Random Thoughts.....

This week’s ‘Random Thoughts’ is dedicated to the giants of professional wrestling who truly made RAW what it is today but for various reasons couldn’t make the 1000th episode of the show. Damien Demento, KWANG!, Mantaur, Well Dunn, Tekno Team 2000, Freddie Joe Floyd, the Truth Commission, BB, Beaver Cleavage, Max Mini, Clarence Mason, Rodney, Sylvain Grenier and Kerwin White we salute you.


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The highly anticipated WWE title match between CM Punk and Jumpin’ John Cena main evented the 1000th RAW and ended in controversy. Following interference from the Big Show, Cena won by DQ but didn’t win the belt. Show then proceeded to molest Jumpin’ John, whilst Punk looked on and did nothing.

This brought out the Rock, who appeared to have lost his t-shirt from earlier in the night, and he went to town on the Big Show. “Which town?” I hear you ask. Piddlehinton I think. Just as he was about to deliver a People’s Elbow – following a spot of ‘Hulking Up’ which looked kinda strange – CM Punk jumped back in the ring and clotheslined Rocky almost out of his boots. After a spell of staring at his hands - although nowhere near as epic as WORYAH! at Wrestlemania 7 – Punk lifted the Rock up and nailed him with the Go To Sleep.

CM Punk left the ring to a chorus of boos, which is what the WWE were hoping would happen a year ago when he dropped his pipe bomb. Oh you didn’t know? Yeah Punk wasn’t meant to be turned face back then, he was meant to be the ultimate ingrate that fans would despise.

WWE will have to be careful this time around if they want him to stay heel. He can’t be allowed to cut awesome promos and he can’t be allowed to speak the truth that in turn has people saying “You know what? He’s right!” So basically to explain his actions he can’t say that he got fed up of being overshadowed by John Cena and the Rock even though HE is WWE Champion. He’s got to come up with something that will make everyone hate him.

He’s got to team up with Matt Hardy.


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The Rock declared on the 100th RAW that whoever is WWE champion come the Royal Rumble will face none other than Barry Horowitz! Or it could be the Rock. Yeah that seems more likely to be honest. Both CM Punk and Daniel Bryan Danielson with his awesome all white microphone reckoned that they’d be the one to face ‘The Great One’ on the paper view, but the Rock gave the impression that DBD didn’t have a chance, levelling him with a Rock Bottom.

So they’ve set up another Rock match in the distant future, this time giving us 6 months warning. Early signs point to it being Punk v Rock (awesome tag line, we need to get John Lydon and James Hetfield to be in their corners) at the Rumble and in all likelihood the Rock will win the WWE title to set up a match at Wrestlemania 29 against Royal Rumble winner The Berzerker. Or else it’ll be John Cena.

What’s that? The Rock and John Cena have already faced each other at Wrestlemania? My God you’re right! And didn’t they say it was a ‘once in a lifetime’ match?! This can mean only one thing:

WWE is going to kill us all before Wrestlemania 29.


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Triple H put on his serious face to get an answer out of Brock Lesnar regarding the Game-uhh’s proposal of marriage for Summerslam. Wait that’s not right. It was a match. Trips wants a match with Brock at Summerslam. Pity.

Brock Lesnar didn’t come to the ring, instead we got Paul Heyman out to respond to the challenge. He said the answer was still “No”. Then Heyman made a comment about Triple H’s children, which made the Cerebral Ass. Ass. In. angry and you wouldn’t like to see him angry. Because it brings out his wife.

Yes, Mrs. Game-uhh Stephanie McMahon-Levesque-Helmsley made her way out to the ring to chew bubble gum and kick ass, and she was all out of ass. She proceeded to tell Heyman never to mention her kids again, and then went on to mention his kids. Figures. She claimed they were ashamed of their father whilst bigging up her husband and HER father. Figures. Steph then put the icing on the top of the ego cake by slapping Paul Heyman.

The slap was the final straw for Paul E. Dangerously, and he accepted Triple H’s challenge on behalf on Brock Lesnar (if I was Brock I’d be seriously peed at Heyman for that) before Steph decided to pound seven more shades of shoite out of Paulie to put the cherry on top of the icing on the top of the ego cake.

This brought out Brock Lesnar, who decided it would be super awesome to do his little jig at the top of the ramp whilst his representative got the tar beaten out of him. When Lesnar eventually decided to come to the ring he was sent packing by the greatest wrestler of all time’s husband. Brock and Trips then decided to remove their shirts in order to sell some paper views. They sold me on it, I’m buying Summerslam.

I was a bit surprised when Brock came out to see Triple H ushering Stephanie out of the ring. Clearly it should have been the other way about.


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In the ‘Wedding Of This Or Any Other Century’, nuptials turned to napalm on the 10th RAW when AJ left Daniel Bryan Danielson high and dry at the altar......I mean wrestling ring and decided she’d rather be RAW General Manager than his awful wedded wife.

I said before during the whole AJ / Punk / DBD angle that she was on the verge of entering John Laurinaitis overkill territory and unfortunately she’s now in a role that could push her beyond it. AJ as GM could be friggin’ awesome but you just know that WWE will more than likely balls this up. Vince would do well to remember that “Less is more” but with him it’s a case of “More is more! Quite frankly, more is not enough dammit! I’m Vince McMahon! I want more than more! What’s more than more? Whatever it is, get me it dammit!”

I wish to Jebus the wedding had gone ahead because I had this awesome, never been done before idea for the aftermath. AJ and DBD would be opening their wedding presents, AJ would open one and out would pop a real life cobra! Then the Undertaker and Jake ‘The Snake’ Roberts would blindside DBD before being run off by Sid! Imagine the shenanigans that could ensue!

WWE should pay me for coming up with this kind of stuff, they really should.


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The Miz became the Intermilan Champion on the 10,000th RAW when he defeated Christian. Say what you want about the Miz but his reaction whenever he wins a title always makes the belt seem important. Pity then that it’ll probably be treated as an afterthought henceforth.

It’s tough to see where they go from here with the Miz and the IC title, there’s hardly a wealth of mid-card faces for him to oppose. And more established guys he could go up against – Kane, Rey Mysterio, Yoshi Tatsu – are probably seen as being beneath the Intermittent Championship.

I think they should just cut their losses and release the Miz, it’s best for all concerned.


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Heath Slater’s (probable) 15 minutes of fame came to a conclusion on the 231st RAW at the hands of Lita and the APA. Slater was nailed with a Twist of Fate, a Clothesline from Hell (which he sold like he was the second coming of Shawn Michaels) before Lita finished him off with a moonsault. The legends then had a big hugging session topped off with a rendition of “We Are The World”. Wait, that last bit didn’t happen, Ron Simmons shouted “DAMN!” into a microphone instead.

Where Slater goes from here is anybody’s guess. Will he get a chance to move up the card as a “Thank you” for his efforts?

Nah.


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The Undertaker made his return to our television screens on the 999th RAW. The comeback of ‘The Phenom’ can be summed up in two words:

HOODIE FAIL.

Yes, unfortunately for the ‘Deadman’ his entrance descended into Botchamania territory when the hood on his shiny, spiky robe didn’t want to be parted from his head. Knowing how seriously the Undertaker takes his gimmick someone backstage probably got fired for that. Hopefully it was the same seamstress who never did get Mike Awesome those tights with ‘Awesome’ written down both legs.

As for Taker’s in-ring contribution, well he and his brother Kane decided it might be fun to beat up some jobbers and HUNICO. They messed with the wrong muchacho though, as HUNICO ended this segment by nailing the Undertaker with a VICIOUS Inverted Reverse Double Kneebreaker. What’s that? It was a Tombstone piledriver by the Undertaker? Puh-lease! Shows what you know! It was clearly an Inverted Reverse Double Kneebreaker by HUNICO.

In fact, judging by the force with which HUNICO drove the Undertaker’s knees into the mat, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if Taker is seriously hurt and we don’t see him for months.

You know this to be true.


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Degeneration X reunited for one night only (again) to kick off the 62nd RAW. Triple H and Shawn Michaels partied like it was 1997 before they realised that “there used to be more of them”. This brought out the rest of DX in a jeep and we had an emotional reunion in the ring before they were accosted by Damien Sandow. In the biggest shocker of the night, Sandow was beaten up by DX before being thrown out of the ring.

Whilst the return of DX was all well and good, there was something - or should I say somebody – missing. A founding member of the group, who was there from its inception but was snubbed from this reunion in a huge show of disrespect. You all know who I’m talking about:

Rick Rude.

I was flabbergasted that they didn’t extend an invitation to DX’s former ‘insurance policy’. What kind of heartless barstewards are running this company?!

On a sidenote, Chyna’s never looked better in my opinion. Not too sure why she was rocking a bandana mind you.


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As for the rest of the night, one of the highlights of the 433rd RAW was undoubtedly the appearance of Mae Young’s son ‘Hand’. Pity Mark Henry didn’t show up with them but I guess you can’t have it all.

Only problem I can see with this is the fact that the majority of people seemed to get a kick out of this, so chances are ‘Hand’ will be General Manager of RAW this time next week.


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Tyler Reks and Curt Hawkins were busy on Twitter prior to the 1,000,000,000th RAW trying to get a tag team title match on the big show (not Paul Wight). Fat (not Paul Wight) lot of good it did them, but it highlights what’s wrong with today’s WWE.

Back in the day, Reks and Hawkins would have worked hard, kissed ass, played the political game and spread malicious rumours about their competition. Now, they reckon that all they need to do is go on Twitter and a get a couple of dozen jackasses tweeting “Yeh u guyz total e shud get a title match! ZOMG1!!!!” and it’ll happen.

Zack Ryder has killed the wrestling business.

And it’s the Miz’s fault.

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(Jefferson) Impact kicked off with ‘The Cowboy’ James Storm, who decided to call out Kurt Angle for Open Fight Night after discussing a range of topics including Austin Aries’ title win, Bobby Roode, Aces & Eights, Hulk Hogan and the possibility of economic reform in North Korea.

As Storm waited for Kurt we got the same deal as last week with Sting and Hulk Hogan, where Angle’s music played a couple of times before we cut to a backstage shot of Aces & Eights laying out the Olympic Gold Medallist with a Broken Freakin’ Neck. There was a lot of bleeping stuff out so I’m assuming that 2 of the members of Aces & Eights are Scott Steiner and the Iron Sheik.

I hope TNA don’t do any more of these “So and so gets called out, their music plays numerous times before it’s revealed they’re getting beaten up backstage” type deals because it’s already getting old. It also doesn’t help that Mike Tenay and The Taz feign ignorance at what’s going on. It’s gonna get to the point where this happens;

Jeff Hardy calls out Tara stating there’s only room for one massive lesbian in TNA.

Tara’s music plays.

Tara doesn’t come out.

Jeff looks confused.

Tara’s music plays a second time.

The Taz: “Here she comes!”

Tara doesn’t come out.

Mike Tenay: “Where can Tara be?”

The Taz: “Not for nuthin’ Tenay, but I ain’t got no idea where Tara could be right now. But she ain’t here”.

This goes on until Tara’s music plays for the 17th time.

The Taz: “Here she comes! She’s here now Tenay! THIS time she’s here!”

Tara doesn’t come out.

Cameras cut backstage to Tara being beaten up by Aces & Eights.

Mike Tenay: “My God! Taz! I can’t believe it! It’s them again! What a shocker!”

The Taz: “Not for nuthin’ Tenay, but I ain’t got no clue what’s goin’ on. There ain’t not nobody who got no clue what’s goin’ on!”

Then again, that could make for some captivating television.


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Austin Aries and Bobby Roode went one-on-one to determine who had the better entrance attire. It was shiny cape versus sequinned robe in a match where all the marbles were on the line - quite literally because whoever won got to add marbles to their garment. Unfortunately, Aces & Eights made their presence felt and attacked Aries before turning their attention to Roode which means the marbles will have to go unused.

The thing that struck me about this match was the crowd chanting what sounded like “We want t-shirts!” at one point during the proceedings. Do TNA have to bribe people to attend their shows by offering free t-shirts?

Probably.


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The hits just kept on coming in the feud of the century between AJ Styles and ‘The Alcoholic Icon’ Claire Lynch. She confronted AJ after his match with Mr. Anderson, trying to jog his memory with regards their night of relations of an intimate nature. Styles claimed he had no recollection of such events. Lynch then revealed some photographs showing an unconscious AJ in bed, with Claire getting all up in his grill making kissy faces.

Never mind the photographs; I’m more concerned about something ‘The Junkie Dog’ Claire Lynch said during this segment. She claimed that she’d called AJ from the hotel in a bit of a state after having a couple of shandies and Styles went round to check on her and HAD A FEW DRINKS HIMSELF! So AJ’s solution to helping out an alcoholic is to go round to their place and get shmammered too?!?

Just as well she didn’t call him to say she was on fire, cos AJ Styles would have gone round to hers, doused himself in petrol and lit a match.

Phenomenal my ass.


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Samoa Joe picked up 836,915 points in the Big Friendly Giant Series for making the Pope tap out on (Jefferson) Impact. Joe cut a promo before the match saying that there was no-one in the back who wanted to call him out for Open Fight Night, so he was going to call someone out.

Only problem with that was the fact Mike Tenay stated at the beginning of the broadcast that the current top points scorers in the BFG Series – of which Joe was one - were going to be allowed to call out their opponents.

Good to see that Joe keeps an eye on what’s going on in TNA though, he’s totally clued up on all the latest developments. Tune in next week when he calls out Sonny Siaki, requests some interview time with Don West and claims he’s joined Vince Russo’s Sports Entertainment Xtreme faction to take the NWA World Heavyweight title from Jeff Jarrett.


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Rob Van Dam followed recent TNA babyface protocol by calling out Christopher Daniels for being a big old meanie and picking on poor defenceless AJ Styles. Aside from a missed side kick by RVD (for one horrible split second it looked as if Daniels was actually going to sell the damn thing) the highlight of this match was the colour commentary provided by Bellator’s play by play announcer Sean Wheelock.

In between bigging up some future Bellator fights he enlightened us with some pearls of wisdom such as “A kick there from RVD. We LOVE to see kicks in MMA” and “He used a knee there. We LOVE to see knees in MMA”. I was just waiting for him to pipe up with “How much does dis guy weigh?”

Screw Jesse Ventura, Bobby Heenan, and Jerry Lawler, Sean Wheelock is clearly the greatest colour commentator OF ALL TIME!

And you know what? They LOVE to see colour commentators in MMA.


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This month’s Gut Check segment was set to feature a guy called Sam Shaw who came to the ring in Zach Gowen’s ring shorts, John Cena’s old Adidas-style wrestling boots and shouting “YES!” a lot. So you know the guy’s money.

Alas, his time to shine was cut short by Aces & Eights who decided that to get noticed they’d have to take out a REALLY big name and there’s no bigger name in all of professional wrestling than Sam Shaw. (Jefferson) Impact cut to commercial with Shaw taking a beating and when we returned he was being helped out of the ring by Al Snow, Bruce Pritchard and The Taz, all to a standing ovation from 3 people and Brian Hebner. Which has to be the highlight of anybody’s career. Ever.

To be honest, I’m getting fed up of all these bland, generic wrestlers taking part in Gut Check. It’s all “I love wrestling, it’s been my dream to be a wrestler since I was a foetus, I’ve worked so hard to get here blah blah frickin’ blah”. Boring.

If these guys and gals want to get a contract and generate any long term interest they need to break from the norm. We need something like a guy dressed up as Cher from her ‘Turn Back Time’ music video saying he’s originally from the planet NAAARG, he’s been wandering the Earth for 85 years trying to get home and he’s recently discovered that the only way for him to get back to his planet is to win TNA World title because it contains the Dallaspage diamond that’s needed to run his spaceship’s reactor. Only then can he return to his home and free his people from the evil clutches of the tyrannical despot Lionel Blair.

How can Bruce Pritchard, Al Snow and The Taz say “No” to that?

Exzackly!


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We got an update on the condition of Hulk Hogan from his daughter Brooke. The Executive Vice President of Anonymous General Knockouts told us that Hulk has over 200 stitches, he’s suffered a dozen concussions, he’s broken bones, he’s separated shoulders, damn near broke his neck, he’s blown out knees and now has to poop in a bag.

Never mind all that though, I’m more worried about Brooke’s voice. It’s so deep that when she was on the phone it made her sound like Nailz cutting a promo. I guess the Big Bossman must have whacked her in the throat with his nightstick too, if you know what I mean!!!

That’s one of them there innuendos.

In your endo.


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Kevin Nash claims there’s going to be an nWo reunion somewhere and that when they come in “We come in in take over mode”. This has fuelled speculation of a return to TNA for ‘Big Sexy Hair’.

This is just what TNA needs cos it’s not like they were making any great strides with the product lately. I mean who needs great wrestling and (for the most part) logical storylines when you can rehash the nWo! Who the hell is there left to be a part of the nWo with Nash anyway? Hogan’s washed up and playing the face GM role, Hall’s probably engaged in a slobberknocker with his personal demons, Sean Waltman’s in the WWE, as is Paul Wight.

So I guess that leaves Kevin Nash, Scott Norton, Buff Bagwell and Virgil / Vincent.

Jesus wept.


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Best one ever for me. Literally laughed out loud uncontrollably at the Brock Lesnar bit, the HUNICO bit and the Chyna bit!

"Jeff Hardy calls out Tara stating there’s only room for one massive lesbian in TNA."

Class, absolute class!

Another excellent Random Thoughts!

"The legends then had a big hugging session topped off with a rendition of “We Are The World”. Wait, that last bit didn’t happen,

As I was watching it, I thought it was a bit like that. Which makes what you said that bit more funnier.

Top class mate, these should be a feature in PowerSlam

this is absolute genius mate, comedy gold

Best one yet Y2D2. Funny from start to finish.

You read Powerslam gaffer?

I read Powerslam gaffer and liverbnz, I enjoy it

another great installment

Brightened my day. Very very funny.

I subscribe to Powerslam.

The Best in the World wrote:I read Powerslam gaffer and liverbnz, I enjoy it

I used to get every copy between 2000 and 2003 but stopped reading as the writers always seemed to have the same axe to grind and constantly 'grinded' issue after issue.

I used to buy it every month but not bothered since the Feb issue, I like it, I don't agree with all the opinions on it but I like the fact they present logic to their reasoning and thinking