in direct line with the green. Disheartened, he prepared to chip the ball out sideways.
His generous opponent suggested that there was an alternative.
"Send your wife to the hut. It has barn doors front and back. They're not locked, and if you hit a low punch shot you might be able to play it through the hut."
So the man sent his wife off, and true enough, the doors were not locked. His wife opened the doors and stood to one side.
The male hit an almost perfect shot. It was - as demanded - a low punch shot, but the ball rose just a little too high and hit the lintel of the doors, bounced back and struck his wife on the head killing her instantly.
The male returns to the course several years later to see if he can get over the incident. On the 8th tee, he stands there addressing the ball. He is obviously nervous, and shaking like a leaf. His playing partners, not aware of the previous incident, ask him if he is OK. The man replies "Not really. I have bad memories of this hole"
Concerned, his playing partners ask what happened. The man replies "Oh, it was so bad. The last time I played this hole I scored a nine."
I'm never wrong- Posts : 2949
Join date : 2011-05-26
Location : Just up the road, and turn right at the lights.
Re: Golf humour
Coming up next.... the joke about the funeral cortege passing the golf course.
raycastleunited- Posts : 3373
Join date : 2011-03-22
Location : North London
Re: Golf humour
This one is a true story...
A few years ago, I was volunteered to referee the second 18 holes of the club knock out final. The two protagonists were close friends, who were foursomes and fourball partners. There was never likely to be any disagreement between these two, so a ref was probably not required, but I was happy to do it because I liked both of them, and having a ref walking round probably made it a bit more special for the pair of them.
So, a titanic struggle ensued. On the 29th, at a critical point in the game, they both hit approach shots from far enough away from the green that they couldn't see where their balls ended up. I watched from further up the fairway, and I saw one ball finish right in the middle of the green, and the other one bounced off into a bunker. As they approached the green, one of them came over to me and asked "is that my friend in the bunker, or is the bast*** on the green?"
A few years ago, I was volunteered to referee the second 18 holes of the club knock out final. The two protagonists were close friends, who were foursomes and fourball partners. There was never likely to be any disagreement between these two, so a ref was probably not required, but I was happy to do it because I liked both of them, and having a ref walking round probably made it a bit more special for the pair of them.
So, a titanic struggle ensued. On the 29th, at a critical point in the game, they both hit approach shots from far enough away from the green that they couldn't see where their balls ended up. I watched from further up the fairway, and I saw one ball finish right in the middle of the green, and the other one bounced off into a bunker. As they approached the green, one of them came over to me and asked "is that my friend in the bunker, or is the bast*** on the green?"
George1507- Posts : 1336
Join date : 2011-01-27
Re: Golf humour
A lady golfer walks into the pro shop and the pro asks her how she played. The lady says "I played great, even though I was stung by a bee between the first and second holes". The pro says "I told you your stance was too wide".
incontinentia- Posts : 3977
Join date : 2012-01-06
Location : Ireland
Re: Golf humour
incontinentia wrote:A lady golfer walks into the pro shop and the pro asks her how she played. The lady says "I played great, even though I was stung by a bee between the first and second holes". The pro says "I told you your stance was too wide".
LadyPutt- Posts : 1197
Join date : 2011-01-27
Age : 73
Location : Fife, Scotland
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