Euro Division Final Day - Live Text

13:02

Who's nervous?

This is the final day of the season, and the relegation scrap headlines the issues to be resolved in the Premier League, with only pride at stake in the other games.

The Championship isn't settled at all - a champion will be crowned and the promotion places will be doled out.

Please feel free to add comments, texts or tweets as we go. The games will start at 14:00.

13:14

Team news starting to drift through from today's protagonists, both Spanish Bank and Bratwurst Mannschaft have tweeted moments ago:

@SSN
#SBFC team to play #Bassender : Cesar, Piszczek, Vertonghen, Ferdinand, Nagatomo, Suarez, Ramires, Kroos, Mirallas, Navas, Tevez

@Bratwurst
Starting XI: Adler, Carvajal, Godin, Chyggy, Schmelzer, Khedira, Bender, Arteta, Reus, Yarmolenko, Mandzukic. We think that's correct #HEILOLLY

13:16

Somebody has left the monkey at the controls at Bratwurst HQ:

@Bratwurst
Send us in our messages of support from around the world using the hashtag #survivalBratwurst

@Bratwurst
CORRECTION: "your" messages of support not "our". Thats my bad #grammarpolice #yolo #swag

13:20

Tweets pouring in from around the world now.

#SurvivalWednesday

@DosCervezasPFFC
#InspirationalLyrics For Bratwurst: "You're going down with the Respek, down with the Respek..."

Even former Big Brother winner Craig Phillips is getting involved:

"I can't wait for the final day!! What a season!! Does anyone have a job I could have?"

13:22

More team news, from potential promotion spoilers ElphickForJustice now:

@FCE4J
Hope we destroy some title hopes #comeonethejustice

Starting XI : Carson, Lichtsteiner, Nastasic, Caulker, Bertrand, Aubameyang, Gerrard, Nocerino, Texeira, Torres, Bony.

13:25

Failed former manager TheBrahmaBull has been reminding everyone of something he did right:

@Interim
Shame Interim manager Bull is without a job

@Bull
I would just like to point out that i signed Mandzukic

Patronising applause breaks out across the nation.

13:29

Fighting talk resumes between the relegation rivals ahead of their biggest game of the season:

@DosCervezasPFFC
@Bratwurst #MannschaftMongos Enjoy your final day in the Premier League, Spanish dominance will reign supreme as Bank win promotion and Cervezas stay up, Spain = half of the Prem. #

Just a note of today's fixtures in the Premier League:

Under Brescia vs Deportivo la Chorizo
Bratwurst Mannschaft vs Dos Cerevezas por favor
The German Team vs FC No Respek

And in the Championship:

VFL Bassender vs Spanish Bank FC
Atalanta Falcons vs FC ElphickforJustice
Mole City vs UC Supremazia

13:33

Half an hour to go until kick off an this is when the questions start arising.

Will I finish my work in time to do this properly? Is Olly's use of the term "Fuhrer" offending anyone? How can Bull not know what a chief scout does?

13:38

One of our readers has suggested a game:

@worsttransfer

Lets play a game worst transfer of the season?

I suggest CF spending £5m on Thomas Hitzlsperger will take some beating. Not just this season, but, like, ever.

13:45

With 15 minutes left to go are there any bold predictions out there?

Please, nobody predict pain, unless you are actually Mr T, in which case welcome along.

13:46

A terrifying glimpse into the recent past is offered by Mannschaft's well drilled fan club:

@Bratwurst
The Mannschaft army are out in force today! Dressed in liederhosen, and drinking beer, im sure the organised chanting will start soon! #mannschaftarmy

13:49

Former manager Bull has directed a tweet at a baffled German man named Bart Wurst:

@Bartwurst
Bartwurst and Manager Olly will have a tough time hanging on to Mandzukic if they are relegated #moneyspeak

Lucky for Bull that managers don't need to be too literate these days. Look at good 'ol Arry.

13:55

As the teams emerge on to the pitch you can sense the tension in the air around the grounds. None more so than at Bratwurst Mannschaft vs Dos Cerevezas por favor, where a win for Olly's team sends Marky's men down. Anything else keeps Marky's boys up.

A nice touch at Under Brescia as the teams come out to a live rendition of "We Are The Champions" by seminal 90s pop act 5ive. J breaks into a rap as the microphone is mysteriously cut off.

13:59

Championship leaders Mole City know a win hands them the league crown today, while the Falcons hold their breath hoping for a UC Supremazia win. Spanish Bank will be able to ruin their day win, lose or draw however - they know a win sends them up in place of Supremazia.

14:00

As the games kick off in unison, a solemn message from jilted-lover Azzy Mahmood:

@FCNoRespekOfficial
Days like today aren't the same without VivaJackWilshere- #TeflonDon

14:03

GOAL: Atalanta Falcons 0-1 ElphickforJustice - Fernando Torres '3
Well, that didn’t take long! All quiet in the other games but Atalanta make a stuttering start to their promotion push as Fernando Torres picks the ball up with his back to goal, swivels, and lashes a shot beyond Romero. Tense atmosphere in Bergamo.

14:05

Strange turn of events in the match between The German Team and FC No Respek. It seems Stevan Jovetic tried lifting a mascot on his way out and has had a prolapse.

Manager Azzy storms on the pitch gesticulating furiously and mouthing obsceneties that seem to be aimed at fellow manager GSC.

14:08

Manager Olly, looking resplendent in a canary yellow suit winces as Mandzukic heads a presentable opportunity over after good work from Yarmolenko.

GOAL: Mole City 1-0 UC Supremazia – Daniel Sturridge ‘8
It’s a big goal in the Championship title race, as Sturridge latches on to a Cazorla through ball, wiggles his hips, and places a calm finish low past the keeper.

14:10

@SSN Brescia and Chorizo fans enjoying a carnival atmosphere in the sun, whilst keeping tabs on events elsewhere by your live text. Good work!

Complimentary words are always appreciated; we will have no truck with criticism.

14:11

An update from the other Championship tie between Bassender and Spanish Bank, and it's still goalless. Both sides are patiently probing, but no penetration yet.

14:17

Tempers flaring at Under Brescia vs Deportivo la Chorizo as Robben doesn't take too kindly to a bald joke from David Alaba. The game itself is very tight - respectful.

GOAL: Bratwurst Mannschaft 0-1 Dos Cerevezas por favor - Theo Walcott '17
Mannschaft have been on the front foot but they receive a sucker punch as jet heeled Theo Walcott takes advantage of Marcel Schmelzer being caught up field and breaks away before firing a low shot past the keeper.

14:21

Bratwurst's heads have dropped here and DCPF are in control now, stroking the ball around. A chant of "going down" breaks out.

Elsewhere, 10-man No Respek are fighting gamely considering they have nothing to play for. Manager Azzy has so far refused to replace Stevan Jovetic, who we understand has been rushed to hospital so someone can sort of prod it all back up there.

14:25

GOAL: Atalanta Falcons 1-1 ElphickforJustice - Mario Balotelli '25
It's back on in the Championship! Sustained pressure tells as Balotelli fires a ferocious shot home following good link play from Lamela and El Sharaawy.

14:26

Neven Subotic has some words for his teammates to inspire them:

@Subo
Pull through boys. Missing me falling to my knees as people run through today! #subostyle

Fingers crossed he's on his knees in a football context.

14:31

GOAL: The German Team 1-0 No Respek - Christian Benteke
It's been coming. The German Team's extra man tells and Benteke is there first to scramble the ball home after Butland parries Podolski's shot.

14:35

GOAL: Under Brescia 1-0 Deportivo la Chorizo - Arjen Robben
I was going to say that the Champions had switched off somewhat, but here's a man who never tires of scoring. Arjen Robben picks the ball up and weaves his way toward goal as his teammates berate his greedy Dutch hide. He doesn't listen and spanks a deflected shot past the keeper before celebrating wildly. And alone.

14:44

GOAL: Mole City 1-1 UC Supremazia - Jackson Martinez '44
Right on half time, and the cat is among the pigeons in the Championship! Martinez heads home from inside the six yard box after a delicious cross from Giovinco. Atalanta rejoice, Spanish Bank are a goal away from being bumped out of the promotion places.

14:54

As half time falls, we are getting word that Manager Azzy Mahmood has lodged a formal complaint against an unnamed team for fixture tampering. More as we get it.

The players have trudged back in for their half time orange, and at Under Brescia, the party atmosphere is added to as Abz from 5ive takes off his shirt and shows off his washboard stomach on the big screen. The fun is halted as a steward comes over and politely asks him to put his shirt back on, but Abz is having none of it! He gyrates his perfectly toned torso toward the steward who throws a solid punch to his jaw, knocking him down. Abz is carried away unconscious by the other 4our from 5ive.

15:02

Back underway in all games now!

GOAL: Atalanta 2-1 ElphickforJustice - Erik Lamela '49
Tricky Argentine Erik weaves his way into the box and works a few centimeters of space to curl a wonderful left footed shot into the far corner. News must be reaching Mole City now, they must wish the earth would swallow them up.

15:07

No more goals to report, but Under Brescia are under pressure for the first time this afternoon - Gregers must have lit a fire beneath his boys as they go close twice in as many minutes.

Olly patrols the sidelines making questionable gestures to his players in the relegation decider. No sight of a comeback there though - Marky's men are in control.

15:13

Atalanta get away with one against Elphick. Not on the field, but in the stands as Emile Heskey gets loose and makes a dart for the hot dog man. Police are able to taser the big man to the ground. Bless.

15:18

GOAL: Under Brescia 1-1 Deportivo la Chorizo - Isco '63
We have a goal at last! Spanish faced, impish magician Isco pops up with a late run into the box and sweeps home a centre by Cesar Azpili...Azpoliu...Azpo. The right back.

15:23

You can practically taste the last day cliches!

Bratwurst have found some rhythm and are at least knocking at the door. No one is answering yet, Mandzukic looks knackered from carrying this team all year.

Elsewhere Mole City are pushing forward looking for a championship-winning goal.

Poor old Spanish Bank remain on tenterhooks. They are going up, but it ain't comfortable.

15:27

GOAL: Bratwurst Mannschaft 1-1 Dos Cerevezas por favor - Marco Reus
It finally comes for Mannschaft, and they are back in with a shout! It's not a pretty goal at all. A free kick whipped in flicked off Mandzukic's boot and more or less struck Reus in the face four yards out. It goes over the line though, and the place is re-energised.

15:33

GOAL: Under Brescia 2-1 Deportivo la Chorizo - Robert Lewandowski
Not quite such an important goal, but still. The champions show why they are champions and retake the lead against their nearest vanquished challengers. Lewandowski climbs highest at a corner kick and it's a towering, unstoppable header that beats the keeper.

15:37

GOAL: Bassender 0-1 Spanish Bank - Carlos Tevez
Finally Spanish Bank have a cushion. Tevez has been a sound investment and it looks like he's confirmed their PL status for next season with a delightful clipped finish from the edge of the box. Bassender haven't been themselves today, but kudos to Trebs for fixing CF's abortion of a team.

15:40

GOAL: Mole City 2-1 UC Supremazia - Fernando Llorente
You could almost feel the air come out of UCS' tyres as news spread of the Spanish Bank goal, and they've been beaten here too. The Lion pounces with a close range finish from a Cuadrado cross. Mole City look like they've dug themselves out of this one.

15:43

We are cruising towards stoppage time and there is a sense of job done around the league - well, most of it.

Bratwurst Mannschaft are piling forward now and DCPF are sitting in wait, looking for a counter attack to kill this one. It's going to be tense to the last here.

15:45

PROLAPSE UPDATE
Just to update you on the Jovetic situation, I am told he is in a stable condition at hospital, but still walking like a cowboy.

15:47

Four minutes of stoppage time has been indicated at Mannschaft/DCPF. Nerves are shredded. Olly has taken off his jacket, and it's only a matter of time before the trousers follow.

Marky is sat in a zen like state on the bench, refusing to remove his fingers from his ears or open his eyes.

15:50

GOAL DISALLOWED
Fury at Bratwurst vs DCPF as a goal has been ruled out when it looked perfectly legitimate! A corner from Bratwurst Mannschaft was headed clear and helped up field to Walcott all alone, he takes it on and slots it past the keeper but the flag is up! Walcott screams he was in his own half when the ball was played, but the ref isn't budging. Free kick to Bratwurst and everyone is in the DCPF box for one last heave....

15:53

The ball was pumped forward towards the keeper (always is, for some reason) and the ball pinballs around the box in between the bodies. Mandzukic swings his boot but makes no contact as the ball is punted deep into the stand....and the final whistle goes!

Bratwurst Mannschaft are relegated!

It's all over, congratulations and comiserations where they are due. I'm going to do some work.

@SSN
#SBFC team to play #Bassender : Cesar, Piszczek, Vertonghen, Ferdinand, Nagatomo, Suarez, Ramires, Kroos, Mirallas, Navas, Tevez

@Bratwurst
Starting XI: Adler, Carvajal, Godin, Chyggy, Schmelzer, Khedira, Bender, Arteta, Reus, Yarmolenko, Mandzukic. We think that's correct #HEILOLLY

@Bratwurst
Send us in our messages of support from around the world using the hashtag #survivalBratwurst

@Bratwurst
CORRECTION: "your" messages of support not "our". Thats my bad #grammarpolice #yolo #swag

#SurvivalWednesday

@DosCervezasPFFC
#InspirationalLyrics For Bratwurst: "You're going down with the Respek, down with the Respek..."

@Interim
Shame Interim manager Bull is without a job


@Bull
I would just like to point out that i signed Mandzukic

@GSC
@Bull #gotrespekrelegated

@FCE4J
Hope we destroy some title hopes #comeonethejustice

Starting XI : Carson, Lichtsteiner, Nastasic, Caulker, Bertrand, Aubameyang, Gerrard, Nocerino, Texeira, Torres, Bony.

@Bratwurst
So #Mannschaftmongrels how many will Mandzukic score today? @DosCervezasPFFC prepare to get boarded by The Mandz #gameon

Bull, want a job as my chief scout?

yeah what do i have to do lol?

@GSC

that is fair point but then again i was booed by the fans; #Rafastyle

@DosCervezasPFFC
@Bratwurst #MannschaftMongos Enjoy your final day in the Premier League, Spanish dominance will reign supreme as Bank win promotion and Cervezas stay up, Spain = half of the Prem. #

@Bratwurst
We have some pre-match quotes from our Fuhrer soon. #HEILOLLY

@Bratwurst
We have some pre-match quotes from our Fuhrer soon. #HEILOLLY

To be honest Bull, you've failed the interview to be my Chief Scout, by actually asking me what you have to do...

@Bratwurst
@DosCervezasPFFC Right no bailout for you if you go down now. Angela is not happy

@wilfriedbonyofficial

Lets get a big win for a big occasion #bonydominance

@Bratwurst

There is no "Fuher" that mantle was taken by a man known as Cherriesfna #fearhim

Why is most of the trashtalk coming from a fired manager?

@worsttransfer

Lets play a game worst transfer of the season?

@GSC

It's a little fun darling, ill see you next season and i was never fired, i resigned #facts

@Bratwurst
The Mannschaft army are out in force today! Dressed in liederhosen, and drinking beer, im sure the organised chanting will start soon! #mannschaftarmy

Worst transfer has to be Mandzukic, the guys clearly overrated and no good.

@Bartwurst

Bartwurst and Manager Olly will have a tough time hanging on to Mandzukic if they are relegated #moneyspeak

@Bratwurst
Who is this infidel @Bull? You keep your mouth shut or the #bratwurstbruisers will be on your case

@confusedfan

Manager bull seems to be the Joey Barton of the euro division

@Grahnort
Anyone wondered what it would be like if Eurovision became a football league, behold the eurodivison

@FCNoRespekOfficial
Days like today aren't the same without VivaJackWilshere- #TeflonDon

alrighty

@Bratwurst
#gametime Come on lads! #wewillsurvive

@SKYSPORTS

"Interim" manager Bull has signed a 6 month deal to be a chief scout for Spanish side Dos Cervezas por favor

Wreeeeeeeyyyyyyyy

This isnt going to take 105 minutes is it?

#DoingaMartinez Under Brescia pleased to save Marky and Cervezas the chance of doing a Martinez and winning the cup and getting relegated in the same week

GSC wrote:This isnt going to take 105 minutes is it?

It always has before

@SSN Brescia and Chorizo fans enjoying a carnival atmosphere in the sun, whilst keeping tabs on events elsewhere by your live text. Good work!

@BBCSPORT
Bratwurst can finish 2nd today or go down! This is what the Premier League is all about #tension

#overrated. A better striker than Mandzukic would have put that away

Afro, Cervezas would like to thank you for not letting us "do a Martinez" and we mean it, from the heart of our bottom.

@Bratwurst
Sporting Director Adolf Schnitzel has announced that @UnderBrescia manager BigFellasAfro will be investigated for his scathing attack on star striker Mandzukic

@FCE4J
Keeping @officialheskey on a short lease today, don't want him up to any mischief #hideyoballboys

THEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!

@Bratwurst
B0llocks

@thejove

Gutted to be missing out today, but cheering on the lads going for promotion #SBFC #FCNR

@Subo
Pull through boys. Missing me falling to my knees as people run through today! #subostyle

@SSN

New scout Bull had the following things to say "i am very proud to say that Marky had called me to offer me the job of scouting for his team, we look to find stars who have fallen under the radar and can make huge difference" rumor is Marky was impressed by Bull's scouting after he signed top scorer Mandzukic.

@everyone

We don't care

I love the idea that Jovetic hasn't been replaced with the idea he could be rushed back from hospital for the last minute

@thejove

Ouch #FCNR

@Bratwurst
There will be serious words had at half time one would imagine, if the scoreline and performance stays the same. #unhappygermans