Random Thoughts.....

The following ‘Random Thoughts’ is brought to you in association with the Road to Wrestlemania. It’s not actually a real road thankfully, because Lord knows if it was it would be full of potholes, road-works, toll booths and 8 hour traffic jams.

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So after months of Kane’s ‘Embrace the Hate’ campaign the big heel turn finally happened. John Ce- what’s that? He didn’t? Well who did then? Eve? EVE?!?!

Yes that’s right folks, Eve turned heel by admitting she had been using Zack Ryder to get what she wants (acting lessons?) and that she was going to use John Cena too. Jumpin’ John was alive to her jive though, and told her he didn’t want no part of her disease-ridden freak ass booty.

What the point of turning Eve heel at this moment in time is, I have no idea. Is she going to be a part of John Cena’s heel turn (if the damn thing ever happens)? Will she somehow end up with Kane – the Big Red Machine and the Big Red Ho? Will Zack Ryder return to open up a can of whoop ass on Eve? So many questions.

Bit disappointed that Zack didn’t show up last night in a full body-cast to confront Eve before Kane came out and physically burned him, dropped him off a 40 storey building, threw him in a vat of acid, ran him over with a steamroller and then buried him 80 feet underground. We’d then get an update from a solemn Michael Cole: “Zack Ryder has suffered a concussion”.

Ryder is like the WWE’s version of Jason Voorhees so they should repackage him as such. Then he can chase Eve around with a machete.

I’d watch that.


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John Cena cut a really good promo on the Rock last night, free from cheese I’m happy to report. The way things are going it’s getting harder and harder to see how they’re going to turn Cena heel or what the justification for it will be. In fact I’m starting to think there won’t be a Cena heel turn at Wrestlemania after all. After all that build up and thinking about all the great possibilities that could occur, we’re going to end up disappointed.

This whole deal has been like going on a night out, meeting a really hot chick and having a great time with her, then come the end of the night - just when you think your luck is in - she turns around and says she has a boyfriend.

Therefore, John Cena versus the Rock = the hot chick who has a boyfriend.


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Triple H finally accepted the Undertaker’s challenge for a match at Wrestlemania 28. The Game-uhh stated that he would take on the Deadman in the most brutal match in the history of our great sport: A Bra & Panties match!....... sorry, my mistake it’s going to be the second most brutal match in the history of our great sport: Heck in a Cell!

After the amount of shortcuts we saw in their bout last year, there is no doubt in my mind that we’ll see one or both of these guys blading. Whether or not they do it with permission from the office remains to be seen. These guys were fined (apparently) for using a chair shot to the head last year so I hope they don’t tell anyone that they’re both going to juice.

Then the most nail-biting moment in the match will be the trainers frantically trying to get into the Cell to wipe the blood off Taker and Hunter’s faces: “OH GOD IT’S LOCKED! IT’S LOCKED DAMMIT! WHERE’S THE KEY? WHERE’S THE KEY? OH GOD THEY’RE BLEEDING! OH THE HUMANITY! WHERE’S THE KEY?!?!”

Feel the drama. FEEL IT!


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So Chris Jericho finally became the number one contender to the WWE title by winning a battle royal to set up his match with CM Punk at Wrestlemania 28. This whole angle has been ass backward ever since the return of the ‘Ayatollah of Roly Poly’.

The only way they can redeem things now is for Chris Brown to accompany Jericho to ringside at Wrestlemania, have him interfere liberally throughout the match before we get a run-in from Rihanna who takes out Y2J with the GTS then busts Chris Brown wide open with a steel chair that’s been set on fire.

Book it NOOOOOOOOOOW!


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Wade Barrett dislocated his elbow during the battle royal last night, meaning he’s going to miss Wrestlemania 28. It might seem like a bad thing on the surface but when you look at it this might be a blessing in disguise for Wade.

He didn’t really have anything lined up for Wrestlemania and was one of the guys who most likely would have been thrown into the Money in the Bank match as an afterthought, which in my opinion is somewhat beneath him at this stage. Guys like Cody Rhodes and Dolph Ziggler also fall into this category; nothing lined up for Wrestlemania at the moment but too good really to be chucked into a MITB match.

So I’m guessing that as we speak Cody and Dolph are desperately trying to dislocate their elbows.


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Remember when everyone was saying that WWE would really start to solidify the Wrestlemania 28 card on the RAW after Elimination Chamber? God I miss those days. As it stands we’ve got 4 announced matches and a stack of guys and gals who SHOULD be doing something at Wrestlemania but don’t appear to be anywhere nearer sorting out what they’re going to be doing on the big show (not Paul Wight).

Where was the Rock? Where was Kharma? Where was Shaquille O’ Neal?


And where the flip were the Jefferson Impact vignettes?!?


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Daniel Bryan Danielson versus Shamoose for the World Heavyweight Championship has been confirmed for Wrestlemania 28.

What’s the bets they get bumped from the main card to the dark match?


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It looks as if Teddy Long could be heading for a feud with John Laurinaitis over control of Smackdown and RAW. Whilst I’m not too fussed whether or not T-Lo continues as Smackdown GM, I’m a bit worried that if the ‘Dude with Attitude’ runs both shows we could end up with Johnny Ace overkill – it wouldn’t be the first time that WWE have taken something successful and completely run it into the ground.

If Teddy does gets relieved of his duties (he said ‘doodies’ *chuckle*) on Smackdown then I hope they run a series of vignettes where his house gets repossessed and he gets kicked out onto the street. We’d then get to see him trying to mack on various bag ladies, drinking with tramps reminiscing about his days managing Doom – “They was the greatest tag team of all times playa!” - and sitting at the side of the road with a sign saying “WILL MAKE THIS MATCH A TAG MATCH FOR MONEY”.


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Santino Marella was the star of the Elimination Chamber pay per view. Yes, THAT Santino Marella. Whether or not WWE will do anything of consequence with him after his showing in the Chamber is anybody’s guess, although getting squashed by Daniel Bryan Danielson on RAW wasn’t a very good start. They’ve got someone who’s over, connects with the fans, can work in the ring (as well as work the crowd) and has shown himself to be a company guy by cheerfully throwing himself into whatever rubbish they’ve dumped in his lap.

So he’ll probably be blamed for the Elimination Chamber buy-rate coming in lower than expected and get completely buried.


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Brodus Clay has been sent back to FCW because Vince McMahon feels his in-ring work isn’t where it should be. In other words, the ‘Funkasaurus’ gimmick wasn’t supposed to get over like it did and instead of just running with it WWE are going to bury Brodus back in developmental.

It’s classic WWE though; they ‘punish’ someone by giving them a crappy gimmick and then get annoyed if fans actually like the damn thing.

I can just picture Vince sitting there in his office staring at a mirror: “What’s that Face? Oh you think you’re something special do you? Well you won’t be laughing when I cut Nose off! HAHA! HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW FACE?!?”


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Remember those ‘WWF Desire’ videos they used to do to the song ‘My Sacrifice’ by Creed? They should totally make one of those for the Great Khali. I can picture it now:

The song starts; we get lots of slow motion footage of Khali being eliminated from Royal Rumbles, battle royals and Elimination Chamber matches, some more slo-mo footage of him from his ‘Punjabi Playboy’ days dancing around, slo-mo footage of him with the goat he brought to Smackdown that one time, then a voice-over of a serious sounding Khali saying “GHAAERRTTAGH MOOOSH TEBAA HAAAWWW. SHEWWW NEEEAAATT BLOSH MANAHOOGARANA DEEEEPPAAAAKKK. NASHOOOOGLY FREEEAAARGH CURTAINS AWWNAAAHH BOOF”......... ♫MY SACRIFIIIIIIIIIIIICE♫

Friggin’ epic.


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Bobby Roode beat up Sting at the close of this week’s (Jefferson) Impact. The power of double denim wasn’t enough to thwart the leader of the Selfish Generation, as Roode kicked the Stinger low and then smacked him in the head with the TNA World title belt. For good measure he took off Sting’s sunglasses and WORE THEM HIMSELF! The scoundrel!

I was hoping for a second that when Roode took of Sting’s shades that a high-powered optic blast would shoot from the Icon’s eyes like Cyclops from X-Men. Alas, it was not to be.

Missed a trick there TNA.


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As for the TNA World Heavyweight Champion, we were treated to yet another one of those 10 minute post pay per view match promos on (Jefferson) Impact where he said all the same things he’s been saying for goodness knows how long, and Jeff Hardy said all the same things he’s been saying for goodness knows how long – only with added swearing, Ric Flair must be SO proud – to the point where I honestly couldn’t remember when they started feuding or how many matches they’ve had since then.

I tried working it out and I think it’s 1975 and 18,673. Might be a little out on that though.


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Bully Ray cut a promo where he referred to himself as ‘Calfzilla’. Dunno about you but I can really see this catching on. I mean who wouldn’t want a ‘Calfzilla’ t-shirt?

Exactly.


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Immortal – yeah they’re still around – came out to cut a promo. The highlights for me were the return of Chelsea and everyone being handed a cigar that they didn’t bother lighting up. Immortal is a great faction, they’ve got two wrestlers – one of whom doesn’t even associate with the group any more – two managerial type figures and one piece of arm candy. Which is the obvious blueprint (not Matt Morgan, although..........) for a group in professional wrestling.

One thing struck me as kind of odd though. When Eric Bischoff addressed his son, the toughest SOB in TNA, the People’s Champion, the Excellence of Execution; the Immortal Garett Bischoff, he said “Don’t you ever step in my business again!”

Step in your ‘business’? Well I’m sorry Eric but if you’re going around pooping all over the place then you can hardly blame Garett for standing in it. Maybe you should talk to Ric Flair about getting some incontinence pants:

“WOOOO! MEAN BY GAWD GENE! THEY’RE PLASTIC & FLIPPING FANTASTIC! THEY GIVE ME THE CONFIDENCE TO LEAD A NORMAL LIFE! WOOOO! A LIFE OF STYLIN’! A LIFE OF PROFILIN’! A LIFE OF BLADIN’! A LIFE OF WHEELCHAIRIN’! WOOOO! THE NAITCHA FLIPPING BWAAAAH! WILL NEVER REATAAAAH! OR GET CAUGHT SHORT AGAIN! WOOOO!”


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TNA crowned a new number one contender to the Knockouts championship following a Knockouts Battle Royal. I didn’t watch all of it, as I was picking lint out of my belly button, but I managed to catch the closing stages where Velvet Sky, Angelina Love and Sarita were the final three.

There were a few things that I noticed:

1) Love and Sarita made a complete hash of the 2 on 1 beatdown of Velvet Sky, they just looked gormless.

2) Velvet Sky isn’t exactly fluid in the ring. Even running the ropes looks like it takes all of her brain power to do.

3) As they were building towards the big finish, Sarita put Sky in a reverse chinlock, whilst Angelina Love just stood there. A REVERSE CHINLOCK? IN A BATTLE ROYAL? WHAT THE HELL?!?! It was one of those facepalm moments that has you questioning the intellect of wrestlers, like when someone goes for a pinfall attempt in a Submission match.


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TNA and Vince Russo have parted ways. Where this leaves Russo is unknown, although it’s unlikely he’ll return to WWE as his last stint there pretty much ended before it began, with his ideas deemed to be too ‘out there’ or completely unworkable. I thought his proposal for the Rock to develop homosexual tendencies had nothing but win written all over it. What might have been eh?

There’s always Ring of Honor though, I’m sure Vinnie Ru would fit right in there and Jim Cornette would welcome him with open arms. So watch this space as Davey Richards becomes ‘Dancing’ Davey Richards – a man who gets overcome by the boogie at the most inopportune times – it’s revealed that the Briscoes aren’t really brothers and one of them was sired by Kevin Kelly, Kevin Steen is repackaged as Kevin Springsteen; nephew of ‘The Boss’ who was born to run and enjoys dancing in the dark, Maria Kanellis turns on her boyfriend ‘The Prodigy’ Mike Bennett and runs off with the hottest stud in all of ROH: Vince Russo and Shelton Benjamin’s mama makes a welcome return – only this time she’s Chinese.

Ring of Honor will be taken to new heights, I guarantee it.


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What the hell happened to all the sequinned robes in wrestling? Nobody wears them anymore and I think it’s a travesty. Nothing says “I’m a badass and I’m gonna whoop your keister” like a dressing gown with . on it.

I’m going to campaign for their return. Guys like CM Punk, John Cena and Randy Orton have nothing going for them but with a sequinned robe they could be huge.

Sort it out dammit.


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“What’s that Face? Oh you think you’re something special do you? Well you won’t be laughing when I cut Nose off! HAHA! HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW FACE?!?”

If Teddy does gets relieved of his duties (he said ‘doodies’ *chuckle*) on Smackdown then I hope they run a series of vignettes where his house gets repossessed and he gets kicked out onto the street. We’d then get to see him trying to mack on various bag ladies, drinking with tramps reminiscing about his days managing Doom – “They was the greatest tag team of all times playa!” - and sitting at the side of the road with a sign saying “WILL MAKE THIS MATCH A TAG MATCH FOR MONEY”.

This has to happen

Superb as ever Y2D2. Favourite part:

"Step in your ‘business’? Well I’m sorry Eric but if you’re going around pooping all over the place then you can hardly blame Garett for standing in it. Maybe you should talk to Ric Flair about getting some incontinence pants:"

What’s that Face? Oh you think you’re something special do you? Well you won’t be laughing when I cut Nose off! HAHA! HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW FACE?!?

Every time I read this I can see and hear Vince looking in the mirror and saying this

If Teddy does gets relieved of his duties (he said ‘doodies’ *chuckle*) on Smackdown then I hope they run a series of vignettes where his house gets repossessed and he gets kicked out onto the street. We’d then get to see him trying to mack on various bag ladies, drinking with tramps reminiscing about his days managing Doom – “They was the greatest tag team of all times playa!” - and sitting at the side of the road with a sign saying “WILL MAKE THIS MATCH A TAG MATCH FOR MONEY”.

Im with Gaffer on this that would be amazing

"WILL MAKE THIS MATCH A TAG MATCH FOR MONEY”

They need t-shirts with this printed on...It would sell...

I didnt get the calfzilla bit on Impact but it was funny as ....