The Culture Cup Round x - Adam is a naughty naughty boy

First topic message reminder :

I love you all, not in a massively gay way, apart from Tina obviously.

991

There is no hope for the CC if a Michaels toilet story can't inspire us.

I have poo cycles. Currently I'm in a phase of first thing in the morning which is rather irritating as some bloke is always getting dressed in the work bogs on the groundfloor. I hate small talk.

A good time is usually post lunch - 2pm to be precise - as the cleaner will have just finished the bogs on the groundfloor and you can pretty much guarantee a pube free bog seat.

My personal work related bog pet hate is getting stuck next to an older guy at the urinals. The groans they make when wrestling with their hamptons are quite off putting.

And the relentless shaking on completion of the p1ss.

And why do people take a paper to the bogs? Just sh1t and get out. Why would you want to wallow in it whilst you spend 15mins reading the daily news?

seanmichaels wrote:My personal work related bog pet hate is getting stuck next to an older guy at the urinals. The groans they make when wrestling with their hamptons are quite off putting.

Sorry.

seanmichaels wrote:And why do people take a paper to the bogs? Just sh1t and get out. Why would you want to wallow in it whilst you spend 15mins reading the daily news?

I've got 5 kids. It's one of the few peaceful times I get to myself.

seanmichaels wrote:I have poo cycles. Currently I'm in a phase of first thing in the morning which is rather irritating as some bloke is always getting dressed in the work bogs on the groundfloor. I hate small talk.

A good time is usually post lunch - 2pm to be precise - as the cleaner will have just finished the bogs on the groundfloor and you can pretty much guarantee a pube free bog seat.

Bone idle sh!t muncher, our cleaner is done by 10am...if I had to wait until mid afternoon for a clean loo I'd be "voicing" my displeasure by taking a dump in their fuel tank

Mind the windows Tino. wrote:

seanmichaels wrote:And why do people take a paper to the bogs? Just sh1t and get out. Why would you want to wallow in it whilst you spend 15mins reading the daily news?

I've got 5 kids.  It's one of the few peaceful times I get to myself.

I used to hide in the bogs as well. At school when the prefects fancied kicking the sh1t out of someone 5 years younger.

seanmichaels wrote:

Mind the windows Tino. wrote:

seanmichaels wrote:And why do people take a paper to the bogs? Just sh1t and get out. Why would you want to wallow in it whilst you spend 15mins reading the daily news?

I've got 5 kids.  It's one of the few peaceful times I get to myself.

I used to hide in the bogs as well. At school when the prefects fancied kicking the sh1t out of someone 5 years younger.

You don't help yourself.

Two essential points to note:

1. Best to go early to get rid of overnight toxin build up.
2. Never read too much on the can... bad for your sphincteroo.
3. ... something about pelvic position and closing the jaw. (old Chinese method)

A Chinese lass told me this years ago.
Forget how we got to that particular topic but apparently it will guarantee you a longer and more healthier ring-life.
Ring management was her specialty and I wasn't about to argue with her. She was fit looking.

The Loaded Dog wrote:
Forget how we got to that particular topic but apparently it will guarantee you a longer and more healthier ring-life.
Ring management was her specialty and I wasn't about to argue with her. She was fit looking.

I can't.

Was it a tarpaulin on the sofa job?

The Loaded Dog wrote:Two essential points to note:

1. Best to go early to get rid of overnight toxin build up.
2. Never read too much on the can... bad for your sphincteroo.
3. ... something about pelvic position and closing the jaw. (old Chinese method)

A Chinese lass told me this years ago.
Forget how we got to that particular topic but apparently it will guarantee you a longer and more healthier ring-life.
Ring management was her specialty and I wasn't about to argue with her. She was fit looking.

So not only don't I know sh1t, I don't even know how to sh1t.

seanmichaels wrote:

The Loaded Dog wrote:
Forget how we got to that particular topic but apparently it will guarantee you a longer and more healthier ring-life.
Ring management was her specialty and I wasn't about to argue with her. She was fit looking.

I can't.

Was it a tarpaulin on the sofa job?

Yeah, something like that.
She took it so seriously... like one of Mao's favourite gymnasts.

JuliusHMarx wrote:

The Loaded Dog wrote:Two essential points to note:

1. Best to go early to get rid of overnight toxin build up.
2. Never read too much on the can... bad for your sphincteroo.
3. ... something about pelvic position and closing the jaw. (old Chinese method)

A Chinese lass told me this years ago.
Forget how we got to that particular topic but apparently it will guarantee you a longer and more healthier ring-life.
Ring management was her specialty and I wasn't about to argue with her. She was fit looking.

So not only don't I know sh1t, I don't even know how to sh1t.

... and if you are really constipated; don't forget to lean back - not forward.
Otherwise the snake cannot escape the cave properly.

My current favourite tune of all time of the week...

Never heard of it. I don't know Jack Sh1t Smooth

The Loaded Dog wrote:

JuliusHMarx wrote:

The Loaded Dog wrote:Two essential points to note:

1. Best to go early to get rid of overnight toxin build up.
2. Never read too much on the can... bad for your sphincteroo.
3. ... something about pelvic position and closing the jaw. (old Chinese method)

A Chinese lass told me this years ago.
Forget how we got to that particular topic but apparently it will guarantee you a longer and more healthier ring-life.
Ring management was her specialty and I wasn't about to argue with her. She was fit looking.

So not only don't I know sh1t, I don't even know how to sh1t.

... and if you are really constipated; don't forget to lean back - not forward.
Otherwise the snake cannot escape the cave properly.

I heard it's the other way round. On the "Embarrassing Bodies" show, they'd set up a loo in the middle of the street and asked people how they took a dump. One guy demonstrated how he leaned forward because he was reading the morning papers and the "doctor" told him that was correct and even that raising yourself on your tiptoes whilst seated also helped open u the back passage. She even said that you could place a couple of large books under your feet to make passing solids even easier.

I tried it but instead of large books just rested my feet on top of the dead hooker I was dismembering. Have to say it works a treat

DAVE667 wrote:I tried it but instead of large books just rested my feet on top of the dead hooker I was dismembering.

You have something against rugby players?

JuliusHMarx wrote:

DAVE667 wrote:I tried it but instead of large books just rested my feet on top of the dead hooker I was dismembering.

You have something against rugby players?

Yeah, they play Rugby. Fail to see the attraction but each to their own, the screams of the mutilated all sound alike

DAVE667 wrote:the screams of the mutilated all sound alike

Yeah, they sound like the sh*te music you listen to.

Yeah.

Yay!

Huzzah!

My older brother is an Ibiza regular and a few years back on one of his trips he was walking back from Space when he was stricken with the urge. He ended up having to walk in to a Cafe and ask the staff if he could use their loo. Unfortunately as he began to pull down his trousers and bend down he lost control and managed to pebble dash the cistern and back wall of the cubicle. He left the premises without cleaning.

That wasn't his worst though. About 8-9 years ago he had to have his tonsils removed. Quite a big op for a 30 year old so they gave him some steroids whilst in pre op. As he was lying in bed with one of those paperlike disposable dressing gowns, he sneezed quite violently. The problem was the steroids had had a laxative effect and he ended up sh1tting himself so violently, it tore trhogh the back of the paper dressing gown thing off the bed and on to the floor. The nurses were crying with laughter apparently.

seanmichaels wrote:The problem was the steroids had had a laxative effect and he ended up sh1tting himself so violently, it tore trhogh the back of the paper dressing gown thing off the bed and on to the floor.

Is that the noise it made?

Union Cane wrote:

seanmichaels wrote:The problem was the steroids had had a laxative effect and he ended up sh1tting himself so violently, it tore trhogh the back of the paper dressing gown thing off the bed and on to the floor.

Is that the noise it made?

I expect so. He's always had sh1tting problems. I seem to remember him releasing a depth charge in the bath when we were young.

When my eldest was about 2 she was in the bath with the neighbour's kid, backs were turned for a few seconds and hey presto the little lad from next door is sitting there biting into a turd as though it is an apple. We never did ascertain whether it was his or hers.

Union Cane wrote:When my eldest was about 2 she was in the bath with the neighbour's kid, backs were turned for a few seconds and hey presto the little lad from next door is sitting there biting into a turd as though it is an apple. We never did ascertain whether it was his or hers.  

You bath your kids with the neighbour's kids?

You weirdo.

Saves on t'water, tha knorrs.

It really has been sh1t on here today....

Union Cane wrote:Saves on t'water, tha knorrs.

It's weird.

Mind the windows Tino. wrote:

Union Cane wrote:Saves on t'water, tha knorrs.

It's weird.

Probably is, it was a long time ago, it was in the north, things were different then.

And besides, I don't have any other poo related stories in my repertoire so it will have to do.

Union Cane wrote:

Mind the windows Tino. wrote:

Union Cane wrote:Saves on t'water, tha knorrs.

It's weird.

Probably is, it was a long time ago, it was in the north, things were different then.

Granted none of mine were born int'north but I was and can categorically say I never shared a bath with the neighbours kids.

I had the odd bath with 'uncle' Steve, but he told me that was normal.

As I recall the neighbour was quite a tidy piece, and if she leaned the right way over the bath I was afforded a splendid view of that bit between the boobs. However, I digress. The kid ate a lump of poo like it was an apple.

Union Cane wrote:As I recall the neighbour was quite a tidy piece, and if she leaned the right way over the bath I was afforded a splendid view of that bit between the boobs. However, I digress. The kid ate a lump of poo like it was an apple.

Are you from Last of the Summer Wine?

Did you have a communal tin bath?

Did you and Jeff share a bath?

I am not a Yorkie ffs.

I don't have any poo related stories.

Well that is a poo-r show.

Mind the windows Tino. wrote:

Union Cane wrote:As I recall the neighbour was quite a tidy piece, and if she leaned the right way over the bath I was afforded a splendid view of that bit between the boobs. However, I digress. The kid ate a lump of poo like it was an apple.

Are you from Last of the Summer Wine?

Did you have a communal tin bath?

Did you and Jeff share a bath?

SHARE?!?!?! In Yorkshire? On Ilkley Moor ba'at F*CKING 'at's sake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Union Cane wrote:Well that is a poo-r show.

I'm sick of this dump

DAVE667 wrote:

Union Cane wrote:Well that is a poo-r show.

I'm sick of this dump

It is just the same old faeces.

Union Cane wrote:

DAVE667 wrote:

Union Cane wrote:Well that is a poo-r show.

I'm sick of this dump

It is just the same old faeces.

A culture related article would be a turd up for the books

DAVE667 wrote:

Union Cane wrote:

DAVE667 wrote:

Union Cane wrote:Well that is a poo-r show.

I'm sick of this dump

It is just the same old faeces.

A culture related article would be a turd up for the books

Too much of a hassle we'd have to log it in

DAVE667 wrote:

Union Cane wrote:

DAVE667 wrote:

Union Cane wrote:Well that is a poo-r show.

I'm sick of this dump

It is just the same old faeces.

A culture related article would be a turd up for the books

You crazy skids crack me up.

DAVE667 wrote:

Union Cane wrote:

DAVE667 wrote:

Union Cane wrote:Well that is a poo-r show.

I'm sick of this dump

It is just the same old faeces.

A culture related article would be a turd up for the books

The thread certainly makes for a dire read.

Union Cane wrote:

DAVE667 wrote:

Union Cane wrote:

DAVE667 wrote:

Union Cane wrote:Well that is a poo-r show.

I'm sick of this dump

It is just the same old faeces.

A culture related article would be a turd up for the books

The thread certainly makes for a dire read.

Should probably call it squits, then

DAVE667 wrote:

Union Cane wrote:

DAVE667 wrote:

Union Cane wrote:

DAVE667 wrote:

Union Cane wrote:Well that is a poo-r show.

I'm sick of this dump

It is just the same old faeces.

A culture related article would be a turd up for the books

The thread certainly makes for a dire read.

Should probably call it squits, then

I think I might log off.

This is beneath Jeff.