It's not 'Send', it's the 'Culture Cup', stupid.

First topic message reminder :

Have I missed it?

I resent being compared to a blood-thirsty Tory toff.

Sorry. You remind me of someone else annoyed to the point of ultraviolence but feeling obliged to keep himself in check.

Not at all. SF isn't a secret, he is but a fly. I reply to him because it amuses me to do so. It's impossible to take him seriously enough to get upset by him.

Me: It's black.
SF: No, it's white.
Me: The laws of physics are in place - it really is black.
SF: The web-sites I read, because I'm so open-minded and clever, and am capable of thinking beyond your plane of existence, show it to be white.
Me: That's interesting, what web-sites are those?
SF: Bob Dylan.

C'mon - why would anyone waste their time & emotions getting annoyed?

(cont'd)
Hero: Sorry, Julius, but you are no longer a mod.
Julius: Yes! Yes! F*cking yes! Where are you fly? Come on then, come on you f*cking no-good muggy c*nt. Show your f*cking boat you vermin.
Bang, bosh, thump etc.

I see a proper Dick has been put in charge of the met, in other news.

I used to suffer from Cressida Dick.

You have to be careful these days mate, hope it has cleared up.

JuliusHMarx wrote:I used to suffer from Cressida Dick.

Is that where it slowly gets bigger and bigger as opposed to slowly getting louder and louder?

Galted wrote:@ Dagless, lol out loud
@ Julius, I wear Wolfskin and Rockports now, I cause quite a fluttering amongst the ladies wherever I go.

Yeah, you should tell them that waving their hands in front of their faces won't make your pungent odour go away.

Morning people, how did Smartly Dressed Barry get on in his first day Shah?

It was his second day because he started on Tuesday. On Tuesday he was a bit leary but understandable because it was his first day. It also served to hide the fact he was an idiot till day two. So he came in yesterday and I asked him to open up the building like I showed him on tuesday - basically open the doors to staff entrance, open the goods in door then do a patrol and come back to the front . So he goes inside does the patrol, leaves all the doors locked grabs a coffee and sits on the reception desk with his feet propped up on the first aid kit bag. So he opened up the building apart from the bits that actually needed to be done. I knew then that I was dealing with a world class moron.

just get him on this

Morning Shah

Morning Ricko.

The Chronicles of Barry - Part Two.

On being asked to look up phone numbers for internationally based staff, he spent the best part of 5 minutes alternately tapping #31... and *31... when unable to find the + sign on the phone.

You babysitting again today mate?

No, the boss doesn't really want him back

No 5h1t...

Await the next numpty down the conveyer belt of ineptitude.

The Chronicles of Barry - Part Three

When given a name over the intercom - spelled out for him, he wrote it down and unable to verify the name or find it on the system refused the person access for 15 minutes. When the receptionist returned she let the poor lady in. The poor lady's name was something like Borthwick and he had written it down as - B O R T H U U I C K.

Is this like care in the community stuff?

Shah is throwing in lots of reference to the Prince song, Positivity.

Can U sleep nights?
Do U dream straight up or do U dream in W's?

Positivity YES
Have U had your + sign 2 day?

ShahenshahG wrote:The Chronicles of Barry - Part Three

The poor lady's name was something like Borthwick and he had written it down as - B O R T H U U I C K.

That is genius.

At least you can see the working out...

I see that we've caught a 'live one' over on the Trump thread.

Seems to be the case. I have some time this afternoon also.

Chronicles of Barry Part 4

After twice being warned not to adjust the receptionists seat first by me and the second by the warning sign on the seat stating 'do not adjust - specially adjusted for medical reasons' he sat without adjusting it though his hands repetitively grasped hold on the level operating it. When he saw the receptionist coming he panicked and adjusted the seat backward and low in the process knocking askew the spinal support cushion painstakingly tied and adjusted by the medical officer and the engineer. She's been cussing him since he left yesterday.

Chronicles of Barry - Part 5

After showing him where the coffee area was I left him to his own devices. About 12 minutes later he comes back with half a cup of coffee complaining that the touchscreen button marked 'pour' on the boiling water option wasn't working and that he had to press it 150 times to get enough water to make the coffee. Upon taking him back to the machine to verify this I discovered that he was using his whole palm to press the admittedly large touch button but in the process covered up the bit that said 'Hold to pour hot water'

Chronicles of Barry part 6

Correctly reversed his car into the parking space but it was protruding a little so I asked him to back it up a bit. He turned around saw the sign saying reverse into the bay then promptly drove forward into the opposite bay to park the wrong way around.

I would like very much to see Barry hired to help the angry help-hating kiwi.

Chronicles of Barry - Part 7 - The End

We have an access monitoring system which shows each person or card that swipes through the system it does this by bringing up the name and the photo of the person currently swiping their card. Upon the receptionist swiping out of the atrium into the reception area he looks at the photo of her from her new years party 2002 with the year and salutations written on giant sparkly letters behind her, raises an eyebrow and enquires with all seriousness 'Photoshop?

Man, him and the angry Kiwi would be comedy gold.

All it would need is Galted wearing a hat with corks on strings dangling from it and greeting him with G'day mate thrice a day.

I think we have killed the Off Topic thread...

Give it time Rick. Give it time.

Two pieces of cod and a garlic baguette.

8/10

What did Barry have? Or did he just get the nutrients he needs from licking the window?

I'd just assumed that Barry tripped over the receptionist with the dodgy back as she was trying to fix her chair and he ended up face down in a custard pie.

You should just follow him around with a trombone.

Fist

Chronicles of Barry - Part 8 - Really the end.

The compliance team's head lawyer sent an email to the security inbox yesterday evening that I didn't pick up till this morning. Apparently Barry told them he had worked in a law office for a while and was interested in any job openings. The law teams resident joker humoured him with a private talk and he talked about law for about 10 minutes and how he would go about dealing with various issues. Apparently he made several impressive legal references but unfortunately they were all to do with american criminal law rather than UK-EU-US corporate law. Then the compliance lawyer took his details down and promised to call him if there were any job openings. I'm beginning to regret not calling him back - he is a one man Monty Python show.

rick_dagless wrote:You should just follow him around with a trombone.

Or a straitjacket

rick_dagless wrote:What did Barry have?  Or did he just get the nutrients he needs from licking the window?

I imagine so.


I've finally managed to communicate to someone higher up about the need to change my hours to more suitable ones, a meeting with Smartly Dressed Barry should concentrate their minds.

So we think he has his law experience from Judge Judy?

Morning Shah, keep fighting the good fight, plus the Chronicles of Barry are a great read when work gets tedious.

Do the (potential) new hours restrict your Culture Cup usage?

They should extend them actually. trying to morph my shift into one whole shift rather than a split shift.

Nice,

How is the weekend shaping for you? Wee Hassan and no sleep?

Na, the boy's a legend - he eats like a pig and sleeps after eating too much and getting lethargic. The youth of today eh? Can't even hold their food. Will make my long overdue return to the gym after getting over the smokers cough and perhaps take the younguns out to the park. What about you?

I am chilling with Mrs D tonight, being dragged to Hull by a mate with a spare ticket tomorrow, and then playing in a pool match on Sunday.

Was at the gym last night and feeling it today...

The angry kiwi is rising to the challenge of smartly-dressed Barry.
He's been relatively subdued over the past few months but yesterday he was trying to stack a few dozen port replicators.  The boxes were not all of the same dimensions and the ones at the bottom were getting squashed so the pile kept toppling over, he got redder and redder and more aggressive as he rebuilt his pile.  Eventually he started swearing and chuntering and smashing them into place and managed to force the stack up against the wall but, as he turned, it all came tumbling down about him.  He went absolutely spare, screaming and punching and kicking the boxes and the cage in which all the new IT equipment is stored.  Unfortunately I sit right next to the cage, inches from where this was happening, and I just about sh*t myself trying not to laugh.  It was like doing a cage dive amongst a shark feeding frenzy.

Galted wrote:....a few dozen port replicators.

Do you work on the starship Enterprise?

JuliusHMarx wrote:

Galted wrote:....a few dozen port replicators.

Do you work on the starship Enterprise?

Apologies but I can't find a relevant Star Trek quote to use as a response.
Here's one from The Godfather instead:
Michael: "no"

Any chance of surreptitiously filming one of his chuntering episodes on your phone and posting on here, Galted? Would be a real hoot.