Best Sporting Quotes

Much as a dislike Cricket as a spectacle, Graham Gooch's response to the ball of the century by Warne was brilliant:

"If that was a cheese roll, it would never have got past him"

Anyone got any other pearls?

Ian Holloway in his Blackpool/Premiership days -

'We've had no luck at all recently, if I fell in a barrel of boobs right now, I'd come out sucking my thumb!'

This made me laugh at the time -

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3pnHS7PbRts

The cricket one, think it was Brandes to McGrath. McGrath asks him why he's so fat and he replies everytime I make love to your wife (clearly using a different verb) she gives me a biscuit. Utter quality, clearly a better comedian than a cricketer.

Shane Warne: I've waited two years to humiliate you again.

Daryll Cullilan: Looks like you spent it eating.

I loved that one Diggers. Even the Aussie slips failed to keep the smiles of their faces and had to work hard to suppress their laughs.

Not the most original or subtle but I liked this Twiter exchange this week:

K.Bradley: "All this Ryder Cup talk is getting me excited. Can we play now??!!!!!"

R.McIlroy: "You wanna get beaten again already!?"

Frustrated basketball coach to star player after another poor performance -

"What is it with you? I can't figure if it's ignorance or apathy!"

Player - "coach, I don't know and I don't care".

Not sure who said it on the radio but:
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

Sir Matt Busby to Wilf Mcguiness when he was been sacked as Utd manager: 'Wilf, you've been here so long and we think the world of you. We are not sure we could ever manage without you - but we're going to try!'

Peter Swales ( then chairman of siddee) to Malcolm Alison when the great fedora was being relieved of the managerial reins: Malcolm, results have been terrible. Do you think you could have done anything else?
Well Peter, we could have worn those away shirts with the purple stripes more often!

Not a quote but in the spirit of Christmas hope you will accept it:
In Peter Alliss' autobiography he recounts various letters sent to him by viewers. One chap apparently wrote along the lines of:
Dear Peter
Watching the golf and listening to your commentary with my wife. She knows nothing about golf. At one point you said 'and now Sandy Lyle is going to play his second shot first' she latched on to this and said 'that doesn't sound very fair!' Not the sharpest, but great t..s!
Yours sincerely..

This one from George Best has to be one of the classics...

I spent 90 percent of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted!

What about this one from the former kiwi player Murray Mexted...

You don't like to see hookers going down on players like that.

During court after throwing a man through a bar window, Charles Barkley and the judge had the following comments-
Judge: “Your sanctions are community service and a fine, do you have any regrets?” Charles Barkley: “Yeah, I regret we weren’t on a higher floor.”

Yogi Berra springs to mind here.

I have a book at the house, "The Bowler's Holding, The Batsman's Willey" by Geoff Tibballs. Chock full of sporting quotes!

Billy Payne: Tiger, your transgressions are so many and so heinous, that you will surely die on the gallows or of the pox.
Tiger: That depends, sir, on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.

Cricket sledgers seem to be the best.

Oi Gatting why are you so fat?
Well every time I sh@g your wife she gives me a biscuit.

Lillee ct Willey bowled Dilley was a fact though

I also like the golf one 'If I had ony luck it wid be nae luck'.

Sorry Diggers I missed your earlier one!!

Mourinho: "People think I'm arrogant because I tell the truth."

Dizzy Dean, Baseball Hall of Famer and broadcaster, once remarked on the radio about a couple making out in the bleachers.

Dizzy blurted out that the guy kisses the gal on the strikes and she kisses him on the balls.

Brian Johnson on TMS getting the giggles after Botham was out, hit wicket, following his comment that "Botham just couldn't get his leg over"...

I'm paraphrasing but Merv Hughes saying to Robin Smith after Smith had just played and missed at one "You're really are a s**t batsman Smith". Next ball, Smith murdered a boundary through the covers and said to Hughes "We make a right pair Merv. I can't bat and you can't bowl."

Idiot comment of all time? Tony Grieg commenting that the England cricket team were going to make a West Indies team containing Roberts, Holding, Garner et al "grovel". Bet he regretted that not long after.

Thinking about it, Sid Waddell was a fount of hilarious quotations. Particularly like the "He's been burning the midnight oil at both ends" he came up with once.

I think it was Merv Hughes who having sent a few balls by the outside edge with the batsman not seeing them let alone getting near, said "hey mate, it's red and round and you're supposed to hit it" Next ball went for 4 and batsman to Hughes "you know what it looks like now go and f.....g find it!"

Muhammad Ali..."Man I'm so fast that when I turn off the light switch I'm in bed before the room goes dark"

Gordon Strachan....Gordon can you give us a quick word? ...."Velocity".

Fred Trueman had three times rapped the batsman on the pads and each time the umpire had turned down his LBW appeal, much to Fred's increasing annoyance. Firing the fourth ball of the over down faster than ever he spreadeagled the stumps to all parts of the ground, calmly turned to the umpire and said 'almost got him that time'!

Ron Pickering ..."and there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."

My personal favourite from Mr Waddell.

There's only one word for that. Magic Darts.

JAS wrote:Muhammad Ali..."Man I'm so fast that when I turn off the light switch I'm in bed before the room goes dark"

Gordon Strachan....Gordon can you give us a quick word? ...."Velocity".

The other old one was
The batsman is Holding the bowler's Willey

Goodness I am in senile mode today............sorry all.

Love the Peter Aliss letter

Commentator George Hamilton during an Ireland V Spain football match. WC90 qualifier I think.
"Look, the Spanish manager is pulling his captain off!"

I think my favourite one was when John Lambie was the manager of some Scottish team and one of his players was in a dazed state. The physio said "He doesn't know who he is." Lambie said "That's great, tell him he's Pele and get him back on."

Doon the Water wrote:Goodness I am in senile mode today............sorry all.

You seem exactly the same as most days Doon......

Perhaps not a quote per se, but a great one liner I read from a sportswriter about the career of professional basketball player Derrick Coleman:

"He's just one career away from a career-ending injury."

lorus59 wrote:I think my favourite one was when John Lambie was the manager of some Scottish team and one of his players was in a dazed state. The physio said "He doesn't know who he is." Lambie said "That's great, tell him he's Pele and get him back on."

I forgot that one. Fabulous quote.

Some good stuff there guys I think it was gatting with the biscuit quote.
few years back we were working for a client who was a slightly belligerent yorkshireman and liked us to keep him a parking space available and coffee ,bacon sandwich ready for his arrival.He turned up on site one morning no parking no drink ready and charged into the job asking for the foreman-'Do you know who I am ?' he shouted across the site.Our foreman turned slowly to the rest of the lads on site 'here lads ' he said 'theres a fella here who doesnt know who he is!'

And then there's the classic post game football interview, describing your teams traditional British style of playing: "We were playing with long balls."

One of my favourite cricketing sledges:

Mark Waugh is giving out to Jimmy Ormond in an Ashes Test, along the lines that JO has no right to be on the field, not being a very good player (which was arguably true - his England appearances came at the time when everyone who could string together 3 good County matches got a cap).

Ormond turns round and says 'That may be true, but at least I'm the best cricketer in my family'.

The 'biscuit' sledge was the Zimbabwean bowler Eddo Brandes to Glenn McGrath - McGrath hit im for it because his wife was terminally ill at the time.

The 'you know what it looks like, now go and fetch it' is usually attributed to Viv Richards, although has also been reported as being Ricky Ponting to Shaun Pollock.

Favourite football ones:
Gordon Strachan after his side has been thoroughly stuffed, was asked in what are the opposition was better. He gestures down the tunnel and said 'the big green one out there'.

Peter Crouch, when asked what he'd be if he wasn't a professional footballer replied 'A virgin'

One incident I cannot swear is accurate, though I hope it is, was the Aussie slip cordon having a go at Viv Richards. It is said he walked towards them pointing his bat to each of the 'brave warriors' in turn and said words to the effect "we'll sort this out at close of play fellas" When he went to their dressing room there were no takers and no subsequent sledging! Anyone else heard that?

Gatting being asked on his return to Heathrow after having his nose broken by a ball from Malcolm Marshall and sporting two black eyes : "Where exactly did the ball hit you?"

dummy_half wrote:
The 'biscuit' sledge was the Zimbabwean bowler Eddo Brandes to Glenn McGrath - McGrath hit im for it because his wife was terminally ill at the time.

You're mixing a couple of incidents here dummy. Brandes to mcGrath was indeed the biscuit sledge but in mid-to-late 90s and didn't lead to any fight. You're probably thinking of the Sarwan-McGrath incident a few years later (when Jane McGrath was indeed ill with cancer): McGrath asked Sarwan what (fellow West Indian batsman Brian) Lara's erm pole tasted like, Sarwan answered "ask your wife", quite a witty response but unfortunate under the circumstances (which Sarwan may have been ignorant of) - mcGrath understandably IMO blew his top which led to some ugly scenes.

Gordon Strachan had some classics:

Reporter: "Gordon, can we have a quick word please?"
Strachan: "Velocity" [walks off]

Reporter: Gordon, you must be delighted with that result?
Strachan: You're spot on! You can read me like a book.

Reporter: So, Gordon, in what areas do you think Middlesbrough were better than you today?
Strachan: What areas? Mainly that big green one out there....

Reporter: This might sound like a daft question, but you'll be happy to get your first win under your belt, won't you?
Strachan: You're right. It is a daft question. I'm not even going to bother answering that one. It is a daft question, you're spot on there.

Reporter: Welcome to Southampton Football Club. Do you think you are the right man to turn things around?
Strachan: No. I was asked if I thought I was the right man for the job and I said, "No, I think they should have got George Graham because I'm useless."

Reporter: Gordon, Do you think James Beattie deserves to be in the England squad?
Strachan: I dont care, I'm Scottish

Reporter: There's no negative vibes or negative feelings here?
Strachan: Apart from yourself, we're all quite positive round here. I'm going to whack you over the head with a big stick, down negative man, down.

Reporter: You don't take losing lightly, do you Gordon?
Strachan: I don't take stupid comments lightly either.

Brilliant

Mike Selig wrote:

dummy_half wrote:
The 'biscuit' sledge was the Zimbabwean bowler Eddo Brandes to Glenn McGrath - McGrath hit im for it because his wife was terminally ill at the time.

You're mixing a couple of incidents here dummy. Brandes to mcGrath was indeed the biscuit sledge but in mid-to-late 90s and didn't lead to any fight. You're probably thinking of the Sarwan-McGrath incident a few years later (when Jane McGrath was indeed ill with cancer): McGrath asked Sarwan what (fellow West Indian batsman Brian) Lara's erm pole tasted like, Sarwan answered "ask your wife", quite a witty response but unfortunate under the circumstances (which Sarwan may have been ignorant of) - mcGrath understandably IMO blew his top which led to some ugly scenes.

While sympathetic to McGrath's predicament at the time, what an idiot. If you can't take a response like Sarwan's, then stfu.

In Paul McGrath's book, there's a bit in it when he is playing for Derby under Jim Smith towards the end of his career and he's slipped back into his heavy drinking. Out on the pitch he's having a nightmare, it's obvious to those who knew of his condition why this is the case. So McGrath goes down "injured" in the hope the physio will recommend he's taken off. McGrath tells the physio that he's "seeing double, that there's two footballs" which the physio radios back to Jim Smith who replies with "well tell him to head both of them then"

lorus59 wrote:I think my favourite one was when John Lambie was the manager of some Scottish team and one of his players was in a dazed state. The physio said "He doesn't know who he is." Lambie said "That's great, tell him he's Pele and get him back on."

Partick Thistle.

I picked up a book of golf anecdotes fairly recently. It's OK - but I'd gladly have paid twice the asking price (it was a free Kindle version).

Picking one at random, here's Lee Trevino's history lesson:

"Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course."

How's this from Ted Walsh, (Irish) Ex-Jockey, now trainer.

"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother."

Skydriver wrote:I picked up a book of golf anecdotes fairly recently. It's OK - but I'd gladly have paid twice the asking price (it was a free Kindle version).

Picking one at random, here's Lee Trevino's history lesson:

"Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course."

I think Trevino needs better history lessons as Columbus didn't go around the world, he only went from Europe to the Americas.

ACTUAL CALLS RECEIVED AT A PUBLIC GOLF COURSE

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What are your green fees?
Staff: 38 dollars.
Caller: Does that include golf?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I need to get some information from you. First, is this your correct phone number?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, we have a tee time for two weeks from Friday. What's the weather going to be like that day?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I had a tee time for this afternoon but I'm running late. Can you still get me out early?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have one of those areas where you can buy a bucket of golf balls and hit them for practice?
Staff: You mean a driving range?
Caller: No, that's not it.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I'd like to get a tee time tomorrow between 12 o'clock and noon.
Staff: Between 12 o'clock and noon?
Caller: Yes.
Staff: We'll try to squeeze you in.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have any open tee times around 10 o'clock?
Staff: Yes, we have one at 10:15.
Caller: What's the next time after that?
Staff: We have one at 10:22.
Caller: We'll take that one. It will be a bit warmer.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: How much to play golf today?
Staff: 25 to walk, 38 with a cart.
Caller: 38 dollars?
Staff: No, 38 yen.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What do you have for tee times tomorrow?
Staff: What time would you like?
Caller: What times do you have?
Staff: What time of the day?
Caller: Any time.
Staff: Morning or afternoon?
Caller: Whenever.
Staff: We have 16 times open in the morning and 20 open in the afternoon. Would you like me to read the whole list?
Caller: No, I don't think any of those times will work for me.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a dress code?
Staff: Yes, we do. We require soft spikes.
Caller: How about clothes?
Staff: Yes, you have to wear clothes.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a bucket of large balls?
Staff: Sorry, we're all out of large balls. But we can give you twice as many small balls for the same price.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Can I get a tee time for tomorrow?
Staff: Sure, what time would you like?
Caller: Something between 9 o'clock and 10 o'clock. In the morning, if possible.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you rent golf clubs there?
Staff: Yes, they're 25 dollars.
Caller: How much to rent a bag?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, my husband just called me on his cell phone and told me he's on the 15th hole. How many more holes does he have to play before he gets to the 18th?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a large bucket?
Staff: Four dollars.
Caller: Does that include the balls?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a twilight rate?
Staff: Yes, it's 15 dollars after 2 o'clock.
Caller: And what time does that start?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I'd like some info about your golf course.
Staff: OK, what would you like to know?
Caller: I don't know, that's why I called.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: My kids just came home with pockets full of range balls and said they stole them from your driving range. Would you like to buy them back?

Having managed municipal golf courses I can relate to most of the above.
My all time classic was when all of the South of England was covered in a thick snowfall a guy rang up desperate to play a tie.
Do you know of any course that is open?
Staff reply.......... Valderama.

Golfer....Can I have the earliest possible time please
Staff..... There is a cancellation at 8.27
Golfer....Anything about 11.00

Also
Do you need a pencil for this scorecard?