Random Thoughts.....

This week’s ‘Random Thoughts’ comes crashing down and it hurts inside. Pain and destruction is its middle name. It thinks it’s cute. It knows it’s sexy. It might cost a little. It might cost a lot. It carries a big stick, a ball and chain too. And it’s coming to your town in a pink Cadillac. Cos that’s how ‘Random Thoughts’ rolls. ONWARDS!


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The Undertaker came out to cut a promo on this week’s RAW, saying that he was going to hurt CM Punk at Wrestlemania. Well that’s not very nice. ‘The Deadman’ claimed that Punk had one chance to save his soul – to return the urn to its rightful owner: Mike Adamle.

Punk appeared on the Titantron and mocked Paul Bearer. Cos it’s fun to mock the dead. Hey, it’s what Bearer would have wanted, or so WWE keep telling us every time they do something morally questionable regarding the deceased. Just ask Jerry Lawler’s mother. Anyhoo, Punk went on to show us some wicked Cocktail-esque moves with the urn before saying he doesn’t answer to a Higher Power because he IS a Higher Power

IT WAS PUNK AUSTIN! IT WAS PUNK ALL ALONG AUSTIN!

And there’s your hook for Wrestlemania 30.

You’re welcome.


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Brock Lesnar and Triple H had a contract signing segment this week on RAW. Well, Paul Heyman and Triple H did, Brock was nowhere to be seen. Heyman stipulated that the stipulation of the contract signing was that ‘The Game-uhh’ had to sign the contract without knowing what the stipulation for their match at Wrestlemania 29 would be. I think that’s all the stipulations covered.

Heyman decided to have some fun with Trips, throwing out various scenarios for the match at Wrestlemania, including a match where ‘The Cerebral Ass.Ass.In’ was blindfolded. That would never work, there’s not a chance in hell that Triple H could recreate his classic blindfold match with D’Lo Brown? from 2003. He also suggested a ‘Winner Gets Stephanie’ match but reconsidered and said it should really be ‘Loser Gets Stephanie’. This sent Triple H off the deep end and he channelled his wife’s inner rage and set about putting a hurting on the ‘Voice of the Voice of the Voiceless’.

Trips fairly did a number on Heyman, to the point where he was cut and sporting several welts on his face by the end of the segment. Bet the McMahons enjoyed that, I was half expecting Vince and Stephanie to come running down and beat the tar out of Heyman too for sh*ts and giggles. The contract was eventually signed which brought out an enraged Brock Lesnar. He was so pi55ed off he beat up the stage with a steel chair. Nothing says badass like beating up a stage with a steel chair. Triple H was obviously concerned, pulling a sledgehammer out of his nose to defend himself. Lesnar made his way to the ring but Paul Heyman put the brakes on that move.

After Heyman and Lesnar had exited the ringside area - with poor Paul looking like the Penguin from ‘Batman Returns’ - they revealed that the match at Wrestlemania 29 would be No Holes Barred..... excuse me No Holds Barred and that Triple H’s career would also be on the line! The crowd went mild at the announcement, which I’m pretty sure wasn’t the reaction they were looking for.

Maybe they should have gone with ‘Loser Gets Stephanie’ after all.


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Jumpin’ John Cena came out sporting a brand new t-shirt, this time a fetching yellow number. He must have seen how well CM Punk’s yellow GTS t-shirt sold and fancied a piece of the pie. He cut a promo saying that the fans had 20 days to pick a side – Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson or John Cena. I’ll abstain thanks. He spouted some more stuff in a pretty lacklustre promo before he was interrupted by the Prime Time Players.

Well, it wasn’t quite the Prime Time Players: it was Afro Cena and the ‘uncle’ of Titus O’ Neill – Rufus ‘Pancake’ Patterson. In other words Titus in a wig, glasses, overalls and R-Truth’s old ‘Pretty Ricky’ comedy teeth. Hilarious, right? Yeah it was as awesome as it sounds.

‘Pancake’ went on to say he was Titus’ uncle (although later on he said he was Afro Cena’s uncle – try figuring that one out) and that nobody wanted to see John Cena at Wrestlemania, which got a big pop. After more inane ramblings Cena had obviously had enough, and challenged his African American twin to a match. You know, to show how serious he was about Wrestlemania. Gotta love that logic.

White Cena defeated Black Cena with the Attiude Adjustment in a match that lasted 3 days. Not really, the match went about 3 days less than that. After this woeful segment / match – which did absolutely sweet F.A. to build the WWE title match at Wrestlemania, yeah it’s still on apparently - the commentators harped on about how focused Cena was for Wrestlemania.

Unlike the WWE creative team.


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The World Heavyweight Champion Alberto Del Boy Trotter took on Cody Rhodes in a match that had NOTHING on the line. Del Rio got the win when he made Cody tap out to a Cross Moustache Breaker. Following the match, Jack Thwagger and his dealer came out to attack Del Rio and his man servant Ricardo Rodriguez. Del Rio looked like he had the upper hand until he went after Thwagger’s dealer, allowing Jackie to blindside him and throw him into the steps and over the announce table. He then locked in the Patriot Act on Ricardo for good measure.

The most noticeable thing about this segment was that there was a very audible “USA!” chant after Thwagger had hurled Del Rio over the announce table. Well done WWE, who’da thunk that a portion of your audience would be xenophobic tosspots? Might as well go the whole hog and turn Thwagger face and Del Rio heel.

At least then it would give the audience the opportunity to yell “HE TOOK OUR JERBS! AND HE TOOK OUR WURL TATTLE!” at Alberto.


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Ryberg was confirmed in a 6 man tag team match alongside Randy Orton and Shamoose to take on the Wire.... I mean the Shield at Wrestlemania 29. After defeating Dangerous Davey Otunga with Shellfish, Goldback said he would cross paths with Mark Henry at some point. Henry took umbrage at this and made his way out to confront Ryberg.

Before any damage could be caused, Vickie Guerrero and Teddy Long trundled out and told Henry to stop. Hammer time. Vickie went on to say that Ryberg was removed from the 6 man and put in a match with ‘The World’s Boobiest Man’ Mark Henry. Teddy Long looked confused – “I thought we was out here to make a TAG MATCH PLAYA?” – and Ryberg hit Otunga with another Shellfish to send a message to Henry. Not sure what the message was, other than “I can lift a guy half your weight onto my shoulders and do Santino’s trumpet dance before dropping him”. Be afraid Mark Henry, be very afraid. The commentators harped on about whether or not Ryberg could lift Henry up for Shellfish.

I’m going to say no. And it’ll be the highlight of Wrestlemania 29 watching him try.


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With the news that Randy Orton and Shamoose wouldn’t be feeding the Wire.... dammit that’s twice!.... the Shield to Ryberg, things looked grim for the ‘Celtic Wipers’ – it’s an amalgamation of ‘Celtic Warrior’ and ‘Viper’, you come up with something better! – until they were saved by a knight in shining spandex: the Big Show!

Show came out after the Shield had surrounded Orton and Shamoose and he helped chase them off, before pointing to the Wrestlemania 29 sign. I dunno about you but I’m sick of everybody pointing at the Wrestlemania sign.

Next time someone does that the stage hands should release the mechanism that holds up the sign causing it to fall onto the audience below. It will make the guy / gal doing the pointing think they’ve got destructive magical powers. It’ll cut down on other wrestlers pointing as well.

“I CAN’T POINT! PEOPLE DIE WHEN I POINT!”


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It’s official – the WWE Tag Team Championships will be on the line at Wrestlemania 29. And the match might even make the main card! Defending champs the Beverley Brothers.... sorry Team Hell No take on their mortal enemies since last week Dolph Ziggler and Ryblack.

Following Dolph’s 952nd victory over Kofi Kingston, Team Hell No made their way out. Daniel Bryan Danielson said that Dolph and Big Ermintrude Langston were the only people who could get Team Hell No on the same page. Kane grabbed the mic and said that everybody knew he was in a bad place right now, which was a bit harsh because Pittsburgh isn’t completely horrible. He then challenged Blacktista to prove he was as good in the ring as he was outside it. AJ Lee cut in and said her boys would take on DBD and Kane at Wrestlemania if the tag titles were on the line. Dolph looked like he wanted no part of it. His wish wasn’t granted though because the tag champs responded with a resounding “YES! YES! YES!”.

Where this leaves Dolph Ziggler and his Money in the Bank cash in is anybody’s guess. Personally I’d have him forget to cash in his title shot, it would be far more realistic. I mean how often have you missed a deadline, thinking you had more time? Exactly. It should be the same with Dolph.

“I’m cashing in the briefcase right now!”

“Umm.... Dolph.... that expired last week”.

“WHAT? No way man, I’ve got another 7 days to cash in!”

“Sorry Dolph, you missed your chance”.

“You gotta be kidding me, surely?!”

“I’m not kidding you. And don’t call me Shirley. At least you can keep tagging with Big E. Lashley”.

“GODAMMIT!”


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Booker T is the latest inductee into the WWE Hall of Fame. He joins this year’s class of Bruno Sammartino, Mick Foley, Bob Backlund, Trish Stratus, Donald Trump, Colin Delaney, Jimmy Jack Funk, Debra, El Dandy, Wally Yamaguchi, Jean-Pierre Lafitte, Adam Bomb, Abe ‘Knuckleball’ Schwartz and Dixie Carter. Which is a hell of a line-up I’m sure you’ll agree.

Speculation abounds as to who will induct the 6 time, 6 time, 6 time, 6 time, 6 time, 6 time General Manager of Smackdown. Stevie Ray? Umm...... who? Teddy Long? Nah, he’d turn the Hall of Fame into a TAG MATCH PLAYA! Ahmed Johnson? He could reminisce about their epic feud in WCW over the letter T.

My pick would be Batista. I guess if he did it we’d find out whether or not Booker T’s hold grudges.


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In news that is sure to shake the very foundations of professional sports wrestling entertainment, the Bella twins have returned! Cinder and Baby have made their comeback just in time to headline Wrestlemania. Coincidentally, one of the twins is dating a VERY influential wrestler which is most likely the main reason behind their return. Once again, politics rears its ugly head in the WWE.

That Daniel Bryan Danielson ought to be ashamed of himself.


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This week’s Jefferson Impact was all set to kick off with a World Tag Team Championship of the World match between the champs Austin Aries and Bobby Roode and their bitter rivals (not really) SuperTed and Bananahammockman. Or Hernandez and Chavo Guerrero as they’re more commonly known. Fortunately - or unfortunately if you’re a fan of Chavo... so yeah I guess it’s fortunately – the match never took place thanks to Aces & Eights rushing the ring and obliterating the challengers.

Once those pesky foreigners had been dealt with, Devon introduced his brother, the President of Aces & Eights, the TNA World Heavyweight Champion, the leader of the New Generation, the founder of the NWA and the owner of the biggest Pog collection in the known universe: Bully Ray!

The champ came to the ring and made Garett Bischoff hold his title while he put on his Aces & Eights vest. So they finally found something productive for Garett to do. Bully then went on to tell everyone that it had been a set up all along – the horror! – and that Hulk Hogan didn’t have the balls to fire Aces & Eights. Which may have been alluding to Hogan’s years of rampant steroid abuse. Bully then told us that he used Sting and screwed Brooke. He wasn’t entirely correct on that last one though. Bully didn’t screw Brooke, Brooke screwed Brooke.

Whilst Hulk Hogan filmed it all most probably.


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Hulk Hogan and Sting had a confrontation in Hogan’s office that was destined to end badly. Hulk was ever so annoyed at Sting for convincing him to trust that dastardly Bully Ray and he let him have it with both barrels. He said the movie was over. I’m not sure what the movie was, maybe it was ‘Sting & Hulk’s Excellent Adventure’. Or perhaps it was ‘Sting & Hulk’s High School Reunion’. Or most likely of all ‘Sting & Hulk Make A Porno’. Hogan went on to tell Sting to get out of his sight, that he made him sick. So I guess Sting gave him the AIDS.

Later on in the show we were shown exclusive footage of Brooke Hogan’s backstage reaction to what transpired at Lockdown. She hasn’t been seen since the paper view and I have to admit I was quite impressed with Brooke’s acting ability, you could almost believe that she was distraught over the actions of her husband.

Then I realised she wasn’t acting.


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Fresh from his emotional break up with his lover, Sting ambled aimlessly around the backstage area thinking maybe if he’d treated the Hulkster once in a while, took him dancing or something then they’d still be together.

Just as Sting was about to go and lose himself in a huge tub of Ben & Jerry’s and his Dido CD, he was interrupted by Austin Aries and Bobby Roode, sporting fetching vests with ‘Dirty Heels’ written on them. Nope, me neither. Aries and Roode, being the dirty heels that they are - wait I just got what their vests mean! - mocked the Stinger, saying it was his fault that Bully Ray was World champion and that no-one had ever heard of the new Pope.

Sting replied by saying he was done talking and that he wanted to fight. Aries ran his mouth thinking he was being backed up by Roode, until he discovered that Bobby had sneaked off to eat a pack of Chewits. Sting tapped him on the noggin and said he was fighting Austin.

The two had a good match that once again saw Aries mock his opponent’s signature moves – although at one point he did Chavo Guerrero’s Eddie tribute. I can see how he got Sting and Chavo mixed up though - they both wear a lot of make-up. Eventually, Sting trapped Aries in the loosest Scorpion Death Lock ever only for Aces & Eights to hit the ring. Aries tapped after Sting had already been flattened, which was odd.

After beating up Sting, Bully Ray grabbed the mic and begged for his father in law to come out. He duly did, hobbling onto the stage with his 24 inch crutches. As Bully Ray taunted him, Hogan said that he was empowering the TNA locker room. Which made him sound like a bad motivational speaker. This brought out the entire TNA locker room – consisting of Jeff Hardy and about 6 other guys - who engaged in a brawl with Aces & Eights. The odds of 8 versus 7 were too much for the TNA roster to overcome and they were left laying.

Bully Ray continued to taunt his brother-dad in law until there was the sound of glass shattering and out stomped Brooke Hogan looking to kick names and take ass while Mike Tenay yelled on commentary “BAH GAWD THAT LOOKS LIKE THE OLD BROOKE HOGAN! SHE’S WALKING! OH SHE’S TALKING!” She proceeded to take out all of the Aces & Eights with Brooke Cold Stunners as the crowd went banana.

That’s what SHOULD have happened, instead the show went off the air with Bully Ray taunting Hulk Hogan and the TNA General Manager waving his crutches around.

They must be saving the Brooke thing for next week.


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AJ Styles made his triumphant return to (Jefferson) Impact this week. The whole dealio started with Kazaniels coming out dressed up as Animal & Hawk, the Legion of Doom – or Legion of Boom as they called themselves. I don’t get it either, unless they’re massive fans of Kofi Kingston or something.

James Storm obviously isn’t a member of the Kofi fan club, as he interrupted Kazaniels and challenged them to a game of Pop Up Pirate. If only. He actually challenged them to a fight. Christopher Daniels stepped up to the plate and the two had a solid match that was won by Storm with a Backstabber. After the bell, Kazaniels attacked Storm until AJ Styles sauntered out and levelled Kazarian. As the former World Tag Team Champions of the World backed off, Styles then nearly decapitated the fully erect James Storm (I mean he was back on his feet, not the other thing you sicko!) with a clothesline.

AJ walked to the back without saying a word, with the commentators in shock at his actions. The general consensus at moment is that eventually AJ Styles will be the man TNA turn to in order to dethrone Bully Ray as World Champion, most likely at Bound for Glory. That’s all well and good but I reckon I’ve got a better storyline:

Bully Ray will beat AJ after throwing salt in his eyes, causing Hulk Hogan to come out and check up on Styles. Bully Ray will still be in the ring and through his Japanese manager will challenge Hogan to a title match right there and then. AJ will tell Hogan to “GO GET HIM HULK!” and approximately 30 seconds later, Hulk Hogan will be the new TNA World Heavyweight Champion.

As far as I’m aware that’s never been done. It’s some good sh*t I think you’ll agree.


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Joseph Park / Parks cut a horrible promo in front of his hometown crowd which was interrupted by the Berzerker. My mistake, it was Matt Morgan. After Park / Parks had said that appearing in front of the Chicago crowd was the third best moment of his life (or he might have said it was the best moment - it was kinda hard to follow), Morgan strolled to the ring and said Hulk Hogan had made a ton of mistakes, and that signing Joseph Park / Parks was one of them. He then called Joseph fat. I think that’s what he said anyway, it’s hard to make out what a guy who is approximately 80% beard is saying.

Big Joe took exception to being called fat and said that Chicagoites.... wait that’s not right, the Chicagish.... nope that’s not it, Chicagonese.... dammit that’s not it either!.... sod it, people from Chicago never back down from a fight. Morgan then feigned leaving the ring, but prepared to attack once Park / Parks’ back was turned. From there we had a bit of “You go”, “No, you go”, “No, you go”, “I’ll go” “No, I’ll go” stalling until eventually Morgan levelled Joseph with a big boot. He went on to say they’d do things on Morgan’s time and that “My time is next week”.

Which sounds like the crappy follow up to a crappy John Cena song.


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The TNA Knockouts were in action this week as the champ Velvet Sky teamed with Mickie James – who? – to take on Gail Kim and the hometown favourite CM Punk.... sorry Tara. As luck would have it there were no ‘If Tara Loses We Riot’ signs in the crowd, because the Chicago native picked up the L – as the boys call it – after she went down for the uno... dos... three to Velvet Sky’s Pedigree.

But that wasn’t the main story of the match. No, the main story – other than everybody trying to figure out who this Mickie James kid was – was the fact that Gail Kim got into another altercation with the Knockouts referee Girl Hebner. Following her shenanigans at In Your House: Good Friends, Better Enemies where she speared the living bejesus out of Gail Kim, Taryn Terrell was put on probation by the Knockouts head honcho Brooke Hogan. She failed this test with flying colours, smacking Gail upside the head after provocation from the first ever Knockouts champ.

From here, it’s safe to assume that Taryn will be relieved of her refereeing duties and made into a full time Knockout, which I’m sure everybody in the world ever is looking forward to. I mean the last person to go from referee to wrassler was Garett Bischoff and we can all agree that his career has been stellar.

Rumours abound (okay maybe not) about what her finisher will be. In a ‘Random Thoughts’ exclusive, I can reveal that Taryn Terrell’s finisher will be the WMD punch. If you don’t think it’ll be effective, just ask Drew Mcintyre - who is his generation’s Ric Flair.

And it’s got nowt to do with his wrestling abilities.


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Hey Magnus! Stop telling me that I’m watching TNA Impact Wrestling on Challenge Late Zone! I KNOW I’M WATCHING TNA IMPACT WRESTLING ON CHALLENGE LATE ZONE! You know how I know I’m watching TNA Impact Wrestling on Challenge Late Zone? BECAUSE I TUNED INTO CHALLENGE LATE ZONE TO WATCH TNA IMPACT WRESTLING!

So bugger off Captain Obvious. And change your damn shirt.


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theundisputedY2D2 wrote:

Hey Magnus! Stop telling me that I’m watching TNA Impact Wrestling on Challenge Late Zone! I KNOW I’M WATCHING TNA IMPACT WRESTLING ON CHALLENGE LATE ZONE! You know how I know I’m watching TNA Impact Wrestling on Challenge Late Zone? BECAUSE I TUNED INTO CHALLENGE LATE ZONE TO WATCH TNA IMPACT WRESTLING!

So bugger off Captain Obvious. And change your damn shirt.

I thought the exact same thing, great article

amazing as usual

Girl Hebner

theundisputedY2D2 wrote:

Bully Ray will beat AJ after throwing salt in his eyes, causing Hulk Hogan to come out and check up on Styles. Bully Ray will still be in the ring and through his Japanese manager will challenge Hogan to a title match right there and then. AJ will tell Hogan to “GO GET HIM HULK!” and approximately 30 seconds later, Hulk Hogan will be the new TNA World Heavyweight Champion.

As far as I’m aware that’s never been done. It’s some good sh*t I think you’ll agree.

Here's a wee suggestion, it might not make that the most awesome thing in wrestling ever, but when Hogan wins the belt, Dixie should jump into the ring and hold Hogan's arms aloft looking rather smug!

Once again, a class read!

The who Big E Langston section was pure gold(berg), I think Big E Lashley made me laugh the most haha

Before any damage could be caused, Vickie Guerrero and Teddy Long trundled out and told Henry to stop. Hammer time. Vickie went on to say that Ryberg was removed from the 6 man and put in a match with ‘The World’s Boobiest Man’ Mark Henry. Teddy Long looked confused – “I thought we was out here to make a TAG MATCH PLAYA?”

Amazing as usual

First time i have caught one of these. Total genius i salute you sir.

My Favourite bit Ryblack

Genius as usual!

Next time someone does that the stage hands should release the mechanism that holds up the sign causing it to fall onto the audience below. It will make the guy / gal doing the pointing think they’ve got destructive magical powers. It’ll cut down on other wrestlers pointing as well.

“I CAN’T POINT! PEOPLE DIE WHEN I POINT!”

So true, does my box in watching them all point

"Ryblack" & "Blacktista" always cracks me up, I nominate you use "Black Lesner" next week just for the hell of it

hey when we getting a new random thoughts?

MetalMotty wrote:hey when we getting a new random thoughts?

I Dunno but you bumping Tue thread really got my hopes up you evil Kumquat

Dr Gregory House MD wrote:

MetalMotty wrote:hey when we getting a new random thoughts?

I Dunno but you bumping Tue thread really got my hopes up you evil Kumquat

Seconded.

Dr Gregory House MD wrote:

MetalMotty wrote:hey when we getting a new random thoughts?

I Dunno but you bumping Tue thread really got my hopes up you evil Kumquat

haha sorry just love the thread and thought bumping it might attract attention.

BRING BACK RANDOM THOUGHTS

The best thing in the wrestling section.

We haven't had a post WM edition, what's going off?!?!?!