Random Thoughts.....

In keeping with post-Wrestlemania WWE tradition, this week’s ‘Random Thoughts’ features a marked downturn in effort and quality from pre-Wrestlemania efforts.


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So the Rock defeated Jumpin’ John Cena at Wrestlemania 28 to be confirmed as the greatest thing since cheese slices. Marvellous.

Of all the possible finishes to this match there can’t have been many people who picked the Rock winning clean and then nothing happening. That was the most notable thing about the match. The other notable thing was John Cena’s new merchandise. He’s had Super Mario red and now he’s got Luigi green. I hope he runs through all the Mario characters; Princess Peach, Bowser, Wario, Yoshi (not TATSU! TATSU! BAH GAWD TATSU!) and Toad.

John Cena wearing a toadstool on his head would be all kinds of awesome. Just picture it.

Cena doesn’t suck so much now does he?


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Once again, the world as we know it failed to end when Chris Jericho came up short against WWE Champion Chunky Munky Punk. Jericho ended up tapping like Bo Jangles on speed to the Anaconda Vice.

I’ve lost count of the number of times Chris Jericho has said he’s going to do something and not done it since his return, it was somewhere around the 350 mark if I remember rightly. We’re now at the point where no matter what Jericho says no-one will believe him.

“I’m going to break your neck!”

“You’re not though are you?”

“Yeah.........I know......but I WILL beat up your mum!”

“That’s not happening either is it Chris?”

“..............No..........no it’s not”.

“What are you going to do now then?”

“I think I’ll just go home..........”

“Really?”

“..............No”.

“Didn’t think so”.

From now on Chris Jericho just shouldn’t talk. I think that would be best for all concerned.


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The Undertaker and HHH had a classic battle inside Hell in a Cell – ably supported by Shawn Michaels - and when it was all said and done, an era had ended. Not the era you’re thinking of though, I’m talking about the era of the Undertaker being one of the most feared, uncaring, evil individuals in the history of the business. Instead, he’s become Sir Hugsalot.

When Taker broke character and hugged Shawn Michaels at Wrestlemania 26, it was a huge show of respect for HBK. All well and good. Then came Wrestlemania 28, where Taker and HBK hugged and were later joined by the Game-uhh in a massive group hug at the top of the stage. What the fudge?!

“I must end you!” “Well I’m afraid I’m going to have to end you!” “I’m going to hit you repeatedly with a chair and a sledgehammer” “I’m going to do the exact same thing to you!” “Fancy a cuddle?” “C’mere you!”

Some people have complained that the Cell wasn’t used at all in this match but it’s just as well they had this as a selling point because if anyone imagined for one second that there was going to be a huge love-in at the end of the match then Wrestlemania 28 would have done about 3 pay per view buys.

Just be thankful you didn’t see what went on later that night. My sources tell me that the Undertaker, Shawn Michaels and Triple H all got a room together and sat around braiding each other’s hair, eating frozen yoghurt, having pillow fights, watching Twilight and talking about which boys they like.

That actually happened. I guarandamntee it.


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Daniel Bryan Danielson and Mighty Whitey Sheamus engaged in a monumental, back and forth 18 second epic at Wrestlemania. After that palaver I reckon they’d have preferred their World title match to be the pre-Wrestlemania dark match. Hell, I think they’d even take turning it into a Battle Royal midway through rather than that 18 second atrocity.

Word is that WWE wanted to break the record for the shortest title match in Wrestlemania history, which was 8 seconds for the Chavo Guerrero / Kane ECW title match at Wrestlemania 24. I say ‘was’ when in fact I should say the record ‘is’ 8 seconds because lo and behold the Bryan / Shamoose match didn’t beat the record, in fact it came nowhere near. That my friends, is what’s known as an epic fail.

I don’t understand how they could be so far off the 8 seconds though. If had been 9 or 10 seconds you could understand it but 18 SECONDS?!?!? That’s a ruddy lifetime! I bet Vince McMahon was raging when he was told that Bryan and Shamoose had gone 18 seconds. There is one saving grace to this whole mess:

The Miz will be blamed for the whole damn thing. And quite rightly too.


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Team Johnny won the ‘Once in a Lifetime’ match at Wrestlemania 28 when they defeated Team Teddy after a hellacious struggle. As per the stipulation, Johnny Ace gets to have relations of an intimate nature with the entire Smackdown roster and Teddy Long has to do the Truffle Shuffle on RAW. Or something like that.

At the end of this match Zack Ryder was heinously kicked in his plums by that evil jezebel hoeski Eve. GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY IT WAS A SET UP ALL ALONG! This can only mean we’re heading towards a momentous match at Wrestlemania 29 between the Long Island dumbass and his former main squeeze.

The stakes? Well they couldn’t be any higher folks: Bottle of Fake Tan on a Pole! The loser is never allowed to wear fake tan again, forever cursed to roam the earth pasty and unorange.

It’ll be bigger than Hogan / Andre.


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The Big Show picked up his biggest win to date when he defeated Cody Rhodes for the TNA Knockouts Championship at Wrestlemania 28. Admit it, that’s what you think of when you see that white title belt.

ADMIT IT!


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Kane recovered from the John Cena debacle by defeating Randall Keith Jeremy Sebastian Phillip Claudius Bobert Orton – to give him his full name – at Wrestlemania 28. This match was significant for two reasons, namely that the Big Red Washing Machine won cleanly, and the fact that we didn’t see Randy Orton nail a single RKJSPCBO, as it shall henceforth be known since it’s got a better ring to it.

I find it odd that Orton didn’t hit his finisher at all. Although seeing as it was Wrestlemania it’s probably just as well. I don’t know if you’ve noticed this but for some strange reason Wrestlemania is the one night of the year where people’s finishers don’t work as well as they do throughout the rest of the year.

I wonder if any of the wrestlers have spotted this. Maybe before Wrestlemania 29 we should tell them all not to hit their finishers and to come up with something different to put their opponent away. That way, next year at Mania every match will be decided by an armbar or a headlock or something.

Friggin’ sweet.


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‘The Best in the World’ Maria Menounounounounounos went 1-0 at Wrestlemania after single handedly defeating WWE Diva’s champion Beth Phoenix and that evil Jezebel hoeski Eve in a catch-as-catch-can classic (With 26 broken ribs no less! Whaddaya think of that Kurt Angle? You big jessie!). This was easily match of the night, if not the finest example of the sport of professional wrestling since Jesus took on the Romans in a handicap match at Madison Square Coliseum.

Where this leaves ‘The Phenom’ Maria Menounounounounounos for Wrestlemania 29 remains to be seen. Streak versus Streak against the Undertaker? A one-on-one match against the Rock to determine the greatest of all time? Stone Cold Steve Austin or Brock Lesnar in their comeback match? As you can see the possibilities are endless.

If Vince has his wits about him, he’ll start building ‘The Animal’ Menounounounounounos’ match for next year as soon as possible. This way Wrestlemania 29 will break all attendance and pay per view records. Conservative estimates suggest that a main event featuring ‘The Apex Predator’ Maria Menounounounounounos will draw 925,307 fans to the arena and 3 billion pay per view buys.

I believe those figures. And you’d better too.


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Brock Lesnar has returned! ‘The Next Big Thing’ strolled down the ramp – to a standing ovation from John Cena - and gave Cena an F5. Rejoice!

I’m glad they got straight to the point for this one, for a second there I had visions of a Wrestlemania 29 sign descending from the rafters and Lesnar looking up at it before looking at Cena, who’d look up at the Wrestlemania 29 sign before turning back to Lesnar, who’d look up at the Wrestlemania 29 sign then look at Cena again, who’d look at Lesnar, look at the Wrestlemania 29 sign then look at Lesnar again, who’d look at Cena, look at the sign, look at Cena, look at the sign, look at Cena, look at the sign, keep looking at the sign, then look at Cena, before Cena looked at Lesnar, looked at the sign, looked at Lesnar, looked at the sign, looked at Michael Cole, blew him a kiss before turning back to Lesnar as RAW went off the air with Jerry Lawler shouting “WHAT CAN THIS MEAN?”

Actually, if that happened it might have been the best ending to a RAW we’ve ever seen.


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Jumpin’ John Cena must be wondering why everybody who comes back picks on him. First the Rock, now Brock Lesnar. I’d have had Lord Tensai give Cena a slapping as well, just for the hell of it.

From now on, WWE should have a random wrestler return for one night only to give John Cena a kicking. It would set all kinds of television ratings records. Hell, throw in some celebs as well to give the segment a bit of longevity.

Here’s a few Cena beaters for starters: WORYAH!, Batista, Goldberg, Billy Gunn, Road Dogg, Ken Shamrock, Hillbilly Jim, King Kong Bundy, the Iron Sheik, Ken Patera, Marty Jannetty, the Warlord, Haku, Jumping Jim Brunzell, B. Brian Blair, Smash, Axe, Heidenreich, Matt Hardy, Oliver Hardy, Jamie Oliver, Jamie’s Magic Torch, Torchwood, Woody Allen, Keith Allen, Penelope Keith, Lady Penelope, the Thunderbirds, the Thundercats, Catwoman, Batman, Superman, Spiderman, Peter Parker, Peter Jackson and the entire cast of Lord of the Rings, Ring of Honor, Honor Blackman, Al Jolsen, Al Pacino, Bobby De Niro, D’Angelo Dinero, the Pope, Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

That should keep RAW going for a few weeks.


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The Rock came out and cut a promo thanking the fans, John Cena, his parents, his daughter, God and the Academy for his match at Wrestlemania 28. He then stated that he had a vision he’d be WWE Champion once more. Lovely. Then he left.

We don’t know how long the Rock will be gone for this time. There were rumours of a return match with John Cena at Summerslam but with the way the Rock and Cena were talking on Monday night it sounds as if they’re done with each other. The Rock said that when he was locked in the STF that he had a JHC moment, as in “Jesus H. Christ get this guy off me!”

I had something similar after the pinfall at Wrestlemania 28. Except mine was a GDTHWWYTHFCOLDSDDYDYATH moment as relates to John Cena. This stands for:

GOD DAMMIT TURN HEEL! WHY WON’T YOU TURN HEEL FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!

Alas and alack we didn’t get that. We got a new t-shirt instead. That’ll appease us!


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Following Child Molester Punk’s match against Mark Henry, the WWE champion was attacked by the ‘Ender of the World as We Know It’ Chris Jericho (Think that nickname will catch on? Yeah, I do too. He should put it on his tights). Y2Jobbycakes poured whisky all over Punk and hit him with a vicious Greco-Roman sliding toe to the ribs, complete with a cry of “WOI!” What do you mean he fell on his arse? He’s the best in the world at what he does dammit! There’s NO WAY he fell on his arse, it had to be the Greco-Roman thing. Jericho then smashed a bottle of whisky over Punk’s head. Utilising whisky is the ultimate heel tactic.

I mean everyone knows Punk’s a vodka man.


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The former Prince Albert / Plain Old Albert / A-Hole....sorry Train made his comeback to the WWE, debuting under the name Lord Tensai. His gimmick is that of a former WWE star who went to Japan and became a huge star there. The only problem is that when Tensai finally revealed himself neither Michael Cole nor Jerry Lawler acknowledged it was Albert / A-Train, which kinds defeats the purpose of him being a ‘former WWE star’.

I think they totally missed a trick here. When Tensai removed his mask Cole and Lawler should have been like:

“OH MY! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! IT’S HIM!”

“Who is it?”

“You know......that guy.......”

“Booker T?”

“No! The other one!”

“Scott Putski?”

“No! The big guy! With the back hair”

“Bruno Sammartino?”

“NO! He had a bald head!”

“Baron von Raschke?”

“Yes! I mean no! I don’t know anymore.......”

“I still think it’s Booker T”.

“Shut up Jerry”.


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The segment featuring the White Whale Shamoose and Alberto Del Rio highlighted everything that’s wrong about WWE’s current overly scripted product. Despite the crowd heavily booing Shamoose from the moment he made his entrance and chanting for Daniel Bryan, the World Heavyweight Champion and Del Rio stuck to the script with no acknowledgement of the fans’ reaction.

I know that in the past WWE have told their talent to stick to the plan and play to the TV audience despite what might be happening with the live crowd but it got to ridiculous levels when Shamoose said “Nobody here wants to hear me spouting a lot of words, they want to see me Brogue Kick somebody” to a MASSIVE chorus of boos.

At that point Shamoose looked like a deer caught in the headlights or else some kind of automaton. “Does. Not. Compute. Not. Desired. Crowd. Reaction. Error. Error. Error”.

Shamoose having a malfunction followed by his head exploding would have been class.


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Post Wrestlemania is always the season for a few releases. Amongst the usual dross to go there are one or two genuine surprises. Speculation is rife as to who will be given the boot this time around and I can exclusively reveal that Triple H has been charged with doing the firing. I even managed to get a sneak peak at who is on the Game-uhh’s list:

1. The Rock.
2. MVP.

Like I said, there’s always a genuine surprise and this time is no exception. I can’t believe they’re gonna release MVP.


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Bobby Roode and James Storm are on a collision course set for Lockdown. This week on (Jefferson) Impact Bobby Roode turned up with fake police to protect himself / James Storm depending on your viewpoint. How do we know they were fake? One of them had glasses, that’s how! James Storm retaliated in the time honoured wrestling tradition of debuting a music video, much how the Gotch / Hackenschmidt feud went down.

As much as I’ve enjoyed Roode’s title run, I’d like to see Storm given a shot on top as he’s really upped his game over the last few months. All signs point to a title change at Lockdown given the push James Storm has received so in TNA that can mean only one thing;

Storm’s losing at Lockdown then turning heel on (Jefferson) Impact by declaring he hates beer drinkers and it’s actually white wine spritzers he’s got in his bottles, he doesn’t like country music and prefers 80’s synth pop, he doesn’t really kick ass; he’d much rather settle a dispute with rational debate and that you fans can stick it brother! He’ll then be repackaged as a modern day Nick Bockwinkel.

It’s going to happen people. React accordingly.


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This week’s (Jefferson) Impact marked the babyface turn of Austin Aries, as he ripped into Bully Ray for attacking him during the fatal four way for the X Division title a week previously. Aries claimed that his balls were bigger than Bully Ray’s calves and this was evident when Aries and his balls the size of baby cows took it to ‘Calfzilla’ and the World Heavyweight Champion in the main event. Pity that he was nowhere to be seen for the finish and the camera immediately cut to Hulk Hogan once the pinfall had occurred but I guess you can’t have everything.

But that’s by the by. The main talking point of this whole situation is TNA’s blatant ripping off of a gimmick made famous by WWE. What gimmick I hear you ask? Well it’s obviously the moment Austin Aries channelled his inner Teddy Long and turned the 2 on 1 main event of Bobby Roode and Bully Ray versus James Storm into a TAG MATCH PLAYA!

Quite who gave him the authoritah to do that remains to be seen but I can’t be the only one looking forward to next week when Aries comes out wearing an oversized suit and starts macking on every female in the general vicinity. It’s gonna take Austin to the very top.

Belie’ dat.


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Dixie Clueless and Hulk Hogan had a secret rendezvous that was caught on camera. Not THAT kind of secret rendezvous you sicko! This one was in a park in full view of the public. Again, NOT that kind of secret rendezvous you weirdo! Get your mind out of the gutter.

This meeting was to discuss the possibility of Hogan returning to run TNA after Sting had stepped down. The whole segment seemed completely off, on Hogan’s part anyway. Dixie was talking about Hulk returning and he blurted out “You know something brother, I completely trust Sting!” to which Dixie had to respond with “Um.....yeah.....I trust Sting too, but this is about you”.

I really hope Hogan’s gone senile; it would make for some epic television. But would anyone really notice the difference? Regardless, I might even start watching (Jefferson) Impact instead of just making up the TNA portion of ‘Random Thoughts’!

Oh you didn’t know?


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The Young and the Bischoffs soap opera continued this week when Eric came out and said he’d give his offspring one more chance to leave the wrestling business or else he’d book a match at Lockdown: Baby Bischoff versus Gunner! The fans in the (Jefferson) Impact Zone went COMPLETELY indifferent at this news.

Garett Bischoff – the man who oozes charisma.....wait that’s not charisma, it’s grease – sauntered out to the sound of 60,000 screaming Garettamaniacs before telling his father that he was a jackass and dumber than everybody thinks. This segment ended with Garett shoving Eric in the chest and telling him he’d be at Lockdown. Yay!

Some people don’t like Garett Bischoff because they feel he’s benefitting from nepotism. My dislike stems from something MUCH deeper than that:

His nostrils.

I don’t know what it is about them but every time I see Garett Bischoff I want to shove drumsticks up his nose. Is this normal?

I have concluded that yes, it is.


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After this week’s (Jefferson) Impact I have come to the conclusion that Velvet Sky should NEVER be interviewed immediately after one of her matches again. She just seemed to shout randomly which had no relevance whatsoever to what she was saying; it was like watching a John Cena promo. I mean even that renowned orator Christy Hemme walked away from the interview with a look on her face which just screamed “That was bloody woeful”.

When Christy Hemme is crapping on your promos then you know that the microphone is not your friend. In fact the microphone hates you. And it hopes you get AIDS.


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What is it with all these retired wrestlers giving props to current wrestlers? Roddy Piper’s the latest to do it, praising CM Punk on Twitter. Hell, even WORYAH! was at it!

I miss the days of old time wrestlers knocking everyone and everything in the business. It was all “Well in my day......” or “It says wrestling on the marquee dammit!”, or as Arn Anderson put it; “It says marquee on the wrestling!” – Hall of Famer my ass. Anyway, what the hell happened? We don’t want these guys LIKING the wrestling business, they need to be washed up, broken down and completely bitter.

It needs to be more like: “In my day we didn’t have light-up jackets! We didn’t even have jackets! We came to the ring in tights and boots. Sometimes we came to the ring without tights and boots. We’d wrestle naked! We were REAL men! You wouldn’t see any of these snot-nosed punks wrestling naked nowadays! We’d wrestle naked 365 days of the year, twice on Sundays. And then we’d drink beer. Together. Naked. Because that’s what men did in those days!”

Sort it out old timers.


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"The segment featuring the White Whale Shamoose and Alberto Del Rio highlighted everything that’s wrong about WWE’s current overly scripted product. Despite the crowd heavily booing Shamoose from the moment he made his entrance and chanting for Daniel Bryan, the World Heavyweight Champion and Del Rio stuck to the script with no acknowledgement of the fans’ reaction.

I know that in the past WWE have told their talent to stick to the plan and play to the TV audience despite what might be happening with the live crowd but it got to ridiculous levels when Shamoose said “Nobody here wants to hear me spouting a lot of words, they want to see me Brogue Kick somebody” to a MASSIVE chorus of boos.

At that point Shamoose looked like a deer caught in the headlights or else some kind of automaton. “Does. Not. Compute. Not. Desired. Crowd. Reaction. Error. Error. Error”.

Shamoose having a malfunction followed by his head exploding would have been class"

Amidst all the comedy that is a great point.

theundisputedY2D2 wrote:Jericho ended up tapping like Bo Jangles on speed to the Anaconda Vice.

Quote of the week!!

Hilarious as per usual.

Damn you for making me giggle at work like a small child being naughty at school!!

I’m glad they got straight to the point for this one, for a second there I had visions of a Wrestlemania 29 sign descending from the rafters and Lesnar looking up at it before looking at Cena, who’d look up at the Wrestlemania 29 sign before turning back to Lesnar, who’d look up at the Wrestlemania 29 sign then look at Cena again, who’d look at Lesnar, look at the Wrestlemania 29 sign then look at Lesnar again, who’d look at Cena, look at the sign, look at Cena, look at the sign, look at Cena, look at the sign, keep looking at the sign, then look at Cena, before Cena looked at Lesnar, looked at the sign, looked at Lesnar, looked at the sign, looked at Michael Cole, blew him a kiss before turning back to Lesnar as RAW went off the air with Jerry Lawler shouting “WHAT CAN THIS MEAN?”

This bit really set me off

I've been away from TNA for a bit..shame Aries has turned face...i liked him as a heel. Maybe he is stepping to the heavyweight title picture now..

Maria Menounos sounds like it should be a breakfast cereal.

Just off to have a bowl of menounos.

“I’m going to break your neck!”

“You’re not though are you?”

“Yeah.........I know......but I WILL beat up your mum!”

“That’s not happening either is it Chris?”

“..............No..........no it’s not”.

“What are you going to do now then?”

“I think I’ll just go home..........”

“Really?”

“..............No”.

The-Rizz wrote:

theundisputedY2D2 wrote:Jericho ended up tapping like Bo Jangles on speed to the Anaconda Vice.

Quote of the week!!

Hilarious as per usual.

The "tapping like Bo Jangles on speed" is a line that was used by Kurt Angle. If I remember rightly he said it about Hulk Hogan prior to their match at King of the Ring 2002. So I can't really claim any credit for that one.


Actually sod it, I CAN claim credit for it!


IT WAS ME AUSTIN! IT WAS ME ALL ALONG!

theundisputedY2D2 wrote:

The-Rizz wrote:

theundisputedY2D2 wrote:Jericho ended up tapping like Bo Jangles on speed to the Anaconda Vice.

Quote of the week!!

Hilarious as per usual.

The "tapping like Bo Jangles on speed" is a line that was used by Kurt Angle. If I remember rightly he said it about Hulk Hogan prior to their match at King of the Ring 2002. So I can't really claim any credit for that one.


Actually sod it, I CAN claim credit for it!


IT WAS ME AUSTIN! IT WAS ME ALL ALONG!

And you did it for the rock!!!!!!!!!!!

<quote>John Cena wearing a toadstool on his head would be all kinds of awesome. Just picture it.

Cena doesn’t suck so much now does he?</quote>

I can picture it, and it's hilarious!

Quality Random Thoughts again this week!