Random Thoughts.....

The following ‘Random Thoughts’ is brought to you in association with the LIVE episode of Smackdown. Or to give the show its full title – The LIVE Smackdown aka The Worst of RAW aka All The Crappy Bits Written for RAW That We Couldn’t Fit Into Monday Night.


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The match for the championship of the WWE at the TLC PPV which will then come out on DVD has been made official: CM Punk defends his title against the Miz and Alberto Del Rio. Conspicuous by his absence – for now at least – is a certain Mr. John Felix Anthony Cena (I’ve never heard of him either) but we’ll get to that later.

During their little confab in the ring, the Miz said that he took out two of his friends – R-Truth and John Morrison. Which begs the question:

Why in God’s name would you admit to being JoMo’s friend?


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Jumpin’ John Cena wilfully gave up his WWE title shot at TLC so that Zack Ryder could face Dolph Ziggler for the US title instead. On the surface, it looks like WWE shamelessly trying to present Cena as an all round good egg, one who will help out the little guy even if it comes at personal cost. Golly gee that John Cena’s a swell guy huh?

If you dig a little deeper though it could all be part of the Cena heel turn, a sort of “I went so far as to give up a WWE title match so that twonk Zack Ryder would get a US title shot and still you people booed me!” Even so it’s a bit of head scratcher because IF Cena turns heel at/around Wrestlemania 28 does he really need that to fall back on? I’d have thought if Jumpin’ John were to brutally assault the Rock during/after their match then cut an über heelish promo on the fans the next night then that would be job done.

I mean is Vince McMahon really sitting there thinking: “Okay, we’ve got Cena breaking every bone in the Rock’s body at Wrestlemania then sh*tting on the fans in his promo the next night on RAW. But we need something more..........”?

Actually given Vince’s track record of turning a sure-fire hit into sure-fire sh*t, yeah he probably is.


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YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! The dream match has been signed! The biggest bout in the history of our great sport! Bigger than the Super Bowl! Bigger than the Olympics! Bigger than the World Cup! Bigger than Extreme Ironing World Championships!

Triple H.

Kevin Nash.

Ladder match.

Sledgehammer above the ring.

I repeat: Triple H. Kevin Nash. A Goddamn Ladder match. A Goddamn sledgehammer above the Goddamn ring. Godammit!

I really hope it’s Hornswoggle’s ladder they use. Just imagine Kevin Nash ascending the rungs of a 2 foot stepladder whilst Jim Ross is yelling “GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY! GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY! NASH IS CLIMBING! NASH IS CLIMBING! THE STRAIN ON HIS QUADS MUST BE UNBEARABLE! HOW DO YOU LEARN TO FALL OFF A 2 FOOT LADDER, KING?! I MEAN A 200 FOOT LADDER! NASH IS UP IN THE HEAVENS BAH GAWD! GO ON! CLIMB KEVIN! MAKE A NAME FOR YOURSELF KID! HE’S BEEN CLIMBING FOR 15 MINUTES NOW! AND TRIPLE H IS STILL DOWN! WAIT! THE GAME IS BACK ON HIS FEET! HOW IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT’S HOLY IS HE STANDING?! HE’S TRYING TO PUSH THE LADDER OVER! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! OH MY GAWD IN HEAVEN! KEVIN NASH HAS CRASHED TO THE CANVAS! HE’S CRASHED AND BURNED! HE WAS PRACTICALLY UP IN THE RING LIGHTS! NASH IS DEAD! NASH IS DEAD! NASH IS DEAD! WAIT! HE’S BREATHING! HE’S MOVING! HE’S ALIVE! HE’S ALIVE! GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY NASH IS ALIVE! WHAT A DAMN MATCH KING! KING! KING? WHERE ARE YOU GOING JERRY? GET BACK HERE AND START LOVING THIS DAMN MATCH! DAMN YOU JERRY! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!”

It’ll be something to behold.


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Beth Phoenix and Natalya are STILL feuding with Eve Torres, Kelly Kelly and (sometimes) Alicia Fox. It just goes to show what a dire state the Diva’s division is in. I mean how long have they been involved together now?

I think this feud has lasted longer than Tommy Dreamer versus Raven in ECW.


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Daniel Bryan Danielson failed in his quest to wrest the World Heavyweight Championship away from Mark Henry on the LIVE Smackdown. Who’s the best in the world now Danielson huh? HUH?! Oh yeah it’s CM Punk, cos it says so on his t-shirt. Anyway that’s beside the point, as ‘Big Sexy Hair’ Kevin Nash once said to Bret Hart; “Just because you’ve got an iron-on that says you’re the best, don’t make you the best”.

Not only is Mark Henry ‘The World’s Strongest Man’, he’s now ‘The World’s Bestest Man’. Stick that on t-shirts, lunchboxes, duvet covers and slippers and you’ll make millions.


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Booker T and Cody Rhodes took another step forward in their feud, with the son of the son of a plumber taking out ‘The Book’ prior to their match, which had been arranged earlier on the LIVE Smackdown. The WWE creative team are also looking to have Cody eventually face off with his big brother Goldust.

The most obvious way to do this is to have Cody turn his back on the United States of America. He could then band together with Wade Barrett, Tyson Kidd, Jinder Mahal and Layla to reform the Un-Americans. Booker T would of course take exception to a bunch of Commies running around with an upside down American flag, and he’d call in back-up, prompting the return of the greatest tag team of ALL TIMES – BookerDust!

Look out for Goldust reprising his classic Darth Vader/Big Show skit, only this time with Cody:

“Cody. I am your father!”

“No. You’re my brother”.

“How did you?............Dammit!”

~Enter Dusty Rhodes~

“Whut-th goin’ awn in hee-uh? Now Co-day, Gold-Dutht might not be yo fath-uh, but da Ameh-ican Dweem, da bulla da wood-th ITH yo daddy! Tho th-top all thith Un-Ameh-ican non-thenth dat be goin’ awn and th-tart lovin’ da United Thtate-th again! And cut yo hair!”

That ought to do it.


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Hornswoggle can talk! Thanks to Mighty Mick Foley, the Lil B*stard has developed the power of speech, and he went promotastic in a backstage segment on the LIVE Smackdown. So they’ve totally gone and killed the Hornswoggle gimmick. I’m predicting that one of two things will happen; Hornswoggle will carry on talking and get released sharpish OR they’ll act like nothing happened and he’ll continue to be a mute midget. Or a dumb dwarf. Or a silent short person.

Never mind that though, my question is: where the hell was Mick Foley to dish out the ability to cut promos when John Morrison needed him?!?


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Speaking of the LIVE Smackdown – it was godawful. As Stone Cold Steve Austin memorably once said to the Rock; “You gotta ask yourself; is it live or is it Memorex?”

In the case of future episodes of Smackdown, please God let it be Memorex.


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Idea for the Diva’s division – They need their own ‘Piper’s Pit’ style talk show segment. There’s nothing more entertaining than watching one of the WWE Divas trying to get to grips with a microphone, which is odd because they have no trouble getting to grips with similar shaped objects.

A Diva trying to cut a promo is akin to watching a duck trying to walk on ice – p*ss yourself laughing funny. And that’s when they have a script to follow. In order for this idea to truly work it would all have to be ad-libbed.

If WWE were to press ahead with this idea it would be hilarious and disturbing in equal measure – like a baby with a machete.


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WWE should bring back those motorised carts they used in the late 80’s to bring wrestlers to the ring. Who wants to see John Cena running down the aisle when they could see him being transported by a vehicle dressed up as a wrestling ring?

And for added hilarity, the cart of any of the wrestlers who’ve been done for DUI (Ted Dibiase, Alex Riley, Jimmy Uso) should veer wildly from left to right as it comes down the aisle before crashing into one of the crowd barricades.

If WWE do that it’ll be the biggest thing to happen to the business since Hulk Hogan invented tag team wrestling.


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Remember when Shawn Michaels was gunning for the WWF title at Wrestlemania 12 and they did all those training vignettes and introduced us to his trainer Jose Lothario? What was up with his nickname?

I mean ‘Super Sock’. What the hell? Was his nickname originally ‘Super Socks’ due to the fact he had a particularly fantastic pair of socks, but he ended up losing one? Did he feud with guys nicknamed ‘Awesome Pants’ and ‘Fabulous Vest’?

I like to think he did.


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Those interviews with Bobby Roode’s family on (Jefferson) Impact are getting really annoying. Nobody cares about your opinion Roode clan. I hope to the Godwinns it doesn’t mean they’re going to get involved on a regular basis.

I guess the one saving grace is that Bobby Roode’s father is clearly Superstar Billy Graham wearing one of Vince McMahon’s old toupés so he might have a clue.

Then again.....


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Judging by recent episodes of (Jefferson) Impact, it’s patently obvious to me that the reason TNA wanted Kevin Nash back in January wasn’t for a Main Event Mafia return, it was to give guys like Bobby Roode and James Storm hair care advice.

Between Roode’s frizzy perm and Storm’s unkempt look and split ends, TNA’s top stars are desperately in need of grooming tips. TNA need to break the bank and bring in Nash and ‘The World’s Most Pristine Man’ Randy Orton to show everyone in the locker room how to take care of their appearance.

Orton: “Guys, I’m going to show you how to exfoliate”.

Storm: “Y’all wanna show me how Mick Foley ate? I kin eat just fahn on ma own!”


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During her Street Fight with ODB, Mickie James kicked out at 2 after a powerbomb onto the cold, hard, padded concrete floor and again after a shot to the head from a cold, hard, padded concrete trash can. Ok it was a tinfoil trash can and it wasn’t padded but work with me here people.

Who does Mickie think she is, John Cena?


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All this mention of kids in TNA – Garrett Bischoff, Kurt Angle’s kids, Jeff Jarrett’s kids, Bobby Roode’s kids, James Storm’s kid, Devon’s kids – can mean only one thing:

Eric Bischoff is bringing back MatRats!

Rejoice!


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Matt Hardy has at last been released from prison. It’s been revealed that he crawled through a 500 yard long sewage pipe before emerging a free man. There’s no explanation forthcoming as to why though - the prison guards were going to let him leave via the main gate.


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Word is that a movie of Chris Benwah’s last days is going to be brought out. Thankfully though it’s not a WWE Films production, so they won’t be able to cast John Cena as Daniel Benwah and have him reverse the life ending Crippler Crossface into the No-Pressure STF, forcing the tap out from Chris Benwah and earning himself a ticker-tape parade through the streets of Atlanta and afternoon tea with the President.

Small mercies people. Small mercies.

"HE’S BEEN CLIMBING FOR 15 MINUTES NOW!"

Didn't Snoop Dogg actually give 'Swoggle the ability to talk/rap at Mania last year (Or did I imagine that?)

Foley is a wannabe rapper. He should steal Cena's old gimmick...