Amateur rugby players

The funny thing is this is completely accurate from my own experience!

Some light hearted insight!
A Rugby Team...

- 1 Loose head Prop: Moderately tall fat lad, often aggressive when something obstructs way to bar, pie shop and occasionally a ruck. Does weights- no one knows why

2 Hooker: short fat lad with endless capacity for cheap booze and fascinated by women miles out of his league. Believes he has rugby nous and is an athlete

3 Tight head Prop: fat lad who believes he’s technically a good player with good hands. Everyone else thinks he just gets in the way. Does weights, no one notices

4 Lock: big hard lad who thinks he’s the enforcer. Police describe him as hooligan. Wears shorts and flip flops all year round, lives with his mum

5 Lock: Giraffe, looks funny when he runs. Long arms useful in bar, takes up too much space. Often very fit and yet last to arrive at breakdown

6 Blindside flanker: proper hard man, can disappear for 80 minutes but emerge holding someone’s scrotum. Never buys a round

7 Openside flanker: glory boy often with psychotic tendencies. Will spend a lot of time in A&E but when present can carry a team. Often unpopular or young. Or both

8 Number 8: big basteward; talks a good game and describes himself as a footballer. Often vain, sometimes scruffy, generally can’t hold their drink and have weird hobbies or jobs. Handy in a scuffle but best avoided socially.

9 scrum half. Gobby midget who can get himself into trouble marginally faster than he can run away from it. Nothing is his fault. Good drinker

10 fly half: there are two sorts, running or kicking. Generally they don’t know which one they are until it’s too late. Unusually nice hair and over confident in every situation until it’s too late.

11 left wing: lanky speed merchant. Can’t catch. Live in a world of their own and always forget one item of kit, often boots

12 inside centre: often the best player on the pitch as well as the fittest. Limited social skills and terrified of women until the beer kicks in

13 outside centre: does everything the 12 doesn’t. Socially active and often juggling multiple women. Has nice car, good job and demanding fitness regime as well as extensive debts and improbably large porn collection

14 right wing: the only reason he doesn’t score 10 tries in every game is because no one can pass. Often a big lad who really looks the part and yet never quite has the impact you hope for. Doesn’t drink

15 full back: 90% of them should be shot at dawn for cowardice. Last line of defence my arse. Secretly want to play at 10 and buys the skipper lots of pints. Too many hair products but useful source of spare socks and toiletries at away games.

- 1 Loose head Prop: Moderately tall fat lad, often aggressive when something obstructs way to bar, pie shop and occasionally a ruck. Does weights- no one knows why

The real amateur loosehead prop. 1992 version.

Weight 92kg
Height 1.79m
Chill dude, not aggressive until short fuse blows.
Hate pies, loves Hotdogs and Biltong.
Hated weight training.

-8 Number 8: big basteward; talks a good game and describes himself as a footballer. Often vain, sometimes scruffy, generally can’t hold their drink and have weird hobbies or jobs. Handy in a scuffle but best avoided socially.

Circa 1978ish

Weight 115kg
Height 1.93m
Sensitive young man,until a rugby ball is put in his hand, then an animal, shy around women (tongue tied usually), blind as a bat (no contacts then).
Family comes from the NE so invented deep fried Mars bars, lived on anything cooked as long as it was cooked to death and until it had no taste and fell apart. Had Yorkshire puddings for breakfast, dinner and tea as a result.
Didn't need the gym, just playing twice a week kept him fit and had natural muscle.

Misses those days now he is a pensioner with a knackered body, grandchildren, needs to watch his diet, and is bored sh1tless with this lockdown.

Half of 11 and half of 12 though I was a utility back. Catching was always dodgy but I was quick (before my knees went contesting kick offs was a speciality) and could pass off of both hands. Always remembered my boots, definitely drank but as a chartered accountant social skills could be questioned.

6ft and 131/2 stone when I was playing. Cut some weight off now to try and save the knees.

WELL-PAST-IT wrote:-8 Number 8: big basteward; talks a good game and describes himself as a footballer. Often vain, sometimes scruffy, generally can’t hold their drink and have weird hobbies or jobs. Handy in a scuffle but best avoided socially.

Circa 1978ish

Weight 115kg
Height 1.93m
Sensitive young man,until a rugby ball is put in his hand, then an animal,  shy around women (tongue tied usually), blind as a bat (no contacts then).
Family comes from the NE so invented deep fried Mars bars, lived on anything cooked as long as it was cooked to death and until it had no taste and fell apart. Had Yorkshire puddings for breakfast, dinner and tea as a result.
Didn't need the gym, just playing twice a week kept him fit and had natural muscle.

Misses those days now he is a pensioner with a knackered body, grandchildren, needs to watch his diet, and is bored sh1tless with this lockdown.

Jeez you were a big lad!

5 Lock: Giraffe, looks funny when he runs. Long arms useful in bar, takes up too much space. Often very fit and yet last to arrive at breakdown

Guilty as charged other than the giraffe part. Only 6"2 and around 16 stone but teammates charitably refer to me as a 'line-out lock' given it's one of the only things I'm not useless at.

king_carlos wrote:

5 Lock: Giraffe, looks funny when he runs. Long arms useful in bar, takes up too much space. Often very fit and yet last to arrive at breakdown

Guilty as charged other than the giraffe part. Only 6"2 and around 16 stone but teammates charitably refer to me as a 'line-out lock' given it's one of the only things I'm not useless at.

To be fair at the lower levels (which I played at) you were lucky if your Lineout locks were 5ft 10 and under 18st of fat! Definitely weren't lifting them.

RDW wrote:

king_carlos wrote:

5 Lock: Giraffe, looks funny when he runs. Long arms useful in bar, takes up too much space. Often very fit and yet last to arrive at breakdown

Guilty as charged other than the giraffe part. Only 6"2 and around 16 stone but teammates charitably refer to me as a 'line-out lock' given it's one of the only things I'm not useless at.

To be fair at the lower levels (which I played at) you were lucky if your Lineout locks were 5ft 10 and under 18st of fat! Definitely weren't lifting them.

Knowing more than two lineout calls pretty much gives you George Kruis status in the old SRU East Reserve leagues. Nothing scarier than realising that the other team have a genuine jumper at the first lineout hence your hooker will need to attempt to throw a lob over their first pod. Great times had playing in those leagues though despite them having many flaws.

Iain Milne did an excellent interview a year or two ago talking about how he believes 'Scotland needs more bad rugby players' in reference to amateur mens numbers dropping in recent years. It's very true. Not least given that a lot of rugby clubs rely on bar receipts on a Saturday afternoon/evening which social sides (both home and away teams from my experience in Scotland) tend to be fairly consistent with!