The Last Film watched (CONTAINS A LOT OF SPOILERS)

First topic message reminder :

superflyweight wrote:

Scott is Back wrote:"Thor - Ragnarok"

Tino memorial rating : 7.5874 - Not seen any of the previous Thor's, but this one looked all new and shiny, so thought i would give it a whirl.

GSoE: 8.6

HH Scale of Accurate Titling: 8/10 – Thor Ragnarok - Well the main man is ol' Thor, God of Thunder & all that jazz....so thats a good start. Ragnarok as a word features quite heavily, still no overly sure what it was, but it was mentioned a lot.

Michaels scale of tits OR war: Tits - one topless scene where God of Pecs shows off his rippling torso, and the Hulk gets his dimply arse-cheeks out. Not sure if i would class it as a war, but some fisty-cuffs ensued, and there was a winner, so i suppose it could be a war.... who knows, certainly not me!

Rowley Scale of Northern Thriftiness: 5/10 - The wife was sent to sainsburys for some steak, and returned with the film, so it didnt cost me anything, but the Scott household took a hit of £9.99.

TattieSconesRRN-Q: "Piss off Ghost" - Said in a South African/Australian Accent, i couldnt tell which (is this racist?)

If Barry Norman had done his reviews like this he wouldn't be dead now.  

Was he murdered due to his substandard movie reviewing technique?

Talk to Me

Tino memorial rating : 8.327 - fairly low budget Australian horror film.  Not particularly scary or full of 'jump scares'  but some fairly disturbing and tense horror at times.  

Fair dinkum!

GSoE: 8/10 - It drags in a couple of places but where a film starts off with someone stabbing himself in the eye and later has someone else try to remove their own eyes with their bare hands, the quieter bits are a bit of a relief.  

Put another shrimp on the bar-b, mate while I get another tinnie from me tucker bag.

HH scale of accurate titling: 9/10 - Title makes a lot of sense once you've seen the film.  

That's not a knife

Michaels Scale of t*ts OR war: 8/10 - See earlier comments about eye removal.  No visible uncovered norks.  

You can't expect a blind fella to catch his own kangaroo

Rowley Scale of Northern Thriftiness: 10/10 - it's on Netflix and as I've previously boasted, I get that free through my Sky glass subscription.  

Bowling Shane  

TSRRN-Q: "I woke up and Mia was, I don't know, sucking my feet."

She's a top sheila

superflyweight wrote:Talk to Me

Tino memorial rating : 8.327 - fairly low budget Australian horror film.  Not particularly scary or full of 'jump scares'  but some fairly disturbing and tense horror at times.  

Fair dinkum!

GSoE: 8/10 - It drags in a couple of places but where a film starts off with someone stabbing himself in the eye and later has someone else try to remove their own eyes with their bare hands, the quieter bits are a bit of a relief.  

Put another shrimp on the bar-b, mate while I get another tinnie from me tucker bag.

HH scale of accurate titling: 9/10 - Title makes a lot of sense once you've seen the film.  

That's not a knife

Michaels Scale of t*ts OR war: 8/10 - See earlier comments about eye removal.  No visible uncovered norks.  

You can't expect a blind fella to catch his own kangaroo

Rowley Scale of Northern Thriftiness: 10/10 - it's on Netflix and as I've previously boasted, I get that free through my Sky glass subscription.  

Bowling Shane  

TSRRN-Q: "I woke up and Mia was, I don't know, sucking my feet."

She's a top sheila

Lovely stuff

The Killer

Tino memorial rating : 7and a bit - Man has bad day at work, and instead of accepting the reprimand he gets from work, decides to take it out on his co-workers instead. He also listens to the Smiths. A lot.

Thinking about it there is also a kind of John Wick motivation going on, only it's not a dog and involves wounding not death, which makes the following rampage harder to understand. I also suspect assassins must go to the same architect when they want to build a lair.

GSoE: 8/10 - Well made, well acted but repetitive and soulless

HH scale of accurate titling: 9/10 - He kills people. Loses a mark because he doesn't kill everyone

Michaels Scale of t*ts OR war: 9/10 - No tits. Plenty war  

Rowley Scale of Northern Thriftiness: 9/10 - it's on Netflix and limited release in cinemas, but we have already paid for Netflix  

TSRRN-Q: 'Anticipate, don't improvise. Trust no one'

Basic life advice right there. It gets repeated. A lot.

lostinwales wrote:The Killer

Tino memorial rating : 7and a bit - Man has bad day at work, and instead of accepting the reprimand he gets from work, decides to take it out on his co-workers instead. He also listens to the Smiths. A lot.

Thinking about it there is also a kind of John Wick motivation going on, only it's not a dog and involves wounding not death, which makes the following rampage harder to understand. I also suspect assassins must go to the same architect when they want to build a lair.

GSoE: 8/10 - Well made, well acted but repetitive and soulless

HH scale of accurate titling: 9/10 - He kills people. Loses a mark because he doesn't kill everyone

Michaels Scale of t*ts OR war: 9/10 - No tits. Plenty war  

Rowley Scale of Northern Thriftiness: 9/10 - it's on Netflix and limited release in cinemas, but we have already paid for Netflix  

TSRRN-Q: 'Anticipate, don't improvise. Trust no one'

Basic life advice right there. It gets repeated. A lot.

Wish I'd read this before watching it as it is a bit of a waste of time (the film, not the review), a nicely packaged vacuum.  Only redeeming feature is that Tilda Swinton gets killed.

Top review - annoying spoiler from Galted for those of us who were planning to watch it this weekend while Mrs Superfly is away.

superflyweight wrote:Top review - annoying spoiler from Galted for those of us who were planning to watch it this weekend while Mrs Superfly is away.

Might've been a spoiler if it wasn't so slow and predictable.  The only slight surprise was that he chose not to kill the client.

Your time this weekend would be better spent watching Barton Fink.

I think I saw that Dead Man's Shoes and Kill List are both on All4 right now. Both good (and decidedly f*ked up) films. Both more entertaining and both probably made for less than The Killer's catering budget.

Dead Man's Shoes is great - incredible performance from Paddy Considine.

superflyweight wrote:Dead Man's Shoes is great - incredible performance from Paddy Considine.  

That's a bit hypocritical of you.  Someone might've sat down to watch it wondering if Considine finally put in a sh*t performance and now the film's been ruined for them.

Galted wrote:

superflyweight wrote:Dead Man's Shoes is great - incredible performance from Paddy Considine.  

That's a bit hypocritical of you.  Someone might've sat down to watch it wondering if Considine finally put in a sh*t performance and now the film's been ruined for them.

It's a shame because they'd never found out that his brother was dead along and that he kills all of the people responsible.

Bruce Willis was dead all along.

rIck_dAgless wrote:Bruce Willis was dead all along.

Killed by his sledge.

Killers of the Flower Moon

Tino memorial rating : 8ish - Leonardo DiCaprio stuffs some cotton wool in his mouth and plays a stupid guy at least 25 years younger. De Niro doesn't stuff cotton wool in his mouth but plays a politician and gangster also at least 25 years younger. Both get completely upstaged by Lily Gladstone, a Native American actress who'll (unironically) probably never get a big screen role again and was probably paid loose change in comparison. A true story of oil money and corruption in post WW1 Oklahoma. It's very long.

GSoE: 9/10 - It's an amazing piece of work. It truly is. It is also astonishingly long.

HH scale of accurate titling: 7/10 - There are killers. Not entirely sure what the flower moon bit is but I guess they probably explain it at some point during the film's enormous length

Michaels Scale of t*ts OR war: 6/10 - No tits. Some very long lasting war

Rowley Scale of Northern Thriftiness: 8/10 - Big screen only so far. Did get a ticket discount on a company scheme but had to take a son with me. On the other hand if you price the film by the hour it's a pretty good deal.

TSRRN-Q: 'You gonna kill this indian?'


Just in case I forgot to mention, this film is really long.

Just watched a few last week or so ;

SISU - good and entertaining and some of it almost believable in a movie kind of way at first but gets far too silly by end.

Indiana Jones and Dial of Destiny - not a patch on Last Crusade(what is) but fun and Phoebe Waller-Bridge is good.

Equalizer 3 - meh

Dial of Destiny was an odd watch. Like a never ending, poorly choreographed chase scene with Star Wars prequels level dialogue interspersed. I enjoyed it more than Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Then again, my expectation were lower after that. The cast certainly had to salvage what they could from the script. The big set-pieces from Mangold aren't as good as Spielberg's but the stuff around them are on large a bit better than Crystal Skull.

Given the excellent team and cast it was pretty disappointing but not surprisingly so. Mangold was coming off the brilliant Logan and also very good Ford vs Ferrari. Ford, Waller-Bridge, Mads Mikkelson, Banderas, Holbrook, Toby Jones. Then John Rhys-Davies and Karen Allen returning. The pieces were there.

The Butterworth brothers have co-written screenplays for a few films I really enjoyed. David Koepp's more recent work has become a bit meh though, I've found a few more recent projects similarly stunted. Clearly he's a fantastic writer from his early adapted works. Jurassic Park alone solidifies that. Carlito's Way is a fantastic and somewhat forgotten film. The first Mission Impossible was also a film I enjoyed, though very different from the sequels in that it was a spy thriller rather than an action flick. The first Toby Maguire Spiderman is a really likable film. Then Toy Soldiers is a far from perfect film but one I've long had a soft spot for. Then came a lot of stuff with convoluted scripts and rubbish dialogue. Crystal Skill and Dial of Destiny. Angels & Demons, Inferno. The Mummy reboot. A whole lot of meh that felt rubbish for similar reasons.

Had Ke Huy Quan returned to acting slightly earlier then I feel it might have ended up being a simpler reunion movie with Indy, Short Round and Sallah on one final adventure complemented by the younger cast smattered in. By the time he returned they'd already had Spielberg step back from directing, rewritten a script, casted, etc though so just ploughed ahead with a stunted script, culminating in a bizarre final act. Bah, humbug.

The hate that Waller-Bridge has got online for, "ruining Indiana Jones", basically by a being a prominent female character that Indy doesn't f**k is depressing though. Crystal Skull was already s**t. It also seems many of the people who hate Waller-Bridge are under the impression the film was also written by her from some malicious man hating stance. When in fact she just played a poorly written part pretty well on the whole.

Wouldn’t say Waller-Bridge ruined the movie, but her character was pointless and it seemed her only purpose was to disrespect and belittle Indy. Writers write garbage these days, can it be the 90s again? If she’s getting hate online that’s a shame, I bet Labeuf got more but he is always deserving of it .

The Killer.
Simple plot but very artistic. I enjoyed it, but it’s getting somewhat panned.

Expendables 4.

Holy moly it was terrible. OK, pretty obvious the series not in Godfather class but first 1 or 2 were OK, watchable but this was diabolical.
CGI which was quite frankly about as bad as I can remember in a film, like REALLY bad. Think even Stallone realised how terrible the film was as he is barely in it.

Avoid.

Napoleon

Tino memorial rating : 0/10. I'm not dead.

GSoE: 8/10 - really, it's a bit sh*t. Visually impressive as you'd expect from Ridley Scott but the script is balls and the storyline is clunky. Joaquim Phoenix is pretty awful as well. Ranging between his (also sh*t) character in Signs and an angry Forrest Gump. On the plus side, the Battle of Austerlitz and Waterloo (spoiler, the French lose) are spectacular scenes but don't really compensate for the rest of the sh*te you've got to sit through. Should really score it 3/10 but it gets an additional 5 points for outraging the French and especially the French film critics. Well played, Scotty.

HH (Soul Requiem) scale of accurate titling: 10/10 - its called Napoleon and its about a chap called Napoleon. Bloody brilliant titling. No complaints.

Michaels Scale of t*ts OR war: 7/10 - a fair bit of sex, but no t*ts. The ladies appeared to all keep their clobber on back then. Sh*t loads of war though. Opening scene is someone having their noggin cut off and then loads of fighting after that.

Rowley Scale of Northern Thriftiness: 3/10 - not great. Went with one of the kids. 1 x pop, 1 x nachos, 1 x bag of counters and 1 x bag of giant buttons. £18.20. Cineworld, you thieving c*nts.

TSRRN-Q. Either 'no, no no. I am eating my breakfast' or 'you chose today to tell me this. The same day I find out my wife is a sl*t'

Mind the windows Tino. wrote:Napoleon

Tino memorial rating : 0/10. I'm not dead.

GSoE: 8/10 - really, it's a bit sh*t. Visually impressive as you'd expect from Ridley Scott but the script is balls and the storyline is clunky. Joaquim Phoenix is pretty awful as well. Ranging between his (also sh*t) character in Signs and an angry Forrest Gump. On the plus side, the Battle of Austerlitz and Waterloo (spoiler, the French lose) are spectacular scenes but don't really compensate for the rest of the sh*te you've got to sit through. Should really score it 3/10 but it gets an additional 5 points for outraging the French and especially the French film critics. Well played, Scotty.

HH (Soul Requiem) scale of accurate titling: 10/10 - its called Napoleon and its about a chap called Napoleon. Bloody brilliant titling. No complaints.

Michaels Scale of t*ts OR war: 7/10 - a fair bit of sex, but no t*ts. The ladies appeared to all keep their clobber on back then. Sh*t loads of war though. Opening scene is someone having their noggin cut off and then loads of fighting after that.

Rowley Scale of Northern Thriftiness: 3/10 - not great. Went with one of the kids. 1 x pop, 1 x nachos, 1 x bag of counters and 1 x bag of giant buttons. £18.20. Cineworld, you thieving c*nts.

TSRRN-Q. Either 'no, no no. I am eating my breakfast' or 'you chose today to tell me this. The same day I find out my wife is a sl*t'

Good stuff, Tino.

I vowed never to watch another film with 'Napoleon' in the title after being conned into watching Napoleon Dynamite some years ago and it seems that my decision has been vindicated.

It's no Barton Fink, G*lted.

It is possible we are going to see Napoleon, a film now selling itself on the controversy of its historical accuracy. One comment about it I liked is that it is hard to follow if you don't have any knowledge of the actual history and if you do you'll hate it.

Like most historical films then. History doesn't sell at the box office, but a glossed up version that takes liberties with the truth does.

Duty281 wrote:Like most historical films then. History doesn't sell at the box office, but a glossed up version that takes liberties with the truth does.

Nonsense. What about Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter?

Galted wrote:

Duty281 wrote:Like most historical films then. History doesn't sell at the box office, but a glossed up version that takes liberties with the truth does.

Nonsense.  What about Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter?

Good heavens, I thought you were joking. Then I googled it and there it was.

Will await Tino's review on this probable cinematic masterpiece before making further comment. It's on something called Disney+, Tino. Don't know how thrifty that is, but probably cheaper than Cineworld.

Tino memorial rating : 4.12539/10 – One of those watchable but pointless films which give themselves credence by loosely basing themselves on real-life events, but in which the fictitious part serves only to detract from what really happened.  Can’t think of any others at present but might edit this review when I do.  Centres around the friendship between the three main characters, which is supposed to be zany yet profound but just feels forced.  And Margot Robbie’s character, presumably meant to be charmingly quirky, is just f*cking annoying.  Have to say though that she’s far more doable as a brunette than a blonde.
Notable in that it’s the second Christian Bale film I’ve watched in a row in which he sports a glass eye (actually the fourth in a row but the last three were all The Big Short).  Carries it fairly well and I have to admit that, were I to make a film requiring someone to wear a glass eye, Bale should expect a call.  De Niro makes a surprise appearance (to me anyway seeing as I didn’t know he’d be in it) as the ubiquitous de Niro character.  Fortunately he acts his age, unlike the cringeworthy face-stomping scene in The Irishman.

GSoE: 4/10 – Nearly gave up an hour in when I checked how much time was left and saw that it was 2 hours and 14 minutes.  Reluctantly agreed to continue watching when the missus pointed out that the 2:14 referred to the entire running time and not the time remaining.

HH scale of accurate titling: 3/10 – Part of it takes place in Amsterdam but could’ve been anywhere really.  May as well have called it Tooting Bec or Runcorn.

Michaels Scale of t*ts OR war: 6/10 - No tits. A bit of war but not very much, even though part of it takes place during the First World War.  Does include a fair amount of war injuries.  Perhaps the pointlessness of this film refers to the pointless of war, probably not.

Rowley Scale of Northern Thriftiness: 6/10 – Rakuten voucher, which is paid for with some form of points.  Was forced to watch it within 48 hours of starting so not free in the way Men of the North would be content with, but certainly free in the Southern sense of the word, ie change out of a fifty.

TSRRN-Q: ‘I've done two autopsies my whole life, one to prove I didn't leave a clamp on someone's small intestine and the other to remove a clamp I did leave on someone's small intestine.'

Tilda Swinton Manner of Death: n/a

Great review, G*lted.

What film is it?

Duty281 wrote:

Galted wrote:

Duty281 wrote:Like most historical films then. History doesn't sell at the box office, but a glossed up version that takes liberties with the truth does.

Nonsense.  What about Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter?

Good heavens, I thought you were joking. Then I googled it and there it was.

Will await Tino's review on this probable cinematic masterpiece before making further comment. It's on something called Disney+, Tino. Don't know how thrifty that is, but probably cheaper than Cineworld.

We do have Disney+, Dooty. I watched Welcome to Wrexham on it which I thoroughly enjoyed. I could do a review of each episode but I think there are 24 over 2 series which is just too much writing.

Would score 5/10 on the HH scale of Accurate Titling.

Mind the windows Tino. wrote:Great review, G*lted.

What film is it?

L*l out loud. Amsterdam, but could’ve been anywhere really. May as well have called it Tooting Bec or Runcorn.

Galted wrote:

Mind the windows Tino. wrote:Great review, G*lted.

What film is it?

L*l out loud.  Amsterdam, but could’ve been anywhere really.  May as well have called it Tooting Bec or Runcorn.

Yeah, Runcorn and Amsterdam are pretty similar. Both have a canal and plenty of drugs.

Robin Hood - Prince of Thieves

Tino memorial rating : 7.271. It's entertaining enough in a silly way and if you don't enjoy the story then just sit back and admire Costner's mullet in all its glory.  

GSoE: 7/10 - it's the Robin Hood story so they'll struggle to make a bad film out of it - although Ridley Scott managed it with a fair amount of distinction.  Costner has a go at some kind of accent but who knows what he was aiming for and then he gives up half way through.  Morgan Freeman solves racism by helping out during a complicated child birth procedure in which a woman called Fanny struggles to get a baby out of her fanny.  Rickman gets a lot of praise for his performance but it's a bit hammy and it's not half as funny as he thinks it is.  The film loses marks for me during the bit where the outlaws form some kind of anarcho-syndicalist commune and Robin (who is an educated man and should know better) encourages them to adopt a system of arable farming in the middle of Sherwood Forest.  Good luck growing crops in that environment you silly b@stards - you'll be dead of starvation by Michaelmas.  

HH scale of accurate titling: 6/10 - his real name is Robin of Locksley and Robin Hood is a nickname.  He's also not a prince.  He is a thief though and he should have been hanged according to the laws of the time.  

Michaels Scale of t*ts OR war: 5/10 - no sex unless you count the bit where Rickman tried to r*** Marian during their wedding ceremony in front of the Bishop and that old witch woman who later hilariously gets tossed through the air by Morgan Freeman. You do see Costner's bum but it's from quite far away and it's not on screen long enough to form any real opinions on it.  Some war, but it's PG war.

Rowley Scale of Northern Thriftiness: 10/10 - it's on Netflix and as I've repeatedly boasted, I get that free through my Sky glass subscription.  

TSRRN-Q: ignoring the often repeated quotes from the Sheriff and going for "I've never seen the breasts of a noble woman."

"USS Christmas"

Tino memorial rating : 9.1/10. Uses the full power of the patented Hallmark Christmas Formula to pull you unashamedly in to a tale of festive romance. Christmas+Love=Winner by my calculations.  

GSoE: 9.2/10 - Hard to go wrong when you're using the tried and trusted plot of dozens of other Hallmark Christmas TV movies, and when you feature the acting talents of Hallmark Christmas TV movie stalwart Jennifer Lilley and Hallmark Christmas TV movie stalwart Trevor Donovan. Will they/won't they - obviously they will, because Christmas magic is in the air, along with artificial snow. Not forgetting about the sub-plot with the old folks who also ended up together despite the obstacle of his being a PoW in 'Nam for 7 years - gritty stuff.

HH scale of accurate titling: 5/10 - It takes place on the USS Polaris, but they're ashore by Christmas Eve. Should have been called "USS Polaris in the run-up to Christmas".

Michaels Scale of t*ts OR war: 1/10 - A few fighter jets take off from the Polaris, but only on training flights. No sex but they kiss at the end. No tongues though.

Rowley Scale of Northern Thriftiness: 10/10 - free on Great! Christmas Movies.

TSRRN-Q: Can't really recall any, but pretty sure someone will have said "C'mon...it's Christmas!".

Good review of what sounds like a sh*t film, Jules.

Particularly liked the HH and Michaels ratings.

Also enjoyed the excessive use of 'Hallmark'. Can safely say I've never read that word so many times before.

JuliusHMarx wrote:

HH scale of accurate titling: 5/10 - It takes place on the USS Polaris, but they're ashore by Christmas Eve. Should have been called "USS Polaris in the run-up to Christmas".

Sounds like a solid 3, no more.

Soul Requiem wrote:

JuliusHMarx wrote:

HH scale of accurate titling: 5/10 - It takes place on the USS Polaris, but they're ashore by Christmas Eve. Should have been called "USS Polaris in the run-up to Christmas".

Sounds like a solid 3, no more.

Platoon

Tino memorial rating : 0/10. I'm not dead.

GSoE: 9.7658/10. Decided to revisit a classic with one of my boys. What a film. Brilliantly crafted and emotionally challenging. Superb direction and some great performances. Berenger is ludicrously good as Barnes and Defoe is excellent as Elias. I don't know about battling for Taylor's soul, they were battling for mine. A lovely turn from the always watchable John C McGinley as O'Neil. The film never drifts into sentimentality and lays bare the horror and futility of war. Even Charlie Sheen is really good. Before the drugs, prostitutes and STI's ruined him. Isn't the first time and won't the last time I watch this film. Great stuff.

HH scale of accurate titling: 8/10. Its about a platoon but could have been any old platoon so loses a few marks for that. Pretty strong titling though.

Michaels Scale of t*ts OR war: 10/10. I'm going full marks here. It's set in a war and there is lots of war stuff. Battles, villages being destroyed, ambushes. Hands beng blown off, people being shot. Grenades, tanks, air strikes. What more do you want. Also lots of t*ts. All of them men but come on, jeez. It's 2023. A melting pot.

Rowley Scale of Northern Thriftiness: 8/10. We have Amazon Prime because I am absolutely winning at life.

TSRRN-Q: 'when the machine breaks down, we break down. And I ain't gonna allow that' (has to be read in an American accent) or 'Elias is a water walker. Like them politicians. Trying to fight this war with one hand tied around their balls'.

Tilda Swinton Manner of Death: n/a

Mind the windows Tino. wrote:Platoon

Tino memorial rating : 0/10. I'm not dead.

GSoE: 9.7658/10. Decided to revisit a classic with one of my boys. What a film. Brilliantly crafted and emotionally challenging. Superb direction and some great performances. Berenger is ludicrously good as Barnes and Defoe is excellent as Elias. I don't know about battling for Taylor's soul, they were battling for mine. A lovely turn from the always watchable John C McGinley as O'Neil. The film never drifts into sentimentality and lays bare the horror and futility of war. Even Charlie Sheen is really good. Before the drugs, prostitutes and STI's ruined him. Isn't the first time and won't the last time I watch this film. Great stuff.

HH scale of accurate titling: 8/10. Its about a platoon but could have been any old platoon so loses a few marks for that. Pretty strong titling though.

Michaels Scale of t*ts OR war: 10/10. I'm going full marks here. It's set in a war and there is lots of war stuff. Battles, villages being destroyed, ambushes. Hands beng blown off, people being shot. Grenades, tanks, air strikes. What more do you want. Also lots of t*ts. All of them men but come on, jeez. It's 2023. A melting pot.

Rowley Scale of Northern Thriftiness: 8/10. We have Amazon Prime because I am absolutely winning at life.

TSRRN-Q: 'when the machine breaks down, we break down. And I ain't gonna allow that' (has to be read in an American accent) or 'Elias is a water walker. Like them politicians. Trying to fight this war with one hand tied around their balls'.

Tilda Swinton Manner of Death: n/a

One of the better war movies but I find the scene where Barnes kills Elias overblown, should've been a shock to the viewer rather than 20 minutes of slow-motion melodrama.

I like the bit about winning at life, and because of it will make the bold claim that this review is better than the film.

I've got Amazon Prime and Disney+, Galted.

Just didn't want to show off like Superfly.

It's a lovely review and no mistake. The bit about the melting pot brought a tear to my eye. I don't care for the follow up dig at me, but I'm willing to overlook it on this occasion because I also revel in the quality output prepared by Apple TV and my heart is full of joy.

Mind the windows Tino. wrote:I've got Amazon Prime and Disney+, Galted.

Just didn't want to show off like Superfly.

Have Prime but not Disney, which is annoying when searching for something like the Disney version of Robin Hood to shut my kid up for a few minutes before he decides it's crap.

Nativity as performed by Christchurch Primary School

Tino memorial rating : 0/10
He’s probably not dead.

GSoE: 2.14137/10
Dreadful stuff.  Poor acting, barely choreographed dancing, out of tune singing, story made no sense.  Smaller kids kept trying to get to their parents in the audience, one of whom burst into tears when her mother rightfully told her to f*ck off back into the production.  Baby Jesus was blatantly a doll.  There was one reasonably good song, about how much the stable stank, which was the only one in which the kids sang with any enthusiasm.
To make matters worse I was stuck in the front row, about 2 feet from the reception class, so had to crane my neck to the far side of the stage to avoid any yew tree inferences from extended eye contact.  The little f*ckers seemed to pick up on this and stared me down like it was a pre-fight press conference.
The production does earn a point for Sofia being escorted off stage for singing her own songs, and another for my own kid rolling his eyes and complaining more loudly than any of the actual dialogue when his class had to stand to sing the second of their two songs.

HH scale of accurate titling: 4/10
Didn’t actually show the birth, but it was hinted at.

Michaels Scale of t*ts OR war: 0/10
F*ck all, on top of which I attended the afternoon performance when all the rough as f*ck mums had woken up and made their way so couldn’t do any ogling in case I got beaten.

Rowley Scale of Northern Thriftiness: 4/10.
Free, but even then I’d have to question the value for money.

TSRRN-Q: The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy My brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay My vengeance upon you.

Tilda Swinton Manner of Death: n/a

Outstanding work G-Dog.

superflyweight wrote:Outstanding work G-Dog.  

Cheers, Super. I took much care avoiding spoilers this time round, apart from the Tilda Swinton bit.

Wonderful stuff, G*lted. I'll probably not bother going as your review doesn't really sell it to me and I don't have a kid at that school which would be a bit Unai Emery of me. I'd be happy for phone numbers for any of the 'rough as f*ck' mums though.

Interesting use of Pulp Fiction at the end.

You just want to see a 5 year old use that speech

Mind the windows Tino. wrote:Wonderful stuff, G*lted. I'll probably not bother going as your review doesn't really sell it to me and I don't have a kid at that school which would be a bit Unai Emery of me. I'd be happy for phone numbers for any of the 'rough as f*ck' mums though.

Interesting use of Pulp Fiction at the end.

Quotes were a bit difficult as I couldn't hear f*ck all due to the 'actors' whispering their lines, but as it was a bible story it probably included Ezekiel 25:17. The headmistress had an absolute zinger at the end, something like "I'd like to thank all the children for putting on this wonderful play", wasn't sure if I should include it as she wasn't, strictly speaking, part of the production.

lostinwales wrote:You just want to see a 5 year old use that speech

There are twin girls in his class who could carry it off no problem.  I would imagine they're exactly how the Kray twins behaved in primary school.

Galted wrote:Nativity as performed by Christchurch Primary School

Tino memorial rating : 0/10
He’s probably not dead.

GSoE: 2.14137/10
Dreadful stuff.  Poor acting, barely choreographed dancing, out of tune singing, story made no sense.  Smaller kids kept trying to get to their parents in the audience, one of whom burst into tears when her mother rightfully told her to f*ck off back into the production.  Baby Jesus was blatantly a doll.  There was one reasonably good song, about how much the stable stank, which was the only one in which the kids sang with any enthusiasm.
To make matters worse I was stuck in the front row, about 2 feet from the reception class, so had to crane my neck to the far side of the stage to avoid any yew tree inferences from extended eye contact.  The little f*ckers seemed to pick up on this and stared me down like it was a pre-fight press conference.
The production does earn a point for Sofia being escorted off stage for singing her own songs, and another for my own kid rolling his eyes and complaining more loudly than any of the actual dialogue when his class had to stand to sing the second of their two songs.

HH scale of accurate titling: 4/10
Didn’t actually show the birth, but it was hinted at.

Michaels Scale of t*ts OR war: 0/10
F*ck all, on top of which I attended the afternoon performance when all the rough as f*ck mums had woken up and made their way so couldn’t do any ogling in case I got beaten.

Rowley Scale of Northern Thriftiness: 4/10.
Free, but even then I’d have to question the value for money.

TSRRN-Q: The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy My brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay My vengeance upon you.

Tilda Swinton Manner of Death: n/a

This isn't actually a film though.

lostinwales wrote:

Galted wrote:Nativity as performed by Christchurch Primary School

Tino memorial rating : 0/10
He’s probably not dead.

GSoE: 2.14137/10
Dreadful stuff.  Poor acting, barely choreographed dancing, out of tune singing, story made no sense.  Smaller kids kept trying to get to their parents in the audience, one of whom burst into tears when her mother rightfully told her to f*ck off back into the production.  Baby Jesus was blatantly a doll.  There was one reasonably good song, about how much the stable stank, which was the only one in which the kids sang with any enthusiasm.
To make matters worse I was stuck in the front row, about 2 feet from the reception class, so had to crane my neck to the far side of the stage to avoid any yew tree inferences from extended eye contact.  The little f*ckers seemed to pick up on this and stared me down like it was a pre-fight press conference.
The production does earn a point for Sofia being escorted off stage for singing her own songs, and another for my own kid rolling his eyes and complaining more loudly than any of the actual dialogue when his class had to stand to sing the second of their two songs.

HH scale of accurate titling: 4/10
Didn’t actually show the birth, but it was hinted at.

Michaels Scale of t*ts OR war: 0/10
F*ck all, on top of which I attended the afternoon performance when all the rough as f*ck mums had woken up and made their way so couldn’t do any ogling in case I got beaten.

Rowley Scale of Northern Thriftiness: 4/10.
Free, but even then I’d have to question the value for money.

TSRRN-Q: The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy My brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay My vengeance upon you.

Tilda Swinton Manner of Death: n/a

This isn't actually a film though.

New category: the "LiW is it a film?"

He isn't even lost in Wales though so he can give his f*cking head a wobble.