Random Thoughts.....

‘Random Thoughts’ returns to where it all begins again. No, not Wrestlemania 20 – 606v2 of course!

So how must you prepare for this edition of ‘Random Thoughts’ I hear you ask yourself? Should you jump off the tallest building in the world? Should you lay on the lawn and let 'em run over you with lawn-mowers? Should you go to Africa and let 'em trample you with raging elephants?

Yes. Yes you should.


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Jumpin’ John Cena came out to address his match with Ryback at Payback in the Outback. Just kidding, it’s in Chicago. He said there was controversy surrounding their match at Extreme Rules and so their match at Payback should be a 3 Stages of Hell match. The first stage will be a Lumberjack (and I’m okay) match. The second stage will be a Tables match. And the third stage, if required (nudge-nudge, wink-wink) will be an Ambulance match.

Ryberg came out for a bit of a blether and was swiftly followed by the undefeated Curtis Axel and his chaperone Paul Heyman. They challenged Jumpin’ John to a game of Jenga but he said he’d rather have a match instead. Jenga would have been much better I’m sure you’ll agree. Later on that evening, Curtis won thanks to a count-out after Jumpin’ John was distracted by an ambulance. I swear to JBL that when the sirens went off I thought Scott Steiner had made his return to the WWE. Alas, it was not to be.

Cena went to check the ambulance to see if Ryberg was inside, but it turns out he wasn’t. Goldback jumped Jumpin’ John (Huh?) from behind and beat him up a little before Cena managed to turn the tables on him in the wrong way and set him up for an Attitude Adjustment. Ryberg scooched out of it and hurled Cena off the stage to the cold, hard concrete floor 15 feet below. You may dispute that but it was definitely 15 feet, Jim Ross told me so.

And there’s NO WAY he was exaggerating.


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Chris Jericho resurrected Piper’s Pit...... sorry the Cutting Edge..... I mean Carlito’s Cabana.... nope that ain’t it..... the Peep Show?....... Highlight Reel! That’s the one! He resurrected the Highlight Reel on RAW this week. His special guest was the mad scientist himself: Paul E. Dangerously. Alas, Paul wasn’t here to talk about the Dangerous Alliance, he wanted to talk about Curtis Axel. Jericho didn’t. He wanted to talk aboot Heyman’s other client. Paul was only too happy to eulogise about BRAAAAAAAAWK LESSSSSSSSSSNAR! but Y2J wasn’t in the mood to talk aboot the ‘Next Big Pain Beast Thing’ either so he told Paul to kindly refrain from uttering another sentence. Or words to that effect.

No, the Paul Heyman client that Chris Jericho wanted to talk aboot was none other than Freddie Joe Floyd. Hang on a sec, they must be saving that for another show because Chris actually wanted to talk aboot Chunky Munky Punk. He wanted to know where the former WWE Champion was. After much back and forth banter between the two, Jericho challenged CM Punk to a match at Payback in Chicago at Payback in Chicago at Payback in Chicago. At Payback. In Chicago. Heyman, on behalf of his client CM Punk, accepted the match and the two shook hands. Y2J then pulled Heyman in close, whispered sweet nothings into his ear and that was that.

What got me is that once again, Paul Heyman accepted a match on behalf of one of his clients without consulting them. He did it for the Brock Lesnar / Triple H match at Summerslam when he was goaded into it by the ferocious fists of Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley-Levesque and now he’s done it to CM Punk after a verbal altercation with Chris Jericho. If I were either of those guys I’d be fuming. So there it is folks, irrefutable evidence that Paul Heyman is a crappy manager. Yes, crappier than Tennessee Lee. Crappier than Jameson. Crappier than Clarence Mason. And crappier than Oliver frickin’ Humperdink.

You know this to be true.


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Dean Ambrose defended his prestigious United States title against that phony Jamaican Kofi Kingston. Ambrose picked up the win with his headlock driver finisher, which is similar to a DDT but Ambrose grabs a headlock instead of a front facelock and falls forwards instead of backwards. It reminded me of something but I could never remember what until now.

You know how when you’ve got hiccups you’re supposed to drink water upside down? And instead of standing on your head and drinking it, you lean forward and drink from the far side of the glass / cup / mug? Well that’s what Dean Ambrose’s headlock driver is in relation to the DDT.

Don’t look at me like that, you know I’m right!


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The WWE World Tag Team Champions of the World Henry Rollins and Roman Pavlyuchenko of the Shield defended their titles against the number one contenders Team Hell No: Daniel Bryan Danielson and ‘The Big Red Sex Machine’ Kane. Team Hell No were named the challengers to Rollins and Reigns after winning a tournament in Rio de Janeiro. No honestly, they did. WWE must have done the tournament at the same time as the one where Pat Patterson was crowned the first ever Intercontinental Champion.

Prior to the match there was some tension between Team Hell No, with Daniel Bryan Danielson apparently obsessing over being labelled the weak link in the team. Kane tried reasoning with him but DBD wasn’t hearing that noise until Bret ‘The Hitman’ Hart walked in and told him “You gotta get back in the game Coxy!” or something like that. This seemed to have the desired effect on DBD, but Kane was offended that Daniel would listen to Bret Hart but not to him. DBD replied that was because Bret Hart is the best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be, whilst Kane is just Kane. Must be Joe’s brother or something.

Onto the match and the Shield picked up the win after Rollins pinned Kane. ‘The Big Red Sex Machine’ was distracted by Daniel Bryan Danielson getting murderised at the hands of Roman Pavlyuchenko on the outside. So that makes Kane the weak link of the team right?

Where Team Hell No goes from here is anybody’s guess. With the whole ‘weak link’ thing going on the most obvious scenario is for WWE to draft in Anne Robinson for a special episode of The Weakest Link at the Payback paper view. That’s far too obvious though, all the smart fans are expecting that so Vince & Co. will try and swerve us all. So what other game show can they go for? For me there is only one solution:


Kane.

Daniel Bryan Danielson.

Pat Sharp.

F**k yeah, it’s Fun House!

Smell that damn buy rate.


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Alberto Del Rio squared off against Big E. Lashley on this week’s RAW. Conspicuous by his absence was the World Heavyweight Champion Nicky from the Spirit Squad. Apparently he’s got a concussion or something, but it can’t be that because I’ve got a concussion right now and you don’t see me not showing up because I’ve got a concussion right now and you don’t see me not showing up because I’ve got a concussion right now and you don’t see me not showing up because I’ve got a concussion right now. Wait, what was I talking about?

Del Rio pinned Black Lesnar (© Kay Fabe) after interference from AJ backfired. Soulberg wasn’t happy with Nicky from the Spirit Squad’s main squeeze after he had his head rammed into the exposed cold, hard concrete.... I mean steel turnbuckle before being rolled up for the Eins.... Zwei.... Three. AJ tried apologising afterwards but Ryblack didn’t want to hear it. There’s trouble brewing in Gotham City.

Next week on RAW supposedly marks the return of the World Heavyweight champ so maybe he’ll address the tension between AJ and Big boobie-E. Langston. There’s been talk of turning Choc Lesnar babyface in the near future but for me it’s far too soon for that. If WWE wants to split them up it should be done with a slow build, much like Evolution. Dolph Ziggler plays the role of Triple H, Blacktista plays the role of.... umm.... Batista and AJ is obviously the Ric Flair of the bunch.

Someone get her a cream sports jacket and a wheelchair. And teach her how to blade. WOOO!


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The WWE Intercontinental Champion Wade Barrett took on Fandango this week in a match refereed by the Miz. The champ took the loss after being nailed with the Skull Crushing Finale which allowed Fandango to get the pin. As Fandango celebrated his huge win with Summer Rae, the Miz kicked him then counted the 3 after Summer Rae landed on top of her beau.

So I guess that makes Summer Rae the number one contender to the Intercontinental Championship. Doesn’t it?


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In the biggest match in the history of RAW, hell in the history of EVER, WWE Diva’s champion Kaitlyn and hometown heroine Natalya took on those evil JezeBellas. John Cena and Daniel Bryan Danielson’s main squeezes picked up the win (Politics man, politics!) after a malfunction at the junction caused Kaitlyn to accidentally spear Natalya.

I can’t believe they had Natalya lose in her home town. This has to be the biggest screwjob ever in professional wrestling. I’m just waiting for Dave Meltzer to document the entire history of this screwjob so we can get all the facts behind it. Something is rotten in the state of Calgary.

What’s that? Montreal? What is Montreal? I have no idea what you’re talking about.


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I read recently that The Rock surprised his cousin Tamina Snuka with an SUV. Isn’t that nice? Don’t bother using your stroke to get her a push or anything like that Rock, get her a fecking Rav 4.

Dumbass.


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This week’s (Jefferson) Impact kicked off with the star of the show Hulk Hogan shuffling to the ring. After shilling his beach shop about 85 times (and spoiling the return of Shark Boy), Hogan asked his bestest pal in the whole wide world Sting to come to the ring. ‘The Icon’ sauntered out and Hogan begged him to reconsider the whole ‘Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever getting a World title shot in TNA ever again if you lose’ stipulation for his match with Bully Ray at Slammiversary. Sting responded by channelling the spirit of Mike Adamle and Batista by flubbing his lines before channelling the spirit of Jumpin’ John Cena by resorting to shouting. ‘Icon’ my ass. More like ‘Icon’t remember my lines!’ Laugh damn you, that was funny!

Realising that the segment was bombing worse than a blind Dambuster, TNA sent out Brooke Hogan to rescue the situation. As you do. She tearfully tendered her resignation as the High Overlord and Supreme Commander of the Knockouts Division seeing as she fell for Bully Ray’s charms and drove a wedge between Hulk and Sting. This brought out Mr. Brooke Hogan who said that they were all blaming themselves when they should be blaming Bully Ray. The TNA World Heavyweight Champion then claimed that he still loved the Hulksterette before walking off. This left Brooke dazed and confused and emotional.

So dazed, confused and emotional was Mrs. Hogan-Ray that she caught up with her estranged husband backstage and asked him what he meant by saying he still loved her. Then she asked him again. And again. And again. And again. And then about 62 more times as Bully tried getting a word in edgeways. Bully reiterated that he still loved Brooke and walked off. This seemed to placate Brooke and she calmed down. Actually it didn’t. She became even more dazed, even more confused and even more emotional.

Where this leads is anybody’s guess. Does it lead to a Bully Ray face turn? Does it lead to a Brooke Hogan heel turn? Does it lead to a man dressed in a turkey costume breaking out of a huge egg at a pay per view?

I’m going to take a stab at it and say it’s the last one. It’s the only one that REMOTELY makes sense.


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AJ Styles was due to be patched in as a member of Aces & Eights this week on (Jefferson) Impact. He was invited to the ring by Bully Ray and told to join the President in a toast. Bully said that even though everyone knows that AJ doesn’t drink (yeah right, he got completely schmammered that night he ended up in Claire Lynch’s bed) he should drink to seal his membership into the club, culminating with the words “Your heart can belong to Jesus, but your soul belongs to the club”. AJ necked the frothy bevvy before allowing Mr. Anderson to put his ‘cut’ on him. Somebody in the Aces & Eights tailoring department obviously got AJ’s measurements wrong because he looked ricockulous in that vest.

To deflect attention away from AJ Styles and his fashion faux pas, Kurt Angle crashed the wedding (and he’s glad he did, Busted represent yo!) and claimed that Styles’ legacy was now in the crapper seeing as he joined Aces & Eights. Angle was jumped from behind by DOC and thrown into the ring. AJ Styles clocked Kurt in the knee with the most devastating international object in the history of our great sport: the rubber hammer. As the Aces celebrated, Styles attacked DOC with the hammer before high-tailing it out of the ring. As AJ backed up the ramp he put his hands together to reveal the ‘Phenomenal 1’ logo on his gloves. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Aces & Eights were having conniptions.

So I guess AJ isn’t a member of Aces & Eights after all. Then again, this is pro-wrestling, so he might well be. I’m hoping that from here AJ forms a new faction to counter Aces & Eights. WORYAH! had the One WORYAH! Nation to oppose the nWo (okay so it was only him and Brutus the Booty Zodiac Disciple Beefcake but that’s beside the point), so I reckon he should team with Ms. Lee from the WWE and Mr. MacLean from the Backstreet Boys to form..... wait for it...... AJ’s & Eights!

Tell me that ain’t money.


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‘The Cowboy’ James Storm was on the hunt for a tag team partner for the BIG tag team title match at In Your House: Beware of Dog. He said that he’d been part of two of the greatest tag teams in TNA history, so why not go for a third time? Because you’ll have to wrestle that sack ass fruit booty Chavo Guerrero, that’s why James. ‘The Cowboy’ was interrupted by both the Dirty Heels and Kazaniels. Thankfully, Austin Aries refrained from thrusting his crotch into anybody’s face this week. Although Chavo did leap into the ring and position himself in the corner when Aries made his entrance. Hmm....

Shark Boy then made his long awaited return to TNA and offered his services as James Storm’s partner. He’s still doing the Stone Cold gimmick although he doesn’t sound as much like Steve Austin as he used to. Robbie E then entered the fray to pitch HIS case to Storm. He had a bunch of names that they could use for their tag team, mostly containing the word ‘bro’. Personally, I think Robbie should have gone for ‘Bro-sing Time’. You know, cos James Storm’s got a move called ‘Closing Time’? Get it? I should be paid for this sh*t.

So who turned out to be Storm’s mystery partner? Chris Harris? No. Rolf Harris? No. Whispering Bob Harris? YES!...... I mean no. The man who will team up with ‘The Cowboy’ is none other than Gunner Harris..... wait a sec..... it’s just Gunner is it? Oh okay. Gunner. Yeah THAT Gunner, the one who looks like the offspring of John C. McGinley and Chad Kroeger.

Jesus wept.


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We were promised footage of Kurt Angle going to New York to save wrestling. I had visions of an action movie type dealio, which would have been all different kinds of win.

Just imagine Kurt Angle storming the ‘IOC Headquarters’ and taking out numerous henchmen with single leg takedowns, ankle picks, grapevines and hip tosses. Eventually Kurt reaches the roof where IOC President Jacques Rogge has tied up wrestling and is threatening to hurl it to its doom from the rooftop. The maniacal Rogge claims he’ll let wrestling go if Kurt backs Wushu for entry into the 2020 Olympic Games. With a defiant “NEVER!” Kurt attacks Rogge and after an intense battle Angle blasts the IOC President with a fireman’s carry off the roof, with Jacques falling 835 storeys to his death. Kurt then frees wrestling and they have a major make out session. New IOC President Sergei Bubka arrives on the scene to reinstate wrestling into the 2020 Olympic Games and everyone lives happily ever after...... or so we think until we see Wushu in a darkened room plotting Kurt Angle and wrestling’s downfall – you know, to set up the sequel.

Pity then that all we got was Kurt attending some amateur wrestling event in a ruddy train station. If that’s as good as it gets then F**K YOU WRESTLING, I HOPE YOU NEVER GET BACK INTO THE OLYMPICS!


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TNA’s greatest ever masked wrestler Curryman made his welcome return to the company this past week on (Jefferson) Impact. Eh? Curryman isn’t back? It’s Suicide? I completely agree, it IS Suicide that TNA haven’t brought back Curryman. If ever there was a way to kill your company – other than employing Hulk Hogan – then not bringing back Curryman is it. I mean he’s hot! He’s spicy! He tastes great! He’s got all the ingredients (Yeah I went there) to make TNA a success and they’re not going to use him. Unbelievable!

Whaddaya mean there’s a wrestler called Suicide?!?


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We were supposed to be treated to a match between Sam Shaw and Ric Flair’s unwanted gift to TNA Alex Silva. Shaw bounced to the ring like Tigger on speed before being interrupted by Wes Brisco. Unfortunately for us, Wes had a mic. He went on to tell Shaw that he was welcome for the victory, because he’d taken out Silva and left him bloodied in the parking lot. We weren’t shown any of this, probably because TNA’s budget cuts meant they couldn’t afford fake blood for the angle.

Wes continued talking (shudder!) and said he should be in the Gut Check tournament because he is Mr. Gut Check. Hmm.... and here was me thinking he was Mr. I’m So Sh*tty on the Mic I Make Lita Look Like the Most Gifted Orator in the History of Wrestling. Thankfully, Wes stopped talking and set about beating up Sam Shaw. Magnus came running – well walking at first, before he realised he should probably get a wriggle on - out for the save.

This led to a match between Magnus and Brisco that ended in a DQ victory for the Brit before he got beaten up a bit. Samoa Joe tore himself away from his KFC family trough to rescue his former tag team partner. Never mind that though, I want to talk about Wes Brisco’s arms. He never seems to know what to do with them. Even when he’s just got them dropped by his sides he looks awkward.

I have thus concluded that Wes Brisco is the Ricky Bobby of professional wrestling.


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Mickie James defeated Velvet Sky to become the TNA Knockouts World Heavyweight Champion this week on (Jefferson) Impact. Prior to the match, James visited Sky in the locker room and asked the champ if she was able to wrestle and even offered to postpone the match until Velvet was fully recovered.

Sky responded with “Actually yeah that would be great, my knee’s completely buggered so I could do with the night off”..... of course she didn’t – she’s the fightingest champion in the history of professional wrestling! Velvet continued bandaging her knee (her ring outfit made it look as if she’d gone a bit Benoit with the bandage and wrapped it around her throat) and told Mickie “Lessgedditawn!” which was swiftly followed by some blatant lesbianism that DIDN’T involve Tara or Jeff Hardy. What gives?

The ladies made their way to the ring, with Velvet’s first aid skills there for all to see as there was no sign of the bandage underneath her knee pad. If only she’d been around back in WCW then no-one would know that Diamond Dallas Page had his ribs bandaged practically every week. As the match wore on Mickie started acting more and more like a heel until she eventually clipped Velvet’s injured knee before hitting a DDT for the Un.... Deux.... Three and the title. James was all smiles as she sauntered off with the belt, leaving Velvet to clutch the nonexistent bandage around her knee.

But what everybody knows..... wants to know is has Mickie James turned heel now? It would seem so after the manner of her title win but the only way to know for sure is if she comes out next week and sticks her crotch in Christy Hemme’s face.


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Daniel Bryan Danielson is going out with one of the twins as well, it's set up perfectly!
So looking forward to Kane driving one of those carts around now.

Brilliant as ever :-D

I really think you should make this a weekly Tumblr thing.

"Sting responded by channelling the spirit of Mike Adamle and Batista by flubbing his lines before channelling the spirit of Jumpin’ John Cena by resorting to shouting. ‘Icon’ my ass. More like ‘Icon’t remember my lines!’ Laugh damn you, that was funny!"

That made me spit out my coffee with laughter! It was funny!

Correction: The Rock got his cousin a Lexus SUV, not a Rav4.

kingraf wrote:Correction: The Rock got his cousin a Lexus SUV, not a Rav4.

Yeah but there's no comedic value in a Lexus SUV

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

in the biggest match in the history of RAW, hell in the history of EVER, WWE Diva’s champion Kaitlyn and hometown heroine Natalya took on those evil JezeBellas. John Cena and Daniel Bryan Danielson’s main squeezes picked up the win (Politics man, politics!) after a malfunction at the junction caused Kaitlyn to accidentally spear Natalya.

I think I have just realised who Kaitlyns secret admirer. Which other current wrestler uses the spear?

http://v2journal.com/17/post/2013/05/y2s-wrestling-random-thoughts.html

I have had to postpone my reading of Random Thoughts whilst at work, getting too many funny looks as a result of my stifled laughter!