Random Thoughts.....

This week’s ‘Random Thoughts’ has been typed out from notes written on my wrist. What? Are you gonna call me on it? Oh you are.....


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The word is that John Cena and the Rock aren’t going to get physical, physical I wanna get physical, let’s get into physical, let me hear your body talk....um....sorry about that. Where was I? Oh yeah, they’re not going to get physical with each other until the final RAW before Wrestlemania 28. If I were them I wouldn’t even bother.

The best way to get the most out of the main event of the biggest show in the history of big shows (not Paul Wight) is to have the Rock come out and cut a promo on Cena for 25 minutes, with Cena no-selling it the entire time – pulling stupid faces and making wise cracks – until the Rock finally goes Benoit and punches Jumpin’ John in the ovaries before attacking him with a fiery axe and shoving the Miz up Cena’s rectum (You DID main event Wrestlemania 28 Miz! Just like you said you would!). John Cena exiting the building with the Miz sticking out of his ass would be all kinds of win.

It would be the greatest Wrestlemania main event of all times!


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As for this week’s RAW, I thought Cena’s rap was pretty damn good. He had blanked out swears and everything! The only thing missing was the traditional crowd interaction where Cena would feed them the final line and they’d shout out the last word. Back in the day there was nothing like hearing an arena full of people yelling swear words in unison. Those were the glory days of professional wrestling my friends.

As for the Rock concert I thought it was ruddy excellent. That’s right I said ruddy. And I’d say it again. When I heard they were going to do another Rock concert I had bad feelings about it but Rock completely smacked it out of the park.

Mind you when he said “There’s only one song to end with” I can’t have been the only one who was disappointed when ‘We Will Rock You’ started blaring out over the speakers.

Thought for sure it would be ‘Superman’ by Black Lace. Ring the bell!


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Chris Jericho SHOCKED THE WORLD when he revealed that CM Punk has his daddy’s eyes and daddy was an alcoholic. He also promised to drive the ‘Best in the World’ to drink. If he wants to do that all he needs to do is show Punk some footage of his woeful run as the first ever Undisputed champion. That was enough to make anyone hit the sauce.

Not exactly sure where WWE intend on going with this one, it introduces a personal element to the feud that isn’t really needed, it should simply be about who is the best in the world. However it does give Punk a golden opportunity to respond with:

“Yeah? Well your dad was an ice hockey player, so PUCK YOU!”


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The Undertaker and Shawn Michaels engaged in a little back and forth banter to promote the Hell in a Cell match at Wrestlemania 28. It ended with Shawn patting the Undertaker on the arm and walking away, which is the third such time we’ve seen this happen in conjunction with the Taker / HHH feud. In my opinion they should incorporate this into the match in Miami.

Let’s face it, the Cell match needs something different for the false finishes, because the kicking out of Pedigrees and Tombstones has been done to death. So I reckon what they need to do is have the Undertaker and Triple H kick out from a standing pat on the arm, a reverse knife-edge pat on the arm, a spinning pat on the arm, a Russian pat on the arm, a Figure Four pat on the arm, a flying pat on the arm, a double pat on the arm, a springboard pat on the arm, a 450 pat on the arm and a pat on the arm through the Cell before Taker finally pins the Game-uhh following a pat on the arm from the top rope.

And they say Pat Patterson is the master of match finishes. Well that’s guff, clearly it’s me.


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The Zack Ryder / Eve Torres saga continued on RAW, with Zack asking Eve about their kiss last week and saying that he’d never felt anything like that before.

It’s called a female kissing you Zack. Don’t get used to it.


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The John Laurinaitis / Teddy Long über feud rumbled along on Smackdown, with Johnny Ace threatening to put T-Lo’s main squeeze (remember when valets used to be referred to as ‘So and so’s main squeeze’? Me neither) Aksana in a match against the Big Red Cookie Monster Kane!

Unfortunately the match never went ahead but it got me thinking that if Johnny Ace really wants to get at Teddy Long then he needs to go for the jugular and hit him right where it hurts. Forget Aksana, she’s irrelevant, what Johnny needs to do is come out AFTER Teddy Long has made this match A TAG MATCH! and revert it back to a singles match.

Teddy would be a broken man.


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Daniel Bryan Danielson and Shamoose had a verbal confrontation on Smackdown to build towards their dark match at Wrestlemania 28 (2 years running baby!). The highlight of this mic session was Danielson telling his main squeeze “AJ shut up”.

I hope AJ Styles was watching Smackdown but had to go through to the kitchen just as this segment came on. I can only imagine his reaction when he heard “AJ shut up”:

“Whut? Aw man! C’mon! Ah don’ even work for that companay! Wha they pickin’ on me? Buttholes! YOU’RE ALL BUTTHOLES! DARN YOU ALL! DARN YOU ALL TO HECK!”

As for Danielson and his chick, I can see WWE continuing the bad blood between them until the World Heavyweight title match at Wrestlemania 28 is made into a triple threat match between Danielson, Shamoose and AJ.

I’m calling it now, AJ wins the title after making Danielson and Shamoose tap out to a double LeBell Lock. You can take that one to the bank. What you do with it after that is entirely up to you.


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Randy Orton and Kane are heading towards a titanic filler match at Wrestlemania 28. I feel a bit sorry for ‘The Apex Legend Viper Predator Killer’ because this will be the third Wrestlemania in a row where he’s involved in a match with not much significance at all. So much for being (at various points over the last 3 years) WWE’s #1, #2 or #3 babyface.

Granted, not everyone can be involved in a main event match on the grandest stage of ‘em all, but 3 years running?! For one of your absolute top guys? It’s all a bit ricockulous.

What are the odds that next year Randy Orton will be in the dark match Battle Royal?


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Big Show shot down the rumours that he was going to be doing something with Shaquille O’ Neal at Wrestlemania 28. He did though invite Shaq to get in the ring with him to pick up a few pointers stating that “I teach as well as I compete”.

So that’ll be not very well then. I can’t really see how Shaq could put his new found skills of sucking wind after approximately 45 seconds and crying a lot towards his current role as a basketball commentator.

Maybe he could make it work.


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Word is that Shawn Michaels will be visiting the WWE Legend’s House for a spot of fishing. Yep, fishing. That should be riveting. If that’s the kind of thing that the Legends are going to be getting up to then this whole thing will be a mahoosive waste of time.

Someone should spike HBK’s orange juice with cocaine just so we can see the return of the old Shawn Michaels for one night only. Michaels running around whacked out refusing to job to anybody would make for classic television. HBK getting flashbacks to the Barber Shop in ‘91 and throwing randomers through windows would be a ratings winner. And Shawn handing over his fishing rod because he’d lost his smile would be one of the most emotional segments in the history of ever.

Vince, you know what needs to be done.


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Linda McMahon’s running for the Senate again so it’s inevitable we’ll get another ‘Stand Up for WWE’ campaign because all those nasty rival politicians will be saying bad things about everybody’s favourite global sports media entertainment company.

I think WWE should change it to a straightforward ‘Stand Up’ campaign. We would then have various vignettes of WWE Superstars and Divas sitting down with a serious look on their face before standing up, turning to the camera with the same serious look and saying “I’m standing up” before the screen fades to black.

That’s more likely to make people vote for Linda than anything else they could possibly think of. I’m voting for her as we speak!


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Sting appeared on (Jefferson) Impact this week in what appeared to be one of James Storm’s old shirts. I’m absolutely positive that I’ve seen Storm wearing that shirt in the past. Is Sting’s wardrobe so bad that they have to resort to him wearing cast-offs?

This new gimmick could work actually. Next week he should come out in Ric Flair’s robe, the week after Bully Ray’s shorts, the week after that Samoa Joe’s towel, the week after that Brooke Tessmacher’s hot-pants. ‘Klepto’ Sting could take Steve Borden to a whole ‘nother level.

Failing that, he needs to go back to the power of double denim. Hell, he should go for triple, quadruple, quintuple, sextuple (he said ‘sextuple’ *snigger*), septuple denim. Sting rocking up with a denim jacket, denim jeans, a denim shirt, denim shoes, denim shades, denim face paint and a denim baseball bat would blow every other gimmick in the history of our great sport clean out of the water.

Clean out.


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This might seem a bit controversial but Jeff Hardy is not a big star. How do we know this? Because his locker room door DOESN’T have his name on it, that’s how!

When ‘The Next Big Thing’ Garett Bischoff went to ask Jeff if he was good to go (How annoying must that be by the way? Some no mark raps on your door and asks “You good to go?” I’LL BE GOOD TO GO WHEN YOU GET THE EFF OUT OF MY LOCKER ROOM YOU NO TALENT BUM! SOD OFF!) there was no sign of a star on the door or any mention of the ‘Charismatic Engima’ in spangly letters. Ergo, Jeff Hardy is NOT a big star.

To be fair though, at least TNA hinted at Jeff having his own proper private locker room. Back when Goldberg was in WWE they actually showed him coming out of what appeared to be a janitor’s closet during one of his entrances. That was epic:

“HERE COMES DA MAN BAH GAWD! THERE’S A MOP BUCKET IN HIS WAY! A MOP BUCKET! A MOP BUCKET! GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY A MOP BUCKET! NOW HE’S SQUEEZING PAST SOME ‘WET FLOOR’ SIGNS! HOW DO YOU LEARN TO SQUEEZE PAST A ‘WET FLOOR’ SIGN KING? BAH GAWD IT AIN’T RIGHT! WHOAH! HE JUST GOT SHOWERED WITH URINAL CAKES! THEY MUST HAVE FALLEN 50 FEET! GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY! GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY THAT KILLED HIM! AS GAWD IS MY WITNESS HE’S BROKEN IN HALF! HE’S BACK ON HIS FEET! BAH GAWD HE’S BACK ON HIS FEET! GOLDBERG IS BACK TO HIS VERTICAL BASE! GOLDBERG’S COMING TO WHOOP SOME ASS KING!”

And people wonder why Goldberg’s WWE run didn’t work out.


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Speaking of ‘The Cerebral Assassin’ Garett Bischoff, teaming him up with all these big names – Hulk Hogan, Sting, Jeff Hardy, Ken Patera – isn’t going to do him any good. Clearly he’s not ready to be anywhere near main events on (Jefferson) Impact and the continued association with TNA’s biggest names will only lead to resentment from the fans AND the TNA locker room.

When Jeff Hardy came out for their tag match, Garett looked completely lost and unsure of his next move. He followed Jeff around, bumped into the back of him, got in his way when Hardy went to climb the turnbuckle during the ring introductions, I mean he looked like some Make A Wish kid who’d got the chance to jump in the ring with their favourite wrestler.

If I were the next poor bugger who has to team with Garett Bischoff, once the introductions were done I’d hand Garett a foam replica of the TNA World title and usher him out of the ring with a “There ya go pal! Hope you enjoyed your day. Keep fighting the AIDS champ!” then get on with the business of wrestling as security led a confused looking Garett away from the ring:

“But.......but.......I’m s’posed to be in there”. “Sure, sure you are bud. Let’s go find your mom and dad”.


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It appears that TNA have dropped the whole ‘What does Christopher Daniels have over Frankie Kazarian?’ angle they were running. Instead we got Kazarian coming out and berating AJ Styles in standard heel fashion on this week’s (Jefferson) Impact before AJ revealed that he’d now aligned himself with Mr. Anderson. The fact that AJ couldn’t bring himself to say ‘bumhole’ will have given Ric Flair conniptions.

As for Daniels and Kazarian the only thing that was even remotely intriguing about this whole angle has now disappeared. It wasn’t intriguing in a ‘What can Daniels possibly hold over Kazarian that would make him turn on one of his best friends?’ kind of way. It was intriguing in a ‘What the hell kind of nonsensical gubbins are TNA going to come up with to explain this one?’ kind of way.

Sadly we will never know. My guess is that this whole angle was a Vince Russo concoction that was going to end with it being revealed that Daniels had painted a nipple on his head and masqueraded as one of Traci Brook’s chesticles and he’d managed to get photos revealing that Kazarian is actually a hermaphrodite.

Like I say, it’s a guess. But an educated one.


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Eric Young asked ODB to marry him, before she turned the tables on EY (she turned the tables on him in the wrong way) and asked HIM to marry HER. It wasn’t exactly on a par with Randy Savage’s awesome proposal to Miss Elizabeth - “ELIZABIT! ELIZABIT! I........LOVE........YOU!” - but it was a technically sound proposal with decent workrate from both participants. I give it 3 and a half stars.

Pity that The Taz then had to go and spoil the wedding for us all by saying “Not for nuthin’ Tenay, but what’s Eric gonna look like in a weddin’ dress?” which is most likely what will happen come the ODB / EY nuptials. It was like he was a bargain basement version of Bobby Heenan at Bash at the Beach 96 when he foreshadowed Hulk Hogan’s heel turn with his “But whose side is he on?!” line.

The Taz did exactly the same thing here in my opinion, and it could have a catastrophic effect on the wrestling business. I just wish Mike Tenay had channelled his inner Dusty Rhodes and responded with a gigantic “WHADDAREYEWTALKINABOUT?!” to throw us all off the scent.


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Joseph Parks debuted this week on (Jefferson) Impact. Joseph is Abyss’ storyline brother but the twist is that ***SPOILER ALERT!*** he’s played by Abyss! Various TNA wrestlers and Knockouts feigned interest when he was going around looking for his ‘brother’, who’s been missing for months now apparently. You’d completely forgotten hadn’t you? Yeah, me too.

Not really sure how this one’s going to play out. The only thing going for it is that Joseph looks like Penn from Penn and Teller, except fatter and with shorter hair. If I were the TNA wrestlers / Knockouts in those segments I’d have acted like I’d never even heard of Abyss. So instead of “Abyss has a brother?” you’d have “Abyss? Nope, sorry dude, no idea” just to see if Chris Parks would get all upset that no-one remembered him.

Abyss sobbing uncontrollably because nobody loves him = Ratings.


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‘Sycho’ Sid Vicious / Justice no-showed an independent card where he was scheduled to wrestle Fatt Hardy in the main event of the evening. As a result, the promoter sent Sid a voicemail of all the fans in attendance booing before reading out Sid’s phone number to the crowd. I wonder how many of them ended up phoning Sid?

I don’t think I’d have the balls to send a message to Sid. He’d probably come to my house and powerbomb me on the kitchen floor before the Rockers ran in for the save and were rewarded with a cup of tea and a slice of Battenberg from my mum as I lay in a twisted, mangled mess on the floor. That actually happened once. Fair enough, it was in a dream but you weren’t there man, you don’t know!

I think Sid’s reason for no showing had nothing to do with him being a jackass, or wanting more money or anything like that. I just don’t think he wanted to wrestle a heavily pregnant Matt Hardy.


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Apparently a sex tape starring none other than the Immortal Hulk Terry Sterling Golden Boulder Hogan and a mysterious brunette has emerged. There are numerous jokes about 24 inch pythons (oo-er), Hulkamania running wild and “Hangin’ and bangin’ brother!” that could be used here but ‘Random Thoughts’ has got a bit more class than that.

Questions abound as to who Hogan’s mystery tag partner could be. Stephanie McMahon? Melina (if there’s a wardrobe in the background mysteriously rocking to and fro then it’s definitely Melina)? Lita? Dixie Carter? Garett Bischoff? Savio Vega? Gene Okerlund? We may never know for sure. The one thing we do know for sure though, is that if the tape goes on sale then Brutus ‘The Barber’ Beefcake will buy every single copy.

Unless it was him who filmed it of course.


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Best one yet. Brilliant. Great work man. Is there anyone out there that will employ this man?

Surely you have a blog for this, as well as posting it here of course.

Brilliant

Fantastic as always.

The John Laurinaitis / Teddy Long über feud rumbled along on Smackdown, with Johnny Ace threatening to put T-Lo’s main squeeze (remember when valets used to be referred to as ‘So and so’s main squeeze’? Me neither) Aksana in a match against the Big Red Cookie Monster Kane!

Unfortunately the match never went ahead but it got me thinking that if Johnny Ace really wants to get at Teddy Long then he needs to go for the jugular and hit him right where it hurts. Forget Aksana, she’s irrelevant, what Johnny needs to do is come out AFTER Teddy Long has made this match A TAG MATCH! and revert it back to a singles match.

Teddy would be a broken man.

This is various kinds of win

Klepto Sting made me laugh out loud!

Great "Random Thoughts" again!

You must do this for a magazine

your amazing hahahaha

Let’s face it, the Cell match needs something different for the false finishes, because the kicking out of Pedigrees and Tombstones has been done to death. So I reckon what they need to do is have the Undertaker and Triple H kick out from a standing pat on the arm, a reverse knife-edge pat on the arm, a spinning pat on the arm, a Russian pat on the arm, a Figure Four pat on the arm, a flying pat on the arm, a double pat on the arm, a springboard pat on the arm, a 450 pat on the arm and a pat on the arm through the Cell before Taker finally pins the Game-uhh following a pat on the arm from the top rope.

Love it

Brilliant read once again. There is a genius in our midst