Random Thoughts.....

The following contains spoilers for Bound for Glory so if you don’t want to know the scores look away now.........


The ‘Wrestling Machine’ Jim Ross picked up a HUGE win on Monday Night RAW this week. Utilising his scintillating catch-as-catch-can skills, he took down that evil Commie barsteward Michael Cole and ankle locked him all the way to hell! As a result of this MONUMENTAL victory – the biggest in WWE history – Good Ol’ JR’s partner for the night, the Immortal All American American American American Real American John Cena got to choose the stipulation for his WWE title match at Vengeance with that evil Commie barsteward Alberto Del Rio. He chose a Last Man Standing match.

I’m predicting that Dear John won’t win the match, but of course he’ll be protected by Vince in order to maintain the Super Cena image. So I reckon that at Vengeance, Cena will have AA’d Del Rio all the way to hell before he’s attacked by the Miz, R-Truth, Dolph Ziggler, Jack Swagger, Cody Rhodes, Christian, David Otunga, Wade Barrett, the Bellas, Muhammad Hassan, Nikolai Volkoff, Boris Zukoff, Krusher Khruschev, The Iron Sheik, Fritz Von Erich, Yokozuna, Japanese Crush, Mr Fuji, The Orient Express, KWANG!, Iraqi Sergeant Slaughter, Colonel Mustafa, General Adnan, Nikita Koloff, Ivan Koloff, Boris Karloff, Bela Lugosi and Christopher Lee who will then lock him in the boot of Alberto Del Rio’s car, rendering Cena unable to answer the 10 count.

Mark it down.


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Triple H apparently had visa issues on RAW. In his mind, that means he’s just put over the whole of Mexico. Therefore in the rematch he’ll hit Mexico with the sledgehammer, Pedigree it once then wait 3 days before making the cover and getting the pinfall. Just for good measure he’s burying Guatemala, Honduras and Panama afterwards to make sure EVERYBODY knows who is the Game-uhh.


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Heath Slater has failed a wellness test. I’m guessing it wasn’t for steroids – if it was he must be peed at his supplier – so the only plausible explanation is that Vagisil contains a banned substance. Now that he’s got 30 days to himself, I think he should spend the time coming up with a new gimmick because the One Man Rock Band ain’t working. The obvious choice is for him to be Dolph Ziggler’s new arm candy, given their previous association in Boogie Nights. If it leads to an appearance by Reed Rothchild then I’m all for it.


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Want to know how Vince McMahon is planning on getting his WWE champion Alberto Del Rio over? He’s repackaging him as Alberto Del Boy Trotter. From now on he’ll make his entrance in a yellow Reliant Robin, sporting a sheepskin coat and loud jewellery. His catchphrases will be:

“Ricardo! Joo plonker!”

and

“Theese time next jear, we weel be meelionaires Ricardo! Eet ees our DESTINY!”

It’s foolproof.


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Idea for the Diva’s division – Roman Gladiator style trapdoors in the ring that open at random intervals to release a rabid lion or tiger or wolverine (on second thought better not release the Rabid Wolverine). Imagine the excitement / tension / hilarity with Jim Ross on commentary: “Alicia Fox, former defensive end at the University of Waxahachie with a standing side headlock on Eve.....OOP! BAH GAWD HERE COMES THE LION! THE LION! THE LION! STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD! AND THERE GOES EVE’S ARM! GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY LOOK AT THE CARNAGE! SOMEBODY CALL THE EMT’S! EVE’S BEEN BUSTED WIDE OPEN! HOW DO YOU LEARN TO GET YOUR ARM CHEWED OFF BY A 20 FOOT LION, KING? LION KING! SIMBA! HAKUNA MATATA BAH GAWD! THAT THING MUST WEIGH 85,000 POUNDS! THE LION IS GNAWING ON EVE’S ARM! AND HE AIN’T BROUGHT NO BARBECUE SAUCE! BAH GAWD KING THAT AIN’T RIGHT! HOW IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT’S HOLY CAN YOU EAT MEAT WITH NO BARBECUE SAUCE? DAMMIT KING! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!”

Book it now.


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Speaking of the Divas, after Brie and Nikki turned heel should they not have changed their surname to Jezebella? It’s in keeping with the Jim Ross school of thinking that all female heels are Jezebels or She-Devils or Evil Fascist Bitches Who Take Your Money But Don’t Suck Your......whaddaya mean he never used that last one?!? Could have sworn he said it about Lita.


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The Rock makes his in-ring return at the Survivor Series. There are rumours aplenty that Stone Cold Steve Austin, Mick Foley and Chris Jericho will come back at or around the same time. I’m not too bothered about WWE bringing back from stars from the Attitude Era, as long as they afford the New Generation era the same treatment. I mean who doesn’t want to see such luminaries as TL Hopper, ‘The Portuguese Man O War’ Aldo Montoya and Alex ‘The Pug’ Porteau competing again? They could easily market Aldo Montoya yellow jockstrap masks to kids. They’d sell in their billions. Step aside Rey Mysterio & Sin Cara, there’s a new/old masked sensation in town. Some would say he’s just incredible.


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Mil Mascaras will be inducted into the Hall of Fame next year. I hope he takes the Sin Cara approach for his acceptance speech and it consists of finger pointing, shaking his fist and the occasional nod or shake of his head. I can’t wait for when the camera pans to all the wrestlers sitting in the crowd for their reactions. I’m betting that Mark Henry will be laughing uncontrollably when Mascaras is slowly shaking his head, obviously signifying the death of his mother, and Big Show will be an emotional wreck as Mascaras makes gestures towards his feet, showing how he laces up his boots. It’ll be the greatest induction of ALL TIMES!


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Linda McMahon is running for the Senate again next year. They should just let her loose with a live microphone and allow her promo skills and electrifying charisma to get the voters on her side. John Laurinaitis could be her running mate. In CM Punk’s hands, a microphone is a pipe bomb. In Linda McMahon’s hands it’s a nuclear warhead with knives and sharks sticking out of it. I predict a landslide victory for Linda; she’ll win 101% of the vote, with there being a 1% margin of error.


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Remember all those times that Shawn Michaels relinquished a title for whatever reason? There was the Tag Team title that he gave up because he felt him and Diesel shouldn’t be beaten for them. Then there was the Intercontinental title that he gave up after being smacked around by a few Marines. And of course the infamous case of him handing over the WWF title after he ‘lost his smile’ (I found it, but I’m not giving it back HA!). Well, I think that should become someone’s gimmick – the guy who hands back titles without losing them in the ring. Imagine what it could do for an up and comer like Alex Riley? He could win the Intercontinental title then hand it back because the colour doesn’t match his tights. The Tag titles could be handed back because his horse is sick and he thinks it might die. Then he could win the WWE Championship and give it up because he believes there’s a gypsy curse on it that will cause his testicles to shrivel, his house to be repossessed and his first born to be struck down with ginger hair.

Relinquishamania is running wild! WHATCHA GONNA DO WHEN ALEX RILEY HANDS THE TITLE BACK TO YOU?!?

Friggin’ epic.


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Stacy Keibler and George Clooney have announced they’re an item. Now what in the hell does George Clooney have that David Flair doesn’t? To be fair, George Clooney’s old man probably won’t be running around in his boxers, cutting himself open, elbow dropping cream sports jackets, riding an out of control wheelchair then trying to mack on her when Stacy goes to meet him. But I’m just guessing on that one.


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Bobby Roode’s boyhood dream didn’t come true at Bound for Glory, as he was hellaciously, heinously, Heidenreichly robbed of the TNA World title. I haven’t been this let down by a wrestling storyline since Trevor Murdoch’s singing gimmick was scrapped. If I were Roode I’d get the hell out of TNA and over to WWE. Sure, they’ll change his name to Rudy Bobby and give him a tap dancing gimmick but it’s got to be better than his current career prospects in TNA, which probably consist of him reforming Team Canada with Eric Young, Hernandez and Winter.


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So Sting won control of TNA at Bound for Glory. I’m assuming this means he’ll hand the company back over to ‘The Charismatic Enigma’ Dixie Carter. Knowing how TNA works, Dixie will then become the newest member of Immortal and the biggest heel in the history of our great sport because NO-ONE SAW IT COMING! Hey, it’s only wrestling.


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Hulk Hogan is once again a babyface, but other than Satan herself Dixie Carter, there’s no-one in TNA who’s believable enough to oppose him as a heel. There is though one wrestler walking the face of the earth who could be convincing enough to take on Hogan. I’m calling it right now; the return of the YET-AY! The YET-AY! is the only one who came close to killing Hulkamania, so expect more bumming of Hogan’s leathery hindquarters as Mike Tenay comments that it’s the biggest threat that Hulkamania has ever known. IMPACT! will finally become watchable.


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Matt Hardy wants to open up a wrestling school once he’s finished his stint in rehab. Anyone who enrols will instantly be more over than he is. To be honest I can’t see anybody wanting to be taught by Matt Hardy, so I’m guessing his classes will be him wearing just his pants on his trampoline at home teaching a bunch of blow-up dolls how to take bumps. Matt should put on shows like he did with Jeff when they were kids, taping them all with a cheap video camera. Maybe there are people out there who would want to see Matt Hardy under various gimmicks doing jobs to blow-up dolls. Actually, the new Trampoline Wrestling Federation would have to close down after the first taping, as TNA would sign all the dolls to multi-year contracts.


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You know how stuff like Yakult is supposed to have ‘good bacteria’ to combat any ‘bad bacteria’ in your gut? Do you reckon there’s ever been a case of a ‘good bacteria’ turning heel? GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY! IT WAS A SET UP ALL ALONG!

BAH GAWD HERE COMES THE LION! THE LION! THE LION! STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD! AND THERE GOES EVE’S ARM! GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY LOOK AT THE CARNAGE! SOMEBODY CALL THE EMT’S! EVE’S BEEN BUSTED WIDE OPEN! HOW DO YOU LEARN TO GET YOUR ARM CHEWED OFF BY A 20 FOOT LION, KING? LION KING! SIMBA! HAKUNA MATATA BAH GAWD! THAT THING MUST WEIGH 85,000 POUNDS! THE LION IS GNAWING ON EVE’S ARM! AND HE AIN’T BROUGHT NO BARBECUE SAUCE! BAH GAWD KING THAT AIN’T RIGHT! HOW IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT’S HOLY CAN YOU EAT MEAT WITH NO BARBECUE SAUCE? DAMMIT KING! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!”

Y2, I freekin love you man!

Want to know how Vince McMahon is planning on getting his WWE champion Alberto Del Rio over? He’s repackaging him as Alberto Del Boy Trotter. From now on he’ll make his entrance in a yellow Reliant Robin, sporting a sheepskin coat and loud jewellery. His catchphrases will be:

“Ricardo! Joo plonker!”

and

“Theese time next jear, we weel be meelionaires Ricardo! Eet ees our DESTINY!”

It’s foolproof.

Made me laugh out loud. I can actually hear him saying "joo plonker" in my head.

that was brilliant. so funny

I love you more man, send this to Power Slam, you should be paid for your freaking scarey outlook

I was reading that whilst feeding my daughter. I had to hand her over to my missus cos I was laughing so much. Thanks for giving me a good laugh, the Jim Ross Gladiator commentary was hilarious. I could actually hear him saying it!

theundisputedY2D2 wrote:Want to know how Vince McMahon is planning on getting his WWE champion Alberto Del Rio over? He’s repackaging him as Alberto Del Boy Trotter. From now on he’ll make his entrance in a yellow Reliant Robin, sporting a sheepskin coat and loud jewellery. His catchphrases will be:

“Ricardo! Joo plonker!”

and

“Theese time next jear, we weel be meelionaires Ricardo! Eet ees our DESTINY!”

It’s foolproof.

Please cast Alberto's uncle Mil Mascaras as Uncle Albert!

Defo get it sent to powerslam! Quality

Alberto Del Rio NEEDS that gimmick change! I would instantly become a fan then!

Highlights:

I haven’t been this let down by a wrestling storyline since Trevor Murdoch’s singing gimmick was scrapped.

Relinquishamania is running wild! WHATCHA GONNA DO WHEN ALEX RILEY HANDS THE TITLE BACK TO YOU?!?

I predict a landslide victory for Linda; she’ll win 101% of the vote, with there being a 1% margin of error.

Brilliant stuff!!!

“Theese time next jear, we weel be meelionaires Ricardo! Eet ees our DESTINY!”

I heard Speedy Gonzales saying this in my head...it was either him or Alan Davies doing his Mexican accent.


Have you thought about a career as a comedy scriptwriter, undisputed? This stuff's brilliant!

"WHATCHA GONNA DO WHEN ALEX RILEY HANDS THE TITLE BACK TO YOU"

That is stuff Legends are made of

theundisputedY2D2 wrote:Dixie will then become the newest member of Immortal and the biggest heel in the history of our great sport because NO-ONE SAW IT COMING! Hey, it’s only wrestling.

Am I the only one who can see this coming? Especially the way TNA has been recently.

You're not the only one, someone already typed it

This is brilliant stuff. Echo the comments that you should look to get it published. info@psmag.co.uk might be a start!