Random Thoughts.....

This week’s ‘Random Thoughts’ contains more thrills than a Ric Flair wheelchair ride, more spills than a Shockmaster entrance, more emotion than a Linda McMahon promo and more drama than John Cena’s love life. Sit down, buckle up (Teddy) and brace yourself for a wild ride!*


*Wild rides cannot be guaranteed. No refunds



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John Cena tweeted prior to RAW that he had an historic announcement to make on the show. Unfortunately it wasn’t news of his retirement or his attending the Bret Hart wrestling seminar or going public about his affair with Michael Cole (Oh you didn’t know?). No, instead he informed us that for the first time ever, John Cena is entering Money In The Bank!!! I’ll wait for everyone to pick their jaws up off the floor...........

Is Jumpin’ John participating so that he can once again become WWE champion – the most prestigious title in ALL of sports and entertainment? Well, no not really. He did mention something about wanting to be WWE champion again, but only after he’d stated that he was entering MITB so that Big Show wouldn’t win. This despite the fact that he’d already said nobody could stop the Big Show. F’N awesome logic there.

It reminded me of the time Brock Lesnar was fruding with the Big Show back in 2002 and Paul Heyman said to Brock “You can’t beat the Big Show!”

And everyone sitting at home thought to themselves “Why not? Everyone else has”.


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Chris Jericho made his triumphant return to RAW, interrupting John Cena’s promo and eventually getting himself entered into the MITB match. He then lost by disqualification to Jumpin’ John in their FIRST EVER MATCH! (in 2 years) after the Big Slow interfered.

Bit of lame ending to the match, it would have been much better if Jericho had caused the DQ by choking Cena with a Brazilian flag.

UP YOURS BRAZIL!


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The Cookie Monster Punk, Daniel Bryan Danielson, Kane and AJ storyline continued on RAW. It appears as if ‘The Big Red Love Machine’ is being written out of the equation after he told AJ he wasn’t boyfriend material and that she was making him feel things he’d never felt before. Boobs probably.

Kane’s going to be a participant in the WWE championship MITB match – the one that nobody but the Big Show has a chance of winning unless John Cena can stop him. On the same card CM Punk will defend the WWE title against Daniel Bryan Danielson and it’s here that AJ will most likely make her presence felt, siding with one or the other.

Thing is, Punk doesn’t need an on-screen girlfriend and (if the rumours are to be believed) Danielson won’t be winning the belt because we’re looking at CM Punk versus John Cena for the title at Summerslam (Wait, does this mean that John Cena’s going to win MITB? Despite the fact that the FREAKIN’ BIG SHOW is in that match? OH MY!) so where does this leave the AJ angle?

There’s only one plausible way to end this storyline – CM Punk and Daniel Bryan Danielson have to hook up and leave AJ to wonder where it all went wrong.

Let’s face it, Punk and Danielson as a modern day Chuck & Billy is worth TENS of dollars.


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Alberto Del Monte and Dolph Ziggler competed in a ‘Contract on a Pole’ match to determine the Number One contender to the World Heavyweight championship for a match on this week’s Smackdown. After a game of hot potato with the contract, Shamoose came out and rendered the whole match pointless when he said that it was gonna be a Triple Threat match fella – just moments after Vickie Guerrero had told Chris Jericho that he couldn’t go around putting himself in matches. Hmmm.......

My question is why wasn’t Ricardo Rodriguez named Number One contender? He gained control of the contract didn’t he? I mean back in 2004 when ~Nobody~ won the Royal Rumble and was scheduled to face Triple H for the WHC, Shawn Michaels came out to interrupt the contract signing, kicked ~Nobody~ in the face and signed HIS OWN name to the contract. Seemingly, this was legally binding as they had to make it a Triple Threat match fella between Triple H, Shawn Michaels and ~Nobody~.

Therefore, Ricardo Rodriguez is the rightful Number One contender to the World Heavyweight championship.

Book it.


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Psycho Sid returned on this week’s RAW to dish out the now standard whooping of Heath Slater. Once again, Slater foreshadowed his opponent in a pre-match promo, this time by declaring that he “ruled the world” – I wish to El Dandy that he said something like “I have half the brain that you do” or “Can we start over?” (“WE’RE LIVE PAL!”).

I can’t wait for the week when Heath grabs the mic and announces that he’s gonna shock the world.


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The World Heavyweight champion ‘The White Whale’ Shamoose defeated Dolph Ziggler for the 89th time to retain his title. Dolph’s one of those guys who could be on the cusp of doing something really special (like Cody Rhodes and Yoshi TATSU! TATSU! BAH GAWD TATSU!) but WWE seem somewhat reluctant to pull the trigger on.

WWE’s latest talent recruitment edict doesn’t bode well for his future either – they’re apparently going back to signing up muscle-heads as well as ‘athletes from other sports they can train to wrestle’. Wonderful.

Maybe it’s time for Dolph and Cody to ask Ryback where he gets his vitamins from.


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The Christian / Cody Rhodes frud continued this past week on Smackdown (No steaks on the line in this one though). The Incontinent champion......excuse me the Intercontinental champion was defeated by Alberto Del Monte cleanly and by submission - try figuring that one out – before he was brutally attacked by the son of the son of a plumber.

I feel kinda sorry for Christian and Cody - they must feel like they’re stuck in Groundhog Day because it looks like we’re heading for the 3rd match between them even though Christian leads 2-0. Maybe they’re having a Best of Seven series. That Christian will win 7-0.

Either that or Vince has lost it:

“Christian! I’ve got good news for ya pal! We’ve got your next frud sorted out!”

“Excellent. Who am I going up against?”

“Cody Rhodes!”

“Umm.............what?”

“Yeah! It’ll be great!”

“But Vince...........I’ve already faced him twice”.

“You have?”

“Yeah. I beat him both times”.

“I must have missed that. Let me get back to you”.

~Several hours later~

“Christian! I’ve got a great new programme for you to work! You’re gonna LOVE IT!”

“Sounds good Vince. Who do you have in mind?”

“I got 2 words for ya!”

“Oh my God! TRIPLE H?!?!?”

“Cody..........................Rhodes!”

“GODAMMIT VINCE!”


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Big Show has stated that he’s entering Money In The Bank in order to gain a WWE title shot. Rejoice!

The one saving grace is that if he does eventually win the title then at least he’ll be demoted back to his natural habitat of the mid-card.


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John Cena recently granted his 300th wish for the Make A Wish Foundation. Congratulations to John on this accolade. For his efforts, Jumpin’ John was presented with a plaque commemorating the occasion, a huge bouquet of flowers and 3 kids with AIDS.

I’m reliably informed that he framed the kids and put them up above his mantelpiece.

Then his wife took them down.


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This week’s LIVE! episode of (Jefferson) Impact kicked off with the Incredible Hulk Hogan calling out the X-Division champion Austin Aries. Last week, Hogan gave Aries the chance to headline the Destination X paper view in a World title match against Bobby Roode, but only if he relinquished the X-Division title. If he wins he’ll be World champion, if not he leaves with nothing. If he opens the box and reveals a hotspot, he’ll need to phone a friend to pot as many balls as they can before the timer runs out or else he’ll have to give up a crystal to make it through to the Showcase Showdown.

Aries came out and said he’d come up with an ‘Option C’ (or as Hogan put it ‘Plan C’) whereby he’d give up the X-Division title and main event Destination X but only if the same courtesy was extended to every X-Division champion from here on out. Hogan called Aries a ‘visionary’ – which is odd because I don’t remember Austin Aries being a member of Rick Martel’s 1990 Survivor Series team – and said that Aries had a deal. Anyone want to bet that this decree will be forgotten about by the time Destination X 2013 rolls around?

The Hogan / Aries tête-à-tête was brought to an end by Bobby Roode, who came storming out and demanded to know who Austin Aries thought he was. I wish to Barbara that Aries had responded with “I’m Bobby Roode!” just to see if it would throw the champion off guard and have him questioning his own existence. Alas, it was not to be and Roode went on to say that Aries was a paper champion and that he was in possession of the REAL World Heavyweight Championship. I must have missed the bit where Aries was declaring himself the World Champion. Still, I would have MTFO if Bobby had said that comparing his title with Aries’ title would be like comparing ice cream to horse manure.

Roode and Aries then had a brawl at ringside which of course prompted an appearance by D-Lo Brown?, Al Snow and Pat Kenney to break it up. Unfortunately for Austin Aries, he had his t-shirt half removed by Bobby Roode during their scrap so he ended up looking like a 2 year old that tried dressing himself but came unstuck.

Although that still made him look stronger than any of John Cena’s challengers have been allowed to look.


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This week the LIVE! (Jefferson) Impact played host to the BIG reveal of the BIG angle involving BIG Dixie Carter, BIG AJ Styles and BIG Kazaniels. All the marbles were on the line for this one which is ironic considering that whoever penned this storyline has clearly lost theirs.

So were Dixie and AJ having an affair? No. Were they planning a surprise party for Dixie’s husband? No. Were they members of an organisation plotting to overthrow the King of Brazil? No – but I wished to Jebus they had been because what we got instead was possibly the worst reveal in the history of professional wrestling.

It transpires that Dixie has a family friend named Claire Lynch who took drugs (Altogether now: “She’s a crack ho!” CLAP! CLAP! CLAP-CLAP-CLAP!), drank booze and woke up in hotel rooms with strange men. So basically she’s Ric Flair. She came to Dixie and AJ for help because they’re high in moral fibre, low in saturates and low in poly-unsaturates. Dixie and AJ of course wanted to keep things quiet because if wrestling fans knew that their heroin Claire Lynch (See what I did there? Huh? Huh? You don’t?! Aw whizzes on you guys!) was a drug addict they’d become completely disillusioned with life and top themselves. Or something.

Eventually, Kazaniels came out only for AJ Styles to “AJ-Up” and start pounding the bejesus out of the former tag team champions. (Jefferson) Impact went of the air with Styles trying to rearrange Christopher Daniels’ face. There are still many unanswered questions regarding the whole angle: Why was AJ necking Dixie in those photos? How did Christopher Daniels find out about it? Why are we supposed to care about some no mark with a drug problem? Who in the blue hell booked this?

What happens now? Maybe they’ll have a ladder match between AJ Styles and Christopher Daniels with Claire Lynch hanging above the ring where if AJ wins he gets to take Claire back to rehab and if Daniels wins he gets to ply her with drugs and booze in hopes of waking up in a hotel room with her.

If TNA do that then they just might be able to make up for this whole fiasco.


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This week’s LIVE! (Jefferson) Impact witnessed the biggest return in the history of professional wrestling. Was it Goldberg? No. Batista? No. Scott Steiner? No. Shark Man? No. Curry Boy? NO! It was the return of Samoa Joe’s Nation of Paint a Dick on My Face gladiator-style shorts! HELLS YEAH!

Now that he was once again clad in the finest ring attire known to Mankind, Cactus Jack and Dude Love, Joe was feeling froggy so he called out James Storm for Open Fight Night. The man who loves long reds and neck necks made his entrance and the fight was on! Joe kept trying to go for the submission victory (Didn’t they do that angle last year?) but ended up being undone by Sweet Chin Music. Storm celebrated with a beer until it looked as if Joe was about to attack him with a beer bottle. Instead, in a show of respect not seen since Shawn Michaels allowed Triple H to carry his bags, Joe handed the bottle to Storm.

James Storm moved onto 492 points in the Big Friendly Giant series and Samoa Joe was left with a big fat zero, which is ironic because he is a big fat zero.

Just kidding, a man with shorts that magnificent could never be a zero.


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Mickie James was selected to face Brooke - sorry Miss - Tessmacher for the TNA Knockouts Championship by Miss - sorry Brooke - Hogan. The spawn of Hulk is doing a fantastic job of running the Knockouts division in my opinion, it doesn’t seem AT ALL ridiculous when she’s telling the Knockouts that they need to step up their game and work harder. Not one bit.

As for the match itself, Brooke - sorry Miss - Tessmacher picked up the win after a catch-as-catch-can classic which had Jim Ross tweeting afterwards that he wished he’d been able to call the match. It appears as if Mickie James is heading towards a heel turn at the same time as John Cena’s divorce is going on. Coincidence?

Yes.


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This month’s Gut Check participant is the lovely Taeler Hendrix, who was made to face Tara in a losing effort on the LIVE! (Jefferson) Impact. We were told that the lovely Hendrix overcame cancer earlier in her life, so she must be one lovely tough cookie.

Can’t wait for when the judges are pondering their decision because Al Snow or Bruce Pritchard are BOUND to mention her beating cancer and The Taz is BOUND to come back with something like:

“She beat Cancer? So what? I beat Big Dick Dudley! Not for nuthin’ Cole.....I mean Snow.....but who did Cancer ever beat? I seen ‘em come and I seen ‘em go but I ain’t never been in no locker room with Cancer. So Cancer ain’t nuthin’. Where’s Cancer now? Probably wrestling in high school gyms on Saturdays and mowing lawns during the week. Pigeons, man, pigeons”.

“Okay...........”.


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TNA are apparently suing Scott Steiner over comments he made on Twitter.

I hope to JBL that Steiner acts as his own defence. You just know that when he makes his entrance into the court-room he’ll be wearing a barrister’s wig instead of his traditional chainmail head-dress.


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Great as always. I was seriously expecting Ricardo to be given the number one spot when he picked up the contract. Was already marking out for when he pinned Sheamus on SD this week and was declared champ.

Am expecting next week for Slater to be in the ring declaring that he is the The Metalriarch of the Mat and the Original One Man Rawk Diva only for Mae Young to come out and pin him... and by pin I mean pin.

I had a bad afternoon yesterday! Stupid dutch trains! When i eventually got home I read this and it instantly made the day better

Funny as always Loved it. That John Cena part cracked me up!

"It reminded me of the time Brock Lesnar was fruding with the Big Show back in 2002 and Paul Heyman said to Brock “You can’t beat the Big Show!”

And everyone sitting at home thought to themselves “Why not? Everyone else has”."

Lost it. Well played.

"he one saving grace is that if he does eventually win the title then at least he’ll be demoted back to his natural habitat of the mid-card."

haha that is class, but the sad thing is its true !!!