The Culture Cup Presents: The Cumquat Cup Final 16 - Morgan vs Keys

Bank holiday over, real life still crushingly waiting for us, the CC brings the kind of nonsense you need.

The first of our final 16 sees the gorilla arms of Richard Keys to the only man who reacts worse to rejection from a woman, Mr Piers Morgan.

Keys, who only likes them younger if they’re friends with his daughter, was only having some banter. Banter. Nothing can be punished if I just say banter. But he did say some things Newcastle fans disagree with, and they’re usually reasonable.

Morgan is different. You reject Piers Morgan and he’ll spend the rest of his life attacking you and mental health too. He’ll hack a phone, doctor a photo. Piers will do anything he can to get his way.

Who is the biggest Kumquat? You decide.

Voted for gibbon mitts. Although Morgan is the bigger c**t, he'd probably wear the title with pride - like a c**t.