Glasgow and Edinburgh: Ongoing Banter Thread VII

[George Carlin]

Ye Olde Banter:

https://www.606v2.com/t48240-glasgow-and-edinburgh-ongoing-banter-thread
https://www.606v2.com/t51313-glasgow-and-edinburgh-ongoing-banter-thread-ii
https://www.606v2.com/t53119-glasgow-and-edinburgh-ongoing-banter-thread-iii
https://www.606v2.com/t54519-glasgow-and-edinburgh-ongoing-banter-thread-iv
https://www.606v2.com/t55409-glasgow-and-edinburgh-ongoing-banter-thread-v-the-fun-continues
https://www.606v2.com/t56913p950-glasgow-and-edinburgh-ongoing-banter-thread-vi-banter-boogaloo

A. Edinburgh
   

1. League Results

Fri 5 Sep: Munster Rugby 13 - 14 Edinburgh Rugby

Fri 12 Sep: Edinburgh Rugby 13 - 14 Connacht Rugby

Sun 21 Sep: Ospreys 62 - 13 Edinburgh Rugby

Fri 26 Sep: Edinburgh Rugby 20 - 20 Scarlets

Fri 3 Oct: Ulster Rugby 30 - 0 Edinburgh Rugby

Sat 11 Oct: Edinburgh Rugby 24 - 10 Newport Gwent Dragons

Fri 31 Oct: Leinster Rugby 33 - 8 Edinburgh Rugby

Sun 23 Nov: Edinburgh Rugby 28 - 13 Cardiff Blues

Sat 29 Nov: Zebre 18 - 10 Edinburgh Rugby

Fri 19 Dec: Edinburgh Rugby 48 - 0 Benetton Treviso

Sat 27 Dec: Glasgow Warriors 16 - 6 Edinburgh Rugby

Fri 2 Jan: Edinburgh Rugby - 20 - 8 Glasgow Warriors

Fri 9 Jan: Connacht Rugby 13 - 16 Edinburgh Rugby

Fri 13 Feb: Edinburgh Rugby 24 - 16 Ospreys

Fri 20 Feb: Edinburgh Rugby 17 - 20 Ulster Rugby

Sun 1 Mar: Cardiff Blues 21 - 15 Edinburgh Rugby

2. European Results

17/10/14: Bordeaux-Begles 13 - 15 Edinburgh Rugby

24/10/14: Edinburgh Rugby 25 - 17 Lyon

7/12/14: Edinburgh Rugby 25 - 13 London Welsh

14/12/14: London Welsh 6 - 24 Edinburgh Rugby

17/01/2015: Lyon 21 - 19 Edinburgh Rugby

23/01/2015: Edinburgh Rugby 38 - 20 Bordeaux-Begles

B. Glasgow


1. League Results

Sat 6 Sep: Glasgow Warriors 22 - 20 Leinster Rugby

Sun 14 Sep: Cardiff Blues 12 - 33 Glasgow Warriors

Sat 20 Sep: Newport Gwent Dragons 13 - 33 Glasgow Warriors

Fri 26 Sep: Glasgow Warriors 39 - 21 Connacht Rugby

Sun 5 Oct: Benetton Treviso 23 - 40 Glasgow Warriors

Sat 11 Oct: Ulster Rugby 29 - 9 Glasgow Warriors

Fri 31 Oct: Glasgow Warriors 17 - 9 Benetton Treviso

Fri 21 Nov: Scarlets 19 - 9 Glasgow Warriors

Sun 30 Nov: Glasgow Warriors 19 - 15 Newport Gwent Dragons

Sat 20 Dec: Glasgow Warriors 21 - 18 Munster Rugby

Sat 27 Dec: Glasgow Warriors 16 - 6 Edinburgh Rugby

Fri 2 Jan: Edinburgh Rugby 20 - 8 Glasgow Warriors

Fri 9 Jan: Glasgow Warriors 22 - 7 Scarlets

Sun 15 Feb: Zebre 10 - 54 Glasgow Warriors

Sat 21 Feb: Glasgow Warriors 19 - 16 Ospreys

Sat 28 Feb: Munster Rugby 22 - 10 Glasgow Warriors

2. European Results

18/10/14: Glasgow Warriors 37 - 10 Bath Rugby

25/10/14: Montpellier 13 - 15 Glasgow Warriors

7/12/14: Toulouse 19 - 11 Glasgow Warriors

13/12/14: Glasgow Warriors 9 - 12 Toulouse

18/01/2015: Glasgow Warriors 21 - 10 Montpellier

25/01/2015: Bath Rugby 20 - 15 Glasgow Warriors

[RDW]

Very apt Harry Potter references there! If only there was spell for making people good at rugby.

It is well known that J.K. Rowling is a big rugby fan - she tweeted at the weekend reminding everyone that the Scotland team has a player called Tonks (also a character in the books) and also wrote an article saying how the Scotland rugby team has a history in wizardry!

The wizarding world’s affection for the Scottish rugby team is all the more bizarre because a substantial part of wizarding society knows nothing about Muggle sports, which they regard as inherently dull and even silly. Yet the Scottish rugby team has become a wizarding meme – part in-joke, part genuine interest – which has its roots in the nineteenth century and is a tale both sad and uplifting.

The wizarding family of Buchanan lived in a village in the Scottish Borders for many generations. A reputation for aggression and drunkenness, coupled with their prodigious size (the daughters alone had won the village tug-of-war every year in living memory), kept their neighbours at a respectful distance and ignorant of their magical abilities. One by one, as they reached the age of eleven, the Buchanan sons and daughters would disappear to Hogwarts. The village whispered that the enormous, wild children were being removed to a corrective facility or even a mental institution.

By the mid-nineteenth century the Buchanan family comprised an overworked mother, a fierce father and eleven children. The household was loud and chaotic, but even so, it is surprising that neither of the Buchanan parents realised that their third son, Angus, was a Squib – a wizard-born child with no magical powers. It had always been the proud boast of Mr Buchanan senior that such an anomaly had never occurred in their family. The proud old warlock went further: a Squib in any family was a sign that they were in decline and deserved to be winnowed out.

His brothers and sisters were all very fond of Angus, who was the largest and kindest of them all, so they covered up for him in front of his parents. The deception was innocently begun, but as the time approached for him to leave for Hogwarts, Angus and his siblings became uneasily aware that they could not maintain the pretense much longer. No letter from school arrived for Angus, but his panicking sister Flora forged one, which kept the parents in ignorance for several weeks more. Shy, good-natured and frightened of his father, Angus could not think of any alternative but to play along with his older siblings. They took him to Diagon Alley, where they bought a wand and pretended that it had chosen him. On the appointed day, his big brother Hamish took him to Hogwarts on the back of his broomstick, hoping against desperate hope that Angus would be allowed to stay once they got there, or that the school might be able to tease some magic out of him.

It had never happened before and it has never happened since, but Angus got as far as the Sorting Hat before he was exposed. In sheer desperation he threw himself ahead of a girl whose name had been called and placed the Hat upon his head. The horror of the moment when the Hat announced kindly that the boy beneath it was a good-hearted chap, but no wizard, would never be forgotten by those who witnessed it. Angus took off the hat and left the hall with tears streaming down his face.

News of Angus’s humiliation reached his parents in a flurry of owls before their son arrived home on foot. He was met by his humiliated father, who barred his entrance, bade him never darken their door again, and fired curses after Angus as he fled.

Without any idea of what he would do next, without family or money, the eleven-year-old Angus walked to the capital, occasionally hitching rides on carts. In Edinburgh he lied about his age and managed to find work as a labourer.

To Angus’s surprise, Muggles were not nearly as bad as his father and mother had always told him. He had the good fortune to be taken in by a kind foreman and his wife who had no children of their own, and by the time he was eighteen, Angus had grown into a big strong man who was loved for his kind nature and admired for his physical prowess, but who never shared the strange secrets of his past.

Angus’s early childhood had been spent dodging curses on an almost daily basis, which meant that he was surprisingly fast for a man of his size. He found his greatest pleasure and pride in athleticism, and soon became adept at the relatively new Muggle sport of rugby. Years of helping his siblings catch Golden Snitches in the back garden also made him a natural at cricket.

In 1871 Angus found himself representing his country in the first ever international rugby match, which took place in Edinburgh between England and Scotland. Angus’s emotion can perhaps be imagined as he walked out onto the pitch and saw all ten of his brothers and sisters among the spectators. Defying their father’s contempt for all Muggle pursuits and his injunction against ever seeing Angus again, they had set out to track him down. Elated, Angus scored the first try. Scotland won the match.

Reunion with his family caused Angus to reevaluate his relationship with his magical roots and in 1900 he published the groundbreaking worldwide bestseller My Life As A Squib. Until this point, Squibs had lived in the shadows. Some clung to the fringes of the wizarding world, always feeling second-class and trying to fit in; others cut all ties and lived entirely as Muggles, often repudiating their beginnings. My Life As A Squib brought the plight of these individuals to the wizarding world’s attention.

Thus Angus Buchanan became world-famous among wizards whilst also being celebrated among Muggles, a hitherto unknown achievement. Wizards of many nationalities began turning up to watch him play sport. Unfortunately, cricket found little favour with wizardkind. As the chief sports writer in the Daily Prophet wrote in 1902: ‘a Beater who is unable to fly defends three sticks instead of a hoop, while a Snitch without wings is thrown at the sticks. That’s it. Sometimes for several days’. Rugby held more appeal. Wizards could not help but admire the strength and courage of Muggles prepared to engage in a sport so brutal, without recourse to Disapparating out of the way, or access to Skele-Gro to repair broken bones. It must be admitted that there was an edge of sadism to some wizards’ enjoyment.

When Angus Buchanan died, he was honoured by both wizarding and Muggle worlds, an almost unique achievement in the annals of history. A shining example of a person who had made the most of the hand that life had dealt them and emerged triumphant, Angus was too modest to realise the impact that he had had. The Angus Buchanan Cup for Outstanding Effort is awarded at Hogwarts each year and My Life as A Squib is on its 110th printing.

When it comes to wizarding sports and games (Quidditch, Quodpot, Creaothceann – officially banned but still played illegally – broom-racing, Gobstones and so forth) wizards are naturally fiercely partisan and support their own country, but it is considered infra dig for wizards to support any rugby team other than Scotland. Over the nearly 150 years since Angus Buchanan helped win the first international rugby match, discussing Scottish rugby has become one of several covert identifiers for wizards meeting in front of Muggles and seeking to establish each other’s credentials. Eavesdropping Muggles might be puzzled as to why two Peruvians are so interested in a Scottish team, but it is generally agreed that this is preferable to arguing about Quidditch or comparing wand lengths in public.

Shortly after Angus’s death, the Wizarding Supporters of Scottish Rugby Union was set up in his memory by his devoted fans. The WSSRU, which exists to this day, has both Scottish and foreign wizarding members. They meet on the eve of every Scottish international match to toast Angus’s memory and anticipate a happy eighty minutes of watching Muggles trample each other into the mud. The International Statute of Secrecy expressly forbids wizards to participate in Muggle sport, but there is nothing illegal in supporting a Muggle side. However, the WSSRU has often had to deny the persistent rumour that its secret mission is to smuggle a talented Squib on to every Scottish team. Current suspects include Kelly Brown (possible cousin of Lavender’s), Jim Hamilton (strong resemblance to Hagrid) and Stuart Hogg (enough said).

[funnyExiledScot]

I think I now know what Scott Johnson reads before press conferences!!

[WhiskyBluff]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qvIAwgJkw3s

This is a very very sad and dour press conference. However if you click the little cc button to bring up subtitles it almost makes up for such appalling rugby at the weekend.

[BigGee]

Well on slightly more positive notes, the SRU has released 25 players from the Scotland squad back to their clubs for the weekend games, including Finn Russell and Greg Tonks, so both sides really aught to have a FH this weekend.

This is actually a good move, considering a few of those players Scott, Toolis and S HC in particular have not played very much rugby for a while. Lets see them play over the weekend and then pick the team after that. Give some of them the chance to stake a claim!

It should mean as well that both teams have a decent chance of winning their games and in Glasgow's case picking up 5 points, which they will need.

[funnyExiledScot]

You'd like to think both sides would be winning this weekend.

Edinburgh need to get SH-C, Tonks and Scott playing 9,10 and 12. Burleigh can bench.

I'd start Watson and Toolis as well.

[RDW]

Strange that Fraser Brown is also rested - maybe Ford is carrying a niggle.

Either that or our 3rd choice hooker doesn't bare thinking about!

[funnyExiledScot]

Strange that Fraser Brown is also rested - maybe Ford is carrying a niggle.

Either that or our 3rd choice hooker doesn't bare thinking about!

The latter I think. In fact I don't even know who it is? Wee Pee, McInally, Cochrane, Hilterbrand (shudder).....

[BigGee]

Strange that Fraser Brown is also rested - maybe Ford is carrying a niggle.

Either that or our 3rd choice hooker doesn't bare thinking about!

Ford went off with a back spasm which seems to be an on going problem for him and might also partly explain why he did not play very well!

It might not be a bad idea if Brown was to start, we are going to need more than one hooker in the WC, Brown is second choice and has not started a game yet.

[BigGee]

Strange that Fraser Brown is also rested - maybe Ford is carrying a niggle.

Either that or our 3rd choice hooker doesn't bare thinking about!

The latter I think. In fact I don't even know who it is? Wee Pee, McInally, Cochrane, Hilterbrand (shudder).....

McInally actually showed up very well in the 20 mins he got on sunday, very much at the fore of the attempted come back. There may be something in this move to hooker yet, though to late for this WC. I would like to see him start on Saturday, he deserves his chance.

[funnyExiledScot]

Agree that McInally should be given a chance with Edinburgh, but far too soon to be seeing him in Scotland colours.

Cochrane has actually been pretty decent for us, albeit that he's underpowered for my liking.

[tigertattie]

Firstly! - Are we going for more banter threads than there are Rocky films?

Secondly - WTF was that pish about wizards at the start of this thread??? I know we Scottish posters often ramble or post crap for craps sake! But Harry potter posts? Really??? Taking it too far now surely?

[George Carlin]

Firstly! - Are we going for more banter threads than there are Rocky films?

Secondly - WTF was that pish about wizards at the start of this thread??? I know we Scottish posters often ramble or post crap for craps sake! But Harry potter posts? Really??? Taking it too far now surely?

Confringo!

[R!skysports]

Firstly! - Are we going for more banter threads than there are Rocky films?

Secondly - WTF was that pish about wizards at the start of this thread??? I know we Scottish posters often ramble or post crap for craps sake! But Harry potter posts? Really??? Taking it too far now surely?

Expelliarmus the Grumpyarmus

[funnyExiledScot]

I believe Tim Visser's petronas is a saloon door.

[George Carlin]

I believe Tim Visser's petronas is a saloon door.

You win the internet today.

[RDW]

We can definitely go somewhere with this!

Mark Bennett's:

[George Carlin]

Alan Jacobson's:


David Denton's:

[RDW]

Jim Hamilton

[RDW]

Finn Russell's

[GLove39]

Mine / Rob Harley's

[RDW]

Surely this is Bob Harleys:

[EWT Spoons]

Treviso v Edinburgh

[tigertattie]

I believe Tim Visser's petronas is a saloon door.

What does Lewis Hamilton's F1 team have to do with Tim Visser and a saloon door?

[George Carlin]

I believe Tim Visser's petronas is a saloon door.

What does Lewis Hamilton's F1 team have to do with Tim Visser and a saloon door?

All three are wooden, have limited functionality and have been fundementally unfit for purpose a couple of times over the past year.

[jimbopip]

Big Al...a Sherlock Holmes magnifying glass for use at rucks.

[jimbopip]

Dozer Denton... The shaggy dancing pony that trots to Fleetwood Mac in thon advert.

[jimbopip]

Dancer... Dr Dre Beats headphones. (How down with the kids am I?)

[jimbopip]

Schlong.. too pornographic for this site, but typically Glaswegian and certain to make Fes's eyes water.

[funnyExiledScot]

Schlong.. too pornographic for this site, but typically Glaswegian and certain to make Fes's eyes water.

If it must be Glaswegian surely it should be one of the following:

- a bar of soap
- a chip on the shoulder
- a P45
- a benefits claim form
- a dog eared copy of the White Paper, soaked with tears
- a bottle of buckfast
- a tin of superstrengh
- a tub of glue
- an 1872 runners up medal....

[jimbopip]

Fes, quite funny. did Festina help you? Or did the second under-butler lend a hand, as it were?

[George Carlin]

An Edinburgh petronus would have to be:

- a broken tram
- a ludicrously expensive Old Town flat
- a new cashmere jumper
- a weak chin
- an inbred cousin
- a cigar being lit by a £50 note
- an organic vegetable box
- a suede box of male cosmetics
- an overworked domestic servant
- a Range Rover with a Jenners carrier bag in the window

I'm not sure how you would show an overwhelming sense of self importance in animal form.

Wait. The petronus could be in the form of Jose Mourinho. Sorted.

[funnyExiledScot]

I'm not sure how you would show an overwhelming sense of self importance in animal form.

An image of Alex Salmond should do the trick!

[tigertattie]

I'm not sure how you would show an overwhelming sense of self importance in animal form.

An image of Alex Salmond should do the trick!

The best thing about Salmond no longer being first minister - He's no on the tele anywhere near as much!

[funnyExiledScot]

An Edinburgh petronus would have to be:

- a broken tram
- a ludicrously expensive Old Town flat
- a new cashmere jumper
- a weak chin
- an inbred cousin
- a cigar being lit by a £50 note
- an organic vegetable box
- a suede box of male cosmetics
- an overworked domestic servant
- a Range Rover with a Jenners carrier bag in the window

Actually the tram works.

The rest I'm fine with.

[tigertattie]

An Edinburgh Glasgow petronus would have to be:

- a broken tram football team
- a ludicrously expensive Old Town flat in terms of value for money
- a new cashmere jumper Kappa tracksuit
- a weak double chin
- an inbred cousin who isn't sure if your uncle is actually their father
- a cigar being lit by a A glimpse of a £50 note
- an organic  actual, real-life, fresh vegetable
- a suede gift box of male cosmetics and soaps
- an overworked domestic servant A member of the family not on the dole
- a Range burnt out Rover 100

I has fixed that for you George! free of charge for you of course

[funnyExiledScot]

[Nematode]

Anyone know who the guy behind Braid is in the background? Got no clue whatsoever.

[MacKnocked-on]

Anyone know who the guy behind Braid is in the background? Got no clue whatsoever.

A quick look at the squad profiles on the Warriors website has failed to enlighten me. Is that photo from the Munster game?

[RDW]

Looks like it might be from an A game from a while ago?

[funnyExiledScot]

Whoever he is, he's probably world class.

[jimbopip]

Given the roundness to his face he's either a world class prop or the Luvvies have loaned us one of their lightning quick southern hemisphere centres.

[funnyExiledScot]

Nah, he's kept up with play and looks ready to receive the ball, so that rules him out of being one of our lot.

[cp10]

I wonder if we'll see the Argentine pair Dominguez and more likely Leonardi at Edinburgh next season. Argentina are entering Super Rugby next season so will probably hoovering up qualified players.

Who was it that used to say we should copy the Argentine amateur model?

[BigGee]

Our Welsh cousins have certainly done Glasgow a favour this weekend, all beat Irish sides and only Ulster even got a bonus point, which by all accounts they did not really deserve!

That was a better outcome than anyone could have predicted and hopefully it may have done some serious psychological damage to various Irish title ambitions!

Well done the Welsh, particularly the Dragons!

[Nematode]

Unbelievable by all the Welsh teams in all honesty.

Saw 30 mins of the first half of Dragons vs Ulster - the dragons defence looked solid, and Ulster had no cutting edge. Piennar was woeful with the boot too.

[justified sinner]

However on the flipside Scarlets winning was not a good result for Edinburgh.

[George Carlin]

To be 4 points clear going in to the break is actually pretty amazing.

Shows what a load of old cobblers it is to criticize this league for being predictable or pre-ordained.

[funnyExiledScot]

Glasgow are certainly in a decent position and going well, although it was certainly good to have that Zebre fixture at this stage in the season. Jonny Gray and Tim Swinson can't return soon enough.

Lots of people down on Edinburgh, but we are improving. The pack is unrecognisable from the prior two seasons, and if we can just add a bit more cutting edge to the back three I think we'll be competing better for the top 6 next season.

[A Simply Mesmeric Try]

I see that Sean Kennedy has knackered his shoulder, and is out for the rest of the season. Nathan Fowles' arrival makes sense now.

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