Euro Division Final Day - Live Text

First topic message reminder :

13:02

Who's nervous?

This is the final day of the season, and the relegation scrap headlines the issues to be resolved in the Premier League, with only pride at stake in the other games.

The Championship isn't settled at all - a champion will be crowned and the promotion places will be doled out.

Please feel free to add comments, texts or tweets as we go. The games will start at 14:00.

13:14

Team news starting to drift through from today's protagonists, both Spanish Bank and Bratwurst Mannschaft have tweeted moments ago:

@SSN
#SBFC team to play #Bassender : Cesar, Piszczek, Vertonghen, Ferdinand, Nagatomo, Suarez, Ramires, Kroos, Mirallas, Navas, Tevez

@Bratwurst
Starting XI: Adler, Carvajal, Godin, Chyggy, Schmelzer, Khedira, Bender, Arteta, Reus, Yarmolenko, Mandzukic. We think that's correct #HEILOLLY

13:16

Somebody has left the monkey at the controls at Bratwurst HQ:

@Bratwurst
Send us in our messages of support from around the world using the hashtag #survivalBratwurst

@Bratwurst
CORRECTION: "your" messages of support not "our". Thats my bad #grammarpolice #yolo #swag

13:20

Tweets pouring in from around the world now.

#SurvivalWednesday

@DosCervezasPFFC
#InspirationalLyrics For Bratwurst: "You're going down with the Respek, down with the Respek..."

Even former Big Brother winner Craig Phillips is getting involved:

"I can't wait for the final day!! What a season!! Does anyone have a job I could have?"

13:22

More team news, from potential promotion spoilers ElphickForJustice now:

@FCE4J
Hope we destroy some title hopes #comeonethejustice

Starting XI : Carson, Lichtsteiner, Nastasic, Caulker, Bertrand, Aubameyang, Gerrard, Nocerino, Texeira, Torres, Bony.

13:25

Failed former manager TheBrahmaBull has been reminding everyone of something he did right:

@Interim
Shame Interim manager Bull is without a job

@Bull
I would just like to point out that i signed Mandzukic

Patronising applause breaks out across the nation.

13:29

Fighting talk resumes between the relegation rivals ahead of their biggest game of the season:

@DosCervezasPFFC
@Bratwurst #MannschaftMongos Enjoy your final day in the Premier League, Spanish dominance will reign supreme as Bank win promotion and Cervezas stay up, Spain = half of the Prem. #

Just a note of today's fixtures in the Premier League:

Under Brescia vs Deportivo la Chorizo
Bratwurst Mannschaft vs Dos Cerevezas por favor
The German Team vs FC No Respek

And in the Championship:

VFL Bassender vs Spanish Bank FC
Atalanta Falcons vs FC ElphickforJustice
Mole City vs UC Supremazia

13:33

Half an hour to go until kick off an this is when the questions start arising.

Will I finish my work in time to do this properly? Is Olly's use of the term "Fuhrer" offending anyone? How can Bull not know what a chief scout does?

13:38

One of our readers has suggested a game:

@worsttransfer

Lets play a game worst transfer of the season?

I suggest CF spending £5m on Thomas Hitzlsperger will take some beating. Not just this season, but, like, ever.

13:45

With 15 minutes left to go are there any bold predictions out there?

Please, nobody predict pain, unless you are actually Mr T, in which case welcome along.

13:46

A terrifying glimpse into the recent past is offered by Mannschaft's well drilled fan club:

@Bratwurst
The Mannschaft army are out in force today! Dressed in liederhosen, and drinking beer, im sure the organised chanting will start soon! #mannschaftarmy

13:49

Former manager Bull has directed a tweet at a baffled German man named Bart Wurst:

@Bartwurst
Bartwurst and Manager Olly will have a tough time hanging on to Mandzukic if they are relegated #moneyspeak

Lucky for Bull that managers don't need to be too literate these days. Look at good 'ol Arry.

13:55

As the teams emerge on to the pitch you can sense the tension in the air around the grounds. None more so than at Bratwurst Mannschaft vs Dos Cerevezas por favor, where a win for Olly's team sends Marky's men down. Anything else keeps Marky's boys up.

A nice touch at Under Brescia as the teams come out to a live rendition of "We Are The Champions" by seminal 90s pop act 5ive. J breaks into a rap as the microphone is mysteriously cut off.

13:59

Championship leaders Mole City know a win hands them the league crown today, while the Falcons hold their breath hoping for a UC Supremazia win. Spanish Bank will be able to ruin their day win, lose or draw however - they know a win sends them up in place of Supremazia.

14:00

As the games kick off in unison, a solemn message from jilted-lover Azzy Mahmood:

@FCNoRespekOfficial
Days like today aren't the same without VivaJackWilshere- #TeflonDon

14:03

GOAL: Atalanta Falcons 0-1 ElphickforJustice - Fernando Torres '3
Well, that didn’t take long! All quiet in the other games but Atalanta make a stuttering start to their promotion push as Fernando Torres picks the ball up with his back to goal, swivels, and lashes a shot beyond Romero. Tense atmosphere in Bergamo.

14:05

Strange turn of events in the match between The German Team and FC No Respek. It seems Stevan Jovetic tried lifting a mascot on his way out and has had a prolapse.

Manager Azzy storms on the pitch gesticulating furiously and mouthing obsceneties that seem to be aimed at fellow manager GSC.

14:08

Manager Olly, looking resplendent in a canary yellow suit winces as Mandzukic heads a presentable opportunity over after good work from Yarmolenko.

GOAL: Mole City 1-0 UC Supremazia – Daniel Sturridge ‘8
It’s a big goal in the Championship title race, as Sturridge latches on to a Cazorla through ball, wiggles his hips, and places a calm finish low past the keeper.

14:10

@SSN Brescia and Chorizo fans enjoying a carnival atmosphere in the sun, whilst keeping tabs on events elsewhere by your live text. Good work!

Complimentary words are always appreciated; we will have no truck with criticism.

14:11

An update from the other Championship tie between Bassender and Spanish Bank, and it's still goalless. Both sides are patiently probing, but no penetration yet.

14:17

Tempers flaring at Under Brescia vs Deportivo la Chorizo as Robben doesn't take too kindly to a bald joke from David Alaba. The game itself is very tight - respectful.

GOAL: Bratwurst Mannschaft 0-1 Dos Cerevezas por favor - Theo Walcott '17
Mannschaft have been on the front foot but they receive a sucker punch as jet heeled Theo Walcott takes advantage of Marcel Schmelzer being caught up field and breaks away before firing a low shot past the keeper.

14:21

Bratwurst's heads have dropped here and DCPF are in control now, stroking the ball around. A chant of "going down" breaks out.

Elsewhere, 10-man No Respek are fighting gamely considering they have nothing to play for. Manager Azzy has so far refused to replace Stevan Jovetic, who we understand has been rushed to hospital so someone can sort of prod it all back up there.

14:25

GOAL: Atalanta Falcons 1-1 ElphickforJustice - Mario Balotelli '25
It's back on in the Championship! Sustained pressure tells as Balotelli fires a ferocious shot home following good link play from Lamela and El Sharaawy.

14:26

Neven Subotic has some words for his teammates to inspire them:

@Subo
Pull through boys. Missing me falling to my knees as people run through today! #subostyle

Fingers crossed he's on his knees in a football context.

14:31

GOAL: The German Team 1-0 No Respek - Christian Benteke
It's been coming. The German Team's extra man tells and Benteke is there first to scramble the ball home after Butland parries Podolski's shot.

14:35

GOAL: Under Brescia 1-0 Deportivo la Chorizo - Arjen Robben
I was going to say that the Champions had switched off somewhat, but here's a man who never tires of scoring. Arjen Robben picks the ball up and weaves his way toward goal as his teammates berate his greedy Dutch hide. He doesn't listen and spanks a deflected shot past the keeper before celebrating wildly. And alone.

14:44

GOAL: Mole City 1-1 UC Supremazia - Jackson Martinez '44
Right on half time, and the cat is among the pigeons in the Championship! Martinez heads home from inside the six yard box after a delicious cross from Giovinco. Atalanta rejoice, Spanish Bank are a goal away from being bumped out of the promotion places.

14:54

As half time falls, we are getting word that Manager Azzy Mahmood has lodged a formal complaint against an unnamed team for fixture tampering. More as we get it.

The players have trudged back in for their half time orange, and at Under Brescia, the party atmosphere is added to as Abz from 5ive takes off his shirt and shows off his washboard stomach on the big screen. The fun is halted as a steward comes over and politely asks him to put his shirt back on, but Abz is having none of it! He gyrates his perfectly toned torso toward the steward who throws a solid punch to his jaw, knocking him down. Abz is carried away unconscious by the other 4our from 5ive.

15:02

Back underway in all games now!

GOAL: Atalanta 2-1 ElphickforJustice - Erik Lamela '49
Tricky Argentine Erik weaves his way into the box and works a few centimeters of space to curl a wonderful left footed shot into the far corner. News must be reaching Mole City now, they must wish the earth would swallow them up.

15:07

No more goals to report, but Under Brescia are under pressure for the first time this afternoon - Gregers must have lit a fire beneath his boys as they go close twice in as many minutes.

Olly patrols the sidelines making questionable gestures to his players in the relegation decider. No sight of a comeback there though - Marky's men are in control.

15:13

Atalanta get away with one against Elphick. Not on the field, but in the stands as Emile Heskey gets loose and makes a dart for the hot dog man. Police are able to taser the big man to the ground. Bless.

15:18

GOAL: Under Brescia 1-1 Deportivo la Chorizo - Isco '63
We have a goal at last! Spanish faced, impish magician Isco pops up with a late run into the box and sweeps home a centre by Cesar Azpili...Azpoliu...Azpo. The right back.

15:23

You can practically taste the last day cliches!

Bratwurst have found some rhythm and are at least knocking at the door. No one is answering yet, Mandzukic looks knackered from carrying this team all year.

Elsewhere Mole City are pushing forward looking for a championship-winning goal.

Poor old Spanish Bank remain on tenterhooks. They are going up, but it ain't comfortable.

15:27

GOAL: Bratwurst Mannschaft 1-1 Dos Cerevezas por favor - Marco Reus
It finally comes for Mannschaft, and they are back in with a shout! It's not a pretty goal at all. A free kick whipped in flicked off Mandzukic's boot and more or less struck Reus in the face four yards out. It goes over the line though, and the place is re-energised.

15:33

GOAL: Under Brescia 2-1 Deportivo la Chorizo - Robert Lewandowski
Not quite such an important goal, but still. The champions show why they are champions and retake the lead against their nearest vanquished challengers. Lewandowski climbs highest at a corner kick and it's a towering, unstoppable header that beats the keeper.

15:37

GOAL: Bassender 0-1 Spanish Bank - Carlos Tevez
Finally Spanish Bank have a cushion. Tevez has been a sound investment and it looks like he's confirmed their PL status for next season with a delightful clipped finish from the edge of the box. Bassender haven't been themselves today, but kudos to Trebs for fixing CF's abortion of a team.

15:40

GOAL: Mole City 2-1 UC Supremazia - Fernando Llorente
You could almost feel the air come out of UCS' tyres as news spread of the Spanish Bank goal, and they've been beaten here too. The Lion pounces with a close range finish from a Cuadrado cross. Mole City look like they've dug themselves out of this one.

15:43

We are cruising towards stoppage time and there is a sense of job done around the league - well, most of it.

Bratwurst Mannschaft are piling forward now and DCPF are sitting in wait, looking for a counter attack to kill this one. It's going to be tense to the last here.

15:45

PROLAPSE UPDATE
Just to update you on the Jovetic situation, I am told he is in a stable condition at hospital, but still walking like a cowboy.

15:47

Four minutes of stoppage time has been indicated at Mannschaft/DCPF. Nerves are shredded. Olly has taken off his jacket, and it's only a matter of time before the trousers follow.

Marky is sat in a zen like state on the bench, refusing to remove his fingers from his ears or open his eyes.

15:50

GOAL DISALLOWED
Fury at Bratwurst vs DCPF as a goal has been ruled out when it looked perfectly legitimate! A corner from Bratwurst Mannschaft was headed clear and helped up field to Walcott all alone, he takes it on and slots it past the keeper but the flag is up! Walcott screams he was in his own half when the ball was played, but the ref isn't budging. Free kick to Bratwurst and everyone is in the DCPF box for one last heave....

15:53

The ball was pumped forward towards the keeper (always is, for some reason) and the ball pinballs around the box in between the bodies. Mandzukic swings his boot but makes no contact as the ball is punted deep into the stand....and the final whistle goes!

Bratwurst Mannschaft are relegated!

It's all over, congratulations and comiserations where they are due. I'm going to do some work.

Bentekers!!!!

@MoleCiteh
Jovetic update suffered Rectal Wear and Tear #RWAT

@FCNoRespekOfficial

We have lodged an official complaint with the fake managerial authorities over Spanish Bank's tampering with our fixture. The first rule of fake managerial games is: don't talk about other teams' tactics if it can influence voting, and manager GSC broke that cardinal rule. #WeWantJustice #BringBackBull

@thejove

Just reinjured myself on the way back to the stadium #FCNR

@SSN
And it's all gone a bit quiet...

@Fakemanagerialauthorities @FCNoRespekOfficial We have considered the complaint and see that it is a fair complaint on legitimate grounds. However, we have thrown it out on a technicality as it is in fact the third rule of fake managerial games

@MoleCiteh

If we don't wrap it up today then severe consequences will follow
#ADayInACupboardWithJimmySaville

Sorry for delay

Boss sat down

bla bla bla

On the bright side halftime has flown by

@MoleCiteh
Jimmy is getting ready for action
#JustCan'tHelpHimself

Someone post the current scores and I'll stick up a table as it stands

You, Marky and fan are winning.

0-0 in my game and 1-1 in the other 2.

	P	W	D	L	GF	GA	GD	PD	Pts
Under Brescia	10	8	2	0	17	8	9	0	26
Dos Cervezas por favor	10	3	6	1	14	9	5	0	15
Deportivo la Chorizo	10	2	7	1	12	9	3	0	13
Bratwurst Mannschaft	10	3	2	5	12	14	-2	0	11
The German Team	10	2	2	6	9	15	-6	1	7
FC No Respek	10	1	3	6	7	16	-9	1	5

	P	W	D	L	GF	GA	GD	PD	Pts
Moleicester City	10	4	6	0	14	8	6	0	18
Atalanta Falcons	10	4	5	1	13	10	3	0	17
Spanish Bank FC	10	3	5	2	12	10	2	0	14
UC Supremazia	10	3	5	2	11	10	1	0	14
VFL Bassender	10	2	3	5	7	11	-4	2	7
FC ElphickForJustice	10	1	2	7	7	15	-8	0	5

bottom of the league clash v 10 men surely we wont finish bottom of the pile

	P	W	D	L	GF	GA	GD	PD	Pts
Atalanta Falcons	10	5	4	1	14	10	4	0	19
Moleicester City	10	4	6	0	14	8	6	0	18
Spanish Bank FC	10	3	5	2	12	10	2	0	14
UC Supremazia	10	3	5	2	11	10	1	0	14
VFL Bassender	10	2	3	5	7	11	-4	2	7
FC ElphickForJustice	10	1	1	8	7	16	-9	0	4

@MoleCiteh
Stupid Cherries
#Frak

@FCNoRespekOfficial > @TheGermanTeam

Ten men, we only need ten men #notsurewehavethatright

Have faith in Drogba+

Bony is Poopie

Come on Drogba+

@MoleCiteh
You know your fkd' when you've gotta rely on Cherries and his U13 Azerbaijan league forward

#Dooooooooooooooooooooomed #Bony

Olly patrols the sidelines making questionable gestures to his players in the relegation decider. No sight of a comeback there though - Marky's men are in control.

Thanks for that. Cue Olly's equaliser...

I need more than an equaliser though! Come on boys!!

I can't help but think that Afro's saved up some last 5mins goals that will give us the real results - like three goals for Olly in 10mins, four more for Fan, that kind of thing.

Nothing to do with me.

I calculated Championship results only. The text and when the goals come is entirely Soddy's work

Azzy Mahmood wrote:I can't help but think that Afro's saved up some last 5mins goals that will give us the real results - like three goals for Olly in 10mins, four more for Fan, that kind of thing.

Exactly. Like a couple of seasons ago, when I was after the Premier League title and was playing Cherries and his 6-3-1 formation, I was 1-0 down for ages then 80 something minutes = equaliser. Injury time = winner.

It was great live text and a completely on time live text

#guesswhodoesn'thaveajob

#BullDoesn'tButHeWantsOne

Ruh roh

@Bratwurst
REUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #COMEONBOYS

@MoleCiteh
15 mins to save the season
#BottlingLikeBournemouth

@Bratwurst
Come on Mario. One more goal son. You can do it #believe

Olly wrote:@Bratwurst
Come on Mario. One more goal son. You can do it #believe

If he's going to get it, please get it asap so there's time for a comeback from Dos Cervezas!

I'm actually really nervous

@SBFC

GOAL FOR SBFC; Tevez ('80). #PromotionPartay?

Let's face it this is like CL football for Norwich fans

CF's abortion of a team

Abortion? Abhorrence or abberration maybe, but abortion?

Actually abortion might have been more appropriate when he first took over

Stevan "John Wayne" Jovetic

BigFellasAfro wrote:

CF's abortion of a team

Abortion? Abhorrence or abberration maybe, but abortion?

Actually abortion might have been more appropriate when he first took over

What you mean when he took it over i left him a solid team sure it needed improvements but it was pretty solid lol

@SBFC

Manager GSC set off a touchline run #josestyle

TheBrahmaBull wrote:

BigFellasAfro wrote:

CF's abortion of a team

Abortion? Abhorrence or abberration maybe, but abortion?

Actually abortion might have been more appropriate when he first took over

What you mean when he took it over i left him a solid team sure it needed improvements but it was pretty solid lol

It was directed at the manager more than the team

CF took an average team and made it the worst team in fake managerial history. Trebs took over the worst team in fake managerial history and made it very good, within one season

I'm anticipating a PENALTY TO BRATWURST

Hopefully it's Brentford/Leicester-esque.

I know how it finishes

Azzy Mahmood wrote:CF took an average team and made it the worst team in fake managerial history. Trebs took over the worst team in fake managerial history and made it very good, within one season

Mine and a few other people's vote for manager of the season btw

Great job Sodhat btw.

I voted Nando for manager of the season

well then you are crazy GSC

About to be a title winner Nando

@SBFC

FT Bassender 0-1 #SBFC. Who's ready for a #PromotionPartay?