Random Thoughts.....

This edition of ‘Random Thoughts’ snacks on danger and dines on death. Failing that, it’s got a packet of Wotsits and a Curly Wurly to hopefully see it through to the end.


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WWE Champion Chunky Munky Punk opened RAW this week in Flair Country – Charlotte, North Cackalacky - gloating about his victory over Ryberg and proclaiming his all round awesomeness. He pointed at a bunch of people from Jim Ross to Michael Cole to the Spanish Announce Team © to various fans saying that they were “Wrong!”, which I’m pretty sure Edge did not that long ago. ‘Best in the World’ my ass, ‘Best Recycler of Old Promos in the World’ more like! Eh? Eh? Am I right? Whaddaya mean no?!

Anyway, CM Punk was interrupted by Mick Foley who said that the WWE Champeen had embarrassed himself at Hell in a Cell, and had passed up the opportunity to become a legend. Punk retaliated by challenging Mick to a traditional Survivor Series match. Because that makes sense. Foley accepted and the match was on like Donkey Kong. Team Punk versus Team Foley!

Later on in the night the two teams were introduced; CM Punk’s team was hand picked by Paul Heyman and consisted of The Miz, Team Rhodes Scholars and Alberto Del Boy Trotter. I wish to Jebus that Punk had turned to Heyman and said “What, you couldn’t get Brock?”

Mick Foley made his entrance and presented his team to the world; Kofi Kingston, Team Hell No and Randy Orton. Punk interjected and said that although Foley had built himself a fine team, Team Punk had a cunning plan: To eliminate everyone but Mick which would leave the ‘Hardcore Legend’ at the mercy of the WWE Champion! The fiends! Mick replied that he wouldn’t be wrestling in the match, but instead be in the corner of his team. He then introduced the final member of Team Foley; JEFFERSON IMPACT! Actually, it was Ryberg who came to the ring but you marked out for a second there didn’t ya? I did too and I’m writing the damn thing.

I’ve got to say I’m a bit disappointed with the team names. Team Punk and Team Foley is a bit lazy, especially when you consider that each team contains a Team Hell No and a Team Rhodes Scholars. Get a bit more creative WWE Creative!

Punk’s team should be called PRAMS (Punk, Rhodes, Alberto, Miz, Sandow) and there are two possible choices for Foley’s team: DR. KOK (Daniel, Ryberg, Kane, Orton, Kofi) or else an amalgamation of the Three Faces of Foley: Cactus Man Love.

Make it so WWE.


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After the Punk / Foley confrontation, the defeated Ryberg came out to take on JTG. He made short work of the former Cryme Tymer before Josh Matthews stepped into the ring for a quick word with Skip Sheffield. Unfortunately, instead of eating the microphone Goldback decided to talk into it. Equally unfortunately, he didn’t say “Yip yip yip, what it do”, but instead growled something about being hungry and wanting to feed on CM Punk. Which may have had sexual connotations.

This segment ended with Ryberg leading the crowd in a “Feed me spunk” chant, which I thought was a little bit inappropriate for a PG rated show but what the hell do I know?


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The John Cena / AJ Lee scandal continued apace this week, with Vickie Guerrero setting out to prove she had evidence of an affair between Jumpin’ John and the former General Manager of RAW. Vickie showed footage of Cena ‘hilariously’ asking out AJ, which he shot down as a joke. And here was me thinking jokes were meant to be funny. Then Vickie produced a photo of their ‘dinner date’, which highlighted two things; first off, for a guy as rich as Jumpin’ John he sure did take AJ to a crappy looking restaurant, in fact one might say it looked like a back room at the Time Warner Cable Arena in Charlotte, North Cackalacky made up to resemble a restaurant! One might say that, but they would be wrong of course.

The second major talking point from this photo was the fact that Jumpin’ John was wearing a pair of jean shorts and one of his own t-shirts to dinner! How much does this guy love himself?! I hope for AJ’s sake they’re not actually having an affair, because you just KNOW that Jumpin’ John makes her wear a John Cena mask, John Cena t-shirt, John Cena baseball cap and John Cena wrist bands when they’re bumping uglies:

“John, you can’t see me!”

“Oh yeah, that’s the stuff! Say it again!”

“No John, I mean you can’t see my face because I have to wear this mask!”

“I know, that’s the way I like it”.


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There was another major talking point stemming from the John Cena / Vickie Guerrero promo. Dolph Ziggler came to the ring to admonish Jumpin’ John for all the sordid shenanigans he was getting up to. Cena cut Dolph off by grabbing him by the collar and telling him never to utter the names Jumpin’ John and AJ Lee in the same sentence again. He then shoved Ziggler onto his keister and stormed out of the ring.

The big deal here is that when Dolph got shoved he didn’t fall down with any flips or rotations or anything! He went straight from feet to ass with nothing in between.

Which has to be a first.


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Former World Heavyweight Champion Shamoose came out to talk to us about his defeat at Hell in a Cell. For a fella who lost the second most important title in the sport of professional wrestling entertainment he was surprisingly chipper. ‘The Great White’ explained that although he was disappointed to lose the title, he was happy because he hadn’t come to WWE to win all the time (Umm..... why not? Winning’s awesome), he’d come to WWE to fight and his match with the Big Show was the greatest fight of his loife fella.

For some reason, Shamoose was feeling pretty chuffed with himself because he’d taken the fight to the Big Show. Which to me is nothing to crow about because pretty much everyone has taken the fight to the Big Show. Like everyone EVER.

Saying you took the fight to the Big Show is the equivalent of boasting about being able to breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth.


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Intercontinental Champion Kofi Kingston faced off against the United States Champion Antonio Cesaro in a match that had the Miz on colour commentary. It was a pretty short match, notable for Michael Cole seemingly turning on the Miz by saying he’d done a big bunch of nothing lately and the post match shenanigans where R-Truth (who’s American by the way. Thanks JR) saved Kofi from a beatdown by Cesaro and the Miz.

I was disappointed with R-Truth making the save to be honest. Nothing against Ron Killings, it’s just that when Kofi said that the Miz had unleashed the wildcat at Hell in a Cell I was sure it signified the WWE return of Chris Harris.


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Beth Phoenix was fired by Vickie Guerrero on this week’s RAW for failing to beat AJ Lee in their first singles match. It’s been common knowledge for a while now that Phoenix would be leaving WWE after becoming disillusioned with the direction of the Diva’s division. She’s now free to pursue outside projects and spend time with her beau Edge.

So expect to see her back in WWE in about 3 months time when she’s had zero offers of an acting gig and Edge has shacked up with the Bella twins.


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Hulk Hogan and Jeffrey Nero Hardy kicked off this week’s (Jefferson) Impact with a tête-à-tête in the General Manager’s office. Hogan said that Jeff had taken TNA to new heights – at a time when their ratings (like WWE’s) are on a downward spiral – and Jeff said he was a changed man since Bound for Glory. So the operation must have been a success.

Jeff left the office carrying both his Powerpuff Girls World title belt and the original incarnation of the TNA World title that he hurriedly discarded last week. TNA must have come up with a plan! Oh wait, it turns out it was just Austin Aries nicking the original belt at the end of the show. Meh.

As Jeffrey Nero sauntered along the corridor he ran into the four competitors who were in line for a World title match later on in the show – James Storm, Kurt Angle, Bully Ray and Mr. Anderson. As the champ passed by each individual we heard an inner monologue from Jeff regarding each potential foe and how he had to find a weakness in each man and exploit it. It was quite probably the daftest thing ever seen on a wrestling programme since John Cena attempted a dropkick.

The only way this idea could have worked is if Jeff’s thoughts for each guy had actually been “DERP DERP HURR DURR DERP!” or if Patrick Stewart had performed a cameo as the voice in Jeff’s mind.

Epic.


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TNA transformed Bully Ray into a fiery, white meat babyface this week on (Jefferson) Impact, whilst in turn converting Devon into a money grabbing, fan hating über heel! ‘Calfzilla’ revealed that the reason he turned on Devon 2 years ago was because his brother from another mother and father had shown no regret over losing to the Motor City Machine Guns (in Team 3D’s final match) and had said “We’re rich, screw the fans”.

This was possibly the lamest thing I’ve ever seen since Zach Gowen tore his hamstring in his good leg. It’s the kind of thing you would have expected from Cartoon Era WWF or early 90’s WCW, not a wrestling company in 2012. If this is the best TNA can come up with I’m surprised they didn’t just have Devon turn his back on America and declare that he’d become an Iraqi sympathiser or else reveal that he’s the one behind Hurricane Sandy.

Also during this segment, for anybody who was in any doubt about the main objective of TNA, Devon reiterated it for us this past week on (Jefferson) Impact. During his confab in the ring with Bully Ray he said “This isn’t about you, it’s about Hogan”.

Thanks for clearing that up for us Devon, we’d ALMOST forgotten about TNA’s sole reason for being.


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Speaking of Aces & Eights, prior to their run-in with Bully Ray we were treated to an exclusive peek into their team meeting. First off, Devon stated that the President of Aces & Eights told him that they were to keep their masks on; anyone who lost their mask would lose out on their cut. So I’m guessing Devon has to work for free from now on then. Major bummer.

Next on the agenda was Devon saying that he’d brought some women with him to ‘entertain’ them later, which made the rest of the Aces & Eights very happy. I don’t get the thinking behind this; do TNA think that Aces & Eights are gonna be bigger heels because of it? Yeah, because hanging around with hot chicks is such a heelish thing to do innit? “Well I do declare! Those Aces & Eights chaps are cavorting around with some beautiful women! How very dare they! I shall not cheer for such scoundrels! I shall boo them instead!” Mind you, if Devon’s missed out on his cut since losing his mask then he’d only be able to afford uggos wouldn’t he?

Poor Aces & Eights, I feel kinda sorry for them now. Yeah I know they’re dastardly heels and all but no-one deserves getting jiggy with uggos do they?


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Austin Aries and Mr. Anderson had a heart-to-heart outside Hulk Hogan’s office following Anderson’s elimination from the running for a title shot. Anderson told Hogan “I don’t know what you want” so Hogan booted him out. For the record Ken, I’m pretty sure what he wants is to have relations of an intimate nature with Brooke Hogan, so remember that for next time.

Anyhoo, Aries was outside to provide a shoulder to cry on. But wait! It turns out he WASN’T there to console Kenny A after all! MONUMENTAL SHOCKER!!! In the biggest swerve since Nick Hogan crashed into a tree, Aries ripped the pi55 out of poor Kenneth. This lead to a bit of a to-do in the hallway, with Mr. Anderson gaining the upper hand by smashing a picture over Aries’ head. The intensity was off the charts as Aries responded with an “OWW!”

The segment ended with a stare down between Aries and Anderson before the whole thing was ruined by an overzealous director yelling “CUT!” before the camera faded out. It was a pretty amateurish mistake-ah to make-ah and served to highlight why backstage segments should, wherever possible, be pre-taped.

Although given TNA’s penchant for WCW-esque screw ups I wouldn’t be surprised if they left the “CUT!” in even if it had been a pre-taped segment.


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The former World Tag Team Champions of the World Kazaniels came out to sound off about not receiving a rematch for the titles against current champs Guerrnandez. They’d brought along a petition in hopes that the (Jefferson) Impact Zone would jot down their John Hancocks and this would sway TNA management into giving them a shot at the belts.

They were eventually joined by Chavo Guerrero (who’s related to Eddie Guerrero don’tcha know?) and Hernandez (who’s related to..... Chicharito). Despite the arrival of their biggest foes, Kazarian seemed more concerned with reattaching his pen to the clipboard containing the petition. Those budget cuts must have hit TNA pretty hard. Once the pen was safely affixed, Chavo cut a promo where he only mentioned Eddie 19 times. The only other notable point from this promo was how camp Chavo sounded.

Guerrnandez ended up signing the petition but I really can’t see this idea working for Kazaniels:

“Whatcha got there brother?”

“A petition for a title shot! Everybody in the (Jefferson) Impact Zone has signed it!”

“That’s impressive jack! How many signatures do you have brother?”

“Thirty-five!”

“WOW! That’s outstan..... wait what?”

“Uh.....thir.......thirty-five”

“Thirty-five?”

“Umm.......yeah...... thirty-five”

“No dice Kazaniels!”

Back to the drawing board lads.


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Why is Matt Morgan hanging around with Joey Ryan? He’s got some kind of gripe with Hulk Hogan (another angle involving Hogan, surely you jest? I don’t jest. And don’t call me Shirley) and wants revenge. Wait a minute, I think I just described Devon’s angle....... no..... hold on...... okay it turns out they’re both doing the same thing. Except Devon’s backed up by a biker gang and Morgan’s associating with a cheeseball.

Why didn’t they use Matt Morgan instead of Devon in Aces & Eights? Or at the very least use them both at differing points in the angle for a double big reveal? They’ve both got reasons to be PO’d at TNA and Hulk Hogan so instead of doing two separate angles why not chuck them all into one big angle jambalaya?

Hang on....... did ‘Random Thoughts’ just bring up a legitimate point for discussion? Sweet baby Jesus from Los Boricuas!

Scroll down to the next ‘Random Thought’ people, there’s nothing to see here!


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For the first hour of (Jefferson) Impact the commentary was handled by Jeremy Borash and Todd.... Pettengill . Okay, okay I didn’t catch Todd’s real name, but it’d be a gazillion times better if it was the actual Todd Pettengill – that guy was great. Remember WWF Mania? Just me then.

Anyway, Borash and his new BFF called the first hour and were nothing special. Todd Carty sounded like he’d just come out of announcer college. I don’t know where TNA found this guy or why they feel any particular need to use him, the only thing I can think of is he’s the product of a Hulk Hogan sex tape. (Just had an idea for a new entrance theme for Hulk Hogan, a remix of ‘Sex Bomb’ by Mousse T and Tom Jones called ‘Sex Tape’. It’s mun-ay!)

Back to the announcer situation. As we started the second hour of an enthralling (Jefferson) Impact, we were treated to the sight of Mike Tenay and The Taz sitting at the desk with Jeremy Borash and Todd Todderson standing behind them like a couple of schoolkids being shown around the (Jefferson) Impact Zone: “Look children! Here’s where Mike Tenay reads from his script and The Taz butchers the English language!”

The whole thing was super awkward as the two announce teams had to pretend to like each other. Unable to hide his true feelings any longer, The Taz shook his fist in a threatening manner which was his way of saying “Alright, get the frack outta here you bellends!” but Borash and The Todd actually gave him a fist bump! Forgive them The Taz, for they know not what they do. Meanwhile, Tenay was a simmering, seething pool of intense rage. I was just waiting for him to go medieval on their asses.

Why TNA feel the need to have two crappy announce teams instead of just one is beyond me. It’s like having the AIDS and then deciding to inject yourself with the Ebola virus.


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I had a thought – you might call it random – during one of those intros where the camera pans up from Christy Hemme’s feet to her face. How much more awesome would it be if the camera didn’t stop as usual and carried on upwards to a point just above her head so that Hemme had to keep jumping up to get her face on camera?

I think you’ll find the answer to that is: Very much more awesome.


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Diamond Dallas Page has stated that he’s helping Jake ‘The Snake’ Roberts get ready for “one more run”. I would have LOVED to be around for that conversation:

“Hey Page, I wanna have one more run in the business. You’re like 76 but only look 60. Wanna hook me up with whatever it is you’re on?”

“No problem Jake. The secret to my decrepit looking body is yoga!”

“Yoga?”

“Yoga!”

“Yoga huh? So whaddaya do with that, smoke it or snort it or what?”


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Ha! Funny stuff as usual!

I was thinking the same thing, why would Cena wear is wrestling attire to a restaurant if its a "secret" affair!

Surely you have to be suited and booted to get in a classy place, looks like he just took her to spoonys!

VDT wrote:Ha! Funny stuff as usual!

I was thinking the same thing, why would Cena wear is wrestling attire to a restaurant if its a "secret" affair!

Surely you have to be suited and booted to get in a classy place, looks like he just took her to spoonys!

The ex Radio 1 DJ?
Does he regularly have WWE stars over when they're serenading deranged women that look like jail bait?

Hero wrote:

VDT wrote:Ha! Funny stuff as usual!

I was thinking the same thing, why would Cena wear is wrestling attire to a restaurant if its a "secret" affair!

Surely you have to be suited and booted to get in a classy place, looks like he just took her to spoonys!

The ex Radio 1 DJ?
Does he regularly have WWE stars over when they're serenading deranged women that look like jail bait?

Ha! Our Weatherspoons is known locally as Spoonys!

This was possibly the lamest thing I’ve ever seen since Zach Gowen tore his hamstring in his good leg

This! Made me seagamegalol

Just remembered something else:


When CM Punk and Paul Heyman did the unveiling of the WWE 13 cover with Punk on it did anyone else think Michael Cole was going to say "How many people are gonna want to buy this game with him on the cover?" but thought it might put the kids off shelling out for it?


He was like "How many people are gonna want to...... gonna want...... gonna want..... gonna want to play as a character to take on CM Punk?"


Nice save Cole

For the first hour of (Jefferson) Impact the commentary was handled by Jeremy Borash and Todd.... Pettengill . Okay, okay I didn’t catch Todd’s real name, but it’d be a gazillion times better if it was the actual Todd Pettengill – that guy was great. Remember WWF Mania? Just me then.

I remember WWF Mania. Had a small crush on Pettengill back in the day.

I fancied his side kick, Shane O Mac's wife!!!

I loved WWF Mania, that's where I saw Bret Hart's first WWF Title win

Awesome Random thoughts, the first thing that came to me was why was Cena wearing his ring gear, his baws must be howling!